Xoan

United Kingdom

pronouns: zhe/zhir/zhirs/zhirself
Gender: no idea
i write my feelings

Message from Writer

Hello people! please tell me if I'm a crap writer
Please note that my writing may not include the correct pronouns for me as I'm still working myself out

Published Work

Failing

Zhe doesn't know why zhe volunteered to do this
the ipad in front of zhir is silent
everyone's muted
and ignoring zhir questions 
while zhir anxiety makes zhir relive every failed task
every time zhe said the wrong thing
had promises broken
and was teased
and zhe fights the urge to mute
as zhe struggles with zhir words

they don't know about zhir
as far as they know zhirs a teenage girl named Naomi
not an anxious enby named Xoan who uses neopronouns 
zhe tries to focus on the task at hand 
but zhir mind is racing
a million thoughts filling zhir head
but zhe can't find the courage to speak

zhe finally gets a relief when a kind family enters the breakout room
and aren't muted so they talk and fill the silence momentarily 
and mute
so zhe's back to struggling with words
and wondering if this is how zhir teachers feel on teams

eventually zhe works up the...

Education

She's behind on schoolwork and there's no escaping it
shell have to work through the summer to catch up let alone get ahead
Stupid lockdown
stupid teachers
Why couldn't they have chased her up on her work
or at least asked what was going on
why didn't they care?

It's not like she'll be doing anything anyway
there's too much coronavirus for the road trip they planned
for the last summer with the caravan
never mind at least she's not sick

The feeling of being strangled

Zhe's pissed
zhir mum outed zhir to zhir nan
and was transphobic while she did it
talked about zhir being too young
can't decide until zhir 25
zhe thinks its bullshit
but it doesn't stop it hurting

when zhe came out zhir mum screamed
and shouted that the devil was using zhir
because she met zhir older brothers dad in a nightclub called the zone
it hurts because zhir wanted zhir parents approval,
their help, but they rejected everything zhe said
it feels like its zhir fault,
like if zhe explained it better they would understand 
but the truth hurts more
that zhir parents would reject zhir no matter what zhe said

the feeling that they'll never be enough no matter what zhe does
apart from lie
is strangling 
and zhe can't lie-
not about this
so zhe wants to run far far away
from everything 
including life

the stupidest part is that zhe still cares
and thats why it...

Confusion

Zhe's confused,
there are so many identities,
pronouns,
sexualities,
who is zhe?

zhe thinks zhe likes zhe/zhir pronouns,
but zhe isn't sure
zhe thinks zhe likes the name Xoan
but zhe isn't sure

the pronunciation of zhe,
is similar to zhir friends name Xea
so zhe isn't sure whether to use zhe/zhir

what if zhe's wrong though?
what if zhes just a girl?

When zhe came out to zhir parents 
they told zhir it was because of Instagram
and zhir friends being trans
and that zhe has to take a break from both
but zhe loves having friends
they are the only people zhe can be zhirself around

Reading late

She reads lots of books, barely sleeping from the amount,
so she gets more and more tired,
eventually she realises she has to read in the day,
but daytime is for learning, writing and eating
but she obliges,
for a few days,
but then goes back to reading through the night,
it's not like she has nightmares,
or observes much wrong in her life apart from her eczema,
why isn't she sleeping?

She has no idea why she reads late into the night,
observing the 12 o'clock mark,
sometimes the 1,
or even the 2,
but all are late for her usual 9-10 o'clock,
but  she  just  won't  sleep  properly

She’s ran out of books,
She doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing,
No ebooks either,
(she only buys them if they’re free,
what’s the point of buying an ebook if you can get a paperback?),
it could be good,
now she might sleep,
but now she will...

Education

She's behind on schoolwork and there's no escaping it
shell have to work through the summer to catch up let alone get ahead
Stupid lockdown
stupid teachers
Why couldn't they have chased her up on her work
or at least asked what was going on
why didn't they care?

