gabimarie

United States

~ 16 ~
she/her/hers
occasional nerd
future songwriter
"Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself."

Message from Writer

*on a mental health break/hiatus*

i'm secretly not so secretly addicted to coffee and long night drives

also remember to stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and don't skip meals! :)

go check out my twin, Rohan's Defender. she's literally so talented and so much fun to talk to!!

"If you think you’re going to crash, step on the pedal harder." - Min Yoongi

i'm in the middle of writing a story "Like A Love Song"! if you want, you can check the first chapter out here:
https://writetheworld.com/groups/1/shared/228345/version/483289

Published Work

alien loneliness (footnotes)

"you only live once"
but now I'm living like I'm dead
"sleep when I'm dead"
but I sleep all the time now
afraid of the reality
with my eyes open

you're up in the stars
i hear your laugh in the night
looking up at you
I'll find you again

No matter how much I try to smile, I'm breaking inside
so lonely in this quiet night
I don't belong with anyone but me
like an alien on this earth
lonely in a crowd of people
someone come find me
hold out your hand
and hold me close


I'm carrying my worries
arms open, I'm exhausted of holding
onto the burdens I didn't have before
countless stars in the sky
but I have to live
"are you not happy?"
yeah, no one stayed by me
painful and bitter
because I can only see you in the stars

you're up in the stars
i hear your laugh in the night
looking...

black and white

I've been insecure lately
watching everyone else passing me up
I want to tell myself that I'm doing good
look me in the eyes through the mirror
But I'm not getting anywhere, feeling like I'm in slow mode
I want to go forward, but I don't know if I can keep up
my vision is black, my hands are shaking
so nervous, what could they want from me?
We used to walk together
down this road
but now you're so far ahead
it's impossible to catch up
now I'm just at the bottom of the pile
another dusty photo
It seems all out of reach
in the distance
beyond the spread of my arms
these foolish dreams

a concept

love is a concept
surrounding you and me
true love
    fake love
        puppy love
“i love you”
tossed around easily
it weighs nothing
right?
I don’t think so
love weighs heavily
        on
    my
mind
will I find it?
does it exist?
am I capable of loving you
when I can’t love myself?

the sea is really just a blue desert

I can see the waves from here
flowing back and forth
there's sand in the wind

I can't tell when I begin
and the sea ends
the sands go on forever
I feel the water at my feet
I don't know
if I'm the one who's real
or if the sea is a mirage
Is this real or fake?
Is what I'm feeling
hope or dispair?
Is this what I've been searching for?
or is the sea really a blue desert?

I can see the waves from here
flowing back and forth
there's sand in the wind

Thinking I was positive
with foolish hope
I looked onto the future
locked onto the mirage
maybe tomorrow will be different
couldn't get that mirage
maybe tomorrow will be different
this can't be my reality
yeah, yeah
and then it was
I found the mirage
and held onto it
today was different
but within the happiness
there is fear
that the mirage will...

the sea is really just a blue desert

I can see the waves from here
flowing back and forth
there's sand in the wind

I can't tell when I begin
and the sea ends
the sands go on forever
I feel the water at my feet
I don't know
if I'm the one who's real
or if the sea is a mirage
Is this real or fake?
Is what I'm feeling
hope or dispair?
Is this what I've been searching for?
or is the sea really a blue desert?

I can see the waves from here
flowing back and forth
there's sand in the wind

Thinking I was positive
with foolish hope
I looked onto the future
locked onto the mirage
maybe tomorrow will be different
couldn't get that mirage
maybe tomorrow will be different
this can't be my reality
yeah, yeah
and then it was
I found the mirage
and held onto it
today was different
but within the happiness
there is fear
that the mirage will...

Like A Love Song ~ chapter four

JIMIN'S POV
I watch the typing bubbles for a couple seconds before forcing myself to put my phone away. The hyungs were getting suspicious. After y/n left, I told the driver to go to namjoon-hyung's apartment, where all the guys were waiting.
Once a week, we take turns at our apartments to watch an American movie or show. This was to help improve our English, as well as letting us hang out without our professors and parents over our shoulders about different things.
This week, Namjoon-hyung chose the movie. It was this movie, Inception. Honestly, it kind of went over my head the first time I saw it, so I was hoping that this time it would make more sense. If y/n kept texting, though, I won't be able to focus AT ALL. As if summoned, my phone buzzes. I inwardly groan, knowing that if I keep spending so much time on my phone, they'll know something is up. But...

(un)realistic love

A lot of people think love is something that comes from movies.
They assume that if you have the perfect homecoming, you’ll find your soulmate.
They assume that if you have the most recent iPhone and the brightest highlights and the cutest clothes, you’ll be more loved than ever.
Those people think of love as something that can be made.
Something that they can control.
I used to be one of those people.
I thought that I could make someone love me, and I thought that, if I looked hard enough, I could love someone too.
See, the truth is, it doesn’t work like that.
Love isn’t something you can force.
It’s not something you search for.
You can’t control love.
You can’t find love.
It finds you.
It doesn’t find you at your good moments.
No, it finds you at your worst, and then it brings you the best moments.
I gave up hope after a while.
I decided that...

until next time

listening to your voice
before I go to sleep is 
what brings me through the day
you don’t fully smile a lot
insecure about the shape
but your boxy smile is my lifeline
you tell me to sleep
it’s good to take care of yourself
but I’d rather spend time with you

I like to think we met
in an art gallery in another life
we had a debate
picasso or warhol?
you were so obviously picasso
but I was warhol
we talked for hours
and then went for a walk
blossoms lining the sidewalk
hand in hand
I pulled you into a coffeeshop
and you made me try a white chocolate mocha
and I made you try a chai latte

I like to think we met again
after that
a fortunate coincidence
in the same coffeehouse years later
I had a white chocolate mocha
you had a chai latte
we did it right this time
we exchanged numbers
you...

Like A Love Song ~ chapter three

You walk into the hotel, where you see Emily and Jaxson sitting next to each other on a couch in the lobby. You look at them, sitting a bit too close to be "just friends". You eye them before walking over to them. Emily glances up and jumps to her feet, smiling smugly already, before you could even say anything.
"Sooooooo," she said, drawing out the syllables of the English word.  "How'd it go with Mr. Mysterious Hot Guy?" I give her a look as I let go of my suitcase and drop my duffel bag to the ground. 
"Mr. Mysterious Hot Guy? You really left me in a car with someone, and you didn't even know his name?" You act horrified, pressing one hand to your heart. "I could've died." Jaxson rolls his eyes at your theatrics.
"I'm guessing it didn't go too bad then," he says as he stands up. You shrug, not making eye contact. It...

Like A Love Song ~ chapter two

"Um, excuse me, but can I use this car?" His voice was unusual. It was husky, but not deep in the way some voices are. (cough cough KIM TAEHYUNG). Emily furrowed her brows and looked at him. His face was mostly obscured, with a black hat and a white face mask. He was wearing a white shirt with an oversized sherpa jacket, black jeans, and black and white sneakers. "Please, miss? I really need a ride." You open your mouth, but Emily shoots you an evil glance and responds before you can.
"Of course! My friend is in there, but she won't mind. I'll just take another uber." Her korean was broken and she had a little accent, but she was so focused on getting him in the car with you that she wasn't even self-conscious. The man gets in and waves at you awkwardly. You smile at him, albeit a little weirdly, and give Emily a look that...

Like A Love Song ~ chapter one

Let's set the scene. You're nineteen. You're a sophomore in college, studying Mass Communications at Arizona State University in the States. You've lived in Colorado all of your life, and moved out when you got accepted. You were just given the opportunity to study abroad for your spring semester, which you were so very excited about. Ok, now that that's settled, let's get into the action.
Sitting in the lobby of the office, you twist one of your rings around your index finger nervously. After weeks of waiting, you were finally going to be told where you were going to be studying.  Since the entire program was paid for by the college, you weren't able to choose where you wanted to go, but there were only three places open for this semester. Spain, Australia, and South Korea. With these drastically different options, you had no idea which one you wanted more. Just as long as I get to go...

not ready to grow up yet

I'm not quite ready
to let go yet
to let go of the days
when I hide in my closet
giggling when I hear them
call my name for hide and seek
curling up in a ball during a storm
trying not to cry too loudly

my brother came in my room the other day
he was scared by an unexplained noise in his room
our parents were out and my sister was at a friend's house
he jumped on me and we watched bts dance practices
his eyes fluttered shut, lulled to dreamland by the quiet music
as he scooted up to me, I realized
he came to me for comfort
but who would I go to for mine?

