Lilyaa

United States

She/her
Low key kinda gay
Low key got some issues
High key thriving
Not a great writer but yet I somehow ended up here

Message from Writer

"Broken crayons still color" - Unknown

"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk through my garden forever." - Alfred Tennyson

"Its okay if some things are always out of reach. If you could carry all the stars in the palm of your hand, they wouldn't be half as breathtaking." - Caroline Kaufman

Published Work

Six words to describe my year *footnotes!*

Frail bones, frail mind, frail heart



 

Without her where would I be?

 Without her 
I don't know where I would be

Maybe I would be fine
Falling asleep with dry eyes
Not happy with my life
But not hating it either

Maybe I would be content
Satisfied with where Im at
Enjoying the good moments
And rarely wishing for more

Maybe I would be free
My mind finally clear
From the destructive thoughts 
And my future now open
To new possibilities

Actually

            No

                 Forget that
             
I realize now 


                    That that's what my life is like 

                                                                 With her
                         ...

Being with her

Being with her
Feels like dew
Sprinkled across
A grassy field 
On a foggy morning
The air wet and cool
The sun shining through
Clouded air 
You can't see any farther
Than the house next door
Yet everything feels so refreshing
And free

Being with her 
Feels like a sunny day
Warmth filling you up
As you lay on the sand
Of a lonely beach
The waves hitting the shore
And the siren song
Of the unknown
Calling to you
Beckoning you
To dive in
And never go back
For the land is boring and old
And the sea is new and full of possibility

Being with her 
Feels like a winter storm
Strong and fierce
If your outside looking in
Ready to bury you alive 
If you let down your guard
But on the other hand
It's calming and beautiful
If your inside looking out
White consuming every other color
Except for the ones around you
As you sit...

Divided

We used to be united 
Hand in hand
On same side of the battle field
Believing in the same ideals
Of freedom and justice

But now the worlds divided
Friends fighting with friends
Family fighting with family
Strangers fighting with strangers
Everyone with their own opinions
Of what's right and what's wrong
Of who's right and who's wrong
Of why it's right and why it's wrong

When did people
Stop fighting together
And start fighting each other

He's bad 
She's bad
They're all bad 

But no ones willing to admit it 
So they just turn on each other 
Punching 
Screaming
Kicking 
With everything they've got
To fight for their side 

He might be right
She might be right
They all might be wrong

Who the hell knows

We were once united
But now we stand divided 
 

Help

Help
I scream 
But its like
Im submerged
Underwater
Or behind
A pane of glass
Because my voice
Is muffled 
And nobody
Hears me 

Help
I plead
Crying out 
To be saved 
From myself 
And the world 
That has broken me
Beyond repair 
But again
I am ignored 
They say
Im not special
Or damaged enough 
To be worth rescuing

Help 
I whisper
My cry
Just a breath 
In the wind 
Snatched up 
Before it's even fully
Passed my lips 
And whisked away
Into the sky 
So that the only ones
That will ever hear it
Are the stars themselves 

Help 
I sob
Tears streaming down
My face 
Like the rain 
That's pouring around me 
So loud
That it's almost like
There's no noise at all
And the world is just 
A deafening silence 
Forever drowning out 
The word I so desperately want
Someone to hear 
Help






 

Escape

Lost
And afraid
She wanders
Alone
In a world
Full of monsters 
And fear

But when
She puts 
Her pen 
To paper
The monsters
Retreat
And the fear
Disapears
 

A love like that

We go on dates
Where we lie under the stars
In places not yet poisoned 
By the light of the city
And we have your first kiss
Awkward but full of emotion
While the big dipper shines overhead

I want a love like that

We drive for hours
You in the passenger seat
Leaving our destination
In fate's hands
And we sing along to songs
At the top of our lungs
Until our voices are hoarse and weak
Occasionally glancing over
To see each other smiling 
Living purely in this perfect moment 

I want a love like that

You come over at midnight
Saying you couldn't sleep
So I let you in 
And we spend the night
Talking with everything but words
Until we finally fall asleep 
Just as the sun starts to rise
Wrapped in each others arms

I want a love like that

We walk through a park 
On a cold fall day
Holding coffees that we bought...

