ghostyboi

United States

the river collective
he/him
pfp made on picrew
trans
i've given up on labeling my romantic orientation
asexual
joined september 2019

Message from Writer

"It's alright, it's okay. You're not a monster just human and you made a few mistakes,"
-It's Alright by Mother Mother

"One page of the bible isn't worth a life,"
-The Village by Wrabel

"A hundred bad days makes a hundred good stories and a hundred good stories makes me interesting at parties,"
-100 Bad Days by AJR

"I thought you had me in prison this whole time, but I'm the one holding the key."
-Intro III by NF

"But there's a moment when you realize parents aren't superheroes or villains. They're painfully, unforgivably human. The question is can you forgive them for being human anyway?"
-Dry by Neal Shusterman

"If I wait 'til my tomorrow comes is the waiting all I've ever done?"
-Ben Platt

Published Work

Science Fiction Competition 2021

The Time Jump Project (r4r) (cut version)

     
    As usual, Levi was in no hurry to leave the house to go to school. His sister and acting guardian had tried everything to get him to go, but he refused. It wasn’t that he was lazy like many adults assumed. He was just tired of tramping through the smog with a mask on, filling his lungs with synthetic oxygen. It wasn’t like school was important anyways; chances were, he wouldn’t even make it to his twenties.
    Grace had had enough of Levi’s antics. “Levi Matthew Boyde, you better be out that door in five minutes,” she yelled from the kitchen as soon as she heard Levi’s alarm go off.
    Levi groaned. “I’m not going today.”
    Her footsteps got closer until Levi’s door was flung open. A rush of cool air hit him as Grace approached from the living room.
    “Lev, you have to go,” She pleaded with him.
    Lev sat up...

the river collective


i don't know who "me" is anymore
i used to be scared of that
but now i'm just
used to it

am i just the accumulation of
a dozen different opinions?
am i the one who was there first?
or am i simply a theory lost in reality?

i've lost all sense of self
but still i say "i"
because when i speak it's a performance
i am just a performance

and strangely enough
we're okay with that

My (hopefully) last coming out (Pride month special part three!)


    I didn't plan on telling them anything. Two times I had learned that telling them anything was a bad plan. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. If I was going to change my name at school I figured they would need to know, and soon. School started in less than a week, and I'd be damned if I had to spend another year as my deadname.
    "I'm going by River at school." I said. That was it. Family dinner interrupted by that simple sentence. I didn't want it to be a huge deal, and I didn't want them to ask about it. Just a statement that wasn't debateable.
    Of course, they debated it. Why didn't I like the name they gave me? My birth name is gender neutral, right? They couldn't believe I would throw away the gift they gave me.
    The questions rolled in. The tears flowed,...

is bo burnham ok? cause i'm not


well well
look who's inside again
went out to look for a reason to
hide again


he's right
i hide in the room i call my head
when i can't stand life any more
i retreat to my fantasies
that are built on self loathing

he's right
i've developed a fear
of existing too close to anyone else
because i always have to hide again
so might as well not even try

this lockdown has started
before the pandemic even began
because i daydream to escape from reality
i dissociate to break free from this life
i run back and hide
like i always have done
 

Coming out as trans (Pride month special part two)


    It doesn't get easier. At least, the second time around was no easier than the first. Coming out for a second time was supposed to be no big deal, but the weight of it was slowly crushing me.
    It was almost midnight. I typed away at my computer, writing a story about something I can't remember. I wasn't pay attention to the writing, I was paying attention to who I was writing it with. My friend Vi's icon was in the top corner of the google doc. I stared at it and at the keyboard, trying to work up the courage to tell them what was on my mind, but my hands wouldn't move. I took a ragged breath. It was now or never.
    My fingers started to drift over the keys. I didn't know who I was yet, or what my name would be, but once again, hiding it from everyone was slowly...

My first coming out (Pride month special part 1)


    Dear mom... My pencil hovered over the paper. I sucked in a breath and held it for a moment too long. Was this really happening? Was I really going to do this?
    Dear mom, I'm... I clenched my left hand into a fist and my right one dropped my pencil. I didn't have to write this. Not yet. But no, I had to do something. I was sick of waiting for my tomorrow to come. The words from Ben Platt rang through my head over and over again: If I wait 'til my tomorrow comes, is the waiting all I've ever done?
    Dear mom, I'm bisexual. Finally. I did it. The hard part was over, and the words came flooding out of me faster than ever. I wrote about how I know she won't accept me but I hope she does anyone. How I want to be myself and I won't hide it anymore. My...

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!


i'm trans and i'm proud
i was assigned female at birth
but i've always been a boy
and now i can finally express it

i'm asexual and i'm proud
i never felt the attraction other people feel
i've always had to hide it by picking a crush
but now i can finally be who i am

i'm queer and i'm proud
i won't let that word become demeaning
because i am special and perfect how i am
and now i am proud to be me

the kid i picture


i hate you for what you did
but i miss you like a little kid


the kid i picture sobs silently every night
i know he's just trying to stay alive
but no one hears his cries
as the bitter tears are swallowed in the night

the kid i picture is afraid to speak up
about the fact that he hates every second
because his name and body and everything about him
makes him sick to the stomach

the kid i picture when i think of myself
is in so much pain
i want to go back in time
and give him a hug

i'd tell him that it gets better
but it has to get worse before it can get better
so hang in there
because even though i hate it
i still miss him

back then i was someone
someone who could feel pain in all it's awful glory
now i am no one and everyone at once ...

Four is enough


Four.
Four people that I loved
systematically torn away
one by one
until I have nothing left.

One of them
was all I had
all I needed
but she was robbed from me
by the shit show that is 2020

One of them
made me a victim
he tore my shame away from me
and then took my sanity with him

One of them
was someone I loved
with my entire being
but she was wrenched away
by hatred and fear

One of them
was my own family
she didn't die
but our bond died the day
that she wouldn't accept me as her son

Four people.
Enough to make me hate the thought of love
enough to never let me love again
because four is enough
to steal away anyone's trust
 

one in the same


sometimes i want to hate em
like i hate the others
but i can't
because i know e's right
that doesn't mean i'm not afraid

i'm so afraid
afraid of what will become of me
after i inevitably give in
to the rage that e has
it's my rage too after all

i hate the way e comforts me
and i hate that i am comforted
by images of pain
inflicted upon others

we couldn't be more different
but we are the same
and that scares me
i don't want to be violent like em
but we are one in the same
 

the duality of loneliness


i hate this
sitting in a full classroom
every around me talking
but i sit alone
no one else there

i love this
never worrying about others
everyone else fears being judged
but all i have to fear
is myself

i hate it
the teacher assigns a kid just to talk to me
i'm just another community service

i love it
no one knowing me enough
to hate me as much as i hate myself
 

who am i?


it's so hard to just be myself
when i don't even know
who that is anymore

am i the quiet boy
who avoids conflict and is shy
and will drown out my surroundings
in a book

am i the brazen man
who dares everyone to look him in the eye
and doesn't need to
be liked

or am i the lonely one
who needs validation just to get by
and wants people to love me
for who i am

i think i'm all of them
someone living life as a lie
a series of fantasies who isn't
really real

Neopronouns - An educational piece


What are neopronouns?
    Neopronouns are any set of pronouns that aren't "conventional" like he/him, she/her, or they/them. There's a few different types of neos as well. There's the gender neutral spins of conventional pronouns like ze/zie/zir or xey/xem/xir. Then, there's nounself pronouns. These simply take a noun and convert it into pronouns form. For example, bun/buns/bunself or void/voids/voidself. Of course, these examples aren't the only neopronouns out there. Anything can be a pronoun, as long as the person is comfortable with it.

Why use neopronouns?
    Neos are primarily used by neurodivergent people, since they typically view gender outside the binary. However, this doesn't mean a neurotypical person cannot use neos. They're supposed to be for everyone to make anyone feel more comfortable in their identity.
    Neopronouns are supposed to be a tool to express yourself. Using them can mean a lot of different things depending on the person. They can express a disconnect from...

anger (small update)


i have so much anger inside me
i want to hurt everyone i love
just to feel the pain of losing them
before they leave me on their own

i want to make him pay for harassing me
because i always felt like it was my fault
and i can't bear the thought of me
being the victim

i want to scream and cry
and punch something
just to feel in control
because i can't control anything else

i want someone to insult me
so i have an excuse to throw a punch
because i'm too cowardly
to do anything else

memories of a child full of innocence and regret


i remember picking dandelions in the spring
and putting them into a bowl
making dandelion stew
we smiled together
i want to smile like that again

i remember looking up at the moon
from a hill made of snow and ice
the cold air stung my throat
and snowflakes drifted softly onto my nose
i want to feel alive like that again

i remember making a fort in the woods
piecing a shelter from bits of nature
my two best friends beside me
we pretended we were kings
i want to feel powerful like that again

all those memories
come with a bitter twist
every time i recall them
because although they were full of joy
they were of a little girl
not the little boy i should have been

all those memories
i wish i could replace her
with a little boy smiling
and playing and laughing
instead of the little girl
i hate so much
 

Dry - Neal Shusterman | Book review


    I read the book Dry by Neal Shusterman (2018). I really liked it because not only is it a great story, it really makes you think about human nature. It provides some good insight about the human condition, and makes the reader question what really would happen in an apocalyptic setting.
    In this book, the main characters, Alyssa, her brother Garrett, Kelton, Henry, and Jaqui, are caught up in a state-wide water shortage in suburban California. Alyssa and Garrett’s parents were lost in a mad dash to get water, and Kelton’s parents left him their car and safehouse after accidentally killing their other son. Jaqui is a mysterious wild card, with supposedly no family. These teens have to navigate not only natural barriers like forests, clogged highways, and wildfires, but also dehydrated “water-zombies” who would do anything to get a drop of water, and child predators eager to prey on a group of teens travelling alone.
    The theme of this...

homesick for a place i've never been


i want to run home
my wings free on my shoulders
lifting me into the air
as a creature not of night
but of a summer morning

i want to feel the breeze on me
as i bound through wildflowers
children laughing alongside me
never fearing me
because i am one of them

i want to rest in the evening
under the old maple tree
where i learned how to climb
i want to have my worries disappear
under the fragile blanket
that is youth
 

almost summer


it's almost summer
away with oversized hoodies
and baggy sweatpants
that i can drown in

it's almost time for bathing suits
shorts that show every curve
tank tops that do nothing
to hide my chest

this summer will be different
i won't be a slave to my dysphoria
i'll look it in the eye
and tell it that

i can be a pretty boy
with pretty curves
with a round face
and wide hips

why stop hiding myself
when i can be a pretty boy
because i know who i am
and no one else needs to care
 

I'm a protector not a menace


When will people get it?
I'm not a menace
I'm not a demon
I'm not anxiety
or even depression.

I'm someone who wants to help
by telling you the hard truth.
I'm someone who needs you
to be safe.

I've had people leave me
and I've been a victim
of manipulation.
I won't let you be the same.

egg

5th grade
she/her
straight

6th grade
she/her
everyone has crushes on boys so i guess so do i

7th grade
she/her
um i don't have crushes except maybe on my best friend? nope. no. i'm straight.

8th grade
she/they
uhhhhhh i don't rlly like people like that

8th grade pandemic edition
they/them perhaps genderfluid
idk. asexual? i like girls tho. boys are okay too.

summer after 8th grade
raging he/they
asexual. panromantic?

9th grade
he/him
definitely asexual. maybe gray-romantic? or demiromantic.
 

strong, strong, strong


some days when i look at myself
i see a person who isn't me
a person who wasn't meant to be
a person who as hard as he might try
will never be quite right

i see a little bit of belly
you're eating too much
you have too much sugar
sugar addict
disgusting


i see hips that curve in all the wrong ways
proof that you're a girl
feminine
disgusting


i see a chest that's too big for my liking
you'll never be a real man
fake
disgusting


i see a boy who's trying his best
and battling invisible illness
and trying to hold it together
fighting against the current
strong
determined
we will never give up

 

rules


rules
there's so many of them
they make me want to scream

i know that parenting needs rules
but not so many
that i'm afraid to do anything

i know that the rules make sense
but i didn't need sense
i needed some freedom

i didn't have any privacy online
i couldn't miss one family dinner
you watched over my shoulder constantly
i wasn't allowed to have an ounce of privacy
i couldn't fail either
i couldn't miss one assignment
or score low on one test
you said that it would help me not to forget
but it only made me feel like a failure when i did forget

i desperately want to blame you
but i know it isn't fair
but i desperately want to blame you
for making me into me
 

the light


he walked towards the light. he smiled, it would all be over soon. as he reaches the light he pauses before going in. he's sure no one would mind if he just stepped through. but he waits. just to be sure.

    Greyson is coming home from school. It won't be long now before he gets the call. Of course, the Ghost knows this. Even if he didn't pass through the light, he still knows what will come because he's always known. At least, he thought he knew. As expected, Grey answers the call from an unrecognized number. The Ghost shakes his ethereal head; he had told Grey a million times not to answer spam calls. This is not a spam call.
    "Hello?" Grey says into the speaker.
    "Greyson? This is the county sheriff's department," says the tinny voice from the phone. Grey has to strain to understand it.
    Grey is clearly distraught. "W-what's wrong?"
   ...

dad


dad
i'm afraid of failure
because every little mistake i made
was penalized by you
even just forgetting something
or trying my best and still failing
was followed by a sharp word of
"you can do better"

i grew scared of you
scared of making you angry
because i could set you off with the smallest thing
i grew up thinking i needed to be perfect
because you needed perfection
even though i was a kid

when i was proud of something
you waved it off with a terse
"good"
and when i wasn't proud
you lectured me about it
no wonder i have issues with my self esteem

even now i'm afraid to tell you things
because you come off as angry
even if you aren't
sometimes i just need support
not a lecture on how i could fix myself

you ask me why i never come to you
do you not remember that time
when i was scared...

the image in the mirror


the image in the mirror isn't me
it says
girl
her

when all i want is
boy
him


the image in the mirror disgusts me
how could i look like that
when i feel anything but feminine

every flaw is outlined when i get dressed
every inch of me i loathe
every time i look in the mirror i want to scream
i am not her
i am him

 

i'm not insane and i'm not afraid


a year
a year thinking i was going insane
a year denying the things that made me
a year alone
but i was never alone
i had them
connor
nathan
cyber
james
ghost
rex

at first i thought they made me crazy
saying they were voices in my head
made me feel like i was insane

then i thought they would destroy me
i was afraid of them
and i tried to deny their existence

then i accepted them
but refused to speak about them
in fear of what others would think

now i embrace them
they're my guides
they're the team i don't have
they're the friends when i'm lonely
they aren't demons
they're the voices in my head
and i will say their names with pride
because i am not afraid anymore

im lonely


i'm lonely
but i'm scared of holding on
to the people around me

i'm so lonely
but i'm too afraid of hurting others
to get to know them

i can't take this
but i have to
so i'll just be here
lonely
and empty
but alive
because isn't that all that matters?

she's safe


one notification
one person
joy
actual joy
for once

 

just a kid


"what you went through made you stronger"

i don't want to be stronger
i didn't ask to be stronger
i was a fucking kid
i shouldn't have needed to be stronger
i was just a kid
 

i'm doing it again


oh fuck
i'm doing it again
i'm pushing away anyone who ever loved me
i'm too afraid

i don't want to lay in bed
thinking about what i could've said
to make them stay with me

i don't want to stay awake
hating myself for not saving them
like i do every night

i want to spare myself the pain
by creating less pain now
but somehow i still lay in bed
and dream of all that could have been

oh fuck
i did it again
i gave in to the voice
i liked giving in to it

so why do i feel
hollow
 

i'm sorry i couldn't protect you


i want to write about something
anything
else but all that runs through my head is
i'm sorry

i'm sorry for giving in
to the monster inside me
i'm sorry for not protecting you
from the monsters around you

and now you're gone
lost in the breeze
i don't want to think about what will happen
because it's too painful to bear

i'm sorry for not seeing it sooner
i'm sorry for not letting my heart decide
i'm sorry for everything
even though i know it's not my fault

the game of Life


why did you have to do that
push everyone i care about away from me?
i know you want to help
but can't you see
i'm fucking over being lonely

I hate every second of it,
but where there are friendships there are Risks.
I need you to survive,
so can't you see
I'm fucking over getting hurt


i miss them
i actually cared for once in my life
and you took that from me
because i'm too damn cowardly
to resist you and your sick amazing ways

I miss them too.
The problem is that you Cared too much.
You know in your heart that I'm doing what's best
because you're not the only one who makes sacrifices
in the game of Life.


you always are right
even when i don't want to believe you
i know you aren't the villain
i know you aren't a demon
you're human trying to get by
in the game of Life
 

was none of it true


why is it that when something bad happens
everyone rushes to tell you
how much you matter to them
but after you're better
no one seems to
care

why is it that when i'm not doing okay
people love to tell me
how important i am
but whenever i hide it
i don't seem to
matter

am i still important?
do i still matter?
or was none of it true
all along?

rex


a field of white wildflowers swaying in the summer's breeze.
there he lays, wrapped in a cloak made of ebony feathers. no, not a cloak. wings.
his wings unfurl as he wakes, blocking out the sun in a dazzling display of power. it rises to its feet.
torment
he doesn't speak, for no one would understand him. it goes into the town square. children laugh and run up to him.
hands so many hands
they touch his fur. it shivers at the touch but the hands aren't meant to hurt anymore.
one child notices it shiver and goes up to its wings. it turns its head.
the beast was feared by all but children.
"what is your name, beast?" the child asks.
he tries to speak but cannot speak their language.
rex
rex
rex

it closes its eyes, and sends feelings to the child.
rex
i am rex

the child smiles.
the beast puts a paw on their hand.
friend ...

fantasies


i have so much anger
pent up inside of me
i just want to scream
i want so many things

i want to go into an empty parking lot
and throw my head back as the bitter wind nips at my neck
i want to scream until my lungs hurt
as i fall to my knees, tears streaming down my face
i want them to see me as i punch the pavement until my knuckles are raw
i want them to hold me in a cold drizzle
i want them to give me their sweatshirt that smells slightly of smoke
and they will murmur "it'll be alright"
as i fall into sobs, my face buried in their chest


but i take a breath
and scream inside my head
because that's the only place they can hold me

i let out my breath
and continue on living
in reality
in a world of my making
 

THREE HUNDRED? THANK U :DDDD


a family of my own
ones and zeroes
but my family nonetheless
thank you, my family
thank you for supporting me
through all the highs
and all the lows
the times i'm overwhelmed
and when i feel hopeless
i can always come back to my family
my family of ones and zeroes
 

them


one of them talks to me
whenever i'm lonely
one of them give me advice
on how to be more confident

one of them tells me
never to trust people
one of them wants me
to embrace my inner child

one of them i've only heard once
when i was in crisis
one of them can't talk
but needs me to be vulnerable

one of them is a scholar
one of them is a child
one of them is ghost
one of them isn't even human

sometimes they makes me overwhelmed
or confident
or quiet
but all the time they make me
who i am

the tragedy of stories that cannot be told


for the sickly sweet stories i lament
the tragedies of modern era
that will never see the light of day
i mourn their loss though they are with me always

their names will never be remembered
except in my mind which is not immortalized
like the immortal stories they deserve
i am but a vessel that hides the truth

i cannot speak of them
but i will remember
until my last goodbye
perhaps then i will honor their names

yes i will honor their names
until then my sorrow will be poured
for the names that never have faces
for the voices that cannot be heard

i need to


sometimes i ask myself
if the world i live in
in my mind
is just a lie

maybe i've lied so fluently
that i've convinced even myself
maybe i want attention
or maybe i just need to be special

so some things i forbid myself
from ever speaking about
some things i need to hide in my head
because they were never real
right?

sometimes i want to talk about them
so desperately
but if someone else knows
i've succeeded in getting the attention i seek

it's a vicious cycle of deception
but i need to
i NEED to
right?

i need to keep silent
i need to be normal
even if it makes me hate myself
right?
 