I'm not quite ready 
to let go yet
I still get teased because of my height
my friends call me shorty and kiddo
but there will be a day
when I don't look like a kid
I'll be an adult ...

reflection

hand in hand
we went for a drive
you looked over your shoulder
said you wanted your son
to have my eyes
you had no idea how hard I fought
to not fall for your lies

tell me what I want to hear
but never what you mean
I can't take us seriously
it's unreal
like looking in a mirror

if we were so wrong
why did it feel so right
your hand in mine
me in the driver's seat
not knowing through it all
I was believing 
we were real

tell me what I want to hear
but never what you mean
I can't take us seriously
it's unreal
like looking in a mirror

but in the end
we weren't real
just another reflection
of who I am inside
like looking in a mirror
at me

i wish i could say this is just a state of mind

sometimes it's hard to exist
parents want perfection
friends want a shoulder to cry on
brother wants you to play games with him
sister wants you to leave her alone

you'd never know she was hurting
pushing her feelings aside
and faking it
so they can make it
their reality
the world has a different plan for her
but she can't see it
too focused on what she can see
her perfect parents
her needy "friends"
her lonely brother
her angsty sister
she's not hurting
not visibly
but mentally?
she's being torn apart.

wishing you the best

I wish you the best
but don't read my last couple texts
I know its obvious
that I'm not over you
but I'm hoping the 3am thoughts
won't be as bad now
that you've moved on
I've been meaning to tell you
the time we had was precious
but if you're happy
I'm happy too

I guess what adele said
was the truth
sometimes it lasts 
and sometimes it hurts
but it's never really over
is it?

writing under the lamp light at night

I cry for the people I will lose, not the ones I have already lost. Looking in the future, I see everyone I will leave, everyone who will leave me. The ones who already left are gone. I can’t think about them any longer, but the ones who will matter later will also leave.

Circle of life? Perhaps it's the way the world turns. I leave you, you leave her, she leaves him, repeat. Like a motivational poster, only not as positive. 

Wishing you'll never be hurt
but also that you'll never forget me
and the way we hurt each other
in our distant love

writing under the lamp light at night

I cry for the people I will lose, not the ones I have already lost. Looking in the future, I see everyone I will leave, everyone who will leave me. The ones who already left are gone. I can’t think about them any longer, but the ones who will matter later will also leave.

Circle of life? Perhaps it's the way the world turns. I leave you, you leave her, she leaves him, repeat. Like a motivational poster, only not as positive. 

Wishing you'll never be hurt
but also that you'll never forget me
and the way we hirt each pther
in our distant love

i have to

Te amo? no, no. Te odio.
I love you? no, no, I hate you.
I have to.

feeling like a memory

I know we haven't met
but I know your vibe
it's like we were together
in another life
deja vu?
when I meet you
when I run my fingers through your hair
for the first time
do you recognize my energy?
people can't see my eyes
when I smile
I can't see yours
when you grin
it's probably an unfair cliche
when I say
you complete me
but when you look at me
and say "I think
you were in a dream i had"
you recognize my energy
they will say
oh, they're at it again
but they don't know
it's just our first time

the glasses with fake lenses

the day we met
i was wearing distressed mom jeans
and a white sweatshirt that i cropped myself
the back said "love yourself" with a flower
i had my old nike airs
and my hair was in its natural curls
you looked me up and down
decided something was missing
you took your glasses
handed them to me
"they're fake"
    you stage whispered
I laughed and put them on
you nodded and tapped my nose
"perfect"

thoughts

It doesn’t matter if this is a dream or reality. All I need is your hand in mine.

together, we will smile

Crying is an ugly business
red face and tear stains
wet eyelashes and puffy cheeks
especially when you're sobbing
letting go of everything
you've held onto
what you've worked towards
for years
but when the knock sounds
you walk through the door
the stains are gone
the eyelashes are dry
a different world
when you're around
I don't have to let go
because you're here
to catch me if I fall
to support me if I can't walk
to wipe my tears if I cry
I don't have to let go
because in this place
you tell me
it's ok to fight for who you are
it's ok to put yourself first
it's ok to not know you
                            or your dream yet
I don't cry alone in this world
because you hold my hand
catching me when I fall
supporting me when I can't walk
wiping my tears when I cry
whispering
"we'll never walk alone
I feel...

the boost you need to hear today :)

I don't know you personally and it's unlikely I ever will.
But I want to offer these words to you, because I know what it's like
To feel alone and unworthy.
Or even just having a bad day.
I just want you to know that you're so strong.
The fact that you can sit there and read this and continue on with your life like normal.
Even when everything is upside down.
That is so brave. You are so brave.
So go. DO that thing. You completely deserve.
Go take that nap. You need to sleep to function.
Go eat that pastry. If something is delicious, then it is zero calories.
Go finish that book. The ending is 1000% worth it, trust me.
Go binge that tv show. Your paper can wait while you watch the season finale.
Go take some time for yourself. You deserve all of it.
Take care of yourself my loves. 
I have a big heart...

is darkness a living thing?

it's so dark right now
feels as if I'm stuck
u n d e r w a t e r
with no air
no light
I feel so alone
the darkness goes on 
forever
but in the back
                        of my mind
I hear a voice saying
    wait with me
    the morning will come again
    because this feeling
    this darkness
    is not eternal
    not when you have me

Until Next Time

listening to your voice
before I go to sleep is 
what helps me through the day
you don't smile a lot
insecure about the shape
but your boxy smile is my lifeline
you tell me to sleep
it's good to take care of yourself
but I'd rather spend time with you

I like to think we met
in an art gallery in another life
we had a debate
picasso or warhol?
you were so obviously picasso
but I was warhol
we talked for hours
and then went for a walk
blossoms lining the sidewalk
hand in hand
I pulled you into a coffeeshop
and you made me try a white chocolate mocha
and I made you try a chai latte

I like to think we met again
after that
in the same coffeehouse years later
I had a white chocolate mocha
you had a chai latte
we did it right this time
we exchanged numbers
you gave me your jacket ...

Until Next Time

listening to your voice
before I go to sleep is 
what brings me through the day
you don't fully smile a lot
insecure about the shape
but your boxy smile is my lifeline
you tell me to sleep
it's good to take care of yourself
but I'd rather spend time with you

I like to think we met
in an art gallery in another life
we had a debate
picasso or warhol?
you were so obviously picasso
but I was warhol
we talked for hours
and then went for a walk
blossoms lining the sidewalk
hand in hand
I pulled you into a coffeeshop
and you made me try a white chocolate mocha
and I made you try a chai latte

I like to think we met again
after that
in the same coffeehouse years later
I had a white chocolate mocha
you had a chai latte
we did it right this time
we exchanged numbers
you gave me your...

Until Next Time

listening to your voice
before I go to sleep is 
what brings me through the day
you don't fully smile a lot
insecure about the shape
but your boxy smile is my lifeline
you tell me to sleep
it's good to take care of yourself
but I'd rather spend time with you

I like to think we met
in an art gallery in another life
we had a debate
picasso or warhol?
you were so obviously picasso
but I was warhol
we talked for hours
and then went for a walk
blossoms lining the sidewalk
hand in hand
I pulled you into a coffeeshop
and you made me try a white chocolate mocha
and I made you try a chai latte

I like to think we met again
after that
in the same coffeehouse years later
I had a white chocolate mocha
you had a chai latte
we did it right this time
we exchanged numbers
you gave me your...

the love i have for you is real

I don't think 
you realize
how much love I have for you
when I tell you
"I love you"
you shrug it off 
and laugh
"love you too, shortie"
but the love I have is real

(film out) find me somewhere across the world

in my imagination
you are so vivid
as if I could touch you
reach out my hand
all I wanted
was for you
to stay the way you are
I just need to find you
and be with you
for as long at it lasts
doesn't have to be right
as long as your hands in mine
but as I reach out my hand
you suddenly disappear
but before you leave
I can see in your eyes
the love you have
your eyes tell

green, but not the puke shade. more like the forest green.

