عاشق الله

smuggles cookies as a proffesion
has a plan to take over the world

~ hi lo ~

Message from Writer

it's really hard.

Published Work

does it ever go away

I'm going to live.

I'm going to read books and cry with the main characters.
I'm going to draw, yes I suck, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
I'm going to cook cause I'm a huge foodie in disguise.
I'm going to study hard so I can make money and travel to Madagascar.
I'm going to start and finish writing a book with lots of pretty sentences.
I'm going to collect rocks and shells everywhere I go.
I'm going to write poetry (must I say more?).
I'm going to start taking pictures of everything until I can capture the moment.
I'm going to fall in love. Yeah, I said it. And I will, I promise.
I'm going to get a black belt so I can go for walks at night because I can protect myself.
I'm going to learn more card tricks so I can avoid proper conversations with living creatures.
I'm going to water the plant on my desk...

five promises i couldn't keep

/1/  I remember that night. It was late and the stars were out keeping watch over us.  The wind blew softly and the world quieted down for us. And oh, our hearts. Our hearts were so young, they didn't know a world without one another to lean on and confide in. We promised each other the most pretty, childish lie: that we would always be there for each other. But how can I keep my part of the promise if you can't keep yours?

/2/  I don't know why you told me. Perhaps it makes me a bad person, but I cared about you enough not to let this secret tear you apart. I promised not to say a word. But I had to. And if I had to make the choice again, it would always be to tell the secret. Because I think, in the end, that's what saved you. Thank you for forgiving me. 
/3/  You were...


i'm feeling blue
cause i'm still missing you

thought it'd go away
that i'd forget you someday

but everytime, everytime it's you
oh God, if only you knew

i can't look at the stars without
thinking about

all those moments we shared under the sky
before we knew what it was to say goodbye

i hope you know you've lost someone
who still loves you after all you've done

if you're bored....

  1. Find a kid and tell them you're their future self.
  2. Call a random number and say, "They're after me, where do I put the body?"
  3. Next time a stranger talks/interacts with you, be shocked and whisper, "wait, you can see me?".
  4. Go to the nearest aquarium with a fishing rod.
  5. Walk up to someone in a busy place and say, "You. You're one of them." then slowly back away.
  6. Go to a zoo. Shout loudly, "Somebody come quick. An animal got out of its cage." When personell come, point at a random person.
  7. Whenever people ask for your name and last name, tell them the first is "Frank" and your last name is "Enstien".
  8. Enter a crowded elevator. Once it starts moving, say, "You're probably wondering why I've gathered you here."

let me dream

let me dream
of starry nights
and flying kites
of rainy days
and sunny rays

let me dream
of golden tears
and elf ears 
of green pastures
and singing passers

let me dream
of loud ocean waves
and hollowed caves
of purple seashells
and twinkling bells

let me dream
of singing birds
and grazing herds
of chocolate and coffee
and sticky, melted toffee

let me dream
of you and me
and peach ice tea
of cotton candy sunsets
and healthy cigarettes

let me dream

July Grab Bag

just the dumb truth

To my eight year-old self,

it's still hard. 


The Eulogy For My Best Friend Who Didn't Die

Today I lost my best friend. Today I buried her. I didn't even get a goodbye.

To be honest I think I lost her a long time ago. I didn't want to accept it. I thought she would come back, but really, death never returns what it takes. I miss her every day; I miss her every time I look at the sky, the moon, the flowers, and the grass because they all remind me of her. I've lost her to something worse than death. She is here but not. 

I see her often. I haven't chosen it this way. But now I have to look at empty eyes that once understood my everything just by looking at me. I have to look at lips that once said words that supported me. I have to look at ears that once listened to all secrets. I have to look at hands that once warmed mine. But none of that can ever...

tsk tsk


i know lying is easier

but pity
can never be

sun / moon

she was the sun
and he was the moon
they never got to be together
but they chose it 
the immortal pain
of watching each other go
every morning 
and every night
instead of the momentary bliss 
of mortal love


some stuff i need to appreciate

 1. Against my preferences, I live in the city. It is quite hard to see stars with all the buildings and artificial lights. It makes me sad, maybe angry too. Some nights, if I'm lucky, I get to see one or two stars.

2. As mentioned, I don't see stars often. But I've discovered other stars, the stars of the day. I discovered them while on an unbearably hot day. I was on a boat. I looked at the water, and the sparkle the sun made, as it touched the sea. It partially blinded me, but they were beautiful. The sparkles reminded me of stars, just brighter.  

3. Covid has been hard, but worst of all, it has taken away the inane things. So much that, when it comes to simple things, we live by convenience. When was the last time you got wet in the rain? Those moments, like running through the grass shoeless, are enlivening.  