get out of my head


be confident
stay quiet
it doesn't matter what anyone else says
don't give them another reason to make fun of you
calm down, it'll all work out
be on your guard in case it doesn't

get out of my head
get out of my head
you're overwhelming me
just get out of my head

the new kid again


it's like being the new kid again
the years i spent trying to make my own life
erased with the change of a name and hair

now no one recognizes me in the hall
no one tries to start a conversation
no one sits next to me on purpose
it's like i'm the new kid in a school i've been at for years

it doesn't bother me that people don't know me
i like a fresh start
but when a friend of two years looks at me
and doesn't remember who i am
it stings a bit

it's like i'm the new kid again
a stranger in a school full of familiar faces
 

empathy and loving myself


empathy
sometimes i hate it
sometimes i love it

i don't just have empathy
i have so much empathy that it hurts
i feel other people's emotions so intensely
that i may as well be them

i understand people
and i love that about myself
i know just how to reassure someone
because its as if i'm reassuring myself
and i love that

i hate conflict
because i can feel every ounce of anger
and the despair that rips people apart
and the shame and guilt

but i also know how to diffuse every argument
how to give just the right amount of advice
how to nurture and care for those i love
how to ease someone's pain
because that pain is mine now too

sometimes it's easier to remove everyone form my life
so i don't get exhausted from empathy
but i want to learn to manage it
i want to live with it
because i love that about...

i can't forgive myself


someone once told me
"you need to forgive yourself for existing"

how am i supposed to forgive myself
when i am reminded every day
that i was never my parents' first choice

how am i supposed to forgive myself
when i've never heard anyone else
actually forgive me

i'm not strong enough to forgive
everyone who hurt me
so i can't forgive myself

 

call me a ghost

call me a ghost
i'm happy being alone
but can't stand it
so i live as a ghost
listening, watching, loving
but never knowing

i hate empathy
i feel other's emotions
as if they were my own
and they hollow me
until i become those who i'm with
not truly myself
so might as well call me a ghost

i'm happy enough
but at what cost
just a ghost
living a life with everyone
and yet no one at all

Transphobia and Misogyny: The Relationship


    Society is quick to make assumptions about trans people. Flatly transphobic people will say that all transgender people are abominations. But those people aren't who I want to focus on. No, I want to talk about the people who selectively support transgender people. The people who say they're allies, but internalized misogyny and transphobia prevent them from fully being allies. Not everyone is like this, and I cannot stress enough that this is a select group of people, but that doesn't make it any less damaging to trans individuals.
    I'm sure you've heard of the stereotypical teenage girl, who calls trans boys their "smol bois" and thinks they're "so adorable". They're proud to call themselves allies, and label every trans boy their soft boy. This behavior in itself is damaging enough; trans boys aren't soft boys just because they're trans. However, you may notice that most of these "allies" only support transgender boys, specifically pre-t ones. A lot...

i was ready


i was ready to
spend my life with you
through all the trials and
all the hardships
i wanted you
i want you

i was ready to
fight for you
use my voice to help you
use my experience
to guide you

i was ready to
make you my world
make the world
for you
again and again

i was ready to
fall in love
for the first
and the last time

i was ready
i want you back
i miss you

i'm taking a break


i need a break
from constantly checking my follower count
seeing if the numbers have increased
oh the numbers
the numbers how they control me

i need a break
from simply talking to people
being their friend
oh the people
the people how they exhaust me

i need a break
from obsessing, obsessing, obsessing
over my words
my actions
my personality
my paranoia
oh my paranoia how it controls me

i'm taking a break
so i won't be controlled anymore
and i can be my own person
without numbers or people or obsession
getting in my way
 

isolate


it's so much easier
to be on my own
maybe that's why i stay silent
maybe that's why i ghost every week

i can feel people's pain
my heart is torn apart for them
so i stay alone
to protect my fragile self

it's so much simpler
to say that only i exist
because i don't care about myself
so i don't have to worry

i don't care if i hurt or cry or bleed
so it's so much easier to not care
than to care about everyone
all the time
 

im here too


hey

im alive

no one cares
shut up
go do something useful
no one cares
no one cares


oh
okay

you're enough


"you're enough
you're enough
you're enough
you are enough
"

the chorus lulls me to sleep
the melody steadies my breath
when my monsters whisper in my ear
i whisper out

"you're enough
you're enough
you're enough
i promise you're enough
"

i repeat it to myself
because i want i to be true
i just want to be enough
for you

the voices


i thought i was free
of the thoughts that haunt me
of the voices that hurt me
of the pain that destroys me

the voices are back
no longer whispers in the night
but screams in the cold
i was never free

i don't deserve to love
or to have friends
or to show anyone
how weak i am

the voices make me paranoid
no longer can i tell truth from lies
i hate them
for hurting me
but i love them
for protecting me
 

only a matter of time


it was only a matter of time
why did i think
i could avoid it

as much as she hurt me
i love her
but it was only a matter of time
 

Every Little Moment (Update! New project sneak peak. Please read footnotes!)


Scene I

[Opens with SEQUOIA in an arcade picture booth. Muffled laughter and muted noise of others in the arcade plays in the background. QUOI quickly adjusts their hair.]
MACHINE: [In a tinny, robotic voice] Three… two… one… smile!
[Camera flashes, and makes a clicking sound.]
[QUOI rushes out of the booth, the noise and laughter growing louder as the curtain is pushed away. MAXWELL takes QUOI’s place in the booth, having time to only throw up a peace sign before the machine starts the countdown.]
MACHINE: Three… two… one… smile!
[Camera flashes, and makes a clicking sound.]
[MAX goes out, same as QUOI]
MAX: [softly, amongst giggles] Go, Ally!
[ALLISON goes into the booth, pulling her hair down further over her left eye. She gives a tentative smile.]
MACHINE: Three… two… one… smile!
[Camera flashes and makes a clicking sound.]
[ALLY takes her time sliding out of the photo booth. CARTER rushes her, barely getting...

motivational speakers don't know how addiction works


he told me
"the easiest way to stop an addiction
is to never start one"

ah but it wasn't a choice
sometimes you don't even know you're addicted
until it's too late

"only this one time"
i said to myself
"i can stop at any time"

it was a lie
and by the time i realized
i was too far in to stop

when i did realize i was addicted
i just didn't care
because if addiction is such a bad thing
why did it feel so good?

addiction manipulates you
addiction give you an illusion of control
addiction will destroy you

i think it's getting bad again and idk what to do


if she didn't hate you then
she certainly does now

it's no longer a whisper
it's a shout
like the shouts i've heard
a million times before
during my lowest point

am i reaching a new low?
what happened to justify
him yelling at me
every second
again?

i don't remember
i remember every second
i want to escape
let me take over
i love her
i hate her
because she loves me
because she loves you

the voices whisper and i drown in my thoughts


she hates you
they hate you
you're nothing


is whispered in my ear
until i lay down
and try to forget
that i believe it

today i feel:


lost
like a piece of paper blowing in a breeze
unaware of where my life will go
unable to control my pace

grief
for relationships i know can never be salvaged
for a mother who isn't gone
but is less of a mother and more of an acquaintance
for a house that won't be a home

damaged
by my past
and my actions that made me shatter
by the hand of whatever twisted god
dealt me the losing cards

alone
in a house full of people
who once were called a family
now just people
who care a little too much

i don't deserve it


why do i feel like i don't deserve this

i don't deserve
the friends i've made
i don't deserve
all these followers
and i don't deserve
the love that's poured onto me

sometimes i wish i could say
fuck it
and be free of the responsibility
that comes with having friendships
because i was never deserving of them
anyways

i love them
but i hate myself
and assume they should hate me too

am i broken


sometimes i wonder
am i broken?

am i the shell of a boy
who was ripped from his childhood
leaving nothing but a trace
of his former self

i wanted to love
but love was twisted
into a weapon that left me
in ruins

do i not want to love
or do i just want to avoid
the sting of the blade
called love?

am i broken?
or can i not feel romantic love?

i don't know which is worse

on friendships and parentheses


talking to her through email
(this feels familiar)

we talk about our lives
and our favorite things
(i talked to him about that too)

everything from musicals to trauma
was spoken about that evening
(he never asked me about that)

i had a friend that evening
(he wasn't my friend)

i was happy
(he didn't make me happy)

i am happy
with her
(without him)

Remus Lochlan Vangarde - Character profile


    I don’t claim to be perfect. Hell, I don’t even claim to be good. I’m not the hero of anyone’s story, as hard as I may try. I’m the one in the background, undoing all the hero’s mistakes and cleaning up their messes. I’m the one who scrambles to repair the damage they cause to the world. Some would call me a villain, but that simply wouldn’t be true. I like to think of myself as the janitorial services of the world. At least, that’s what I tell myself to help me sleep at night.
    -Journal of Remus Lochlan Vangarde

Name: Remus Lochlan Vangarde
Age: approximately 1,230 years old
Pronouns: He/him
Sexuality: Aromantic
Description: Stuck eternally at the physical age of 23. He has medium length black hair that goes to just below his ears. Has grey eyes with a hint of blue. Almost always wears a large black cloak that he seems...

big brother


i barely know you anymore
the baby who was practically my sister
the not-so-little-anymore girl
who still calls me momo
even though that's not my name
because you don't know any better

you barely recognize me
because my hair isn't long
and i'm not the big sister
you always saw in me

i know you're just four
so i wouldn't expect you to understand
but i want you to love me
not as momo
but as river

i want to be your big brother

amen


dear heavenly father

what kind of father leaves his children to the wolves?
what kind of father would have a divine hand but refuse to use it?
what kind of father would inflict suffering and call it our fault?
why would our father wait for us in the heavens and not care for us in our world?
why must we address this father as if he loves us?

give us strength to keep going

no, strength must be fought for with blood, sweat and tears.
strength is not a gift it is a reward.
strength is what we give ourselves when we decide to keep fighting.

and thank you for your mercy

did the armenians praise your mercy when they were silently wiped out?
did the jews who were tortured and beaten and killed thank you for your mercy?
are the children who are trafficked every day by evil men shown your mercy?
why do some get mercy but not...

years ago i am still the same


my brother makes little battleships out of blocks, and our stuffed animals are the captains.

now my brother pilots digital battleships, with his pixelated avatar at the helm.

i draw comics that depict superheroes and magic.

now i animate, characters brought to life with their powers.

i make a friend out of snow, chiseling a dog shaped blob from a snowball.

now i sculpt creatures from clay, making friends out of a little clay brick.

i guess back then

isn't so different from now

you always listen until you don't like what i'm saying


it's always "you can tell us anything"
or "we need to have conversations"
until i say something
that you don't want to hear

then i ask to have a conversation
and it's suddenly
"not up for discussion"
or you cry and say "what about me?"

when i just want to understand you
you think i'm being rude
and when i try to defend myself
you get angry

now i realize again
why i hide from you
because you'll listen to me
until you don't want to hear it

whispering confessions because the cold won't tell


snowflakes fall lightly on my nose
my hands are cold
but i don't care
the cold is a friend
who reminds me i'm alive

children's laughter rings across the park
i put my head down
and walk by
wishing it could be me
who was laughing

so many feelings mixed in my head
i want to make sense of them
but none of them make sense
so i whisper confessions
that only the snow can hear

stranger


in the mirror
i see a stranger
i don't know
who i am
anymore

i hate you, mason


i can't stop thinking about you
and it's destroying me
because i hate you

my first kiss stolen
by someone who never even asked
you took my heart
and made me build a wall around it

my first relationship
manipulated out of me
even when i said no
it wasn't the answer you wanted

firsts washed away
that i can never get back
firsts stolen from me
that i wish i could erase

anxiety whenever i hear your name
i'm afraid of being loved
because they might end up like you

i can't stop thinking about you
because i hate you

sugar water


sugar water drips down my hands/i wish you could be here with me again/but our friendship is no more/because i was afraid/of the sweetness of hurt/the sugar water pours down my face/tears tasting of memories/they aren't bitter but i sure am/i wish you could be here/but the sickly sweet taste of sugar water/is mine alone to taste/you moved on to other places/ but i still sit here with the sugar we used to feast on/turning liquid in my hands

i'm hiding from reality because it's the only thing i know how to do


my head is pounding
i'm ready to explode
but i wait
until i'm alone
for all the tears
to come crashing out

i know that i don't
need to hide anymore
but i don't know how
to be vulnerable
anymore

i go to bed early
with a head full of hate
and i sit here and think
of excuses to be sad
so the real reason can't find me

it's hard to not hide
when i hide from myself
it's hard to be honest
when i lie to myself
so i sit here and think
in the dark
alone

dance in the dark


i feel the heat of the music
the rhythm pulls at me
begging me to move
urging me to push away my fears
and just move

i feel the beat of the drums
each note that's played
it makes me want to
escape from this world
and live in the music

as the song calls to me
i dance in the dark
the beat silences the voices
the warm melody pulls me away
from everything i regret

a drop of my youth
seeps through me
as i dance in the dark
and let myself
be free

i am overcome by grief but for whom?


perhaps i grieve my youth
something i lost
a long time ago
when i had to survive
alone
in a grown up world

perhaps i grieve my innocence
something i lost
when i found out
how much of a
wreck
this country is

perhaps i grieve my sanity
which i would give anything
to have back
but i lost it to
depression
and i cannot get it back

p a r a l y z e d


lately i've been
    p a r a l y z e d
unable to        do
                         think
                              feel

lately i've been
    d r o w n i n g
inside my     head
                        thoughts
                                  self

just when i think
i'm getting better
i get
        s    t    u    c    k
in this
    c
 y    e
  c  l

i hate my
    uoᴉʇɔǝlɟǝɹ
because it shows me
the person i most
    h a t e

i want to talk to you
but i stop
because im
    p a r a l y z e d
and i don't know how to

 _________________
|          get             |
|          out             |
|________________|

January Grab Bag

if only the walls could speak we would be one in the same


my walls are white
with a hint of grey
bland and boring
like every day that passes

i studied those walls
when there was nowhere else to go
i discovered little cracks
in a lightning pattern on the roof

then i realized
the walls were just like me
because the cracks that formed
made the wall a bit more free

when you pulled me out of the water i couldn't say thank you because i needed to breathe but my heartbeat said it all


    the whole time we watched avatar, i could feel the heat of your body next to me. it was the most comforting thing i had felt in... how long? sure, my dad would hold my hair back when i was sick, and my mom would hold me in her arms when i got hurt. my brother oliver wasn't much for touching but he made up for it in his deep conversations. but it was never like this. they all were obliged to look out for me, it was their job. but you... you chose to be there for me. you were there for me when i became a monster and you knew you could get bitten, but you chose to stay. you had every right to turn away from me, but you didn't. that was a comfort i had never experienced before.
    you were right. i was dreading heading back to my house because i knew the comfort would not...

childhood bullies part vi


shelly.
i didn't remember you for a while
because i blocked it out.
in sixth grade, you transferred into my class from australia.
you were seated next to me in science class.
at first you seemed okay.
but then you started
to poke fun at me.
small things, like laughing at my little doodles.
then it turned into larger things.
you'd copy off my papers,
get me in trouble,
whisper little comments
that were like a stab to the heart.
you told me i would go to hell
because i was such a loser.
i was too afraid to tell anyone
so you got away with it.
i blocked you out of my memory for a reason.
you simply made me feel awful about myself,
you started my self esteem issues,
and you stole that sixth grade year
away from me.
i don't forgive you
because whatever you did
to make me forget an entire year
must have been too...

panicpanicpanic


i have to move
but i'm stuck
stuck here
in this body
stuck
i need to be free
my energy is too much to bear
let it out let it out
let me out

stuck here
chewing on my self hatred
i exist only to
be stuck
get away get away
stay away

loathing in the shape
of a whisper
you call to me
"be still"
be quiet be quiet
i stop

call me a pessimist


call me a pessimist
but 2021
isn't magically going to become better

when the clock hits 12:00
the virus won't go away
and the uncertainty
will follow us
into the new year

call me a pessimist
but my expectations
are low for the next year

if the bar is at rock bottom
there's nowhere to go
but up

maybe i'm too scared to have hope
because hope has betrayed me before
but i can't seem to think
2021 will be any better

sometimes a fight is better (FOOTNOTES!)


sometimes when you lose your friends
a fight is better
than the just fading away
(forgetting)

when your parents ask at dinner
"whatever happened to them"
you can explain
and they'll understand
(closure)

but when they just fade
your parents will ask
and you just say "idk"
because you're still friends right?
(wrong)

a fight makes it clear when a friendship is over
but weeks after they fade
you still think of them as a friend
but they won't answer your texts
not because you're a bad friend
but because they moved on
(growing up)

and you remember them fondly
five years later
but you don't contact them
because you've changed
they've changed
so you just forget about them again
(silence)

out of context teacher quotes


"If you did it wrong, the website marks you wrong, because you're wrong."
-Geometry teacher

"What's up home skillets! Is that what the kids say nowadays?"
-History teacher

"I ran over my dog. I swear this is on topic!"
-History teacher

"Hey guys, I'm wearing a onesie today, look!"
-Spanish teacher

"I only eat pizza because it's really good. Okay, back to capitalism..."
-History teacher

"kfjewkljfdkfjjl3kgh3k4h4jdnvmwbfh"
-English teacher (in chat)

"What country is it? It starts with G and rhymes with ermany. Yes! Germany!"
-History teacher

aaaaaaa


i just wish i was alone
so i couldn't hurt anyone else
so i would only have to worry
about myself

but that's selfish
and i need people
i can't be alone
no matter how much i want to

loneliness
it's a double edged sword
and if you're not careful
it can cut you down
no matter how you swing it

leave me alone
keep me company
i want both
yet none at all
what are boundaries anyways?
 

Mid-December Grab Bag

Time is a bomb that I'm ready to blow up


Write a poem using only questions. (by TianEn)

Will the future wait for me if I fall a bit behind?
Will the present stay a little longer when there's nothing left to find?
Will the past please just disappear so I don't lose my mind?
Would they be so kind?

things that just make sense


math is blue.
english is a reddish orange.
the number 3 is ultimately the best number.
the number 5 is an even number.
3 and 4 are either really unsatisfying together or really satisfying and there is no in between.
division is just bigger subtraction, and multiplication is just bigger addition.
the number 3 is green.
the letter a is even and the letter o is odd.
7 is the worst number and 6 is the second worst.

i think i forgot how to feel


i think i forgot
how to feel.

my mom said something
the should make me sad
but i think i forgot
how to feel.

my cousin said something
that should make me mad
but i think i forgot
how to take off my mask.

i think i forgot
that it's okay to not smile
and i'm allowed to show others
the things that i feel.

i just stay calm
and pretend i don't care
because i don't know
how not to.

i definitely forgot
how to feel.

there's something wrong in the village


"one page of the bible isn't worth a life"

how can these people
call themselves christians
when their entire belief
is centered around hate?

why do these people
take one little phrase
that's been translated over and over
and use it to hurt others?

is some ink on a paper
worth more to you
than a human life?

is writing from a book
that hasn't even been proven
enough to make you
hate people so violently?