Yesterday I asked you
what color I was
You told me
I was yellow
I told you
you were green
    but not that puke green
    the forest green that pine trees are
when I googled
what yellow meant
I made a face
it symbolizes hope, happiness, fun
 the color of new ideas
laughing
I asked you
why you chose yellow
your answer?
you smile a lot. it's contagious.
so now I'm contagious?
no. your happiness is.
your color is green
because you center me
you bring balance and logical reasoning
to my life
the one I can count on
mine is yellow
because I make you happy
who knew
yellow and green
went so well together?

we grow up but never older

we run now
laughing with no cares
I'm happy with who we've become
who I am
even if I can't own this feeling forever
even if my youth does not last
I'll keep running with you
forever running forward
towards our dreams
towards our hopes
even if we aren't young in twenty years
we'll be young here
in the maze of our minds
forward
into the next phase

we grow up but never older

We run now
laughing with no cares
I'm happy with who we've become
who I am
even if I can't own this feeling forever
even if my youth does not last
I'll keep running with you
forever running forward
towards our dreams
towards our hopes
even if we aren't young in twenty years
we'll be young here
in the maze of our minds
forward
into the next phase

let me explain to you why bts is so important to society so you don't sound ignorant

Who is BTS?
    Time explains BTS as " the biggest boy band in the world, topping charts and setting records." What kind of records? Well, fr starters, they've broken records set by Michael Jackson, the Beatles, and One Direction all in the span of a few years. On paper, there is no one who matches them. But don't just take my word for it. Look at the facts: BTS has won 252 awards since their debut in 2013. With this knowledge, let's look at American superstars, One Direction, Ariana Grande, and The Weeknd. These are all people who are considered to be "idols" in America; they are household names. Ariana has a total of 158 awards, The Weeknd has 9 awards, and One Direction has 242 awards in total. Only One Direction has come close to the number BTS has. Their total net worth is over $60 million. Still not convinced? Let's move onto the boys themselves.
    BTS is...

let me explain to you why bts is so important to society so you don't sound ignorant

Who is BTS?
    Time explains BTS as " the biggest boy band in the world, topping charts and setting records." What kind of records? Well, fr starters, they've broken records set by Michael Jackson, the Beatles, and One Direction all in the span of a few years. On paper, there is no one who matches them. But don't just take my word for it. Look at the facts: BTS has won 252 awards since their debut in 2013. With this knowledge, let's look at American superstars, One Direction, Ariana Grande, and The Weeknd. These are all people who are considered to be "idols" in America; they are household names. Ariana has a total of 158 awards, The Weeknd has 9 awards, and One Direction has 242 awards in total. Only One Direction has come close to the number BTS has. Their total net worth is over $60 million. Still not convinced? Let's move onto the boys themselves.
    BTS is...

all that you are is all that i'll ever need

I don't know what love is
but I know what it's like to be loved
it's a tight hug from the girl you babysat since she was three
it's sour cream and onion chips from your friend when it's that time
it's a gift card to your favorite music shop
it's aspen wood chopsticks from your grandmother
it's the entire album set of Love Yourself: Tear for Christmas
it's dark chocolate from your best friend on valentine's day
it's true crime discussions with your mom
it's playing the guitar alongside your brother's xylophone
it's harmonizing baby shark with your baby cousin
it's the dog sitting in your lap while you read a book
it's your dad bringing you a chai tea latte when you're sick
it's your nannie giving you dozens of brownie recipes to try
I don't know what love is
but for these people,
I'll try to find out.

all that you are is all that i'll ever need

I don't know what love is
but I know what it's like to be loved
it's a tight hug from the girl you babysat since she was three
it's sour cream and onion chips from your friend when it's that time
it's a gift card to your favorite music shop
it's aspen wood chopsticks from your grandmother
it's the entire album set of Love Yourself: Tear for Christmas
it's dark chocolate from your best friend on valentine's day
it's true crime discussions with your mom
it's playing the guitar alongside your brother's xylophone
it's harmonizing with your baby cousin
it's the dog sitting in your lap while you read a book
it's your dad bringing you a chai tea latte when you're sick
it's your nannie giving you dozens of brownie recipes to try
I don't know what love is
but for these people,
I'll try to find out.

you were the highlight of my night, but I wasn't yours

I've denied it for years
but I'm watching you from across the room
the way you throw your head back
    when you laugh
the way your eyes squinch together
    when you're embarrassed
the way your legs spread open
    one ankle on the other knee
you look over to my corner
of the room and I breathe in
swallow
meet your gaze
a smile plays on your lips
you raise an eyebrow
and look away when someone laughs
I sigh
disappointed but relieved
we're just friends
but friends don't look at friends this way
the way I look at you

i tried a backwards (gen z normative) sleep schedule so you don't have to

Alrighty, so the following are reasons as to why everyone should have a sleep schedule in which you don't actively try to sleep until 2 am, and then wake up two minutes before your zoom class.

- relaxation time. If you're anything like me, your schedule looks like a million things to do a day. (that's why I'm on this app at weird times) Usually, you can finish everything you need to do by midnight, so you now have at least two hours of pleasant, mindless scrolling on Tiktok, or your favorite app, or Netflix. By this time, most, if not all, of your family members will be sleeping, so there will be no knocking on your door to be told to "take the trash out", etc. 

- weird hyper energy. Okay, honestly this one has never made sense to me, but if you stay up really late, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's that energy that whispers...

i can't escape from you and your touch

We were written in the stars. This feeling was sealed in our DNA. I tell myself, that's why I run back to you. It has nothing to do with your brown eyes, or the way you hold me while you fall asleep. This is inescapable. That's why I come back. Love is love. What power do I have?

give me peace, then you steal it

they always tell me
"go and make friends"
I nod
but then sit at home
earbuds in
draped in a hoodie
too big for me
trauma by nf
replaying over and over
"trade my joy for my protection"
he says
hitting the nail on the head
make friends?
when I'm too scared they'll leave?
go ahead and spit
in my face
while you can
before I become too attached
becasue they all leave
even the ones who promise
they won't

i'm still following the reincarnation of my childhood dreams

dear cousin,
I remember the way we laughed
playing "What Makes You Beautiful"
over and over and over
you were Zayn
I was Louis
and we sang it at the tops of our lungs
fairies and princesses and performers

dear granny,
I remember the way your face lit up
when you handed me my first piano
24 keys total
a piano book
a guitar from your childhood
we spent the day together
playing jingle bells on the keyboard
and brown-eyed girl on the guitar

dear nannie,
I remember the way you looked at me
right after my first solo in the school play
you hugged the tightest
and, with tears in your eyes,
told me I was the best up there
my voice had cracked and I almost cried on stage
but you told me I was the best

dear mom,
I remember the way you read Harry Potter
to me and my sister
sitting between our beds
I was...

i'm still following the reincarnation of my childhood dreams

dear cousin,
I remember the way we laughed
playing "What Makes You Beautiful"
over and over and over
you were Zayn
I was Louis
and we sang it at the tops of our lungs
fairies and princesses and performers

dear granny,
I remember the way your face lit up
when you handed me my first piano
24 keys in all
a piano book
a guitar from your childhood
we spent the day together
playing jingle bells on the keyboard
and brown-eyed girl on the guitar

dear nannie,
I remember the way you looked at me
right after my first solo in the school play
you hugged the tightest
and, with tears in your eyes,
told me I was the best up there
my voice had cracked and I almost cried on stage
but you told me I was the best

dear mom,
I remember the way you read Harry Potter
to me and my sister
sitting between our beds
I...

i'm still following the reincarnation of my childhood dreams

dear cousin,
I remember the way we laughed
playing "What Makes You Beautiful"
over and over and over
you were Zayn
I was Louis
and we sang it at the tops of our lungs
fairies and princesses and performers

dear granny,
I remember the way your face lit up
when you handed me my first piano
24 keys in all
a piano book
and a guitar from your childhood
we spent the day together
playing jingle bells on the keyboard
and brown-eyed girl on the guitar

dear nannie,
I remember the way you looked at me
right after my first solo in the school play
you hugged the tightest
and, with tears in your eyes,
told me I was the best up there
my voice had cracked and I almost cried on stage
but you told me I was the best

dear mom,
I remember the way you read Harry Potter
to me and my sister
sitting between our beds ...