Future fantasy

We laugh together
Side by side on her blanket
In a patch of woods
Clear of trees
The wind howling around us
Creating the perfect future
In our imaginations

We will be the CEOs
Of target and Walmart
Everyone will know who we are
Yet our names will be a mystery

We will be the first quadrillionaires
And our house will be huge
A private mansion
Located on a patch of land
Filled with forests and prairies
And endless fields of flowers 

We will have dogs 
And cats
And ferrets 
And mice 
And snakes 
And geckos 
And each animal will have their own room
And the freedom to roam wherever they choose

We will have a summer island
That you can only get to 
On our personalized yacht
And under that island
You'll find a top secret lair
With scientists working day in and day out
Creating the first ever time machine
And other inventions you've never even heard of
...

Shattered

Shattered glass
Litters the floor

My knuckles are bleeding
I don't really care anymore

When I looked in the mirror
I saw the thing I despise

That hopeless look
In her hopeless eyes

So I swung my fist
Letting out a scream

And the glass cracked
Falling all over me 

Now I stand here 
All cut up and bruised 

Sobbing harder then ever
And so very confused 

For I thought breaking that glass
Would clear up my mind

It would calm the storm
Raging inside 

But instead it just hurts
So I kneel to the ground

The tears start coming faster
Im no longer making a sound

My head is spinning 
My heart is racing

My thoughts are screaming
My body's aching

I give up
I can't go on

I want to sleep
Days are far to long

So I close my eyes
And let the darkness come 

I'll clean up this mess tomorrow
Right now I just want to...

Drowning

Trapped
Underwater
My lungs
Screaming
For air

But when
Relief 
Never comes 
And my
Lungs 
Are left
Empty

I drown
In the
Depths 
Of
My 
Despair

YOU in threes

Random stuff about yours truly

Three quirks or idiosyncrasies
1. When Im in a room or car or really anywhere where I'm just sitting around, I subconsciously count a specific set of things around me over and over
2. I can't visualize things mentally (like I can't conjure up images of things in my head)
3. I pretty much never put my hair up even though its relatively long, even when Im exercising. I just hate how it looks and feels 

Three communities to which you belong (these can be unusual)
1. The LGBTQ+ community :)
2. My community of friends?? 
3. I guess also the wtw community now 

Three adjectives your peers would use to describe you
1. Charismatic
2. Funny
3. Loving (These are just what one of my friends said so idk)

Three adjectives your family would use
1. Funny
2. Generous
3. Insecure (I got these from my mom and I mean she's not wrong about this one)

Three adjectives you...

Feels

She smiles
Lighting up my world
Like a lightbulb being turned on
In a pitch black room

She laughs 
Warming my heart
Softening it from its casing of ice
That its been trapped in for far to long

She talks
Clearing my head
Causing all my chaotic thoughts to disappear
So that all I hear is her

She holds my hand 
Sending lightning bolts through my body
So fierce I can no longer breathe
And if it means she keeps her fingers interlaced with mine
I would be fine with never breathing again

 

Yet another day

White walls 
White noise 
White lies 

I toss and turn
The sanitized sheets 
Of an uncomfortable hospital bed 
Crinkling beneath me 

I want to leave 
To go home
To my own bed
My own room
My own life

But they trapped me here
Like an animal in a cage

Saying I needed to be tamed
Because I was to wild
Saying I needed to be fixed 
Because I was to broken

But you can't domesticate a beast
That's killed dozens of people
Instead
You put it down

And you can't fix a vase
That's shattered into a million pieces
Instead
You throw it away

So why can't I just be put to sleep
Or tossed in the trash

I mean
That's what happens
To everything else
Like me

I didn't ask for a second chance
I didn't ask to be glued back together
I didn't ask to be locked in here
Unable to escape

They shove pills down my throat ...