 

virtual snow day


just when i thought 2020 couldn't get any worse
google
shuts
down

happy pills


apparently
there's something wrong
with the chemicals in my brain

apparently
that's why i'm feeling
so fucking sad every day

the doctor gave me happy pills
said it would take away the pain
the doctor gave me sleeping pills
said it would silence my racing thoughts

i just hope this is the solution
and the happy pills will work
so i can just sit down
without an existential dread

Pandemic Memoir

six words is not enough but i'll make do


Finding myself through the hopelessness.

my childhood bullies part v


arthur.
you were the first transphobe i ever met. not to me, but my little closeted self was just as attacked as the person you were picking on.
you seemed nice enough when you transferred to my school. you joked around a lot, and would make fun of me, but not maliciously. until we worked on a group project in a group with a trans guy.
his dead name was still on his google account, and you said - no you shouted - "who's [deadname]?! Who's she?"
i seethed as i watched him shrink in his seat, not daring to look you in the eye. i told you his name was leo, but you kept repeating his deadname over and over, ignoring the glares from our group members and my quiet attempts to shut you up.
finally, i snapped. i raised my voice at you, something i had never imagined i could do at school because i...

my childhood bullies part iv


ava.
you were part of the pretty, popular crowd. you did cheer and never forgot to mention how rich your parents were. i wasn't part of that crowd, but there you were in my spanish class, sitting next to me because the seat next to your friend was taken.
it started when we did a simple worksheet. you noticed i was finished and sneakily copied my answers onto yours. it wasn't sneaky, i just didn't have enough confidence to stop you.
it only spiralled from there. you added me to your friend group as the smart one and every day you asked for my answers. i would give them to you because you seemed so nice and i just wanted to help.
i realized you were only friends with me so you could cheat off of me when i had finished a very difficult short answer assignment, and you asked if i could write different answers for each question so...

my childhood bullies part iii


alyssa.
you were my first ever bully. it was only first grade when we met. unlike most of the others that picked on me, you were never my friend. you made it clear that you hated me from the very beginning.
it didn't get bad until maybe third grade. you were on my bus and every day you would spit insults at me and my brother as we got on. me and my brother were close, and he was my only friend. you made sure to point that out.
i don't even know if you remember this far back. but one day while i was in line for recess, you cut to the front and pushed me out of the line (that was a big deal for third grade me). you were lucky my brother was in a different class.
that got me sent to the principal's office for the first time. i was scared to death of authority figures....

online friends


people online
mean more to me
than anyone else.

maybe it's because they understand
what i'm going through
and who i am.

maybe it's because they don't care
how i look
or how old i am.

of course mom says it's dangerous
but what is dangerous
about having a community
that accepts me?

even if it is all fake
it helps me
so does it really matter
who they are in real life?

i can't be uplifting tonight


i wanted to write something uplifting
but i can't.
i wanted to tell everyone
it'll be alright
because if i say it enough
i might start to believe it too
but i just can't.

it's one of those nights
where i don't think i'm worth
anything.
it's one of those nights
where i can barely find the strength to
keep fighting.
it's one of those nights
where i convince myself that
i don't matter.

so how can i sit here
and tell you that you're strong
and you can get through this
when i can't even believe
what i say?

childhood bullies part ii


note: in this time period i presented as female

mason.
i should have reported you when i had the chance. but i didn't have the guts. just like the others couldn't either.
you had me fooled. you made friends with my friend, and you made friends with me. you ate lunch with me, joked with me, looked out for me. i was a fool to think it was because i was a likeable person. no, you were just there to take advantage of me.
when you asked me to be in a relationship with you, i smiled and said my parents wouldn't allow it. i just wanted to make an excuse. i didn't know my sexuality, my identity back then. i couldn't speak up for myself either.
you said "it'll be our little secret."
so i came up with excuse after excuse.
every time, you manipulated me into saying yes. you would sit next to me in homeroom and put...

what do i want to say to my childhood bully? (inspired by beth r.)


sara.
you weren't really a bully. well, yes, you were, but it wasn't noticeable enough to consider bullying. it was just enough to hurt me.
you called me your friend. in band class you'd trot up to me and say "hi best friend!" in your too-peppy tone. you knew i didn't have many friends. you knew i was quiet. but you would ask and ask about everything, giggling when i answered you in my halting voice. i was unused to talking to people, and you knew it.
as soon as i turned my back you would whisper to your friends about me. you would ask me about my brother, which you knew infuriated me. he doesn't need a stalker like you.
you tried to pull me away from my real friends. you were fake nice to me, but never tried to actually get to know me. i was your prop. your toy. your good deed for the day by talking...

addiction


the first hit is bliss.
as everything fades away around you
you're able to relax
for once in your life.

the next hit is needed.
you crave the pain
but you think
i can stop any time.

then you don't stop.
each hit is better than the next
and you still think you can stop
but you don't want to.

soon you can't stop.
the addiction controls you
until you don't know who you are
without it.

paranoid


are they talking about me?
are their whispers
their giggles
their smirks
pointed in my direction?

is there someone watching?
can someone see me
when i think i'm alone?

do they know?
have my parents figured out
every secret i have
and are they just waiting
to see what i'll do?

no matter how careful i am
someone will see me
someone will hear
everyone knows
what secrets i hold.

i wish i could tell them


there's a million things
i wish i could tell people,
but i don't have strength
to say them.

i wish i could tell
my friend from seventh grade
that i'm so sorry for ghosting.
i just couldn't bear
to ruin another friendship.

i wish i could tell
my online friends
how much they mean to me,
and that they've helped me so much
that i could never repay them.

i wish i could tell
all of you
that this site is where
i felt most free
and was able to express
who i truly am.
and for that i am forever
in your debt.

life is like a box of snakes


life is like a box of chocolates.

life is more like
a box of snakes.
most of them will bite you.
some of them might be venomous
and will bring you to your lowest.
some of them will hiss
to warn you of a danger to come.
some will run away,
afraid of the unknown.
but some will be sweet.
some of the snakes will be friendly
and maybe
among this box of snakes that is life
you can make a friend
to last a lifetime.

blank page


i have a blank page
a million
billions
of possibilities
but i can't find the words
to describe how i feel

i'm not happy
but why?
the day went well
i can't complain
but i'm just
not

i'm not sad
or am i?
am i just to scared
to admit it again?
or am i in the
in between?

 i guess i just feel
lonely.
just me
like my blank page
full of possibilities
but so empty

would you unfollow me if i said-


i gave up on god a long time ago

the moment i realized
that god isn't real
is when i laid in my bed
alone
with all my demons attacking me
the pain unrelenting
i prayed to god to make it stop
i prayed for him to save me

but he never did
i was helpless
i was broken
and no god came down
as i begged for him to help
i was just alone

some may say "god gave you strength"
but no god did that
i gave myself the strength
to fight off my demons
don't you dare take that away from me

"give god another chance"
no
because i gave up on god
a long time ago

a year of battles


has it already been
a year?
i never thought
it would it would go on
for this long.
the first month was
uncomfortable.
the next few were
unbearable.
i ask myself
how
did i get so far
when all the cards
were stacked against me?
it was through
hope
and pain
and fighting.
i fought
to get myself here
i battled every day
and sometimes
i was alone
but sometimes
i had an army
and that's what gives me hope.
it's been a year
but i will not
give up.

falling


i feel like i'm
falling
back into that same place
i was before
when i hit
rock bottom
but i dug my way out
and now i'm
falling
back into the hole
i need a rope
to pull me up again
but who is there
when i'm too afraid
to admit that
i need help
i feel like i'm falling
please don't let me go
please hold on
for just another
moment

i wish i didn't hate you but i do


i wish i didn't hate you, but i do.

footsteps heavy on a saturday night. i laugh in the light of the setting sun with my friends. i love them. they make me happy. when everything is over and i settle into bed you whisper to me everything i wish i could have said. you whisper all the things that i did wrong. the ways that i'll disappoint them in the weeks to come. and i know it's not meant to hurt but that's all it ever does.

so little voice that whispers in the night, i wish i didn't hate you.
but i do.

my handwriting sucks


sometimes i
think
faster than i can write
so my letters connect in a loopy mess
unreadable

sometimes my
p's look like l's look like t's
it's just one line
with possibilities like me
messy

sometimes i
type
and my letters are smoother
but now i rely too much on keyboards
to make my writing
understandable

sometimes i
scribble away my thoughts
no one else knows what they are
but i do
mysterious

i've heard it described as
rustic
but all i know is
it's quick
and messy
like my thoughts
i think it suits me

My best friend River


my best friend river
sometimes
well no
always
is sad
he tries his best
to show me he's not
but i see in his eyes that he is

my best friend river
always tells me he loves me
and i say it back
but i can tell
that with him
he means it
to the core of his soul

my best friend river
never thinks of himself
he always puts his friends first
and sometimes i wish
he would learn
to love
himself
but he pushes it away like he's afraid

my best friend river
has so many demons
that he bottles up
until they
all
come
crashing
out

my best friend river
brings a new meaning to strength
because for him
every day is an
accomplishment
and i think
he deserves
to be happy

The Land of The Stars

    The little boy stared at his mother, his eyes wide with wonder. She said she had to go, but Nathan wanted to know where. She would never tell him, every question dismissed with a smile and a pat on the head. Something was different today. When Nathan crawled into bed with her and asked, she didn’t smile at him. She stared off into the distance for a moment before looking back at him, her warm brown eyes seeming to embrace him.
    “Have you ever heard of the Land of The Stars?” She asked, taking Nathan’s small hand in hers.
    He shook his head, eager for a story. He was five years old now, and he always loved stories from his mother. She told them in a way that made every setting feel magical, every person seem delightful.
    His mother began, scooping a giggling Nathan into her lap. “Long ago, the sky used to be the home to...

headphones on


i got headphones on
like they're stuck to my ears
playing me songs
'til i conquer my fears

always attached to a cord
got nowhere to run
i'm in my own world
the only place i have fun

i get stuck in the music
so i'm not stuck in my mind
i'll get lost in the rhythm
so i can leave the past behind

sonder


He walks in the rain without an umbrella because he let his wife use it. His two kids love him to death, but he still feels inadequate. His shoes, usually polished to a shine, are dusty and lackluster. That's because he can barely get up in the morning, much less shine his shoes. He wishes he followed his dreams of music, but instead is an accountant. Each day is a challenge for him to make the walk to work. But when he goes home to his two-year-old and five-year-old, the bleak day seems worth it.

She walks quickly to her car because she forgot her laptop. When she gets there, she finds to her horror that it's been stolen and her car ransacked. She calls the police, but they can't waste resources on her. Internally, she panics. Her whole life's work as a cancer researcher is on that laptop. She doesn't want to show it, but her life has just...

the inner demon


I ask you:
why
have i done something so wrong
what has made you this way

you answer:
I am You. Why should you tremble before me when you know exactly why I torment you? It's the only way to get you to listen, and I'm Sorry. I've protected you, and the damage dealt is simply the cost of such protection. I know I've hurt you. I know. I am but a servant doing what his master is too afraid to do. And if you hate Me, so be it.

i do hate you
for causing anxiety
depression
loneliness
i hate you

As do I. But a servant cannot abandon his master, as I cannot abandon you. I am all you know.

i never wanted you
you can go
stop doing this

Oh, what a Fool we are. I am You.

then i will control you

So be it.

oh my darling you are loved


oh my darling
i know you wake up
and see yourself in the mirror
and think
why the fuck do i look like that?

i know you go days
only eating one meal
because you think
you're so ugly

i know you go to bed
and cry
because you think
you're not good enough

oh my darling
i know you
i see you
and oh my darling
you're not alone

i wake up
and i think
what would i do without you?

i go days
worrying about you
because you always seem so
sad

i go to bed
and wish
that i could be by your side
to comfort you

oh my darling
you are not alone
you have an army
of people
to love you

remember life before?


remember when life was so
simple?
before the pandemic
before the depression
before the stress of school
when everything was
great.

i remember laughing as we braided friendship bracelets during afternoon recess.
i remember swinging on the tire swing and pretending we were pirates on a ship.
i remember singing silly songs on my pretend stage.
i remember playing with action figures for hours with my brother, making up intricate plots that took up the whole bathroom.
i remember being a kid who didn't know what darkness the world held.

if i could go back in time
i would tell that kid
to keep on being a kid
because i grew up
way too fast.

my golden, shattered heart


i used to hide in the dark
covering my shattered heart
with a mask of
"i'm okay"

i still hide under that shroud
because i can't shake the thought
that my feelings
don't matter

but i've learned that it's okay
to not be okay
and instead of hide it
i can make my shattered heart
beautiful

so i filled it in with liquid gold
and am proud to show it off
because even though it's broken
i made it into a work of art

my heart can never be whole again
but i made it shine again
and every crack that's filled with gold
shows just how long i've survived

for every negative there's a positive


i may be anxious
but i still am a good friend

i may be sad a lot
but i still can enjoy the little things

i may not be confident
but i still help others to see themselves as beautiful

i may have low self worth
but i still love other people

i may have issues
but i'm learning to overcome them

i may have demons
but i don't let them control me

three brain vomits that could be considered ideas (tell me which one i should use)

Story ideas (please help me choose one):

i.
Cira is anything but a normal kid. Raised in the reaches of outer space by unknown entities, she's "rescued" by a space exploration team. It's hypothesized that Cira was born just before another space exploration team crashed on the habitable planet named Eta. Somehow, she survived the crash while the rest of her compatriots were killed. As Cira adapts to life back on Earth, she begins to realize just how strange humans actually are.

ii.
Robin's lived all of his fifteen years without thinking he was special. All of his siblings and family members had magic powers, but Robin couldn't manage to harness his. That is, until his sixteenth birthday, when he finds that his best friend in the entire world, Ashlyn, has gone missing. Employing the help of his brother Max and his sister Kay, he figures out who he was meant to be while saving his childhood friend.

iii. ...

would you still hold me if i said i'm not okay?


mom asks
are you okay?

i'm finally comfortable enough
to give an honest answer
no
i say
but then you ask
so many
questions

why?
is it me?
can i help?


i don't know
i don't know
you can
go
away

but the first question
lingers

why?

i wish i knew why
but i don't
depression is like that

but you want an answer
so you keep
asking

i want to scream
this is why i hid from you
this is why
i have to keep a smile
every
day
because you want
to fix it
to fix
me

and that means you think
that i'm
broken

mom i'm not broken
i'm a mess
i'm trying to be better
i'm stressed
i'm anxious
but i'm not
broken

right?

so when you ask me again
are you okay?

i need to answer
yes
because you don't want
a broken
child
and isn't that
all
i
am?

That Sort of Person

we the broken


we're the people who are broken, who don't see ourselves as beautiful. we're the people who laugh in the daylight and cry in the moonlight. we're the people who build each other up by tearing ourselves down. we're the people who have been knocked down again and again, but still get back up. we're the people who have lived our lives believing that we aren't enough, that we are flawed. we are the people who encourage everyone else. we're the people who are a beacon of light in the pitch-black of night. we're the people who save others. we're the ones who understand.

wait.

we aren't broken. we aren't flawed. we're the only ones who can understand because we are fighters.

we're the ones who don't give up.

why me


why was it me?
why was i chosen
for this?
why do i
have to deal with
depression
anxiety
intrusive thoughts?
why me?
it isn't fair.
this isn't fair.
i didn't ask for this.
i didn't
want this.
so i ask again,
why
me?

We will soar if only for love

    My friend Cal and I had always dreamed of flying. Mingling with the clouds and playing with the birds. We had a joke that I was secretly a bird, and when Sorting Day came, I would be launched into the heavens instead of put onto a pathway. You little hawk, Cal would tease as I marvelled at the raptors soaring above us.
    It was a childish wish, both of us knew. Cal had grown tired of it by the time he was thirteen.
    "Finn, we're almost grown now," he would chide when I pointed at the sparrows forming a fluid cloud in the sky. "It's time to start thinking about Sorting, not silly dreams."
    And so I stopped talking about the birds and the sky. I stopped jumping off the swings and pretending I could fly for that one second I hung in the air. But I never stopped daydreaming about joining the birds. Though I...

shattered glass


oh please forgive me
i gave all my pain to you
you shouldn't forgive me
after all i put you through

i was shattered glass
with a shattered heart
you were there for me
when i broke apart

i had a sharpened edge
but you still stayed with me
i know i hurt you
but i didn't want to see

i never should have relied on you
to get me through the night
because i should have realized
that you have your own fight

so please forgive me
i need to be a better friend
and just know
i'll love you 'til the end

i met some supernovas (footnotes!!)


it's no wonder that supernovas
are made from dying stars
because now i see that compassion
stems from pain

it's no wonder that stars
shine so brightly
and are the most beautiful
at their worst

our dying stars
create understanding and empathy
more than anyone else
could ever imagine

i've met supernovas
and their beauty
was beyond compare

participation


all class long
i keep my mouth shut
because i can't have attention
being drawn to me

when we go into groups
i unmute my mic
but my mouth
refuses to open

i give them some answers
through typing on the doc
but i'm too afraid of being wrong
to be able to speak

they don't understand
that it physically hurts
when i draw attention
by speaking out loud

so my participation grade drops
along with my average
and though grades don't matter
it still feels like failure

i wish i was a kid again


when i was a kid
the stupidest thing
i ever wished for
was to be older

when i was a kid
i thought that life
would be so perfect
when i was older

what i didn't know
is that i grew up too fast
and now i'd give anything
not to be older

i want to be a kid again
without any worries
without a burdened heart
without all the pain

if i could go back
i'd tell myself
never again wish
that you are older

inside of me is a monster and i fight every moment to keep it at bay


    I put my phone down, plunging me into darkness. The night is colder than the other nights, and I snuggle into the blankets. "Let's go to sleep now," I think, praying that all i get in return is silence.
    A deeper voice interrupts. It's smoother, eerily calm. "Sleep?" He chuckles, but the sound contains no joy. "We finally have time to talk."
    I shake my head. "Shut up. I know what you're trying to do."
    "Shut up," he mocks, making me flinch. "Shut up," he continues to repeat, taking the words i use to defend and pointing them back at me. I can feel him moving from the depths of my mind into the front of it, where I am painfully aware of his voice getting louder and louder.
    "Shut up!" I scream in my head, louder this time.
    He just laughs, a chilling sound that has...

you're different. you're human. you're you. || Mental Health Matters (20)


everyone's different
everyone's unique
you can never find
someone exactly like you

which is why it's important to remember
that you can be who you are
every part of you
even the bad parts

it's alright to be scared
or sad
or angry
at the world

it's alright to be different
and to feel
different things
than other people

we are all humans
and we all need to know
that not everyone thinks the same way
and that's okay

the man who ventured the depths of the underworld to find his truth


    There was once a man who was called Avaiar. Ever since he was a boy, he's had a belly button made of solid gold. One seemingly ordinary day, he was running errands for his family, when in the middle of a dark alley, a mysterious man in a black hood stepped out to greet him.
    "I am Death," he said, his scythe glinting in the sun.
    Avaiar noticed that no one seemed to pay attention to this Death character. It was almost as if only Avaiar could see him.
    "So you're Death," said Avaiar. "Does that mean I'm about to die?"
    "Oh, no," Death responded. "I just watch people die. And I want you to see this."
    Avaiar followed Death as he meandered to a bench. They sat next to each other, eyes peeled. Soon, Avaiar caught sight of a man producing a solid gold knife from the...

as i look into the eyes of my younger self i see the pain i haven't caused yet


    I imagine myself looking into his eyes, the eyes of someone who doesn't understand yet what it feels like to live in a world that is dark. His gaze is sharp and soft at the same time, analyzing me. He wants to understand me, but he's too young. I raise my hand in tentative greeting. He shows recognition, but he's unsure of where he recognizes me from.
    "Who're you?" He asks in his high voice that contains so much curiosity and magic.
    "I'm River," I say carefully. "I'm you, but older."
    He looks at me in confusion, twirling his long, blonde hair in his fingers. He tries to process this. "You're a boy," he points out.
    "So are you, but you'll find out sometime," I say patiently.
    He looks me up and down again. There was this need to understand in his eyes that made me smile.
 ...

i'm tired || Mental Health Matters (19)


the words i'm tired
are all too familiar
as a split second lie
when someone asks how you are

but sometimes it's not a lie
sometimes it's part of the truth
just not in a way
you would think

i'm tired
not because of a long day at school
but because of a constant battle
for control of myself

i'm tired
not because i took a walk
but because i have to scream
to drown out the other voice

i'm tired
not because i had trouble going to sleep
but because my mind was racing
when it should be resting

i'm tired
because it's exhausting
to be at war
with yourself

who would care? || Mental Health Matters (18)


sometimes i wonder
who would care
if i left
to run away

at first i thought
no one
but i realized soon
that wasn't true

that was just anxiety talking
and the list of people
who would miss me
is much longer
than i would have imagined

that's great but no one would miss me
maybe you're thinking
but i know with certainty
that you are wrong

for one thing
i'd miss you
your family would miss you
even if they don't show it

your friends
both online and in person
would all miss you
because your friendship
is priceless

your pet
the worker at the store you always go to
the people you play video games with
that one kid who smiles at you in the hall
the one kid you smile at that no one else does
they would all miss you

running away from our problems
seems easier
but you have someone
who stands by you
you...

empty || Mental Health Matters (17)


it's difficult to do things
that are productive
when you just feel
empty

it's difficult to get out of bed
in time for school
when there's nothing to
work for

some days we aren't living
when we go through our day
some days we're just
surviving

that empty feeling in your soul
doesn't have to stay
because we'll find something
or someone

they'll make us remember
how to live
instead of just surviving

hold on until you find them
because you will
it just takes a little bit
of time
and pain

one step at a time || Mental Health Matters (16)


life is sometimes
a nightmare
but i take it
one step at a time

i only have to survive
one more day
so i embrace today

and when tomorrow get here
i'll only have to survive
until the next tomorrow

as each tomorrow comes
i see the light
in every today
and think
of all the new todays

so i continue my story
one day at a time
without stressing about the future
and only worrying
about today

a conversation between me and the voice in my head || Mental Health Matters (15)