world of us

I carry you forever
I want you to know
that always
I miss you
more than you'll ever know
hold me here
softly in this world of us
and scatter our memories
in the wind like dust
if I can't lay next to you
hold me here
in this world of us

hold me closer

It's all loud inside my mind
voices in my ear
shivering down to my spine
staring in the mirror
you're looking back at me
you're only safe
when I'm gone
killing you softly 
though my madness

tear me down with your words so you can fix me with your body

you sit there
and listen to them
    "what a loser"
    "her freckles are ridiculous"
    "she'll be lucky if anyone pays attention to her"
I sigh silently
turn my head to the front
    "breathe"
    "don't let them get to you"
    "only a few more minutes and you can go"
I run out the door
the minute the bell rings
    "get me out of this hell"
a touch on my shoulder
pulling me towards you
    "you look beautiful today"
    "don't let them tell you otherwise"
    "I'm sorry you had to hear that"
a look into your eyes
a smile softening on your lips
    "are you okay?"
    "I have an idea"
    "are you down for it?"
you grab my hand
running down the hallway
    "I'm always down"
    "Then keep up!"
bursting through the...

tear me down with your words so you can fix me with your body

you sit there
and listen to them
    "what a loser"
    "her freckles are ridiculous"
    "she'll be lucky if anyone pays attention to her"
I sigh silently
turn my head to the front
    "breathe"
    "don't let them get to you"
    "only a few more minutes and you can go"
I run out the door
the minute the bell rings
    "get me out of this hell"
a touch on my shoulder
pulling me towards you
    "you look beautiful today"
    "don't let them tell you otherwise"
    "I'm sorry you had to hear that"
a look into your eyes
a smile softening on your lips
    "are you okay?"
    "I have an idea"
    "are you down for it?"
you grab my hand
running down the hallway
    "I'm always down"
    "Then keep up!"
bursting through the...

a split second

there's a green light in front of me
a line of cars in back
no one's honking at me yet
there's a split second before
the stop and the go
brake and acceleration
keep your hands on the wheel at all times
a split second before 
the white noise
the delayed sound
the ringing in my ears
the uncontrollable spinning on
    the slick road
a split second before
this is all over
green to yellow to red
before it's over
b l i n k
there's honking behind me
they've noticed
the pause in reality
I press down on the gas pedal
a split second before
my world changes

world of us

I carry you always
I want you to know
that always
I miss you
more than you'll ever know
hold me here
softly in this world of us
and scatter our memories
in the wind like dust
if I can't lay next to you
hold me here
in this world of us

why won't you accept me the way i am

bisexual (noun)
bi-sex-u-al
attraction to two genders
what is so hard to grasp?
I like men
        women
what's the big deal?
maybe I'm young
maybe I'm naive
maybe I'm experienced
but love
          is
            love
no matter the gender
and I am
out & proud
so go
screw yourself
and your irrelevant beliefs
because I won't change for 
you

a split second

there's a green light in front of me
a line of cars in back
no one's honking at me yet
there's a split second before
the stop and the go
brake and acceleration
keep your hands on the wheel at all times
a split second before 
the white noise
the delayed sound
the ringing in my ears
the uncontrollable spinning on
    the slick road
a split second before
this is all over
green to yellow to red
before it's over
b l i n k
there's honking behind me
they've noticed
I press down on the gas pedal
a split second before
my world changes

a mirage of my own making

I feel like I'm running towards something that's not there
It's so far away
My dream is just a dream
Everyone else is already there
Why am I the only one still running?
Nothing is more miserable than running and never reaching
I'm scared to open my eyes in the morning
I won't reach the finish line today
Will I ever?
I'm becoming more impatient every day
They throw me away
Could they be right?
I've just been running towards something that's not there
A mirage of my own making
Am I on my own?
I've fought so hard to be here
My struggles, my scars
They're proof of my existence
My friends, my family, they move away from me
Can I keep running towards something that's not there?
I've been told I can win if I try
I've been trying my whole life
I haven't won yet
How do I have the strength
to find something that's not there?

a mirage of my own making

I feel like I'm running towards something that's not there
It's so far away
My dream is just a dream
Everyone else is already there
Why am I the only one still running?
Nothing is more miserable than running and never reaching
I'm scared to open my eyes in the morning
I won't reach the finish line today
I'm becoming more impatient every day
They throw me away
Could they be right?
I've just been running towards something that's not there
A mirage of my own making
Am I on my own?
I've fought so hard to be here
My struggles, my scars
They're proof of my existence
My friends, my family, they move away from me
Can I keep running towards something that's not there?
I've been told I can win if I try
I've been trying my whole life
I haven't won yet
How do I have the strength
to find something that's not there?

blood sweat tears - the story of the girl in the mirror

There's a girl staring at me in the mirror. She's got this look on her face, bags under her eyes, downward tilt to her mouth. Her hair is in need of a shower, her face needs to be washed, and her eyebrows need to be plucked. She cut her nails last night, and her cuticles are in poor shape. She can't remember the last time she slept for more than four hours at a time. She can't remember the last time she went a day without caffeine. Behind her, a guitar is reflected in the mirror. It leans against the door, placed there when she couldn't bear to hear another riff of chords. To her right is her laptop, completely drained of battery. She forgot to get her charger from her car last night, so when it died, she pulled out her phone and continued on Voicenotes. To her left is her speakers. She felt so alone last night, so...

a belated confession

there is a mirage
I'm running towards
so far away
but it's under my feet
I can feel it beneath my hands (it's here)
this is who I am
this is my essence
but in your eyes
something about me changed
I'm still the same
you just never saw me
for who I was
I promised I would
show them what
I was worth
but I hide behind the curtain
scared to prove them right
my blood sweat tears
you saw me soaked in them
the practice wearing me down
but I'll go farther than you thought
be myself
never lose my essence
go higher and higher and higher
until I can no longer
feel my lungs burning
I was born for this
and the mirage
I'm running towards
isn't just that
it's my dream

these are the days i will remember

    We'll look back on these days. The vine-draped walls of our room, the speaker in the corner of the room, the wall that is covered in pictures from football games, the complaining about our physics class.
    "Do you remember when we used to pray that our teacher would forget we had homework?" "What about that time we sneaked our phones into class and took turns playing on the Apple TV?" "Or that day when we played hide and seek under the bleachers after exams?"
    Tell me, will you remember this? Will you remember the girl who sat next to you in English and proofread your paper so you could get a better grade? Will you remember the guy who came to Spanish right before the bell rang every day, yelling, "I'm not late!"? Will you remember how we petitioned the school until they gave us coffee on exam days?
    I don't know if you will, but I will. I will...

these are the days i will remember

    We'll look back on these days. The vine-draped walls of our room, the speaker in the corner of the room, the wall that is covered in pictures from football games, the complaining about our physics class.
    "Do you remember when we used to pray that our teacher would forget we had homework?" "What about that time we sneaked our phones into class and took turns playing on the Apple TV?" "Or that day when we played hide and seek under the bleachers after exams?"
    Tell me, will you remember this? Will you remember the girl who sat next to you in English and proofread your paper so you could get a better grade? Will you remember the guy who came to Spanish right before the bell rang every day, yelling, "I'm not late!" ? Will you remember how we petitioned the school until they gave us coffee on exam days?
    I don't know if you will, but I will. I...

darkroom

paranoia's coming through the cracks
in the darkroom
of my mind
leave me to my thoughts
leaving me lost
in my own grave
this feeling's gonna 
kill me softly
slipping through the cracks
of my mind
comes the paranoia

chorus
black fills my head
I can't see but
I know there's people
staring at me
but in the darkroom
of my mind
I get lost

capture my thoughts in a snapshot
drown them in chemicals
to bring them to light
I know
we would change
but I thought
the light 
wouldn't bring shadows

chorus
black fills my head
I can't see but
I know there's people
staring at me
but in the darkroom
of my mind
I get lost

bridge
lost
in my mind
in my head
in the darkness
lost
in the shadows
in the chemicals
in the room

chorus
black fills my head
I can't see but
I know there's people
staring at me
but in the darkroom ...