4. I've read...

our ambivalent relationship [footnotes]


I've been wanting to tell you this for a while. I know that we have a pretty solid relationship and I've known you for a long time; almost all my life. You've almost always been there for me, except for when I'm tongue-tied or I've got some sort of writer's block, then you tend to ditch me. We've made it through, I'll give you that. Yet overall this time, there are still some things we just haven't had the chance to talk about. This might take you by surprise, and since I still need you, try not to be too offended. 

I don't trust you. In fact, I'm scared of you. You are dangerous. And if that isn't enough, then you're reckless. I mean, look at yourself. You control people. Your ambiguity is your most lethal weapon. What's hardest, is how everyone loves you. They don't see what I see. A two-face. You can be so many things at...

the meanings of <3

ah, the things we don't say. 

To the love of your life: honey, don't ask me why i didn't send the heart emoji. i want to remind you that we aren't a whole. we are two parts, and very different parts. < and 3 that come together to make the whole. 

To that guy you can't have: i don't want to forget that there is always something in between us. we aren't 2 as we should be. we are 3 because you can't seem to let go of her. <2

To the guy you just broke up with: idiot. im still in love with you, and i know you still love me too. don't give up, we can jump over those gaps. we have a tryst, remember?

To the guy you are trying to humanely reject: take the hint, take the hint, take the hint. it is just a friendly bouquet on its side. <3

To that close friend: i'm...

less than a memory

i can't remember a time
when you were there for me

when you saved me a seat
when you shared your juice box with me

when you gave me looks
only i understood

i can't remember a time 
when you wanted me
when you needed me

i can't remember
those moments we shared
at the edge of the world

i can't remember those times
when we were "we"

i wish i had known
it would go as it came

maybe then i would have savoured those moments i had
in your arms

did you ever really exist?
how could something so valuable
become nothing?

how could something so big
be lost in such small time?

i just want to know
did i imagine a you that was mine
and a me that was yours?

why can't i remember
those seconds
where i mattered 

someone loves you

Someone loves you. No matter what is going on in your life, someone loves you. Maybe that person isn't alive anymore, maybe they're right in front of you, and maybe their time is yet to come. They don't love you the way your mother loves you, or the way your siblings love you, or your friends, or your significant other. Their love doesn't have a name or label. They just love you the way you want to be loved. The way you need to be loved. 

Keep waiting, believing and hoping. Even if you never know who it is, whoever they are, they will always be watching out for you and doing small things to make you smile. 

five words that i like (part 2)

kalopsia: the delusion that things are more beautiful then they really are.

caim: is an invisible circle of protection, drawn around the body with the hand, that reminds you that you are safe and loved, even in the darkest of times.

duende: the mysterious power of art to deeply move a person.

athazagoraphobia: the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced.

tacenda: things better left unsaid; matter to be passed over in silence.

bonus: mephobia: fear of becoming so awesome that the human race can't handle it and everyone dies

one moment vs. half an hour ft. anxiety

The Normal Kid:

"Grab the salt from the dining room."

"Yes, Mom." 

Walks over to the dining area. 

"I'm doing great... Yeah.... What about you?"

*Picks up the salt*

"Here Mom, the salt."

*Dramatically places it down on the counter and runs off*

The Kid Kid:

"Grab the salt from the dining room."

Phew, at least she didn't ask me to take orders.

*Walks down the hall*

Wait a sec. They're all eating. Uh uh, no way. I'm not going in. 

*Snaps fingers at little brother who's sitting in the lounge on his tablet*

"Go grab the salt for Mom, kay?"
"Ummm, no."
"I said now."
*Fight ensues*
*Little weasel runs into the garden with the phone*

*peaks head around the corner and then snaps it back*

They're all sitting around the table. And the salt is in the middle. Middle. I'll have to reach my hand across. Nope. Hell no. They'll see my arm, like my actual arm....

three words i like a lot

caraphernelia: a broken-heart diease that occurs whenever someone leavs you, but leaves all of their things behind.

cwtch: more than a cuddle or hug, when you give someone a cwth, you figuratively give them a safe place. 

cafuné: running your fingers through the hair of someone you love

bonus: haters: people who secretly want to be with you.


flip your screen around and read from the top. why? because weird fonts are c̷̬̺̠̗̺͕͌̏̔õ̷̢̨̰̝͈̍͛̈́̀͆̍̒́̾͜ớ̶̡̨̡̹͑̽͋̈́̅̀͘̕ľ̵̬̀. 

ǝɹɐ noʎ oɥʍ
ʍouʞ noʎ sɐ ɓuol sɐ
noʎ ǝɹɐ os puɐ ʇɔǝɟɹǝd ɯ,ı
ɓuoɹʍ sʇı ʇɐɥʇ ʇno suɹnʇ ʇı
ɥɔɹɐǝsǝɹ ʎɯ pıp ı llǝʍ
„ʇɔǝɟɹǝd sı ʎpoqou„
:ǝsɐɹɥd ʇɐɥʇ ʍouʞ noʎ

a remedy

You know when you've got a splinter, that feeling. Like something snuck its way in and you just want it out. You want to escape because even though it is just a tiny little piece, you feel like it is dragging you down;  "attacking you from within". Sometimes we get internal splinters, little but big things that are bothering us. Their effects keep us up at night. However, there is a remedy and a way to remove it. 