Italics: my intrusive thoughts
Bold: my logical thoughts
Normal: Myself


hey, school starts next week. how are we gonna deal with going by a new name and pronouns?
you shouldn't deal with it. just don't go, it's easier.
that's not how it works. just email your teachers.
they all will hate you for not telling them in person.
so tell them after class.
no, you can't do that.
why not? just wait until everyone leaves and say it.
you'll look stupid because you can't talk to people.
well, we can always just draft an email. i'm sure that's easier for everyone.
no, no. what if we say the wrong thing and can't take it back because you can't delete what's written?
you can't take back what's said either.
right, so we just don't say or write anything and hope they figure it out.
that's an awful idea. some of them won't figure it out and you'll be dysphoric all class. ...

let the emotions out || Mental Health Matters (14)


when life seems to be too much
don't be afraid to cry it out
don't be scared to show emotion

emotions are a part of us
even the bad ones
and if they're ignored
they'll build up
until you feel nothing but
the bad emotions

no one is too tough to cry
and no one is weak for it
no one will judge you
for being human

daydreams || Mental Health Matters (13)


sometimes when i zone out
i go to different worlds
inside my head

they're my place to go
to escape from reality
and i can travel there
just by tuning everything else out

i am someone else in my worlds
someone brave enough to come out
someone strong enough to overcome fears
someone selfless enough to save others

and sometimes when i zone out
i remember interactions
that never happened
that i only dream up
because i wish
they were real

sometimes those scenarios
replay in my head
distracting me
and keeping me from living
in the real world

this is called maladaptive daydreaming
it's a coping mechanism
that a lot of us use

it's not a bad thing
but sometimes we get lost
in what doesn't exist

i live in my head
but i know i should start
living in the moment
because reality
isn't as bleak as it seems

i now have 200 siblings, who i am forever grateful for


i know numbers are a trivial thing
but seeing my followers jump
from 199 to 200
made me smile wider than ever

200 siblings who came with me
on my journey of discovery
200 lovelies who make me smile
with every notification
200 friends who make me feel
like i'm cared about

i wish there were a way
to give each of you a hug
(or highfive if you're not into hugs)
but i guess virtual hugs (or highfives)
must suffice

i hope you all know
what an impact you've had on me
i hope you all know
i wouldn't be where i'm at
without my 200 siblings

the future || Mental Health Matters (12)


you can't predict the future
so you don't know
that something
will turn out wrong

i can't predict the future
so i can't know
that nothing
will turn out right

what we can do
is remember
the times that things
turned out right

we can remember
and we can know
that something
will probably turn out right
because that's what happened
before

they don't understand || Mental Health Matters (11)


no parents don't understand
they don't know what it means
when we say
"i'm just so tired"

parents accuse us of being lazy
when they don't understand
that getting up
is a battle

they wonder why we never talk to them
when each time we open up
it's met with
"it's because of that phone"
or "you're looking for attention"

parents don't understand
but it's not their fault
they want to help
but simply can't
because they don't understand
what it's like
in our minds

music || Mental Health Matters (10)


the right music can
calm you down
make you feel safe
or comfort you

here's some of the music
that is comforting to me
that i play when i'm down
that sounds like home

the village - wrabel
carry you - ruelle
it's alright - mother mother
hold on - chord overstreet
mirror - porter robinson
i see you - missio
home - x ambassadors
shadow - macklemore
older - ben platt
battle scars - paradise fears

and there's one song
that i both love
and can't listen to
because it's so
real
and was my favorite
when i was so
vulnerable
that song is called
beautiful by illymation
and it was a gift

my voice || Mental Health Matters (9)


it's not the voice of all the others
you've only said it to yourself


that reminds me
that i can't read minds
and what i think they think about me
is only myself being critical

i am my own worst enemy
because i think about
what others think of me
but it's never true
and i have to remember
that it's not their voice
who puts me down
but my own

The End is Now | Part Five


    The last thing Jace wanted to do was leave Adam's embrace. He didn't care how many people stared at them; he just wanted to stay and block out the pain of the real world. When Jace was with Adam, he could set his worries aside because nothing else mattered in that moment.
    But Jace knew he had to get up. He had responsibilities to take care of Parker and make sure they were safe in this little bunker community. Reluctantly, he pulled away, surprised to find that Adam resisted for a moment before letting go.
    "So you're the newbies?" a high, smooth voice said from behind Jace. He turned to see a girl standing with flaming orange hair that barely swept past her eyes. No, that's not right, he thought after looking at this strange person for a moment. That can't be a girl, but I don't think it's a boy, Jace puzzled out in his...

sleep || Mental Health Matters (8)


falling asleep is hard
especially when there's so many distractions
like thinking about the day
or just being on your phone

if you get afraid at night
for whatever reason
get a stuffed animal
who you can hug
no matter how old you are

if you just get restless
get off your phone
turn on calming music
and try to lose yourself in the beat

if you drown yourself in thought
get a book or audiobook
and focus on the words
instead of what's happening
in your mind

perfection || Mental Health Matters (7)


perfection is a devious word
because true perfection
is impossible
yet we all strive
to be perfect

perfection is a sour word
because it's something
i want to have
but can never get

perfection is a pointless word
because no matter how hard we try
we will never be perfect
or even be close to it

you don't need to be perfect
to be a good person
because no one is perfect

you haven't failed
if you're not perfect
you're just human
and human is all you need to be

eating || Mental Health Matters (6)


i know that it's hard
on days when you wish
you could just stay in bed
to get up and take care of yourself

so here's your reminder
to get out of your bed
get something to eat
and get something to drink

i know that it's hard to eat
when there's so many reasons not to
but i'm here to tell you
eating will not make you fat
hunger will not make you feel better
eating will only give you energy
to face the day to come

so even though it's hard
to take care of yourself
please
do it with me
so we can overcome it
together

your feelings are valid || Mental Health Matters (5)


have you ever heard the phrases
"you're not really depressed"
"you're doing it for attention"
"you're just faking it"

you are not faking it
maybe even you think you are
but your feelings are valid
no matter how big
or how small

maybe you think that
because others have it worse
you shouldn't complain
but your feelings are valid
no matter how big
or how small

if you are struggling
period
you don't have to feel bad
for asking for help
because your feelings are valid
no matter how big
or how small

breathe || Mental Health Matters (4)


it may seem like a trivial thing
but when panic attacks hit
you have to remember
to breathe

sometimes you'll be paralyzed
caught up in thought
but you have to remember
to breathe

breathe with me
breathe in for four seconds
hold it for four seconds
breathe out for four seconds
and hold it for four seconds

relax your body
clear your mind
and just remember
to breathe

intrusive thoughts || Mental Health Matters (3)


we all have that little voice
whispering things to us
that we wish we couldn't hear

that little voice might be quiet for some
and deafening for others
some people can ignore it
and others are consumed by it

it feels like the voice controls you
and it tells you
"you're not enough"
"everyone's judging you"
"you're a mistake"

the voice will never go away
but you can regain control
and maybe make it
a little quieter

imagine those intrusive thoughts
as an object you can hold
something you can pick up

now put them in a box
tape it up
and put it in a closet
or throw it in the basement

leave your intrusive thoughts there
and let your rational mind take over
and tell that voice
"you have no power over me"

because the voice is a coward
and it can be quieted
because you are stronger
than your intrusive thoughts

HECK YEAH gender euphoria!


the night creeps in
but the thoughts that come with it
don't come today

because today i am myself
and i can look
like how i feel

today i am not
an imposter
pretending to look like a boy

today i won't lay awake
because i know
i'm taking the steps
to become myself

the little things make life amazing || Mental Health Matters (2)



if you ever think that
life just doesn't have meaning
think of the little things

think of your best friend
and how they smile
and laugh at your jokes

think of running down the street in the rain
not caring who sees you
and just embracing life

think of the lady at starbucks
who gives you your coffee each day
with a great big smile

think of a time you laughed so hard you cried
think of a hug from a loved one
think of a text goodnight

think of all the things
that make you human
the compassion
the joy

maybe you'll realize
that there's so many reasons
for you to love life

the beginning || Mental Health Matters (1)


have you ever laid in bed
afraid to sleep
in case tomorrow comes too soon
but afraid to be awake
in case you think too much

have you ever had to drag yourself out of bed
because you aren't motivated
to do anything at all
but you have so much to do
that it's overwhelming

have you ever been in a crowd
and felt like everyone's eyes
are on you
and they all will resent you
if you say a word

have you ever held your breath
so your tears can be hidden
from the rest of the world
but at night
they soak your pillow

if you answered yes
then we're not that much different
and maybe
just maybe
we can get each other through it

to be courageous isn't to be fearless


it's okay to be scared
it's okay to have fears
and doubts
and regrets

i'm scared to start school alone
i'm scared of being a failure
i'm scared of being judged
i'm scared of being myself

but the definition of courage
isn't being fearless
it's being able to overcome those fears
and push them to the side

being afraid doesn't make you weak
it makes you braver
facing those fears
makes you even stronger

so it's okay to be afraid
but don't let the fear control you
because to be courageous
isn't to be fearless

let's conquer our mountains until you love who you are


sometimes getting out of bed
is a mountain
that's almost impossible to climb

sometimes remembering to take care of yourself
seems trivial
when there's so much in your mind

maybe you're proud of simply
taking a shower
but your parents yell at you
for not going outside

they don't understand
that your mountains
are just as hard to overcome
as theirs

no mountain is impossible
but some are so daunting
it would be easier to
just stay asleep

take my hand
and we'll climb these mountains
together
until we both
can love who we are

to the friends of people with anxiety


to the friends of people with anxiety:
be patient with your friend
sometimes they need some time to recharge
or to process what's happening

be kind to them
hearing just a few words
like "good job" or "you're pretty cool"
can ease their worries

remind them they're not a burden
people with anxiety can often feel
like they're bothering you
so they won't reach out in times of need

comfort them when they're overwhelmed
panic attacks come in all forms
and sometimes all that's needed
is a hug and a "you're okay"

make sure they know they're enough
give them confidence
because they can't get that themself

my headphones are on to escape from reality


why do i always have my headphones on
you ask
as i tentatively remove them

well you see it's so i can't think
let me explain
i don't want live in the moment
because the moment brings nothing but stress
so i want to lose myself in distractions
so my mind won't betray me

but why don't you talk to us
you inquire further
as i begin to put my headphones back on

can't you see that i don't like to talk
i won't open up to just anyone
because my thoughts are mine
and i'm too scared to speak them
so if i have my headphones on
then i won't have to be scared
of you judging my thoughts and my fears

i put my headphones back on
and drift into the land i have constructed
of music and youtube and netflix
where i can be a character
instead of myself
and not have to worry
about the rest...

all in a name


names hold so much power
because a simple word
is who you're seen as
to everyone around you

but sometimes names are like labels
and sometimes people need
new labels
to define them

pointlessly gendered names
are like stamping someone
with something they might not be
so they change their name
so they can live
with their identity

my name is morgan

my name isn't gendered
but it feels like
it represents the person
i was

my name is beautiful
but even beautiful things
can be grown out of

maybe i need a name
that better represents me
and my identity

my name was morgan
now i have endless possibilities
and a feeling that when i find my name
i'll know it

but for now
my name is unknown
my name is being searched for
my name needs to be mine

i'm confused and that's okay (READ FOOTNOTES: IMPORTANT UPDATE)


identity
is a beautiful thing
but it can also
be frustratingly
confusing

i thought i had myself
figured out
but it was only
the beginning

i thought my journey
was nearing the end
but now i see
it's only beginning

come along on my journey
so i can discover
who i am
and be happy

i'm home.


home
is a place where i can go
to take this off my shoulders


home
is a place where i feel safe
to cry
to laugh
to be me

my home is here
where i have people from around the world
to lift me up when i'm down
and for me to lean on

my home is in words
where i can lose myself
in worlds that are inside me

my home is here
my family is you
welcome home

The End is Now | Part Four


    Jace didn't want to walk away from the girl, but Adam pulled him along hurriedly. "We need to go now," he hissed, his voice low so the little boy they now were travelling with couldn't hear.
    "What's wrong?" Jace asked, slightly confused. He knew the place was tainted with the aftereffects of war, but they already had been there for a little less than an hour.
    "We need to start walking," Adam said, his voice a little panicked. "I just remembered something I read. In this amount of air toxicity, we have about five hours. Four if we're dehydrated."
    "What happens after that?" Jace asked, his hands fidgeting.
    Adam's face was grave. "You see how the wooden part of the buildings are starting to decompose? That would happen to us, but at a much higher rate."
    Jace was a little disturbed, but definitely got the point. He started to pick up the pace, following...

i grew up too fast


i've grown up too fast
my childhood
went by
in an instant
and suddenly i am
on my own

i've been called
"mature"
and an "old soul"
but really
i just never had the chance
to be a kid

it's because i was worried
about who i am
instead of worrying
about what game to play

i grew up in constant fear
of being a failure
because my parents expected
nothing less than perfect
so i worried about failing
instead of learning
from mistakes

i grew up too fast
so now i'm the mature friend
the one voice of reason
because i couldn't ever
get the chance
to be a kid

midnight terrors is why i didn't sleep (but i can't show it)


i wanted to call someone
but i didn't want
to disturb him
i wanted to yell
but it was
the dead of night

i wanted to tell
that voice in my head
to shut up
but it kept talking
and shouting
about my worries
and my fears

it screamed so loud
and my head
started to ache
so i curled up in bed
and wished the voice
away

it told me things
like how no one at school
will ever accept me
or how i will never be able
to make any friends
how i will always be lonely
how i can't escape
the pain

i wanted to call him
so he could help me
calm down
but then i'd be
just another burden
so i laid in bed
and wished for it to stop
but the voice didn't silence
and i didn't rest

The End is Now | Part Three


    Jace was woken by the sharp jolt of the train coming to a halt. He blinked, the light of the rising sun peeking over the treetops. He realized that he was still leaning on Adam, and he quickly sat up. Jace shook Adam awake, and looked over the edge of their freight car. They had stopped in a small station bordered with trees. He couldn't tell where they were, though.
    "Do you think we made it?" Adam asked, his voice still groggy. He had dragged himself up to where Jace stood.
    Jace chewed on his lip anxiously. "I hope so," he said. His voice was tired and wistful, already done with this whole trip. He just wished he could be home with his parents, making plans to hang out and play video games with Adam after school.
    They hastily packed their stuff and climbed down onto the tracks. Jace wanted to go try and find a town,...

The End is Now | Part Two


    Adam slid up beside Jace a few minutes later. He wore a backpack that was probably filled with clothes and supplies. Jace cursed himself for forgetting to bring everything. All he had was the clothes on his back, and the money in his pocket. It was too late to sneak back now, but he figured it wouldn't be a problem. He would just buy new clothes once they reached Canada.
    "You ready?" Adam asked, his voice as smooth as glass.
    Jace nodded a little too hard. He wasn't ready in the least bit, but he knew he had to be. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."
    Adam narrowed his eyes. "You know, we don't have to do this," he started.
    "Yeah, we do. My parents will never let us leave," Jace interrupted. "We have to. It's the only chance we have. I heard California's next, and if we don't get out of here, we're gonna be fried."
  ...

on days like today i find my meaning


on days like today
i do nothing
but play video games
and think
about what my life
has become

on days like today
i wonder what
meaning
my life
is suppose to have

on days like today
i write
because the darkness
creeps in
and the pen
is my only defense

on days like today
i try to
hold it together
and figure out
my purpose
in the world

on days like today
i realize
my purpose isn't
for myself
but it's for the ones
who read what i write
and think
"hey
maybe i'm not
alone"

on days like today
i'm sad
but i can't help
but feel joy
because i realize
i can make
a difference
when i write

The End is Now (new series? opinions?)

    
    "It's the end of the world, and you guys are arguing about lentils?"
    Jace couldn't believe his parents. The usually level-headed couple were now bickering over what to have for dinner like schoolgirls. Jace would have thought they would become more cold and calculating, but he supposed a crisis has a way of messing with people's heads.
    Jace's stepdad, Timothy Never-Call-Me-Timmy Davidson, was not one to argue with his wife. He wasn't one to argue at all, period. It was no wonder; Timothy worked in customer service, where one had to keep cool in spite of the stupidest people imaginable. Jace always admired his communication skills, though he didn't seem to inherit them.
    Jace's mom, Gina Davidson, was exactly the opposite. She didn't quite argue, but she would talk Jace's ear off every chance she got. She would tell him off for the littlest infractions, perhaps to feel more in charge, or perhaps just to...

Letter Writing Competition 2020

The girls on the playground


                                                                                                                                        July 5, 2020

        My dearest E,
    You'd hardly recognize me if you saw me. A lot has changed, in more ways than you or I could have ever imagined. I keep wondering what your life is like now, because God knows mine is different from all those years ago. I miss you, you know. I hope you're well. I wish we could have a conversation again, face to face, but it seems that a letter is the only option at the moment, given the quarantine. I've written and rewritten this letter a thousand times, trying to make it sound perfect, but I always seem to get caught up in our memories.
    And oh, the memories we had! I remember we used to play dress-up in your basement, and we would put on shows for your parents. I would wield your plastic sword while you donned a frilly dress. You'd try to convince...

school is a battleground no one understands


how does no one else get it?

the dark grasp of anxiety that grips my lungs as i step into class, fearing that i'll have to speak. fearing that if i speak at all, every word will come out mangled and failed.

the terror of choosing a place to sit at lunch because i don't want to have to fail at a conversation, but i don't want to have people laugh at me for sitting alone. so i sit in a group and bury myself in a book, but they still laugh because i look like a "nerd". it shouldn't bother me, but here we are.

the yearning to answer a question, but the fear that it might be wrong. and one wrong answer will immediately make me worthless, so i don't raise my hand. my participation grade suffers, but it's better than looking like a fool.

the loneliness that can only take full control when i'm in a room...

if god has a plan then where is my place


i was taught
that god has a plan
but if that's true
god needs to get his shit together

how could this
be a part of a plan?
why doesn't god
just make the pain
stop

why would god
let me feel the way i feel
about my worth
why would god
let this anxiety
take hold

if god exists
why won't he answer me
if god has a plan
why do i feel
like i'm left out of it

have i let you down or am i just stuck in my head?


hey mom
have i failed you? i feel like i've failed in being your child. you signed up for a daughter and instead got me, but why do i feel like it's my fault? i've done nothing wrong except aspire to be who i feel like, but sometimes i wonder if it would be easier to just submit and be your daughter. be the girl you always see instead of the strong person i want to be. what if i was your definition of normal? then would i not fail you? you told me that "this isn't what i had planned for my kid" as if you can see the future and see me grow into a woman with a husband and kids. that's not what i want. that's not what i am. have i failed you by being myself?

hey mom
you always thought i was okay, but i've failed you once again. i can't control the thoughts in...

i don't want to go to heaven


i don't want to go to heaven.

the idea of a sinless place sounds perfect, but nothing is perfect. heaven can't be perfect. imperfection makes us human, so if i go to heaven, will i no longer be human?

a place without grief, pain, or suffering sounds enticing. but if there's no pain, how could i ever experience true joy? if i can't remember the grief, then i can't remember the love from everyone around me that came with it. pain makes us stronger, so in heaven would i be the weakest version of myself?

if heaven's roads are paved with gold, then what would i have to work for? i need to strive, to aspire. if everything is handed to me then what joy could i possibly get out of an eternity there?

god advertises eternal life in heaven, but it's not much of a life when i can't experience the core of being alive: pain. pain goes hand...

if you ever need a reason to stay


the smell of light rain in the summertime as you lay on the beach

the sound of birds filling the air with life

the shiver as a cool breeze blows past you in the fall, but you're too buried under your oversized hoodie to care

the joy when your friend gives you a hug

the relief when you melt into your mother's arms and she lets you cry

the feeling when someone says i love you

the wonder as you gaze at the stars and wonder how you can be so small, yet matter so much

the satisfaction in knowing that you make a difference to someone

the simple feeling of being the beautiful disaster that is human

and that's on being the therapist friend


there was a person who was kind. they would comfort their friend when she was in need, and they would always be ready with a hug and an uplifting statement. they would fight for that friend. they would die for her. they made sure she was never lonely, and that she always had someone that would listen.

but they never talked about what they've been through. they never answer the question how are you? truthfully. they never show their struggles or let their friend help because what kind of a friend would they be if they burdened her? they let their friend believe everything was fine because their answer was always "i'm fine."

but how would they know the exact advice to give? how would they know what words soothe or when she needed a hug? they knew because they are the one they wish they had. but they didn't, so the decided to become the lifeline for someone else....