tell me why, if you know so much

"They mean the best"
"Their intentions are pure"
"They just don't understand you"
"It's past their generation"
"Just let it go"
"Why can't you see it from their point of view"

I'm sorry, but I'm not the problem. I'm not the closed-minded one. I'm not the one who refuses to accept your daughter's sexuality. I'm not the one who quotes the Bible at people. I'm not the one who posts ridiculous lies on Facebook. I'm not the one who uses gay as an insult. I'm not the one who kicked a girl out of school because of her abortion. If you know so much about their intentions, tell me why they can't change. No, tell me why they WON'T change. Becasue I would love to know.

my life is not your race

run harder and faster
but I've been sprinting my whole life
with no purpose
why run
when there is no finish line
why push
when there is no goal
why fight
when there is no belt
you tell me
run harder and faster
but I need to find
my purpose
before I fulfill yours

the bonsai tree I call home

    When you enter my room, you immediately realize that it's got a certain type of aesthetic. The walls are white, with fairy lights on every wall. There is no overhead light; instead, there are four lamps at each corner of the room. One wall is covered in pictures, another is plastered with bts posters and inspirational quotes. A desk sits underneath one of my posters, while my keyboard and amp rest next to my picture wall. The carpet is a blue so light it's almost grey. My curtains are grey and silver, matching my bedsheets. Next to my window is a bookshelf that comes up to my hip, packed with books, ones from my childhood (Emily Windsnap), to my current favorites (Invisible Man, From Blood and Ash). A foot away is my vanity. It used to be my grandmother's, but it was given to me when she moved into the facility for her Alzheimer's. I spend the majority...

Friendship Tweet

friendship is not a guarantee. it's a blessing.

sharing a barbecue sauce for chicken nuggets
switching jackets to fit our outfits better
having three different conversations on three different social apps
making spotify playlists for each of our moods
you watching love alarm
me watching stranger things
me helping you practice volleyball
you giving me your paper to proofread
going to homecoming together
    "sisters before misters"
me helping you paint your room
you hanging my new bts poster
you cutting your hair because I cut mine
me buying you Whoppers for your cramps
you and me
me and you
us

my life is not your race

run harder and faster
but I've been sprinting my whole life
with no purpose
why run
when there is no finish line
why push
when there is no goal
you tell me
run harder and faster
but I need to find
my purpose
before I fulfill yours

2!3!

count one, two, three
it will be okay
count one, two, three
we'll make it out alive

late night confessions and early morning compassion pt. 2

hey
sorry i was sleeping
yk how it is
i hope you're okay
just wanted to let you know
i need time
to figure stuff out

hi
so thanks for the space
you rlly get me
it's just hard
to have a friend
turn into a more-than-friends
turn into a lover
turn into us
i think I'm sick of waiting
for love

hey
i know you're not the one
for me
but i think we could
try something new
you in my bed
me in your head
would you be down?
just let me know
if you feel the same

untitled

you never walk alone
i will hold your hand
beyond the night and loneliness

#scammys

    Personally, I've never understood the appeal of Ariana Grande, or Lady Gaga, for that matter. I was never into the pop genre, so I never quite got what drew my friends to them. I've been told that they encourage girls to embrace their femininity, but I didn't understand that. Last night, I was sitting on my grandmother's couch, earbuds in, anxiously watching the live stream of the Grammy's preshow. I've been an ARMY since 2014, when I was introduced to their song N.O. for the first time. I've been rooting for BTS for almost eight years. Seeing them nominated for a Grammy was probably the most excited I'd been for them, potentially ever. Was I angry when the Recording Academy moved their category, as well as other categories that were dominated by people of color? Yes, extremely so. However, I still held out the hope that the Recording Academy would do right by BTS. They didn't. In fact, they failed....

to be myself from the beginning so i don't embarrass myself at the end

my essence is
an author
a songwriter
a sailor
an activist
nothing changed
even though
my laugh did
my smile did
my height did
my voice did
just a bit late to confess
i was afraid
of letting down 
those who watched me
play the piano
get my first solo
cry when i came out
    after watching love, simon
what do you dream?
guitars and happiness
peace and harmonies
sold out stadiums and debt-free parents
i know why you make fun of me
 my first chorus
my wacked harmony
what you call "cool kid-itis"
but I'll remember all we've been through
just a little early to confess

to be myself from the beginning so i don't embarrass myself at the end

my essence
an author
a songwriter
a sailor
an activist
nothing changed
even though
my laugh did
my smile did
my height did
my voice did
just a bit late to confess
i was afraid
of letting down 
those who watched me
play the piano
get my first solo
cry when i came out
    after watching love, simon
what do you dream?
guitars and happiness
peace and harmonies
sold out stadiums and debt-free parents
i know why you make fun of me
 my first chorus
my wacked harmony
what you call "cool kid-itis"
but I'll remember all we've been through
just a little early to confess

to be myself from the beginning so i don't embarrass myself at the end

my essence
an author
a songwriter
a sailor
an activist
nothing changed
even though
my laugh did
my smile did
my height did
my voice did
just a bit to confess
i was afraid
of letting down 
those who watched me
play the piano
get my first solo
cry when i came out
    after watching love, simon
what do you dream?
guitars and happiness
peace and harmonies
sold out stadiums and debt-free parents
i know why you make fun of me
 my first chorus
my wacked harmony
what you call "cool kid-itis"
but I'll remember all we've been through
just a little early to confess

the cliffnotes of dee’s abditory so she can revisit her life

    Fifteen years old, and she's already done everything that America has to offer for teenagers. In fact, she's so done with being another American girl that she'll don another personality just to keep things interesting. Somedays, she'll wake up and be an Irish chick who was sent to boarding school. For what reason, you ask? No one knows. The girls whisper as she walks up, a smile playing on her lips. What could she have done to be sent her, all confidence and secrecy?
    Somedays, she's a gentle British girl. Or so she seems. In actuality, she's like a Subway Surfers avatar in real life. Yes, you read that right. She's got those crazy reflexes and always has the best comeback at the ready. Just looking at her though, you'd never know it. A little taller than your average person, about 5' 6 or so, she's always looking for the next reason to show her skills off.
 ...

untitled (see footnotes)

your smile
it gives me butterflies
in all of the right places

your accent
brushes against me
like a warm blanket
the way you sound like home
even though
I've never been to England
or lived in the Philippines

your hair
makes my heart race
when you run your hands through it
the strands falling
in front of your glasses
which make me laugh
when they fall down your nose

your humor
it is precious
leading those butterflies
to dance in my stomach
and my heart to squeeze 

you
make me smile
when no one else can

late night confessions and early morning compassion

hey 
i think i love you
or maybe the feeling of you
your arm around my neck
your breath on my cheek
or maybe the idea of you
laughing as I jump back,
scared by the horror movie

hi
sorry to bother you again
but you didn't respond
i just wanted to let you know
i think i figured it out
i think you're the one i love
when you got me the dark chocolate
during that monthly time
let me know
if you get this

hey
you didn't answer to that
it doesn't say read
so maybe you're busy
but
just let me know if you feel the same

Year by Year

years go by and i've always been me

age one:
There I was, crying straight out. At least, I would think so based on how other babies react to coming here, to this world. Whenever I think back to that hospital in Baton Rouge, I always wonder. Did I cry? Or was I one of those psychopathic babies who would just stare?
age two:
There I was, in some stranger's home. It's weird when you really think about foster care. The government decides where you belong, and you have no choice, even though you will live the rest of your life based on someone else's decisions. I always wonder, how was I treated then? What did I do in those days of different homes every week?
age three:
There I was, still lying in a stranger's house. I wonder if I knew what the end goal was at that age. Who knew trying to get adopted took so long? And who was going to tell me when I...