It's not like shell be doing anything anyway
there's too much coronavirus for the road trip they planned
for the last summer with the caravan
never mind at least she's not sick

Broken


She broke the bow
Just dropped it
My best friend gone in an instant
She was trying to swing it round and switch to pizzicato
But it dropped
To the cold hard ground
In front of all the guides
The cold hard church ground
 
Of course now there’s a new bow
Ordered from amazon
Smug as can be
All because it was delivered
I guess we’ll have to make friends though
Now we’re stuck in this case together
Day and night
Night and day
Waiting for her to practise
Until one day she got a new violin
And I was replaced

Playwriting Competition 2020

Rhodas story

Scene 1
(A single spotlight reveals Rhoda wearing skinny jeans and a NYC t-shirt)
Rhoda:(semi-confidently) Eunice?
(She looks across the audience with a slightly scared look on her face)
Rhoda: Eunice?(pause) You'll never believe what my parents are making me do!
Eunice: (with a puzzled look on her face) You were looking for me?
Rhoda: My parents are making me go to Paraguay!
Eunice: But we had our summer all planned out!
Rhoda: I know!
(the two girls stare at each other for a moment)
Eunice:(downheartedly) I guess we'll have to do next summer

Scene 2
Delilah(mum): Honey you need to start packing for Paraguay
Rhoda:(rolling her eyes) Mum! Do I have to go? 
David(dad): Yes! you need to start being part of the church!
Rhoda:(sighing) What will I need?
David:(with an excited look on his face)  I'll print off the list

Scene 3
(At the airport)
(Rhoda and her family walk on)
Solomon: Rhoda! I'm so glad you decided...

Homeschooling

She wants to go to oxford when she's older,
and vowed she would get ahead during lockdown,
but when schools close,
she mucks about,
she finds studying harder,
whithout a teacher,
she doesn’t mind writing thou

Dancing

Life is hard for her,
mainly at school,
but also at home,
all of the pressure,
adults all seem to have forgotten,
how hard it is,
to be a teenager

dancing helps,
she isn’t sure why,
but guesses it helps to let go,
sometimes  she can’t dance,
the steps won’t come,
and she tries for whoever may be watching,

its harder to dance during lockdown,
she has to clear space on the lounge floor,
for her and her sister,
who dances with her

Reading late

She reads lots of books, barely sleeping from the amount,
so she gets more and more tired,
eventually she realises she has to read in the day,
but daytime is for learning, writing and eating
but she obliges,
for a few days,
but then goes back to reading through the night,
it's not like she has nightmares,
or observes much wrong in her life apart from her eczema,
why isn't she sleeping?

She has no idea why she reads late into the night,
observing the 12 o'clock mark,
sometimes the 1,
or even the 2,
but all are late for her usual 9-10 o'clock,
but  she  just  won't  sleep  properly

She’s ran out of books,
She doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing,
No ebooks either,
(she only buys them if they’re free,
what’s the point of buying an ebook if you can get a paperback?),
it could be good,
now she might sleep,
but now she will...

Reading late

She reads lots of books, barely sleeping from the amount,
so she gets more and more tired,
eventually she realises she has to read in the day,
but daytime is for learning, writing and eating
but she obliges,
for a few days,
but then goes back to reading through the night,
it's not like she has nightmares,
or observes much wrong in her life apart from her eczema,
why isn't she sleeping?

She has no idea why she reads late into the night,
observing the 12 o'clock mark,
sometimes the 1,
or even the 2,
but all are late for her usual 9-10 o'clock,
but  she  just  won't  sleep  properly
 

Playwriting Competition 2020

Rhodas story

Scene 1
(A single spotlight reveals Rhoda wearing skinny jeans and a NYC t-shirt)
Rhoda:(semi-confidently) Eunice?
(She looks across the audience with a slightly scared look on her face)
Rhoda: Eunice?(pause) You'll never believe what my parents are making me do!
Eunice: (with a puzzled look on her face) You were looking for me?
Rhoda: My parents are making me go to Paraguay!
Eunice: But we had our summer all planned out!
Rhoda: I know!
(the two girls stare at each other for a moment)
Eunice:(downheartedly) I guess we'll have to do next summer

Scene 2
Delilah(mum): Honey you need to start packing for Paraguay
Rhoda:(rolling her eyes) Mum! Do I have to go? 
David(dad): Yes! you need to start being part of the church!
Rhoda:(sighing) What will I need?
David:(with an excited look on his face)  I'll print off the list

Scene 3
(At the airport)
(Rhoda and her family walk on)
Solomon: Rhoda! I'm so glad you decided...