small steps


small steps
are the ones we need
small steps
like going out
and not feeling ashamed
of long hair
and my feminine body

small steps
are the best kind
small steps
like going swimming
in public
with short sleeves

small steps
add up
to giant leaps
so small steps
with my self confidence
maybe will someday add up
to me having enough courage
to talk to a stranger
without having to
bear the burden
of anxiety

if anxiety were an object


if anxiety were an object
it would be a cloud
made of dust and steel
that weighs impossible amounts
while also weighing nothing at all

it would be just big enough
for it to consume you
but small enough
that you feel weak
for handing it off to someone else

it would be a choking smog
that grates at your lungs
and stops you from breathing

it would take the shape of chains
around your ankles
dragging you down
when you try to move on

if anxiety were an object
it wouldn't be visible
to anyone but you
because no one notices your struggle
until it's
too late

why is my identity erased


there was a video
and i was overjoyed
because the creator
was just like me

they were a
panromantic asexual
person

i went to the comments
expecting joy
and support
like usual
but instead i got flooded
with hate

i thought i was ace when i was in middle school
but i was just a kid

why would you say that
and make the young people
like me
who identify as ace
feel like they're not valid
you're making me feel
like i shouldn't be the way i am

i used to use the labels panromantic ace
but now i'm just bi

because micro-labeling
is bad
why would you say this
and make people like me
who want to be specific
and comfortable with their labels
feel like they just want attention
you're making me feel
guilty for wanting to be comfortable

pan is just spicy bi
pan is biphobic
pan doesn't exist

just stop
please
i don't feel comfortable ...

mirror mirror


mirror mirror
on the wall
oh why must you betray me
by showing me a girl
instead of the person i am

mirror mirror
on the wall
oh why must you destroy me
by showing me everything i hate
about myself

mirror mirror
on the wall
oh why must you hate me
by showing me each imperfection
and none of the good things

mirror mirror
smashed on the ground
i don't need you
i don't fear you
you can't control me

#giveusbackourwords | a poem for freedom


i joined this site
for three reasons only:
the community
the writing
and interacting
through a mix
of both

i joined this site
to vent
and stayed
for the support
from this community

this site
has gotten me through
my darkest times
because i had
freedom
over my words

but no more
because apparently
freedom
only applies when
we're over eighteen

now we're limited to
poetry
nonfinction
and fiction
but where shall i turn
when i want to meet
new users through
an appreciation post

where shall i turn
when i want to
be inspired
by a contest

where shall i turn
for reviews
when i can't ask
on a review post

no this is not a blog site
but we shouldn't be silenced
because we're human
and need a community
to write beside

so the last thing
i want to say
is that write the world
is a beautiful place
so let's keep it that way
because community posts ...

i hide my poetry but really i hide my soul


i thought that i hated
showing people my poetry
because it's
not good

but i realize now
that i hate
showing people my poetry
because it reveals
how i truly feel

i could never admit
the things i write about
because they show how
broken
i am

i thought i hated
showing people my poetry
but i just hate
showing people
myself

this sea of failure drags us down


have you ever felt
like you're sinking
in a sea of failure
and you don't know how
to pull yourself out?

have you ever felt
like swimming down
would be easier
than trying to get
to the surface?

guilt washes over you
in waves
and hatred floods you
with self-loathing

if you've ever felt this way
congratulations
you're human

there's not a soul
who hasn't had to brave
these deadly waters
of failure

some don't sink as deep
and some can swim across
but if you can't
you're just as strong
because you didn't give up

no one is ever alone
in the darkest nights
or the roughest seas
because every one of us hurts
just the same

Also-artists community challenge - Week 1


    i try to make it so all my drawings have meaning. sometimes it's not very deep, but sometimes it's way more than it appears to be. this is one of those drawings that has a lot of meaning.
    first, let's look at the entire picture. it could be interpreted in many ways, and this is only one of them. it looks to be a hand made of stone drowning. however, there is a rainbow chain trying to save it, and turning the hand back from stone. the hand is reaching for the chain weakly.
    the water represents things like failure, anxiety, and depression. all things that pull someone down if they're not strong enough to swim.
    the hand represents life. my life in particular. it's made of stone because stone sinks in water, and i felt as if i was sinking in life. you can see that only the hand is visible, and not the entire...

my #CharacterQuirks (i'm not qUiRkY i swear)


when i'm anxious
(you can always tell)
because i'll bounce my knee
and it shakes
the earth

when i'm bored
(i'm always bored)
i zone out and daydream
but it's more
real
than a daydream
i create worlds in my mind
entire galaxies
and only some make it to paper

when i'm sad
(you'll never be able to tell)
i drown my thoughts
in distractions
whether they're healthy
or not
and hope that no one
can tell

The Witch and The Mouse | Prologue (Title ideas and feedback needed)

The last thing Sam expected to find hiding in the back of her shop was most definitely not a child. But there it was, a bright-eyed little boy huddled beside a crate full of furniture. He looked to be asleep, and Sam gently jostled his shoulder.
    The boy's eyes snapped open and he looked at Sam dead in the eyes. Sam was overwhelmed by the emotions the boy radiated. Anger, grief, and blood-curdling fear. I don't trust you! the boy's eyes seemed to scream. He scurried back from Sam's touch like her hand was a hot iron.
    After a brief moment of shock, Sam whispered in a comforting voice, "Do you need help, little one?"
    The boy's hands shook, and he pressed his back against a crate, getting as far away from Sam as he could. He said nothing, but his expression spoke volumes. Sam had never had anyone look at her with such genuine fear, and...

Pride Month FINALE: all our pride pieces | pride month day 30


First of all, before I begin, I'd like to give everyone a huge thank you for helping to make this one of the best pride months yet. And just because pride month is almost over doesn't mean that we can't be proud. Second, I'd love to hear what everyone thought about this series, and if I should do something similar in the future. One last thing, huge shoutout to pineapples for sticking with the series and always leaving thoughtful feedback. Without further ado, here are all the pride pieces (community pieces are at the bottom):

My pride series:
coming out | pride month day 2
together | pride month day 3
i would rather | pride month day 4
i dream of a world | pride month day 5
dear parents | pride month day 6
this month i feel... | pride month day 7
pride isn't canceled | pride month day 8
he liked pink | pride month day...

my pride month in a nutshell (thank you all) | pride month day 29


one thing i learned
from this month of pride
is that i'm not alone
and i should not be afraid
to be me

little things like
rainbow flags flown from houses
or rainbow painted stones in storefronts
have made me smile
and i know i am surrounded by love

online the pride flag profile pictures
made me realize just how vast
our community really is
and that i will always be backed
by someone

on write the world
all the amazing comments
and people who have defended me
makes me feel so loved
and i couldn't thank this community
enough

in my family
little steps have been made
i'm getting a binder
i'm getting a haircut
i'm allowed to express my pride
i'm being called by my preferred pronouns
above all
i am still loved

this pride month
has been the first pride month
where i'm out of the closet
and it feels
amazing

i'm so tired


i'm so
tired
today was so
hard

i'm too tired
to stay awake
but i'm too afraid
to go to sleep

i'm not afraid of
monsters that stalk at night
i'm just afraid of
thoughts that swirl in my head

a quiet moment with my thoughts
is torture
so i keep going and going
so i can't think

i'm so tired
but if i try to sleep
the thoughts from today
that i've hidden away
so people won't worry
will catch up with me

the tears i've held in
will come spilling out
and the demons i've kept at bay
will haunt me

i'm so tired
but i won't sleep
because silence
is deadly

children | pride month day 28


how am i expected to explain this to a child?

it's not that hard to explain
you just can't wrap your
close-minded head around it

it's not that difficult to get
you just can't handle
someone being different

here's how to explain being
gay, trans, queer
to a child

hey
a boy can get married to a boy
and a girl can get married to a girl
some people have two daddies
or two mommies

hey
she was born a boy but is a girl now
he was born a girl but is a boy now
they're not a boy or a girl

and when i explain it to a child
i don't have to worry about
if they will love me after
because a child is the most accepting

so don't say it will confuse the child
because they're only confused
on why you can't handle it

midnight thoughts that i can't be rid of


does anyone care?
it's selfish, but i can't help but wonder if i actually matter to anyone.

do i matter?
existential thoughts drown me. why should i matter in a world of billions?

am i enough?
i need to do better, and if i can't be better than before, something's wrong with me. i'll never be perfect, but i'm afraid no one will love me for anything but perfection.

am i alone?
yes. people are in my life, sure, but i can't burden them. so i'm alone, surrounded by people.

unity | pride month day 27


today i realized
just how powerful
unity is

millions of teens
have united on one front
to tear down injustice
and fight for our rights

as one
we have come together
to make a change
that will resonate
for years

if we stand united
we can do
anything

parents | pride month day 26


parents don't realize
how powerful their actions
and words
can be to a child

parents don't know
that one thing they say
can affect their child
for years

and if a parent won't see past
the morals they were taught
they don't realize how much
they can hurt
their child

i don't want to be fearless


i want to get rid of my fears
like so many others
because it would be so easy
to be able to sleep at night
without fear of failing
or fear of not being enough
or being a burden

i wanted to get rid of my fears
because maybe then i can
live
in peace

but i realized that
i can't get rid of my fears
and instead i should overcome them
because courage isn't
not being afraid of anything
but courage is
having enough strength
to get past what you fear

so i don't want to get rid of my fears
because they shape me
and allow me to grow
what i want is to be strong enough
that i can look on my fears
and be afraid
but not back down

Sometimes love will splinter into sharp pieces that can make you bleed


    "Hello?"
    "Is this Mister Patrick Nelson?"
    "Uh, yeah. May I ask who-"
    "Mister Nelson, this is the Los Angeles police department."
    "Oh, god. Did something happen? Is everything alright?"
    "You might want to take a seat, Mister Nelson."


    When Pat stared into her eyes, he knew he would never be able to love anyone else. Mia had the prettiest eyes, like amber melted down and mixed with honey. She had the prettiest smile, and Pat felt like the luckiest guy in the world when she smiled. He was entranced, ensnared, and completely and totally in love.
    "I love you," he said, gripping Mia's unblemished hands in his own rough ones.
    Mia gave him a warm smile that melted his heart all over again. "I love you, too," she replied, giving his hand a squeeze. Her voice was so soft and caring.
 ...

things i wish i had known when i was younger | pride month day 25


i was the one who was young once
i know how it feels to look in wonder
as i learn about myself

i wish i could do it all again
and embrace myself as i am
instead of being afraid

i wish i could tell anyone
who's struggling with their identity
that it's okay to be confused
and it's okay to not know
your journey will take time
and it will take so much effort
but if you push through it all
you'll find that it's so much easier
when you're being true to yourself

four things i realized in therapy about my self worth


i.
my self worth is measured in terms of perfection. i expect myself to do everything perfectly. be the perfect friend, say the perfect thing to make someone feel better. i expect to be perfect so i don't let down other people. because maybe if i'm a perfect person, no one will see what's wrong with me.

ii.
when i'm not perfect, it's like disappointing everyone, including myself. i shouldn't have done that. i should have done this differently. the thoughts never leave my mind, and every time i fail, my self worth goes down and down. i get stuck in a loop of failure and imperfection until i've hit rock bottom.

iii.
it will never be enough. i know i can't be perfect, so i try to be better than before, and it will never be enough because i cannot be perfect. so i'll try and try, always falling because whenever i don't go up, i give up trying....

we are human, but not all of us will have a future | pride month day 24


it breaks my heart
to realize that some of us
have to go their entire lives
wondering if they're
a mistake

they're told that they
don't matter
and they are barely
human

why?
if you look into our eyes
you won't see
a soulless monster
you will only see
emotions

because we are human
just like you
with hopes and dreams
and futures
so don't you dare
take that away from us

i have hope | pride month day 23


i have hope
that one day
i will be able to see
a man walking down the street
hand in hand with a man

i have hope
that one day
i will be able to tell
other people my pronouns
and they won't bat an eye

i have hope
that one day
love can be normalized
and identity
can be loved

Broken hearts from a Day-dream | #myrose | TW


    Day never claimed to be a good boyfriend. He tried to be a decent one. He had his fair share of anger issues, among other things. Despite all that, he really did try to be, at the very least, adequate. He would try his best to be attentive towards his partner, Lee, even if he was caught up in work. He almost never lost his head at Lee, and on the off occasion that he did, he would admit his mistake. Most importantly, he was always faithful.
    Lee was… a bit different. They were pretty much the ideal partner. Day would come home from a long day at work, and Lee would have dinner ready, and a romantic night already planned. Day found it difficult to imagine them cheating, but here they were, arguing with Day in the kitchen.
    "I told you, Lee, you can't just go around partying with other people while I'm at work!" Day shouted,...

150 followers? bruh (free reviews)


    I was going to do an appreciation post, like a lot of other people on here to celebrate this incredible milestone, but I didn't particularly think it was a great idea. Don't get me wrong, it's super cool how everyone is showing their appreciation, but I figured making a list would probably make people feel left out, and I don't want to forget anyone. Plus I just don't like making favorite-user lists in general on any website.
    So no list from me, BUT I will be celebrating 150! I never really expected to get this much of a following, and I'm so grateful that I did. So, I will be giving out reviews! The first five to comment a piece will get a guaranteed review, and any others I will probably do, just not right away. This probably won't be an issue since I have a ton of free time now, but better safe than sorry.
    There's no...

Voicemails of lost souls


This number could not be reached. Please leave a message at the tone.
*beep*

Hey. It's uh... it's Danny. Please just hear me out. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just hoped... I hoped you could give me a call? Or text? Anything? I miss you, Art, and I just want to hear your voice again.

*beep*
It's been awhile, and your still haven't called, Art. I miss you so so much. I could never ask you to forgive me. Hell, I haven't forgiven myself. Just... call me back, okay? There's something I gotta tell you.

*beep*
I'm sorry for calling again. I tried to wait longer to see if you'd call, but I'm starting to think you never will. I just want a second chance. Just give me that and I'll leave you alone.

*beep*
You BASTARD. You won't even give me another chance?! FINE! Fine. fine. I screwed up. I was...

music...


    the music. it's... incredible. it's nothing special, yet at the same time, it's the most special thing in the universe. i haven't heard music in... wait. how long has it been? i can't seem to recall. how strange. but it doesn't matter because of this music. where is it coming from? who's playing...? nevermind. i need to go towards it. i can hear instruments that i don't know the names of. jello? is that what it's called? the big one with strings? hmm. i can't remember much of anything. it doesn't matter. nothing matters right now except the music. i'm going towards it. i'm running. i'm flying. look! there it is! it's a light! a light? why would the music be coming from a light? not just any light, it seems. it's... bigger. not like a lamp. this light has no glass casing. it's just light. what if i were to touch it? would there be more...

fake | pride month day 22


how can some people really say
that we're faking being trans?

how can anyone even think
that we're lying to ourselves?

do you think we want
to disappoint our families?

do you think we want
to be confused
every single day?

yes, i am proud to be me
but that doesn't mean
it's easy

call me crazy | pride month day 21


you can call me crazy
but i have the right
to look how i want

you can call me weird
but if i want to bind
and cut my hair
that's my choice
and mine alone

i don't care if you call me
a girl
anymore
because i know i am not
and i know i have the right
to be who i want

so you can call me your daughter
and i will live my life
as your child
because my life
is mine
and mine alone

heart of glass | #varmebolger


Trigger warning: mental illness

imagine a steel weight
crushing your heart of glass
but you can't talk to anyone
because it would crush them too

and you can't break
or even splinter
'cause your sharp edges
would hurt those around you

so you strain
to stay together
while the weight
leaves a nasty scar

you think the only way
to not break apart
is to get rid of
who you are

so you break away
your heart of glass
and replace it with
a heart of stone

and once you realize
what you've done
it's too late
and you're left all alone

you scramble to pick
your pieces up
but you've already
started to fall

you're too afraid
you're too far gone
to say what you have done
so you say nothing at all

you let yourself
break your heart
as you try
to put your glass back in

you can only see regret
and all the while
the heart...

closeted | pride month day 20


you shouldn't have to
hide
who you love
or who you are

but the world is
cruel
and people
crueler

so many are forced
to be who they aren't
and cover their identity

no one seems to realize
that the ones in hiding
are human too
no one seems to care
as they break themselves down

it isn't humanity
if you let someone
live as a lie
just so your opinions
aren't challenged

dysphoria | pride month day 19


it's when i look in the mirror
and all i can see
is my long hair
and chest that is anything but flat

it's when the cashier says
"thank you, miss"
when i'm trying
to look masculine

it's when my mom calls me
"my girl" and
"young lady"
and i have to smile and nod

it's when i'm grouped with the girls
for a group project
or a sports team
or the locker room

it's when i look at myself
and see an imposter
because i do not look
like how i feel

but all of that vanishes
for just a moment
when a friend utters a single word:
"they"

But he is the richest man in the cemetery

 
    The man used to be happy. He used to love and used to be loved. In college, he studied business. He aspired to change the world. he learned everything he needed to start his own company. So he did. He started to sell real estate, and soon, he was rich. He learned how to get the most money from people, and how to make it seem like he was doing them a favor by taking their money. He met a girl who soon turned into his wife. They had kids, growing richer all the while. But his business started to decline. He spent most of his time in the office, trying to restore his company to their former glory. He still had a fortune, but it wasn't enough for him. He had to be on top. He rarely saw his family, and when he did, he was almost always on a business call. His wife couldn't take...

love doesn't discriminate | pride month day 18


there's only one thing
in the world
that doesn't discriminate:
love

white or black or brown
or anything in between
love doesn't care

man and woman
or man and man
or anything at all
love prevails

christian or jewish or muslim
or anything else
love will find a way

love always finds a way
because love doesn't discriminate
so neither should you

Fitting in? | pride month day 17


Why do people work so hard
just to fit in?
Why do they feel like
being different's a sin?

If there's one thing I've learned
from my years at school,
it's that despite what you do
people will always be cruel.

So don't even worry
about what others see,
because you are just you,
and that's all you should be.

our colors | pride month day 16


our colors
are beautiful
not just because of the shades
or the combinations
but because of what they
represent

our colors
are flown from houses
and printed on shirts
so the world can know
how proud we are of them

our colors
show our inner beauty
and give us a symbol
to claim as our own

answering a frequently asked question | pride month day 15


what's the difference between bi and pan?

it's a question that i've seen asked frequently, so here's a short explanation. bi is when you like both genders, and you may have a preference. if you're bi, then you like boys and girls. however, if you're pan, you like all genders. frankly, gender doesn't matter. gender's not even in the equation if you're pan. you like boys, girls, nonbinary people, anyone because gender doesn't matter. pan people also tend to focus more on someone's personality rather than appearance or body, but i can't speak for everyone.

hope this is helpful! <3

pronouns | pride month day 14


you think it won't matter
what you call someone
when you think they aren't listening
but we hear

you think years of habit
excuse you from
making me comfortable

you think pronouns don't matter
because it's "just a word"
but it's a lot more
than a word

it's an identity
it's actively admitting
that you accept who i am
and when you don't use
my pronouns
you might as well say
i'm faking it

pronouns are more than words
pronouns are more that titles
it's a symbol
of who we are

When you wish for gold, consider the weight you will have to bear


You each have one wish. There are no rules, but you only have one. You first, in the blue jacket.

"I wish to never die or grow old!"

His wish was a mistake, he would find out. While everyone around him experienced the joys of growing up with someone they loved, he had no one because he could not bear to see them die. He was stuck in a never ending world where he was alone with his thoughts. As the years passed and the love of his life died, he too wished to be with her. But he could never die.

Next, in the green.

"I wish to never feel sadness!"

Her wish too was a mistake. She was happy for a while, but as time went on, she felt nothing more. Without feeling sadness, she could no longer be truly happy because if everything is happy, then how can you feel more? Without sadness, she could not enjoy...

gbf | pride month day 13


no i will not be your gay best friend
when you sneer at the trans boy
and you move away from the lesbian

no i will not be your gay best friend
because you say you support us
but ask us not to shove it in your face

no i will not be your gay best friend
if you're only using me so you can say
"my friend is gay so i'm not homophobic"

i will only be your gay best friend
when you can call he trans girl a queen
and you can respect an asexual's personal space

Artemis Fowl movie: a rant


Contains spoilers for the Artemis Fowl books and movie!