addicted to the taste

you've got the bad type of reputation
that I'm addicted to
I know that I should stay away
but you've got me hooked on you
acid to my alkaline
gasoline to my spark
I'm under the influence
of your smile
of your laugh
of your happiness
I'm scared of what'll happen
when you leave
but for now
I'll stay with you
because an addiction
is only an addiction
when I don't have you

addicted to the taste

you've got the bad type of reputation
that I'm addicted to
I know that I should stay away
but you've got me hooked on you
acid to my alkaline
gasoline to my spark
I'm under the influence
of your smile
of your laugh
of you happiness
I'm scared of what'll happen
when you leave
but for now
I'll stay with you
because an addiction
is only an addiction
when I don't have you

we were born from a fallen star

one star
        f
            a
                l
                l   
                    i
                        n
                                g
driven from its home
to here
landed in the middle
of a field
out of the shine
a person came 
the shadows from the light
the fallen from the star
you're still that person
from the back of the class
just see me the same
is all I'll ask

grab bag pt. 2

an acrostic poem with your username (by BriRiley)

Gay (lol bisexual but there's nothing else that applies here)
Ambitious (to a FAULT)
Bilingual (Spanish and English)
Impatient
Meticulous (I think too much and tend to focus on irrelevant details) 
Army (bias is Jimin sorry not sorryyy)
Romantic (most likely from all those wattpad fanfiction iykyk)
Implusive (the majority of my decisions are spur-of-the-moment)
Energetic (probably too energetic)

untitled (see footnotes)

your smile
it gives me butterflies
in all of the right places

your accent
it makes me smile
both british and filipino

your hair
makes my heart race
when you run your hands through it

your glasses
they make me laugh
when they fall down your nose

your humor
it is precious
gives me those butterflies

you
make me smile
when no one else can

March Grab Bag

the truth is...

how a song has impacted you during the pandemic. (by rainey grace)

The song "Pray" by jxdn is a song that hits different, in my opinion. The first time I heard it, I was overwhelmed because I had just started classes again, while balancing music and my social life. I've also struggled with anxiety my whole life, so his song hit me in a real way. It was the first song of his that I had heard, and I was instantly struck by his lyrics and his vocals. 
I think it's really interesting to see the ways other people deal with their anxiety and depression. As someone who uses music as an outlet for anxiety, it's really eye-opening to see other people doing the same thing. There is a sense of solidarity in it.
Jxdn also uses the song as a way to show his progression past his struggles. It is a way of giving hope to those of...

happy international women's day

behind every strong man
    is an even stronger woman
remember that

there is nothing anyone
can say or do
to lessen your worth

why do you cover up your flaws
    when they make you who you are
every part is as it should be

stretch marks, cellulite, acne
it's a type of natural beauty
you are stunning

hold on tight to your life
    because you only live once
so be bold & beautiful

because

behind every strong man
    is an even stronger woman

see you soon

wishing you
    the happiest of birthdays
hoping you
    have the best of best days
this is
    the oldest you've ever been
    the youngest you'll ever be

life is
    a box of chocolates
you never know
    what you're gonna get
when you
    are born
when you
    leave this world

wishing you
    the happiest afterlife
hoping you
    live eternally in your personal heaven
this is
    the way I'll remember you
    the way you are

come visit
    for dia de los muertos
I'll see you soon
    mi abuela

Untitled (see message board)

I still remember our first drive. You were riding shotgun with no seatbelt. We had all the windows down and we had the aux playing Blink-182. I had introduced you to their song "All the Small Things" a month before, and you were instantly obsessed. 

I still remember our first drive-thru. We pulled into the closest McDonald's and you threw your hands up and laughed. We ordered 20 chicken nuggets and extra barbecue sauce and ate in the parking lot, laughing when I spilled the sauce on my legs, bare from the jean cutoffs I was wearing.

I still remember our first road trip playlist. You added LAUV and James TW and Neon Trees. I added Khalid and Travis Barker and King Princess. It was a mixtape of our modern loneliness and our big plans. We titled it: CONNOR & PEPPO'S PLAYLIST OF DRIVING PUNK CRAP.

I still remember the first time you pulled into my driveway in your new...

our friendship in one word (message board)

I take a sip of my coffee
    two shots of espresso, no milk or sugar
I watch you take a bite
    a glazed donut piled with sprinkles and icing
My stomach rumbles
    haven't eaten since yesterday morning

I put both earbuds in
    my playlist "don't talk to me I'm vibing"
I watch you pull out your new laptop
    the latest MacBook Pro
My lips pinch together
    could never afford something like that

I push accept on the facetime call
    interrupted in the middle of sleep
I listen to you rant
    your new boyfriend is just the WORST
I internally roll my eyes
    can't go to sleep for the rest of the night

I look at myself in the mirror
    curly brown hair, freckles, tan skin
I see you in the mirror
    flat ironed blonde hair, pale skin, mascara-tipped...

paranoia

    You know the feeling. When you’re at home by yourself; your brother and dad at Boy Scouts, your sister at soccer practice, your mom at the store. It’s like the house is creaking on purpose. It’s like your dog knows something you don’t. 
    The feeling gets to be too much sometimes, so I’ll play my Spotify and crank the speakers. I cringe when I remember that most of my neighbors probably won’t like hearing “The Eulogy of You and Me” for the tenth time, but I don’t dare turn it down. The music is a barrier, daring a murderer to just try and come into my house. I stare at my phone, trying to decide if Facetiming my friend would be too much. I check the door again, just making sure I locked it. Okay, so, no murderer. 
    Shit, I think, what if it’s like that tv show I saw and they can walk through walls and ohmygod ohmygod...

am i too angsty?

It’s the nature 
of the beast
run for your life
Am I wrong for
searching
What’s more important
my dream or my soul
The beast
recognizes me as one
of their own
Something sparks
in the bottomless eyes
A nod of respect
then                nothing
Am I wrong for
searching

wishing on a dandelion

head or heart
which is in control now?
a little moonlight in your eyes
a little starlight in mine
a lot of night between us
I swear
being this close
I can see the lunar phases
in your smile
I should walk away
my head knows it
but my heart
      my heart wants to take the dandelion in your hand
      and wish that we'll never leave

wishful thinking

Even though I know
I can’t stay here forever
I want to hold you here
And never let you leave
Take a polaroid of you and me
Capture this moment
Laying in the grass
Eyes almost closed
But I can’t go to sleep just yet
    If I do
You might leave
And I won’t be able to hold you forever
The polaroid of us
Might disappear with the wind
And the grass
Becomes ash under my feet
 

Dust Jacket

my life in a nutshell (i apologize in advance; i'm pretty boring)

Prompt #3:
  1. Three communities to which you belong (these can be unusual)
    1.   the sailing community
    2. the Elevated Ink community
    3. the French Truck coffeehouse community
  2. Three places you learn well (these can be unusual).   
    1. A coffeehouse
    2. A gazebo in a park while it's raining
    3. My room when every light is off except for my fairy light
  3. Three adjectives your peers would use to describe you.
    1. adventurous
    2. creative
    3. spontaneous
  4. Three adjectives your family would use.
    1. weird
    2. outdoorsy
    3. unpredictable
  5. Three adjectives you would use.
    1. artsy
    2. unorganized
    3. energetic
  6. Three beliefs you hold.   
    1. love is love.
    2. if I work hard enough, a road will open itself up.
    3. i don't need another half to my whole
  7. Three sources of comfort.   
    1. a vanilla chai latte
    2. my keyboard
    3. my "don't talk to me i'm vibing" spotify playlist
  8. Three instincts that serve you well. (not totally sure how to answer this...)  
    1. reading quickly
    2. i can feel if someone's looking at me
    3. being able...