Get out of bed. Grab a pencil, make sure there is no eraser and grab a few pages from your notebook. If you're a tea person, then go and make yourself a large cup with a few extra sugars. If you're not, then warm up some juice (believe me, it's really good). Put on a thick grandpa sweater, nobody is going to see you so don't fix your hair or wash your face. You must be in your most candid state. Another...


he told me to reach for the stars
but you told me 
to be the sky that carries the stars
and protects the world from places where it can't breathe
that's how i knew
you were the one for me

a bit too much

Sometimes I think I love you too much. Maybe if I didn't love you with every part of my heart, your half love would be a bit more significant. Your sloppy goodbyes and empty "love you"s would maybe have some meaning. I'd have the upper hand that decides how your day goes. I'll decide whether you're gonna slouch or stand tall. I'll decide whether you're going to laugh or cry.  

Wouldn't that be nice? I get to inflict or relieve. I get to inject or extract. I get to bring your sun up from whichever side I want, all depending on how i say a few words. I get to send rain on you, maybe even a thunderstorm if i'm angry. Wouldn't it be nice if i could love you less? Maybe then i wouldn't have to be the victim. 

I can light up your world. I can put stars in your skies. That is what i would do, I...

one sentence

"you were too busy trying to capture her beauty,
you didn't notice yourself decaying."


if you would just take my hand
you'd see that the roughness isn't scales
it's scars

if you would just look at my eyes
you'd see that the wetness isn't drool
it's tears

if you would only look a little higher
you'd see it isn't horns on my head
it's a hood to hide my face
if you would only listen to my singing 
you'd see it isn't an incantation 
it's a soft call for help

if you just come a little closer
you wouldn't smell a foul back alley
you would smell coffee that a sleepless me drank too much of

if you would look closely at my body
you wouldn't see deformity
you'd see the most perfect imperfection

if you would just let me open my mouth
you wouldn't see fangs 
you'd see maimed teeth that anxiety ground too many times

if you would just visit me once
you wouldn't see a den
just the room of...

some things just weren't made to grow

once he brought me flowers
"our love will always prosper like these flowers"

i kissed him on his blushed cheeks
the flowers were beautiful, unlike all i'd seen

i looked at them all-day
i watered them and nursed them

they were my most precious possession

they didn't grow, i started to worry
was he trying to tell me something?

was this the end?
i became desperate

the leaf started to break
in sync with my heart

grow, i begged, grow
i tried every magic spell i knew:

"i love you"
"i'm sorry"

"i'll do better"
"give me one more chance"

when a heartbreak later
i stopped caring for them

nothing changed; it didn't grow or wither
too bad i didn't see it earlier 

my flower was fake

if only you existed

everytime i close my eyes, i see a dream
a fantasy standing on the horizon agleam

perfect for me, perfect for you
but if i drop into your arms, i know i'll fall through

you’re a ghost of my desires
but a love i know won't expire

we spent the night whispering to each other
wishing we had together yet another

but i know that i must open my eyes  
will you forgive me if I apologize?

if only you existed outside of my dreams
beyond the painful, open seams

you’re so real that you’re so fake
tell me at least dreams don’t end in heartbreak

if only you were still there when i open my eye
maybe that way it wouldn’t another painful goodbye

this the only way to keep you mine
this our destiny by design  

so let’s savor these moments, before i wake up
and so will arrive our destined breakup

but i’ll be back, tomorrow night ...


you. there isn't much left of that. 

life is hard, breathing is harder
night is dark, your days are darker
the speakers are loud, the voice in your head is louder

today is tomorrow and tomorrow is yesterday
time goes by and you're already in May
all you're tryin' to do is be okay

fall and hope you'll be caught
but you know that even wishing for that is a lot
and do remember that it's not all for naught

the sun will rise
to put light in your skies
no more half-truths, no more lies

by and by-
you'll leave your cocoon, and become a butterfly
now all you have to do is fly

you. there is so much left to find in that.

Food Writing Competition 2021

the 6th love language

Even if you haven't read (okay, confession. I haven't read it either) "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate", I am sure you have taken a love language test. You know those "know yourself better" quizzes. I am not too familiar but my cousin, whose career interest resides in psychology, mentioned this more than once. To summarize, there are said to be five languages: [words of] affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

I can relate; I think we all can. Even if you don't have a significant other in your life, you have a parent, sibling, extended family, or friend who means a lot to you. Some people are brave. They can say "I need you", "I miss you", "I love you" without batting an eye. But some people cower under the weight of those words. That is where the languages come in. You express love and appreciation in more...