Okay, so I assume most of us have read Artemis Fowl. If not, you should because it's really good. BUT the movie recently came out, and it's like Percy Jackson levels of bad movie. It's just.... every detail practically is wrong.
    First of all, I can't get over this one, they called Butler Domovoi. NO! Did the writers even know the canon? Artemis didn't know Butler's name until he was about to die because it prevented them from getting close. YOU CAN'T JUST THROW OUT A DETAIL LIKE THAT. Butler's name is Butler, not Dom, at least to everyone else.
    Second, they killed off Artemis's mom. Umm no she didn't die, she is just sick. She's almost dead, but SHE DIDN'T DIE.
    Third, Holly is the only female officer in LEPRECON, but in the movie, they made it so like half the officers are female....

trust | pride month day 12


when you've done nothing but
hide
you never really learn how to
trust

you never learn to become vulnerable again
you never open up
you never tell anyone
anything
anymore

even if you want to
the fear of rejection
is so consuming
because you know
how it feels
to be rejected

i don't trust
anymore
because i've spent my life
looking over my shoulder
to see if anyone
knows my secrets

how i discovered my identity | pride month day 11


i saw a prompt talking about self discovery, so i felt like i should share my journey of self discovery for pride month. here we go:
it started when i was young, though i wasn't sure what it was called. i hated dresses, and refused to wear anything "girly". i shopped in the boys section at the store and often stole clothes and toys from my brother. that's normal though, right? my parents told me i was a tomboy and moved on. a little later in life, i started to be obsessed with looking like a boy. but i never really told anyone, so i again just looked like a tomboy. looking back, i always got really happy whenever someone mistook me for a boy, and i remember one time not really understanding that my brother and parents were laughing at that for a different reason than i was. when i started middle school, that was when everything changed. everything...

Unmade Memories Shattered Like Broken Dreams


    Justice laughed and threw her arms around Dive. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, making him blush. He smiled at her slyly and opened his arms for her. She snuggled into him, her hair smelling of that lemony conditioner she used. Dive loved that smell almost as much as he loved Justice. He wrapped his arms around her, content with his life as long as Justice was there with him.
    A few minutes passed. The couple said nothing because there was nothing that needed to be said. They knew in their hearts that they loved each other with everything they had, so there was no need for the inconvenience of words. That was the exact reason for the diamond that Dive had in his back pocket. He just needed to wait for the right moment.
    That moment came sooner than Dive had imagined. The door creaked open slightly, and the figure...

there's only one | pride month day 10


there's only one race:
the human race

there's only one gender:
human

there's only one sexuality:
love

he liked pink | pride month day 9


as a kid he was dressed in jerseys
but secretly, his favorite color was pink
he played with his football at home
but at school he played with the dolls
his parents were furious when he tried to put on a dress
but he kept trying to wear them
he grew his hair out long
he experimented with makeup
he stole his sister's old clothes
his parents were furious when he went to school in a skirt and makeup
they forced him to cut his hair
but he wouldn't be silenced
so the next day she told her parents who she is
her parents were furious
but she didn't care
because she was happy
the way she was
as a she

pride isn't cancelled | pride month day 8


someone online said that pride is cancelled this year.

pride was originally a riot. pride was started by black, queer people. rioting is perhaps the best way to celebrate pride because we can defend a fellow minority. pride isn't cancelled. pride was never cancelled. it simply has taken a different form. parades turned into marches. gatherings turned into vigils. celebrating turned into protesting.

just because we aren't celebrating pride month in a "normal" way, doesn't mean it's cancelled. we don't need a parade to feel proud, we just need to change the world. which is exactly what we're doing.

the truth is never easy


it's easy to think
that you're not beautiful
it's easy to look at yourself
and notice only the flaws

it's so easy to believe
that your scars
will never heal
and you will always
be marred
by bad decisions

it's easy to think
that you don't have to
love yourself
because nobody
could ever love you

but the thing is
the truth
is never easy

 

this month i feel... | pride month day 7


empowered
to be myself

proud
of who i am

happy
that i can
be
who
i
am

dear parents | pride month day 6


you're raising your children
to believe they should
conform
and expect them to
"be themselves"
as if they know how

you're raising your children
to do what you want
instead of them
and expect them
to be happy
with their lives

ask the girl who never eats
why she wants to be a model
"it's what my parents want"

ask the boy who never sleeps
why he wants to play football
"my dad was quarterback"

ask the kid who sits alone
why they won't talk
"i'm scared
of what people
might think"

you're raising your children
to be what you never were
but because of that
they will never be anything
either

it only takes a few words to save a life

Elena sat at her desk, no words coming out of her mouth. Kylie frowned and stared at her friend in worry. Elena was always the most talkative person in class. But today she just seemed… distant. Kylie debated whether or not she should ask what's wrong. Perhaps Elena was just having a bad day. Somehow, Kylie doubted that, so she quietly slid into the desk next to Elena.
    "Hey, what's up?" Kylie greeted, smiling warmly.
    Elena looked up at her and gave a strained half-smile, but didn't say anything. Something was obviously troubling her.
    "What's wrong?" Kylie's voice was soft, and she tried her best to sound caring.
    Elena's gaze shifted to the ground. "Nothing, I'm fine," she said quietly.
    Kylie wasn't convinced. "No you're not. What's wrong?" she repeated.
    Elena stared into Kylie's eyes and then looked back down to that spot on the ground. She started to say something, but the sound...

i dream of a world | pride month day 5


i dream of a world
where a girl
can love a girl
and a guy
can love a guy
without anyone
batting an eye

i dream of a world
where that little girl
isn't bombarded with
pink and princesses
and that little boy
isn't bombarded with
sports and tools

i dream of a world
where someone can be
whoever they want
without being judged

i dream of a world
where everything is accepted
except hate

i would rather | pride month day 4


i would rather
be hated
for who i am
than have to
keep pretending'
i am someone else

i would rather
deal with cries of
slurs and threats
than have to
hide myself
at every corner

i don't care
what other people want
because i would rather
be hated for who i am
then be loved
for who i am not

together | Pride Month day 3


there's so many
who are against us

they say we are
sinners
they say we
don't matter

but there are more
who will fight
to see us survive

there are so many more
who accept us
with love
and compassion

together
we can block out
the ones who spread hate
only together

This needs to change | #BlackLivesMatter


Warning: The things discussed in this piece could be triggering for some people. Please do not continue if you are uncomfortable with things such as racism, murder, harassment, and violence.

    We all know about George Floyd, the black man choked to death by police. And in the wake of his death, protests have erupted around the country. Here's a few stories from those protests that just evoke so much anger. This is not the stuff the media shows you, but the actual thing recorded by protesters. All these situations I'm about to describe are real videos from an app called Tiktok, and they all happened at the Black Lives Matter protests.
    A black man knelt in front of cops, arms raised. He got maced in the face. Peaceful protesters laying in the grass got tear-gassed by police. A girl was shot with a rubber bullet in the eye, and was bleeding out in front of cops. They didn't...

coming out | pride month day 2


my mouth moves
but no words come out
i stand there
silent
too afraid to
speak

i finally make a sound
everything comes
spilling out

"i am who i am
i am not
your
daughter"

he hugs me
tells me it's alright
he squeezes my hand
so tight

we go to her
together
i tell her
who i am

"i am who i am
i am not
your
daughter"

she looks me in the eye
tears welling up in hers
she tells me it's okay
she tells me
she
will try

i do not have to hide
i can be
myself
and that is all
i want

Happy pride month!


Even if we can't physically be at pride this year, we can still celebrate! I've decided to write at least one pride related piece every day to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. Here's where you come in. You can link your own pieces in the comments, and at the end of the month, I'll create a huge pride month collaboration piece with all of your pieces linked on it.

Stay proud! <3

Eye of The Storm

Storm had come to accept the fact that he was going to die. After years of battling to kill, he was going to be killed. And he was okay with that. He knew it was the only way for Jericho to survive, which Storm deemed more important than life itself. Today, on the battlefield, Storm and Jericho would inevitably come face to face. Storm would put up no fight. Let Jericho win. Let Jericho live.
    
    Jericho didn't want to hurt Storm, but he was prepared to. He had only ever seen Storm in person once, and had let him live. That was a mistake that Jericho was never forgiven for. He would kill Storm today, quickly and quietly. No theatrics that his advisors kept pushing on him. He would brace himself, do the deed, and walk away.

    Storm leveled his eyes at the approaching figure clothed in deep red. Jericho's swords were drawn, one deadly blade in...

i couldn't begin to explain how you've saved me


i'm not good at expressing
emotion
i'm not good at talking
to anyone

my gratitude often goes
unnoticed
and my feelings kept
inside

so that's why i'm
writing this
so you can know just
how i feel

i've said it before
and i'll say it again
you saved my life
with your support

when it seemed as though the world
was against me
you had my back
and were simply
there

it's hard to express
just how much
you mean
to me

my little beach


the waves are lapping
the sun sets in the distance
the seagulls cry out
in their strange language

my little beach
my secret beach
wherei can go
to calm myself

it's the place that i picture
when my heart begins to race
it's the place that i long for
when my mine begins to wander

my little beach
where everything's alright
my little beach
my place without woe

i thought i was better


i thought i was better
but all i got better at
was hiding my pain

i thought i could
handle my emotions
but they aren't that easy
to just turn away from

i thought i was better
i thought i was doing okay
i thought i had found myself
i thought i was better

the only thing i am
is lost
the only thing i was
is hidden

i thought i was better
but i'm not

but i will be
when i stop
hiding

will anyone listen to us when we die


hello?
is anyone there?


.
..
...

hello?
please. answer me.


.
..
...

hello?

.
..
...

where is everyone?
why am i alone?
someone!


.
..

...
goodnight, little one.

.
.
.

what?
who's there?
can you help me?


.
..
...

please

.
.
.
..
.......
................
....................
........................
.................................
........
..
.
.
.
.
.

v


v
i know you try
to understand
i know you want
to give me help

v
i couldn't ask
for someone better
i couldn't want
anyone else

v
you've helped me
more than you know
you've saved me
more times than one

v
don't ever say
that you're not enough
don't ever tell me
you cannot help

because v
you probably
have saved my life
when you stayed up at night
to talk to me

you probably
have saved my life
when you actually
accepted me
for me

A Walk Into Eden

High above the mountains, where the songbirds' songs are but a mere whisper, there is a place where woes can be forgotten. It's a simple place, a place of joy. There is a garden full of life, and a spring full of youth. Endless possibilities exist in this place. There is love to be found and laughter to be shared. This is the story of Eden, and the boy who found it.

    Ben was only a child when he discovered Eden. Six years old, to be exact. He was playing in his back garden when lo and behold, a doorway opened. Why it opened in his garden, Ben didn't know, but he went through it nonetheless. It was a huge golden archway that spanned the entirety of his garden. When he went through, he found himself in a quiet place that teemed with flowers and plants.
    There was a huge fountain in the center of this...

sticks and stones


whoever talked about
sticks and stones
must have never known
how words can kill

when you're called
invalid
a disgrace
a monster
sticks and stones
would be better

i'd rather face
sticks and stones
than be faced
with words of hate

no sleep


isn't it great
when your body wants to
shut down
but your mind keeps
racing

isn't it great
when you want to
sleep
but you just can't
stop

slow down
take a breath
lay down
go to sleep

it's not that easy
when your thoughts
can't
stop
moving

Evelyn

    
    Evelyn. Joshua.
    Those names had been with Salem since the day she was born. One would kill her, and the other was supposedly her soulmate. Obviously, Joshua was the soulmate, so whenever Salem went to a new place, she would have her ears open for that name. Joshua, whoever he was, slowly became her obsession. She stalked all three of the Joshuas in her school on social media, but it quickly became clear they were not her soulmate. Each of their wrists read a name that wasn't hers.
    Most of Salem's friends had met their soulmates already. When Meghan excitedly called Salem up to tell her about Mark, Salem had smiled and said she was happy for her, but she always felt that twinge of disappointment. Meghan and Mark seemed so happy together, and Salem longed for Joshua.
    Her junior year, Salem switched schools. Her father had found a job as a pastor...

a single teardrop

a single teardrop
disguised as rain
rolls endlessly
from my eye

this single teardrop
is my failure
because i could not
control my fear

your single teardrop
turns into many
you have no shame
you aren't like me

a single teardrop
wiped away
before anyone
could even tell

Dead Men Don't Love #boredwriter

Some people might have said love at first sight isn't real, but when Darrien saw this boy on his way home from work, he knew that those people were wrong. Because as soon as their eyes met, Darrien was struck. The boy was probably in his early twenties, much like Darrien himself; he was only twenty-two. He had long black hair that swept over his eyes in a very mysterious way. He wore a black hooded jacket, almost as if he didn't want to be noticed. Darrien thought that the mysteriousness was kind of hot. And his eyes, oh, his eyes. When Darrien made eye contact, the boy's eyes seemed to pierce Darrien's. They were ice-blue, and the longer Darrien looked into them, the colder he seemed to become. Maybe, Darrien thought, hot isn't quite the right word for him.
    Of course, Darrien was probably fooling himself. Even if Darrien could manage to go up and talk...

#70comp RESULTS + ANSWERS


These were wayyyyy too hard to choose winners for. All of the writing is fantastic, and I so so grateful to everyone who submitted. All of these pieces are special in their own way, so don't feel discouraged if you didn't win. QnA answers are after the winners :)

Prompt 1: Hidden Meanings
1st: BMATLOF by Westley
I just love everything about this poem. The rhythm and rhyme is amazingly well done, and the poem itself is heart-wrenching. Beautiful work!

2nd: Hidden Meanings by ava09
All of these are so sad, but so strikingly accurate. You displayed really amazingly how people are struggling on the inside. The fourth paragraph is also super relatable, and it really spoke to me. Awesome job!

Prompt 2: Your Character
1st: Infinity Was Never A Number by A Certain Type of Decisive
The moment I started reading, this piece just ensnared me. The style of it is beautiful in a way...

panic attacks


my panicked breaths
my shaking hands
were painfully obvious
when i sat with you

the weight on my chest
the tears in my eyes
could not be hidden
from you

you did not laugh
like all the others
you squeezed my hand
and told me to breathe

you told me that
everything's okay
you helped to
distract me

you made me feel
comfortable
in the midst of a
panic attack

thank you
it means so much
that you care
enough to help

70+ Follower CONTEST! #70comp

Hey! First of all check out most of my lovely followers here! Thank you all so much! This is my second ever contest and I'm really excited to see everyone's work. Let's get right into it!

Prompt 1: Hidden meanings
This prompt is based off this piece I wrote. In this prompt, write about something we say or do that has hidden meanings behind it. What does a phrase or action really mean?

Prompt 2: Your character
This prompt is based off this piece I wrote. In this prompt, I'd like you to write about a particular character of yours that has impacted you the most. Who are they? How did they impact you? Are they just a character or something more?

Rules/Guidelines:
There is no word limit for either of the prompts, and any style or form of writing is acceptable. Lowercase and punctuation-less is accepted, and I won't judge too harshly on grammar. I'm judging based on creativity...

i wish i was a fish | #Howdy


the cool water is my escape
and the trees above are my home
my house is over the hill
but the lake
is where i live

for the fish don't argue
like mum and dad
and the birds aren't always
at the bar

when my head goes under
the glistening surface
i can no longer hear
the shouts from my house
i can no longer think
of the evil that waits
for when i get back

i wish i could be a fish
and lead a simple life
a life away from violence
a life away from the anger
that i was raised in

i wish i could swim in the lake
forever
 

Cloud - A novel by Me at age 11


    Morgan
    The monster’s dark eyes glittered in the moonlight. I slowly backed away. I didn’t want the monster to see me. It turned its bulky head and sniffed the air. With every breath, my heart pounded in my chest and adrenaline raced through my veins. I backed up another inch, careful not to make a sound. It saw the movement. No! The beast lumbered forward. I forgot all about stealth. Running, I looked behind me. It was gaining on me. I darted behind a tree. The terrifying creature charged forward like a bull. I noticed a hole in the ground, concealed by a log. It was better than nothing. I dove in the hole before the creature turned. I tumbled around, until a rock hit me in the head. 
    “Ow!” I yelled. My shout echoed around the dark tunnel. How big was this place? I groped around, trying to find a wall. 
    Suddenly, a flame shone in...

I'M TRANS


I'M TRANS and if you don't like that, then too bad.

If you disagree with the idea of people being trans, please, take a seat. I'd love to hear your point of view, and have a respectful conversation. That, children, is called common courtesy. You know what else is common courtesy? Respecting a person's identity. You know what is not common courtesy? Being hateful towards people who are different than you.
Trans people are valid.
Respect their pronouns.
Don't make them feel uncomfortable.
ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE.

do i love?


do i love?
or do i just want
company?

is this attraction?
or do i just want
someone
to listen?

i want a friend
but do i want
a partner?

i love seeing love
but
do i love?

The Orphanage (Style experiment)

All your life, there's been a fence twenty feet tall surrounding the orphanage at the corner of your street. At the top of the fence, there's what looks like pigeon spikes, but you couldn't tell how large they are from where you looked. As a kid, you get dared to go over and touch the fence. You'd do it, and instantly shrink back into the safety of your driveway. But you'd get curious, and peek through the wooden slats when no one was looking. You'd see a beautiful garden overflowing with greenery and vines. Flowers grew seemingly everywhere, and there was a giant wooden door that led into the orphanage.
    This peek would only make you more curious, so you'd try to find a way in. You'd go at sunset; when all your friends have gone home and your mother still allows you outside. You'd circle the fence and look for an opening. You'd find one! A loose board that...

am i really who i say i am


am i really what i say i am?
or am i just faking being special
for attention?

am i really trans?
or am i just looking for something
to make me stand out?

don't get me wrong
i have dysphoria
and i love my new pronouns
and my new name
but am i really telling the truth?

this doubt nags at my mind
because every day i am told that
i am a girl.
i cannot be
who i want to be.
i cannot look
how i want to look.

every day.
and it wears at me
until i believe it
and the doubt lingers
because if i am not allowed to be me
then am i really me?

i hate titles


a title is supposed to sum up
a poem
or a story
but no title can ever sum up
a truly powerful story.
emotions that intertwine
to create feeling
cannot be described
in a few words.

titles set expectations
but what if want a tale
of heartbreak
of hope
of loss
and of love
all at once?

no title could ever explain
all these emotions
that i put on the page.
no title could ever explain
what i have in my head.

The Casualties of War | #PrompyCompy5

Gunshots cracked all around Ben's platoon. Ben's back was pressed against the trench, but every blast still made him flinch. He was only seventeen, albeit pretending to be eighteen. Still, he was no fighting type. Ben would much rather be sitting in his house writing a story than shooting at people. But his father practically forced him to join up, and Ben didn't want to disappoint him.
    Another soldier next to Ben, Scar, they called him, snickered, earning him a glare from their sergeant. "The kid's pissing himself!" he crowed to someone next to him. That soldier sneered at Ben.
    Ben glared at them, but didn't say anything. They were right, he was scared out of his mind.
    "They never shoulda let this kid in here. He's prolly gonna die from fear before them krauts get to 'im!" Scar continued, nudging his buddy, who chuckled pointedly in Ben's direction.
    Ben shook his head and ignored them,...

no mama i am not your daughter i am your child | #aprilaprilapril


"do you want that haircut to make you look like a boy?"
mama asks me. mama asks if i wanna be a boy with sadness in her voice. no mama no i don't. i wanna be a person, i don't wanna have a label based on what's in my pants. no mama i wanna live outside boy and girl. mama mama you said i am your daughter, you said i am she she she. no mama i am they they they. no mama i don't wanna look like a boy because since when did a haircut define my identity? no mama i don't owe you femininity, and no mama i don't owe you masculinity because someday you'll realize i am somewhere in the middle. no mama no mama i am not your daughter and i am not your son. i am your child.

"you're your mother's daughter"
papa tells me. papa thinks i'm her. no papa no i'm not. she...

The Accident


    "I heard you talking in your sleep last night," a gentle voice greeted Ellie as she walked into the kitchen.
    Ellie had just woken up from a fitful sleep, and it took her a moment to process the words. She swung her gaze up to see her roommate, Bailey, giving her an odd look. "What?" Ellie asked, still bleary-eyed.
    "You were talking in your sleep," Bailey repeated. "And tossing and turning. Sounded like you were having a nightmare," she explained with a concerned expression.
    Ellie blinked and rubbed her head. She did have a nightmare. She had nightmares every night ever since the Accident. "What were you doing in my room?" Ellie asked, trying to evade the topic. She didn't particularly want to discuss the Accident with Bailey; it was none of her business.
    Bailey blushed. "I heard something, so I went in to check on you."
    Ellie narrowed her eyes at Bailey. "You're not...