Dust Jacket

my life in a nutshell (i apologize in advance; i'm pretty boring)

Prompt #3:
  1. Three communities to which you belong (these can be unusual)
    1.   the sailing community
    2. the Elevated Ink community
    3. the French Truck coffeehouse community
  2. Three places you learn well (these can be unusual).   
    1. A coffeehouse
    2. A gazebo in a park while it's raining
    3. My room when every light is off except for my fairy light
  3. Three adjectives your peers would use to describe you.
    1. adventurous
    2. creative
    3. spontaneous
  4. Three adjectives your family would use.
    1. weird
    2. outdoorsy
    3. unpredictable
  5. Three adjectives you would use.
    1. artsy
    2. unorganized
    3. energetic
  6. Three beliefs you hold.   
    1. love is love.
    2. if I work hard enough, a road will open itself up.
    3. i don't another half to my whole
  7. Three sources of comfort.   
    1. a vanilla chai latte
    2. my keyboard
    3. my "don't talk to me i'm vibing" spotify playlist
  8. Three instincts that serve you well. (not totally sure how to answer this...)  
    1. reading quickly
    2. i can feel if someone's looking at me
    3. being able to...

the good times & the bad ones

At the end of the night,
We light a fire
    That will continue to burn
It wasn’t a part of the plan
And neither was walking on the edge of anxiety’s ledge
But here we are
Because we did it for the hell of it
You told me
“Follow your heart”
    But I can’t hear what it’s saying
Over the look in your eyes
All my inspiration comes
From thinking about you
You had my attention
    Had me wanting more
I’m in the palm of your hand
    Not even thinking twice
Why do I love this feeling
    Of adrenaline
Why do I only love my name
    When you’re saying it?
We didn’t understand
    But now we know
Because you’re my muse
    And I’m your validation
        In what everyone is saying

When it’s the end of the night
All said and done
I’ll ask myself
    “If I knew you weren’t...

green hair & face tattoos (my dad's worst nightmare)

    It's a funny thing, being the oldest. Double standards and revelations. Seeing your little brother get a phone at 8 years old when you got yours at 13. Taking calculus and hearing your little sister complain about multi-step equations. Getting your 8th piercing and seeing your grandmother pretend to like it. Watching the news and seeing college students complain about their student loans and realizing that will be you in less than two years.
    It's a funny thing, being the rebellious one. Liberal beliefs and a lack of fear. Going to MOD SUN concerts and going home with my ears still ringing. Consistently asking your parents to get a nose piercing and having my mom on my side but not my dad. Never leaving my room without a pair of headphones or earbuds and blasting loud music. Spending hours looking for the tattoos I'll get the minute I turn 18. Watching the people with piercings and edgy clothes...

Untitled

write about what makes you different from everyone else in the world (by AbellePuppy34

    The one thing I truly feel like makes me different is my capacity to produce and compose music. I’ve loved music for as long as I can remember. When I started to play the piano, I remember this feeling of pure happiness. There is almost nothing as liberating as sitting down at a laptop, a keyboard, and a notebook and knowing that you can create something no one has before. In music, there is nothing but you, the melody, and the lyrics.
    Everything about the song is personal. It’s one of the most intimate things I can think of. Making a song from nothing is like baring your soul and putting it on display. You are taking experience and feelings from no one but yourself and putting next to a layering of beats and notes that no one but you has created. There is nothing...

rockstar rollercoaster

I wish I could
just enjoy the ride
But I’m suffocating
thoughts of fake friends
unrealistic dreams
    “How can you be a rockstar
When you’re a girl?”
But when I pull the guitar out
When I sit at the piano
I find oxygen
Enjoy the ride?
They say that for long road trips
I’m on a rollercoaster
    70 miles fast
It’s the adrenaline
in my veins
It’s the amp
crackling when I plug it in
It’s the unrealistic dreams
that keep me alive
You’ll see me
on my rockstar rollercoaster
 

Iron Doors

Wooden doors open pathways to new lives
They swing open easily
Let me see the good in life
But the one I want to open
Stays shut
I stare at the iron door
It mocks me
    Open me and see what you desire
But it stays locked
Laughs at me when I fail
Take what you want
Just let me in

my heatwave

Sometimes good things fall apart
The waves crashing into this feeling
into this house that is not home
Maybe this heatwave
    isn’t a reckless decision
It’s been a long time coming
Cleanse my sins 
    and make me clean again

detrimental desire

this is dangerous
like touching a stove
Or throwing a knife
it’s like a death wish
Throw me off a cliff and watch me fall
wicked 
    Why?
Loving me is like suicide
No amount of protection
will keep you from the
        scars
Watch me fall
    willingly
Into this fatal feeling

run from me

Flames
    Light me up from inside
A single touch
    Could kill a man
I wish you could hold me close
But a glance
    Burns with longing
        And fire
I burn for you and with you
While you melt me

everlasting

Chaos never dies
peace is a state of mind
the light shines, distantly
but the chaos is lingering
overhead, the doubt infiltrates
Because peace, the treaty, it is a lie
Because
In a dark room
    Chaos reigns
        and will never die

the in-between

We’ll see what happens
in the in-between
stars explode
sparks fly
The in-between
A non-mystical home
    to magical beings
Our personal fountain kingdom
We bow to no one
    but the stars and sparks

afterlife

leave me in my grave
Six feet under or a hundred
Does it really matter
when all it is is a body
returning to dust
When all is said and done
The ending is just that
    The End.
Nothing but
A body
A corpse
And then,
    dust.

truth is a social construct

money is a societal truth
the many have so few
the few have so much
push them down
you can’t rise by being nice
Kill them with kindness
is outdated
A notion of the past
A nicety of those who could
Felt a knife in your back
But look at yourself 
    before the blame is placed
The real truth
    dollar bills for the kills

wishing on a dandelion

Even though I know
I can’t stay here forever
I want to hold you here
And never let you leave
Take a polaroid of you and me
Capture this moment
Laying in the grass
Eyes almost closed
But I can’t go to sleep just yet
    If I do
You might leave
And I won’t be able to hold you forever
The polaroid of us
Might disappear with the wind
And the grass
Becomes ash under my feet

is a title really necessary for two sentences?

I'm only safe when I'm alone, but they don't really know. You know that I'll stay away from you, but that's an uphill climb.

what's the point when everyone's a 21st century vampire?

We're pale from lack of going outside. We stare at our phone screens all day and mindlessly double tap photos of people who make us feel lesser than. We blink at the screen of laptops and roll our eyes when the zoom glitches for the tenth time today. We run on shots of black coffee made hurriedly in the morning, already five minutes late for class. We comment "omg soo cute" on Instagram and send each laughing-crying emojis but we keep a straight face through it all. Do we feel anything anymore? I mean, really, what's the point of living when we're all already half-dead?

remember me just like this

my foot tapping as I strum chords
the way I rub my collarbone when I'm stressed
how I go to thrift stores just to distress oversized tshirts
my notebook full of half-written lyrics
how I go for long drives when I can't sleep
the way my nose crinkles when I'm embarrassed
the love I have for children and my future ones
my passion for travel
my laugh when we roll the windows down
how I sleep with the covers pulled over my head
the venom in my words when I'm angry
the way I look at you when we fight
how I listen to NF when I get upset
my fear of being replaced
remember me just like this
the way I am

all my fault

I've been thinking
thinking about us
about the place we're in
        a rock & a hard place
I put us here
through those late-night conversations
I knew they were poison
I hear you whisper
        I'm sorry I'm so jaded
Can we go back
to holding hands in the park
watching stars in the back of your truck
        one last time
I know these feelings too well
I put us here
between a rock and a hard place
but I'm sorry
    that I'm so jaded

Mid-February Grab Bag

world of grey

a poem about what your favorite color tastes like! (by FantasyOtter12)

a double shot of espresso
    bitter going down
but worth it when it keeps me
                        awake
a piece of mom's lemon cake
    sweet and tangy
but is it worth the calories
                        consumed
a plateful of lettuce
    bland all the way through
not worth the weight
                            lost
the taste buds on my tongue
    wonder what comes next
the espresso
the cake
the salad
    the questions
surrounded in my world of grey

what am I left with?

we’re disconnected
I never felt supported
you never felt respected
guess that’s why the pieces don’t fit
you can’t throw people together
and call it family
I was rejected
some people aren’t perfect
but expect perfection
just listen to me
but your opinion means more
final.
my pain’s relentless
taking over my body
but
when the music is off
what am I left with?

potential love song (shadows)

so beautiful, so dangerous
the story starts
a month before December
I was wearing an oversized sweater
I caught your eye
and by January
you called me mine
but
the shadows of our love
keep me up at night
I see you walk away in my nightmares
we were so beautiful, so dangerous
we were the toxic kind of love
you can’t ignore
we were so foolish, so stupid
to think we could ignore
the shadows of our love
you were the kind I wanted to love
the sun in my sky
I was the kind you wanted to have
a notch on your belt
so we made sense
I guess
chorus
the story starts
a month before December

Worth It (Chapter 1)

love (noun)
\ ˈləv \
(2): attraction based on sexual desire; affection and tenderness felt by lovers
ex: After all these years, they are still very much in love.
The story starts on a Saturday. A hot, humid, Louisiana-typical Saturday. I woke up earlier that day, my sleep disturbed by the sunlight streaming through the window. I curled my lip at the bright light and silently cursed myself for not closing the curtain. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, sighing. I so did not want to get up. Nothing was going to happen today. Just like every other damn day, I am going to make waffles, hear my little brother complain about how there’s not enough vanilla, and then sit here in this suffocating town until it’s time to dutifully attend church. Great. Another day wasted in this small, closeted town.
I walk out of my room to see my dad hand Jasper a fork and a plate....