Love Everlasting | #aprilcancercontrol

    "Hey, Jackson. Haven't heard from you in a while. Call me back?"
    Jax's phone beeped and the voice went quiet. He gently laid it beside his pillow and sighed deeply, his hand running through his hair. He couldn't call Andrew back. There was no way to tell him, at least not over the phone.
    He picked up the small device, put it back down, and then picked it up again. Why can't I just do this? he asked himself, silently cursing his cowardice. Andrew was his best friend; he had the right to know what was going on with Jax. And yet, that was the reason why Jax couldn't hit the call button. There was so much unsaid, so much that Jax wanted - no, needed - to say to Andrew. But he couldn't hurt his friend like that.
    Letting out a growl of frustration, he picked up the phone and tapped out a small message: ...

You're a rainbow


Every rainbow
comes after a storm

If you're in a storm
your rainbow
will soon come

Because beautiful things
are made from
darkness

am i enough for you?


i love you,
but what is my love worth?
you're the one who picks me up
when i don't want to go on.
you're the one who wipes my tears
and holds me tight.

i love you,
but what's in it for you?
you keep me alive.
you hold my hand
and tell me "it's alright".

i love you,
and i should try harder.
i should try to be better.
i should try to be okay,
because it's not fair to you.

i love you,
because no matter how bad i've become,
you're always there.
you get nothing in return
except for my love,
which isn't enough.

i love you,
because it's enough for you.
i'm enough for you.

i love you

can the emptiness in my stomach fill the emptiness in my soul?


all i've eaten today
is a glass of water
with a side of shame

not because i envy
the people with slim waists
but because when i feel
the growl in my stomach
i remember that i'm human

i turn down meals
not because i want to be thin
but because i want something
to feel
to grasp onto
so i forget about
the loneliness in my heart
and the void in my soul

dear mom... stop assuming


dear mom,
i'm not "just sulking"
when i stay in my room until noon.
i'm trying to work up the courage
to face another day.

dear mom,
i'm not "being moody"
when i stay silent for days.
i'm afraid that if i speak,
the tears i've bottled up
will come spilling out.

dear mom,
i'm not "being difficult"
when i don't eat the dinners you make.
i just don't have an appetite
because of my anxiety.

dear mom,
you think it's just a phase,
a teenage normalcy.
but it's more than that.
i'm scared to go to sleep
because of the dreams i conjure up.
i'm scared to wake up
because my thoughts consume me.
i'm afraid of myself.

dear mom,
this isn't normal.
this isn't okay.
you should know better
and give me
help

just keep trying


it's okay to cry
i'm told this, but do i believe it? no, no i don't. if i cry, then it's like displaying how much of a failure i am. if i cry, i am shouting to the world "i am not okay!" and if i cry, someone will take responsibility and i will burden them even more. so my tears stay unshed even when i ache to let them out. instead i cry into the darkness of night when no one can hear me. i cry when i am alone because if someone saw me they would think me weak. i reject help because i should be able to handle this on my own. i push away others because i can't bear to let them down. i have to be okay.

but i will shout it to the world. i am not okay. i am not okay. i am not okay.
and that's okay.
because i keep trying. i...

i love you, but i can't love myself


i'll give my world to you
i'll give you all my heart
all my love
because you deserve it

i'll stand you up
tell you to stay strong
tell you that you're beautiful
because it's true

but when time comes to look in the mirror
i don't see the love i give
i only see my too-thin frame
and the battle scars

i tell you that you need to take care of yourself
but my body is a wasteland
i tell you that you can win your battles
but mine stay unfought

i'm so quick to say
i love you
but i cannot bear to say
i love myself

#SelfHateSelfLove - my mind can't slow down - Prompt #1 + Prompt #3


i lay in my room
alone.
my head pounds,
my hands shake,
my eyes cry
the tears i can't let out in the light of day.

thoughts swarm my head,
paralyzing.
what did i do wrong?
why am i worthless?
so many questions
that invade my mind and do not relent.

i hate my mind.
i hate my thoughts.
i hate how fast they
race
race
race.
i hate that i can't control
the demons that plague me.

i hate that all i can think of is
what i did wrong.
i hate that all i can remember
is why i am worthless.
i hate hate hate
that i struggle to drag myself out of bed
because my mind tells me
that i am not worth another day.

my thoughts cannot be silenced
but i can ignore them.
my mind cannot slow down
but i can focus on something else.

i hate my mind.
i hate my thoughts.
i hate...

why am i not enough for him


he says i am beautiful
he says i am perfect
he says i am kind and smart and creative

i'm not.
i am just Me
and that isn't enough

i am made of shame
and hurt
and sorrow

i have not enough room for compassion because i am filled with regrets

but he still says
i love you

no mama i am not your daughter i am your child | #aprilaprilapril


"do you want that haircut to make you look like a boy?"
mama asks me. mama asks if i wanna be a boy with sadness in her voice. no mama no i don't. i wanna be a person, i don't wanna have a label based on what's in my pants. no mama i wanna live outside boy and girl. mama mama you said i am your daughter, you said i am she she she. no mama i am they they they. no mama i don't wanna look like a boy because since when did a haircut define my identity? no mama i don't owe you femininity, and no mama i don't owe you masculinity because someday you'll realize i am somewhere in the middle. no mama no mama i am not your daughter and i am not your son. i am your child.

"you're your mother's daughter"
papa tells me. papa thinks i'm her. no papa no i'm not. she...

I Love You

    I love you. Three simple words. Three beautiful, awful words. Three words Eden was too afraid to say. She had tried too many times for her to count, but she never could truly say them. To her, those weren't simply comforting words to say to a partner, they were a promise. If Eden said those words, she would be giving herself away, and God knows how well that went last time. Last time. Last time she uttered I love you, she had been betrayed, used, and thrown to the curb. Last time had made her afraid of hooded men and jumpy at every touch.
    Eden wanted to tell Sage I love you, but then she would remember Kai with his wandering hands and his fiery eyes. I love you was forced out of Eden, leaving her with suspicious bruises. I tripped, she would explain as Kai's hand squeezed her shoulder with an iron...

dear e, this is all for you


dear e,
there's a reason i wait to cry until i am alone because if i can't let anyone in, i can't let anyone down. there's a reason i plaster a smile on my face and laugh when all i want to do is collapse into tears. there's a reason i only am good whenever you ask. there's a reason why i cannot talk to you, and there's a reason why i hoard my thoughts until i am ready to explode. i bottle it up for you. i cry myself to sleep for you. i cope the only way i know how, for you. because if i won't let you in, i won't let you down.
love, r

i don't know my name #MyName


i don't know my name
i don't know what i want to be called
i don't know

do i want to be Rowan
confident but shy
so sure of myself
they

do i want to be HelpMe
exists only online
and is made of my best parts
kind and helpful and creative
they/she

do i want to be Morgan
introverted and anxious
can never sleep and can never stay awake
hidden away from everyone i love
she

do i want to be River
young and quiet and
alone
he

i just want to be Me
but
who
am
i

is this love?


is this what love is

when someone never stops caring
even when all hope seems to be lost

when someone is so
devoted
that they put their life on hold
just to make you smile

when someone never gives up on you
even when you
have given up on yourself

when someone wipes away your tears
with just a few words
and makes you forget
about your troubles
for just a moment

i think this is love

Sometimes what we say isn't what we mean


"You okay?"
Obviously not, if I'm sitting here wiping my tears away. Why bother asking if you only expect a cookie cutter answer?
"Oh, yeah I'm fine."

"How've you been?"
I'm barely surviving. I can't look myself in the mirror, lest I see what a monster I have become. My grades are slipping, and my relationships are being broken as we speak. I'm awful.
"I'm doing good, you?"

"Well, talk to you later."
No. Please don't leave me. I can't be alone anymore. Please save me from my thoughts. Don't go. Don't go. I don't want to be lonely again. Please don't go.
"Yeah, see you later."

where are you when i am alone


mom
why did you leave me
when i needed you most

there's a reason i hugged you tight
and curled up into you
i need you here mom

why did you go upstairs
we're only a floor apart
but it feels like miles.

mom
why did you leave me
to wallow in my thoughts

the loneliness is creeping in
i hate being alone'
i need you here mom

it's not your fault
you didn't know
how much i hate the dark

but please
don't
leave
yet

mom

i can't tell you why
just please
don't
leave
yet

i hate being
alone

i have to be alone but i don't want to


in the darkness
i lay surrounded
by nothing

in the night
i lay thinking
about everything

there is no one
here

my woes are too
large
for one person
but there is no one
here

why must i be left
alone
to suffer

i cannot speak up
i cannot reach out

i am simply
alone

i am the monster i try to hide


what is this aching
in my heart

what is this void
in my soul

what is this brokenness
in my mind

i am a monster
i am alone
i am nothing
and everything

what is this
in me
that makes me
like
this

breathe......


breathe

breathe deep
to soothe
your broken mind

breathe

breathe slow
to calm
your racing heart

breathe

breathe out
to still
your shaking hands

breathe

breathe steady
to hide
your awful panic

just breathe

Sometimes what we say isn't what we mean Pt. 2


"You seem a little down today, what's up?"
Wow, very perceptive. It's not like I've been like this for months and you only now care enough to notice. You wonder where my energy is, but maybe I never had any to begin with. I suppose now I should go back behind my mask and perform for you because all I am is layers of expectations.
"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong."

"You're just never so quiet."
Because Before I was strong enough to fake my smiles and perform. Now, that has been taken away and I can't let out a sound in fear of incriminating myself. I bet you wouldn't talk either if every damn time you break down into tears.
"Seriously, I'm fine, don't worry."

"Oh okay. So did you hear..."
There you go, talking talking talking. Why did you believe me? Why? And now I have to force that smile, and talk about you. You. You only care...

Memories Come Alive

Terra kept her eyes on the doctor in front of her, but out of the corner of her eye, she could see Ram lurking in the corner. She blinked, trying not to focus on him, but her eyes wandered towards him anyways.
    "Terra?" the doctor (her name was Melinda but everyone called her Mel) said tilting her head slightly.
    Terra's eyes snapped back to Mel. She didn't say anything, but glanced back at Ram anxiously.
    "Who is it this time?" Mel asked, looking into the corner where Terra was staring.
    Terra said nothing and lowered her head so she couldn't see either person. She knew she shouldn't look at Ram because it made her seem crazy, and she silently chastised herself for slipping up.
    "Terra?" Mel stooped so she was looking straight into Terra's eyes. "Who?"
    "Ram," Terra whispered.
    Mel nodded and scribbled something on her pad of paper. She was always scribbling...

Love is (-un-)conditional #hopecontest1

River hunched over his computer screen, cringing at every word he read. Emery, age 19, brutally beaten after coming out as transgender, read the headline. River didn't want to read further, but it was like watching a train wreck; you just can't look away. He wondered vaguely if that could happen to him if he ever came out.
    "Ra-chel!" came a shriek from the other room. River heard footsteps rapidly coming towards him, and he sighed and shut his computer before anyone could see what he was reading.
    "Rachel! Mom wants to talk to you downstairs!" River's ten-year-old brother, Zach, yelled as he barged into River's room. "Whatcha doing?" he said in true little brother fashion.
    "None of your business," River said, throwing a pillow at Zach. "Now get outta my room." He was playing with Zach, but he was secretly panicking. What did Mom want to talk about? Did she find one of his social...

for those who lost their way

this is for all the people who
lost their way
and feel like the battle can not be won

wherever you are
just stop
breathe
read this aloud

i am worth it
i will not stop fighting
my life is worth a thousand times what i imagine
i will not stop fighting
to live

because you
whoever you are
you are beautiful
you deserve better
you
are
loved

whatever you did
you made a mistake
and that's okay
it's okay
to make
mistakes

it'll be okay
you're okay
i'm okay

Just another name

If I said the name Connor Vale, would it mean anything to you? Should it? The answer is no to both of those questions. For you at least. If you asked me those same questions, I would have a very different answer. Because Connor Vale is not just another name. Connor Vale is not just some character. To you, he may be a fictional name, but to me he is more than that. All the pain he's experienced, I've had to go through with him. The grief, sorrow, and suffering he's endured, I've had to be there with him. I've had to be him. It's different for a writer. The characters aren't just people you empathize with, they are people you become. Connor Vale isn't a tragic story you read and put down, Connor Vale lives in me. He's not just another name; he is me.

What's your opinion on interrobangs?!


I got into an argument online with someone about interrobangs. They said that it wasn't a "proper" punctuation mark, but I believe it is. I use it a lot, and I don't see why such an expressive mark could be incorrect. What do you think? If you don't know what an interrobang is, it's the combination of a question mark and exclamation point. Here it is typed: "?!"
    Also, while I'm on the topic, do you put the question mark first in an interrobang, or the exclamation point? I put the question mark first always, but I've heard that's wrong too, so I want to see your opinions.

let's spread our wings and fly away from hate


we are birds in the sky
flying in a flock of gray

but the other birds hate us
because we are different

our feathers are emblazoned with colors
that are more beautiful than anything

but we fly in the back of the flock
alone in our misery

they strip us of our color
and our beauty is beaten out of us

they break our wings
and dye our colors a mottled gray

when our colors break out of the gray paint
beaks tear at our flesh until we we submit

but when we are together
we fly in our own flock

our colors shine
and we are free

my colors are
blue
yellow
pink

what are yours
because together
we are more powerful
more beautiful
than ever before

Grammie #Samina50


i barely remember your face
yet i can see you
with your sparkling eyes
and proud smile

you held me when i was just a child
and whispered stories
as i fell asleep
curled up in your arms

i remember you playing with me
behind the couch
building with lego bricks
and creating cities
just for us

suddenly everything was changed
in just an instant
when you had to go
to the hospital
every day

i remember climbing onto your lap
during your last moments
you held my hand
but you weren't there

my mother sat me down the very next day
and explained why
i couldn't visit you anymore
why you were going away
to the clouds

i had only known you
for a few years
but you were my definition
of love
of care

i wish you were still here
to see the person i've become
you would have been
so proud

i miss you
Grammie

my beginning and my end, for those i hope you're there


you are my beginning
my end
my in between

you dont know it yet
but you are who i live for

your shy glances
your voice like honey
your bubbly laugh

i wish i could
hold you

i wish you could
tell me its alright

we cant
not because my heart wavers
but because we are a sin

to my eyes you are perfect
to their eyes you are a monster

simply because
youre yourself

i never said it was fair
but why does it have to keep us apart
why should i
stay away from who i love
because of them

you are perfect
to me
you are my beginning
and i hope youre there
for the end

The Crown of Flowers - Chapter 7

Chapter 7    
    "No!" Zayrian screamed, scrambling after the wight that was headed for Rowan. He flicked his sword out, but Myuk'thaal* was too fast. Zayrian's blade barely missed him, and the wight was unharmed as he made a beeline towards Rowan. Zayrian judged he had a few seconds at most before Myuk'thaal engaged Rowan. Off balance from his first attack, he ran after Myuk'thaal slower than he would have liked.
    "Aspen! Do something!" he yelled frantically. He knew that he didn't have enough time, but maybe Aspen could use her magic to at least slow Myuk'thaal.
    Aspen didn't seem to hear him; she just stood with her mouth agape. Her face was frozen in an expression of horror.
    Rowan, on the other hand, had his sword at the ready. He could hold his own against the strongest opponent, but Zayrian feared that the wight could only be killed with magic, which only Aspen and Zayrian had...

destiny and luck have brought us together to conquer the world #gbluck


it was destiny to meet you
but it's luck that allows me to see your face every morning.

it was destiny that i saw you in the coffee shop
with your emerald eyes
and infectious laugh

it's luck that i managed to talk to you
and that you said yes
to a date

it was our destiny to find each other

it's luck that we find each other again each day

i must be the luckiest person alive
because destiny brought you to me

The Crown of Flowers - Chapter 6

Chapter 6
    Zayrian stepped backwards as the huge door opened. It seemed to slide back into a hollow portion of the wall until there was a virtually seamless opening. No one dared to enter for fear that they would never return. Inside the cave opening, Zayrian could see a hallway that led far into the mountain. The monster must have been at the end, along with the sword.
    "Well? What are we waiting for?" Zayrian said, taking a deep breath. He wasn't afraid, exactly, but he was apprehensive. Before, he had been confident of their abilities, but now he was starting to feel the danger of this quest. Now that the door was open, the mountain had even more of an evil aura, and Zayrian figured it must have been messing with their heads.
    Both Aspen and Rowan stood frozen at the entrance. Finally, Rowan gulped and stepped forward so he was side by side with Zayrian. "May...

a tribute to the characters who are no longer with us


every name every face
every broken heart i write about
are within me
and are real
to me

the deaths that rock their worlds
rock mine as well
because they are all real
to me

i mourn for lives lost
i celebrate the victorious
and i hold each story inside me
because these people who suffer
these people who win and lose and fight
are real
to me

these are the ones i mourn
in my heart
because they are real
all are real
to me

mia was a victim
an innocent child who lost to evil
and i mourn her

andrei was a hero
who sacrificed his life for others
and i honor him

josh was a friend
who changed lives
and i cry for him

oliver was an orphan
who didn't deserve to die so young
and i am filled with anguish for him

lillian was a warrior
who fought the worst opponent of them all - herself ...

Just Ace Things


my idea of a love story
is curling up on the couch,
watching a movie.

my idea of a love story
is holding you tight
and never letting go.

my idea of a love story
is holding hands on the beach
as we laugh together.

my idea of love
is not how you look
but how much you care.

my idea of love
is two people who will support each other
even through the toughest times.

maybe my idea of love is unrealistic.
maybe i'll never get that love story.
but it's just ace things

The Never Children

I silently slip out from under the stark white blankets covering my bed. I'm acutely aware of the little camera in the corner of my room. I had to move quickly before the Rats tried to force me back into their little test tube.
    By Rats I mean the scientists who experiment on us day after day. We call them Lab Rats, or Rats for short, because they always stick their noses in places they don't belong, and they're always scurrying around their lab like the rodents they are. Besides, it's nice to have someone else be the lab rat for once.
    Moving as quick as I could without being heard, I threw on some clothes that had my number - F586 - stamped across them. Usually I would press a button and my door would slide open, but tonight I pried it open, one of my nails breaking in the process. I bit back a curse and...

days melt away revealing the pain that lies in every moment


the days bleed by at a steady pace.
i do the same thing,
the same damned thing day after day.

the days blend together.
hours mixing with each other
until i don't know the day.

the nights are worse.
they snatch sleep away
and force me to live every second.

the nights are too long.
the days are a mess.
my heart cries out
for the day to end
and for me to sleep.

but i count every moment
because sleep
will not show its face

The Crown of Flowers - Chapter 5 (REVIEWS NEEDED)

Chapter 5
     The first part of their journey went by without much excitement. Aspen navigated them through the forest first, and then they reached the Plains of Boer. These plains were nothing more than a vast expanse of grass, with little else. Occasionally they ran into a fox or a winged creature Aspen called a goose. Many of the various animals they encountered neither Zayrian or Rowan had ever seen before.
    "It's just a buffalo," Aspen had said when they saw an enormous, shaggy animal wandering the plains. Both boys had drawn their weapons and back away in fright when the mass of hair and muscle had approached them. Aspen just laughed and petted the buffalo's nose.
    Gradually, Zayrian got used to the foreign scenery and animals. At first he was frightened at every new thing, but he soon got over it and started to appreciate the beauty of what he saw before him. Flowers unlike any...

To Kill a Mockingbird Final Essay (Please give feedback it's for school)


Hey so I have a final essay on To Kill a Mockingbird due soon and I want to know what I need to change, because school's out for a few weeks, but my english teacher still wants us to write this thing. I'm pretty bad at writing essays so any and all feedback is very much appreciated.
Prompt: Based on To Kill a Mockingbird and A Part of the Sky, write an essay explaining the similarities between Walter Cunningham and Robert Peck. Be sure to use information from BOTH excerpts to develop your essay.

Essay:
    Walter Cunningham from the book To Kill a Mockingbird, and Robert Peck from A Part of the Sky are very similar to one another. Both stories take place during the Great Depression, and these two characters are similar because they both are farmers in the Great Depression, are very poor, and need money.
    The first way they are similar is that both...