Worth It (Prologue)

love (noun)
\ ˈləv \
(Entry 1 of 2)
1a(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
ex: maternal love for a child
I miss it. Don’t you? The early mornings filled with the smell of your dad’s black coffee, the after-school ritual of riding the bus with the windows down with your ride-or-dies and screaming Paramore and Selena Gomez lyrics to the strangers outside. I didn’t know it back then, that I would be this way. I think it happened when I met him. I didn’t know it at the time, but he would change my life. I didn’t know how badly I would want to make him laugh; I had no idea how badly I wanted him to feel the same. I had no idea love would be the thing that changed me.

not a typical woman

I’m just a typical woman
young and pretty, shy and quiet
I’m just an average teenager
shallow and petty, cruel and foolish
I’m just a standard student
overwhelmed and stressed, exhausted and lacking
I’m just a mediocre athlete
tired and bored, arrogant and disdainful
but
I’m not average nor standard nor mediocre
I’m loud
I’m thoughtful
I’m determind
I’m entergetic
I’m not a typical woman

state of mind

exhausted
        is the wrong word to describe
        the way I am
my bones ache
my head throbs
my body crashs
this feeling
e  x  t  e  n  d  s
over my whole self
bu    ry    ing
    me
I am tired
I am exhausted
I
    am
        done

my unapologetic past

Many say the past is past, and the future is not worth worrying about. If that is the case, then we should just focus on the present. But if the past is so full of mistakes and failure, how can we just forget? How can we just forget our failures when they make up so much for who we are? Who I am? I have to be unapologetic, but the truth is, I never was.

monsters & demons pt. 2

you made me into who you wanted
I didn’t like who I was
so I accepted
but the me you made
made me into a monster
and you a hero
the hero who destroys the monster
like how you destroyed me
never your fault
always mine
I didn’t like who I was
but I didn’t like who you made me
full of fear
full of anxiety
full of doubt
you made me
into a monster
so you didn’t
have to face yours

the struggle of us

do you know how hard it is
to watch you fall apart
and I’m still standing here
helpless
do you know how hard it is
to see you run back to them
the people who hurt you
and who will do it again
do you know how hard it is
to just be your friend
when we could be something more
do you know how hard it is
to hold you while you break down
and then watch you
blame it on yourself
do you know how hard it is
to sit by and do nothing
while you hurt
helpless

8 L E T T E R S

you deserve to hear those words
a thousand times over
and I know I’ve said them
more than I should
but then
why is it so hard to say
I want to choose you
but I have too much to lose
we met through friends
a house party I wasn’t supposed to be at
you had me wrapped around your finger
and I had you wrapped around my heart
I’m in way too deep
can’t touch the bottom
but if all it is
is 8 letters
why is it so hard to say
why am I in my way
when all it is is 8 letters

(my melody of the wdw album 8 letters)

saved is a state of mind

you can take all of me
because I can’t be saved
leave me here
in a broken grave
because you can’t be saved
never let me go
you can’t walk away
even though I can’t be saved
every day it always rains
blue winds and grey skies
but you can’t be saved
in my lucid dreams
I see you smile
but I can’t be saved
you see the stars shine in my eyes
and you laugh at my crinkled nose
yet you can’t be saved
you were in my head
I was in your heart
we were holding each other
neither of us saved
but both of us
safe

a gentle reminder

You don’t need a half to your whole. People are going to tell you that you need someone else to complete you, but they’re wrong. Don’t search for something that will make you better; you’re already exactly who you’re meant to be.

monsters & demons

A monster among men they say
for breaking my heart
for leaving me in pieces
But they don’t know the story
they don’t know the truth
how we cried together
how I left you
Because of my fears
because of my insecurities
A monster among men they say
to a girl hiding demons

ode to bts

dream, hope, forward, forward
that’s what they taught me
love yourself, love myself
that’s what they showed me
it’s okay to not have a dream
that’s what they reassured me
we’re extra but still part of this world
that’s what they told me
tell the haters nevermind
that’s what they instructed me
they taught me how to love
                        how to joke
                        how to work hard
                        how to smile
                        how to power through
without them
i would be
. . . 

ramblings of a dark morning

supposed to be open, who is?
scared of darkness, dislike of light
succeeded at school, failed at life
I can’t not care about you
same and same, opposites don’t attract
lot of friends, little of love
found the one, now they’re gone
bright eyes, fake smiles, secret past
living that American Bad Dream here.

The One

We've all got stories. The stories we tell to our parents on the way home. The stories we tell with our favorite people, laughing with our friends. The stories we plan to tell our children and grandchildren. We look around us and we see the people that shape us and the stories we tell. We see our teachers and our friends and our mentors and the people we don't like. They make us who we are. They are our stories. In ten years, twenty years, thirty years, we will still tell the stories about how we met our first love, when we failed our first test, when we had our hearts broken, when we fought with our parents, when we faced our demons, when we won our battles. Those are our stories. Our children will hear how brave we were and how scared we were and how passionate we are.
It all comes down to the people around us. Our...

Your siren call

I heard the siren call
followed you to the ends of the earth
now I'm drowning
can't breathe
can't see
but I'm living through you
I thought the siren call
meant I was dying
and I can't breathe
I can't see
I can't listen
but you're letting me live through you
I heard the siren call
followed you to the ends of the earth
now I'm drowning
but I'm living

night falls

I want to spend all my time under the stars
blanketed by the past and the future
sheltered by the inky darkness and silvery light
hidden by the ever-moving moon
I want to lose time in the obscurity
known by the compounded mystery
conflicted
I know I should go inside
but I want to spend my life under the stars

Myself

I spend my days with people that encourage 
me 
to be me
But who I am is not who I was raised to be
Intelligent
                                Obedient
  Reasonable
             Catholic
Just follow the rules:
1. Follow god
2. Have good morals    
3. Work hard                
My family is nothing
If not
Consistent
I am not 
                    Obedient
Or logical
        or straight
I
    Follow
        My path
        Wherever it
Takes                 me
                        Even if it brings me away
        Away from my family
                            And their rules
My thoughts have no method
                                                They are their own madness
I spend my time with people 
that encourage me to be 
Myself

The One

We've all got stories. The stories we tell to our parents on the way home. The stories we tell with our favorite people, laughing with our friends. The stories we plan to tell our children and grandchildren. We look around us and we see the people that shape us and the stories we tell. We see our teachers and our friends and our mentors and the people we don't like. They make us who we are. They are our stories. In ten years, twenty years, thirty years, we will still tell the stories about how we met our first love, when we failed our first test, when we had our hearts broken, when we fought with our parents, when we faced our demons, when we won our battles. Those are our stories. Our children will hear how brave we were and how scared we were and how passionate we are.
It all comes down to the people around us. Our...

Song Writing Competition 2021

Dear Neverland

his words don’t hurt
but the memories do
staring at the sky
looking for the old us
soaring through the stars
looking for the old me
smiling through the pain
he’s just another adrift kid
lost in the wind
lost in the wave
he’s just another lost boy
searching for his purpose
searching for his truth
his words don’t hurt
but the memories do

tell me idle promises
we’ll live forever
our friendship is true
tell me your fantasy
faith, trust, and pixie dust
faith in this never-ending cage
trust in this cage of lies
pixie dust can’t fix what’s already
broken
chorus
oh the memories do