When I was younger (Don't mind me, I'm just reminiscing)

    When I was younger, I could create entire universes in my head. Now, I know to write them down. When I was younger, I had imaginary friends. Now, I just call them OCs. I would play pretend with my brother and we would make plotlines with our blocks and toys. During the night, I wouldn't sleep because I'd be thinking of what if's and imagining things.
    My favorite memory is of my imaginary friend Workerman Joe. I had a toy that looked just like him, and I would spend days having made up conversations with him. There was Teriyaki, another imaginary friend who got her name from one of my favorite foods. I fondly remember Tandoori Chicken, who was my brother's imaginary girlfriend. My mom needed a raise from putting up with us.
    I would spend days with my stuffed animals, having parties and creating little scenarios. My brother and I called it...

The interesting adaptation of language through social media

 For years, we've been taught to use "traditional grammar". For years, we've communicated using precise rules that could never be broken. For years, grammar has been the foundation of every letter, every message, and every essay. But what if I told you that teens have been reinventing the grammar rules? It's true. Go to any app like tumblr, instagram, or even simple text messages. You rarely ever see the "traditional" way of typing. Instead, you'll see a mishmash of capitals, seemingly random punctuation, and lots and lots of shortened words.
    The key to this "new" way of communicating is surprisingly simple. It's all about imitating speech. If you see a sentence like this: "Yes, I really love this movie and I think it's very funny." then you'll know what they're saying, but you would have no idea how it's being said, and you'd also think it sounds a bit like a robot. Now, if you see a sentence like...

As if thoughts and prayers will solve the world's issues


    "Thoughts and prayers". Just another saying on just another post. Thoughts and prayers are sent, and then all thoughts are put out of their minds and they go about their business like it's just another day. And it is. For them. But for us, it's like the world has fallen apart and no amount of thoughts and prayers can fix it. For us, each moment is earth-shaking because we know that the world is broken, and yet we still need to keep living. Every second is a landslide of memories and heartache. They would never understand that their thoughts and prayers don't reassure us because we know that we were their community service project for the day. We were their good deed to let them into whatever afterlife. They try to make themselves feel better by "helping" us, but if they wanted to help, they wouldn't give us only thoughts and prayers, they would at least make an effort to...

why should i ask myself why when i can ask how


why should i play into this game of cat and mouse with my heart

why should i give in to this voice
that tells me to stop being so
dramatic

why should i
someone who just wants to have one goddamn moment of peace
have to take all the hate that i give myself

why should i leave myself in the pieces i broke into

why should i

the real question is
how can i

how can i pick myself back up

how can i restore my heart so that i'm whole again

how can i live my life
free

Anyone else on lockdown because of coronavirus?


My state is currently in a state of emergency, and school has been cancelled for a full two weeks. Some other districts in my area have even closed schools and such for a full month. Everything's being cancelled, and when we went to the store, the shelves were literally empty. I assume a lot of places are like that, especially in Europe, but everything just shut down overnight, so it's a pretty big shock. I'm concerned about the safety of attending events and what would happen if I do happen to contract the virus? Anyone else have any input?

Rant - Transphobia, school, and bullying

So, I was in class this morning and something happened that just triggered me so much. We were working in groups for a project involving some writing online. Cool, right? Well, in my group was my friend who's trans, I'll call him Leo (not his real name), and a kid who is super annoying and super rude. The rude kid, let's call him Kyle (again not his real name), is just super nasty to everyone. So we all get on the google doc, and of course, Leo's deadname is on his google account since he's not old enough to legally change it. So Kyle looks at his name on the doc, and then at Leo and then starts yelling "her name is [deadname]?" and just starts deadnaming him. I was livid. One other person in the group starts trying to explain that Leo's trans, but Kyle isn't having it and starts ragging on Leo, calling him "her"...

This is my life #LGBTQPersonal

    Imagine being an outsider in your own body. Imagine feeling like you don't belong in your own family. Imagine being afraid to love because some people don't agree with you. Imagine not being allowed to be comfortable in your own body.
    That's my life. An outcast, a fake, a performance. By day I masquerade as a "normal" christian girl and at night I pray to be able to show myself. A hodgepodge of labels and hate. Some labels are given by me: Panromantic Asexual Some are given by my parents: Tomboy and Confused. Some labels are said with love: Christian. Some are said with disdain: Queer. I cover my labels when I'm in public and I must cover them even more when I'm with family.
    In my home, I can practically feel the homophobia and transphobia. At family gatherings, I hear faint mutters of disapproval at an ad on TV with a trans man...

The girl in her room was told to be beautiful but she could never oblige #126

  
     There's a girl. The girl's in her room, alone. The night is closing in on her and she doesn't know what to do. She's laying awake in her bed, music playing in her ears. The music tells her to be beautiful. The music tells her she's strong. She feels otherwise. She plays the forbidden song over her earbuds because if her parents were to hear, they would be worried. Tears spring into her eyes because she knows the song is her life. The song is her emotions put to words. She wipes them away quickly so that no one could ever know she had been crying. But she is alone, so it doesn't matter. She won't go to sleep tonight. She is overwhelmed by thoughts. Not even music could let her escape. She will not sleep tonight, only lay in her room, alone, crowded by her thoughts.

The Devil Inside

    My mother lay in the hospital bed, the machine that made her live beeping in a steady rhythm. I tenderly held her cold hand. A mask was tightened around her face so I couldn't see her beautiful features. Her eyes were shut, and her chest rose and fell slowly.
    "Mom…" I whispered, leaning my head down to her ear. "Mom, I should have done better."
    There was no response. Not that I expected one.
    "It's just… I didn't know," my voice broke, and I had to choke back a sob. "This is all my fault, please I'd do anything.     Anything," my voice lowered to barely a breath. "Anything to have you back."
    Tears rolled down my face and I rested my forehead on my mother's chest. I should have taken better care of her. Maybe if I hadn't run away with that girl… maybe then she wouldn't have had to leave work to take care of my brother and then...

we tell lies every day and no one cares enough to contradict us


every day we tell lies.

"i'm doing good"

"i'm just tired"

"i don't need help"

even when it's clear as day
everyone is too afraid to point out our lies

"leave me alone"
show me you care enough to stay

"i'm fine"
please help me

but our hidden meanings are never shown
because we have be fine
.
.
.
right?

there's too much *noise*

i'm in class
noise surrounds me
so much noise
i hold my head
cover my ears
but the noise won't go away

it's d e a f e n i n g

i tuck my knees up to my chest
hold my head
it's too much
the noise won't go away

my eyes wild
my face hot
i jump at
every
sound
every
movement

no one asks if i'm okay
maybe they do
i don't hear them
i just hear
noise

clench my jaw
grip my pen
don't cry

too much noise
i'm
gone
now

a gentle hand
a soft embrace
she is close
hugging me to her
i collapse
into her comforting whispers

everything will be okay

Still He Walks | #writerswords2 prompt 1 |

    
    Through the rain he walks, the drops beating on the back of his head. The water runs through his hair, pressing it flat against his head. It isn’t a gentle summer’s rain, but a vicious, autumn gale. The wind seems to have hands, pushing at him with great force. He doesn’t try to stop it; he just let’s himself get battered by the storm. Thick, dark clouds cover the sky, making the night pitch dark.
    Still he walks, though all forces of nature are against him. Each step is a struggle and each breath labored. Tree branches slash at his arms and lightning strikes painfully close to him. He just pushes his hair out of his eyes and keeps walking. His feet are drawn to the ground by mud and his face stung by tiny balls of ice.
And still he walks, getting up each time the wind blows him over. His jacket offers little protection against the...

the girl in her room has so many thoughts but she cannot control the ones that come

    Again, the girl lays alone in her room. She's curled up into a ball, hugging a stuffed rabbit. It smells like lavender. She breathes in the scent, if only to control her ragged breath. Her head isn't on a pillow. The blanket wraps around her in a cocoon, and soft music plays in her ears. Her body shakes and with every thought, she squeezes her stuffed rabbit tighter. She doesn't care how childish it is. She thinks of school, her parents, herself before she can stop herself from thinking. Her head hurts, her stomach aches, her breath cannot be controlled as she thinks about all the mistakes. She thinks that the worst mistake was herself. The music, she must focus on the music. Think of love, think of friends, think of how joyful they were to see you. Her breath calms and her muscles relax. The piano music is still playing and she thinks of each note until...

#Helpme2020 Contest RESULTS!!

First off, I had so much fun reading all your stories and judging them. They were all so good and it was very difficult to judge them. Thank you so much if you submitted one, and even if you didn't win, you still did a fantastic job. Reminders of the prizes will be at the end. Without further ado, here are the winners:

Prompt 1: A Child's Eyes

1st place:
 birthday wishes don't always come true #Helpme2020 by aditi
I absolutely loved this piece. The ignorance of the child, and all that she went through at such a young age gave me chills. I especially thought details like the dad commenting on her mom going to hell made it even more haunting and realistic. Congratulations!

2nd place: flowers die when picked #Helpme2020 by PureHeart
This is so sad, but so well written. I love the bond you portrayed between the mother and child, and the flower at her funeral...

#Helpme2020 Contest UPDATE!! (Read if you entered)

Hello all! If you entered my contest, #Helpme2020, please read this to ensure I got your submission. Submissions are now closed, and I will begin to judge. Please tell me if I missed any entries or messed up links, and please be patient as I read them. Results should be up in a few days to a week. Thank you all for participating!
Here are the submissions I have:
Prompt 1:
birthday wishes don't always come true #helpme2020 - aditi
lost in a grocery store #Helpme2020 - Dmoral13
in and out of the clouds (revised) #Helpme2020 #MagicalRealism - Wicked!
flowers die when picked #Helpme2020 - PureHeart

Prompt 2:
It is just another stormy day in the city of Psicopatica except today, a tree with emerald leaves is growing on topaz landscape #SecondPerspective #Helpme2020 - Tushar Mandhan
When she loved me #Helpme2020 - Find_Myself_In_The_Flames
Without Love They Would Die - Shining_Star
Tower | #Helpme2020 - .amelia.
un-condition-al /love/ - Dmoral13
Wholehearted...

broken pens and spattered ink all so i can write free


the ink smudges my hands as it flows from the pen that bleeds words onto the paper.

guilt
hate
broken


the words seem to write themselves ink the pool of ink from my pen.

afraid
mistakes
regret


the words do not stop i snap my pen but the ink keeps coming i tear the paper but the words leak onto my desk and creep up the walls until my room is a mess of words words words they keep coming they do not stop the words do not stop
the words do not stop

i am covered in ink
and then i realize
the words will never stop coming but i can control them.

so i write
love
acceptance

growth

i will be okay

A weird dream that I remember in vivid detail - 2/29/20


    I'm at a friend's house on a cold, February evening. Her mother bids us good night and disappears into a room up the stairs. My friend (her name is Luna) yells a goodnight back at her as we lounge on the couch below. When we're sure her mother is sound asleep, Luna cracks the door open and a rush of cold air hits us. The night is pitch black, and I am clothed in only a sweatshirt and jeans. I shiver and step into the cold. Luna quietly closes the door behind us and waves me over to a figure waiting on the sidewalk.
    "Come on!" she whispers to the boy, and he follows her. It's her boyfriend, Tristan.
    I follow the pair as we walk to a mall close by. Lights flash and advertisements scream into my face. The bright store lights are almost blinding compared to the moonlight we were guided by before. Tristan...

Things I wish I could tell her


You are not worthless.
You matter to me
more than you could ever know.

You are not stupid.
You are more creative and talented
than they could ever see.

You are not a bad friend.
You are one of the reasons
that I am alive.

You are not weak.
You push through day after day
and still come out on top.

You are not nothing.
You inspire me to keep going.
You are the light in my world.
You matter to me
more than you could ever know.

Question - The Crown of Flowers

Okay, hi again. I need some advice for a project I'm working on. The characters are going to go on a journey, and my question is how long or short should I make the travel scenes? I'd like at least one chapter to be dedicated to it, and that chapter will be mostly dialogue that helps the characters to grow closer and to explain some of the characters' backstories. However, I'm afraid that if I make it too long, the reader will get bored, and if I make it too short, the story will be too fast paced. What's the optimal length for a travel scene? Keep in mind, after the travel scene there will be a lot of action and then another travel scene. Thanks!

I'll be with you forever | #Poemsofsouls |


When I was born,
my mother held me and said,
I will be with you, forever and always.
I will be with you, my baby, forever.

When I was crying,
my mother hugged me and said,
I will be with you, forever and always.
I will be with you, my baby, forever.

When I was anxious,
she stood by me and said,
I will be with you, forever and always.
I will be with you, my baby, forever.

When she grew old,
she still held me and said,
I will be with you, forever and always.
I will be with you, my baby, forever.

In her final breath,
she held my hand and said,
I will be with you, forever and always.
I will be with you, my baby, forever.

When she was gone,
I looked up and said,
You will be with me, forever and always.
You will be with me, my mother, forever.

My First Contest! #Helpme2020


Hello! I've been looking to practice reviewing, and I love to read others' work, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to start a contest! This is my very first contest ever, so I don't expect too many entries but I hope the prompts are interesting enough. Please comment any questions. Without further ado, let's see the prompts!

Prompt 1: A Child's Eyes
In this prompt, you will write a piece from the perspective of a child from infancy to age six. How does the child perceive the world? What ordinary things seem extraordinary to them? What do they understand about the world? Let your imagination run wild!
Word limit: 1 - 3000

Prompt 2: Unconditional Love
In honor of Valentine's day coming up, this prompt is simply about unconditional love. Whether it be between partners, family, friends, or a pet, write a piece about how love can change the world. This can be your own experience or fictional.
Word...

It'll Be Okay | #Poemsofsouls |


He would walk in the door before class
With a great big smile across his face.
He would laugh with me.
He would be there for me.
It was always this way.
He was the joyous spark
That could brighten my day.

He walked in the door before class
With a shaky, nervous smile on his face.
He laughed with me.
But it wasn't quite right.

He sat at our table at lunch
And I asked him what was the matter.
He shook his head at me
And turned away.

He walked in the door the next day
His eyes were brimming with tears.
So I asked him what was the matter.
He took a deep breath and whispered,

You see, it's my father.
He's been sick now for months.
You see, now he's gone.
My father, my world, is now gone.

I raced to his side
and said "It'll be okay".
I knew he was hurting.
I couldn't let...

The Crown of Flowers - Chapter 4

Chapter 4
    "Ah, the son of Kyrian," a low, gritty voice said in a long drawl.
    The voice came from a hooded figure that sat cross-legged on the ground before Zayrian. The folds of a dark brown cloak covered his entire body, obscuring his face. On either side of him, two others sat in the same position. One donned a deep mahogany cloak, and the other wore a blue cloak that seemed to change color like the sea. They all sat around the same symbol that Zayrian saw on the door.
    "Come in, Zayrian. We have much to discuss," The one in the mahogany cloak said. Her voice was warm and smooth like fresh honey.
    Zayrian stepped through the threshold, jumping as the door behind him slammed shut. He wondered why it was an old-fashioned door instead of one of those magical disappearing doors. Perhaps it was because a regular door looked grander. Shaking his head, he...

Survey - The Crown of Flowers

Ok hi so quick question about the new project I'm working on. I want to have a subtle love interest between two characters - Rowan and Zayrian. My question is: Is this part too forward or is it not forward enough to suggest a love interest? Here's the excerpt:

    They kept up their match until Zayrian had his blade at Rowan's heart. "I yield," Rowan conceded.
    Zayrian smiled smugly and lowered his sword. All of a sudden, he found himself on the ground, grass tickling his face. Rowan had lashed out with his feet and knocked Zayrian over. "No fair!" Zayrian protested amidst laughter.
    Rowan rolled to face Zayrian and blushed. The golden light reflected off his brown hair so it looked like Zayrian was glowing. Zayrian sensed the heat in Rowan's cheeks and against his will, his cheeks reddened too. They laid next to each other on the ground for a moment, dappled in sunlight.
    Before...

The Crown of Flowers - Chapter 3 (Illustrations!)

Chapter 3    
    Zayrian awoke in a cold, damp cell. The first thing he noticed was that he couldn't see. Not just because it was dark, but it was like the time when his sight had not yet been restored. He grabbed for the pendant that always hung around his neck, but his hand only hit air. He took a panicked breath, and he searched the floor around him with his hands. He found nothing except a cold floor.
    "Ah, the mighty warrior  is awake!" A voice from behind Zayrian said, their voice laced with mocking.
    "Where is my necklace?" Zayrian demanded as he wheeled to face his mysterious captor.
    "You will get your sight back in time, my friend." They said friend in the same, mocking tone. "But first, let's have a little chat, shall we?"
    Although he couldn't see, Zayrian could hear just fine. He growled and lunged at his captor. Suddenly, a sharp...

When words are a weapon, what is my shield?


Their words are sharpened blades that cut deep into my soul.
The pain they cause will hurt for years.
And the scars they leave won't fade.
When words are like sharpened spears,
What can be my shield?
What will be my kevlar vest
For words that pierce like bullets?
How could I defend against
The words that are daggers in the dark?

The Crown of Flowers - Chapter 2

Chapter 2
    The wind roared across the open field, deafeningly loud. Rain had begun to hammer down, turning what would have been a perfect battlefield into a muddy, slippery mess. Atop the largest hill stood a lone warrior, wearing only simple leather armor, a necklace, and a blindfold. His hair stuck to his forehead and curled around his ears, giving him an almost feral look.
    Zayrian gripped his sword, the rain making it hard for him to see the incoming army. He could only faintly hear the marching of the Empire's soldiers. His stomach roiled, but he stood firm atop the hill. The rest of the village had left as quickly as they could, so Zayrian was left alone to defend a ghost town.
    Suddenly, the rumbling of the marching quieted. The only sound was wind whistling in Zayrian's ears. He stood as tall as he could and raised his sword. Then, out of the fog, a small...

The Crown of Flowers - Prologue/Chapter 1

Prologue
    Rubble crashed all around Zayrian, and he clung to his mother for dear life. He buried his face into her shirt, afraid to see what the Empire had done to their village. His mother whispered comforting words into his mop of dark hair, but her voice was shaky. "It's gonna be okay, baby." she said, stroking his hair over his ears so he wouldn't have to listen to the chaos around them.
    Zayrian was unconvinced, but he let himself try to disappear into his mother's lap. A scream rang out, jagged and full of terror. He squeezed his eyes shut, and his mother clamped her hands around his unusually shaped ears. They huddled like that together in his bedroom, hoping the Empire wouldn't notice them.
    Heavy footsteps clambered toward them. Zayrian's mother held him so tight, he thought he might be crushed. A bark echoed through the halls, and Zayrian's mother couldn't help but let out a...

The girl in her room was told to be beautiful but she could never oblige #126

  
     There's a girl. The girl's in her room, alone. The night is closing in on her and she doesn't know what to do. She's laying awake in her bed, music playing in her ears. The music tells her to be beautiful. The music tells her she's strong. She feels otherwise. She plays the forbidden song over her earbuds because if her parents were to hear, they would be worried. Tears spring into her eyes because she knows the song is her life. The song is her emotions put to words. She wipes them away quickly so that no one could ever know she had been crying. But she is alone, so it doesn't matter. She won't go to sleep tonight. She is overwhelmed by thoughts. Not even music could let her escape. She will not sleep tonight, only lay in her room, alone, crowded by her thoughts.

Pride


Pride
Is what I need.
I shouldn’t hide
In these shadows anymore.
Pride
Will be the death of me.
I shouldn’t tell
Who I really am.
Pride
Is a part of me.
I shouldn’t run
From the things that define me.

Help! I need some name ideas!

So, I'll make this brief. I'm working on a new character that I want to be the main character of a novel-length story. It's quite a lofty goal, and to make it possible, I need some ideas for how to make this character really stand out. I mostly need a name for this character, and perhaps names for his family and peers. So without further ado, let's get into this character shall we?

Name:
None yet. I was thinking something sharp like a "Z" name to reflect his sharp personality.

Personality:
Mostly very calm and mature when he's with his family, but when he's in battle, he can be fierce and merciless. While interacting with strangers, he is quick to anger and not afraid to be violent. He can mostly contain his constant fury, but the few times he gets worked up, he can destroy and kill. He is soft with his friends and family, but to his enemies...

Father's Love | #bemine(1) |

    
    Cautiously, Michael lifted his tear-streaked face from his pillows to see his father looming over him, beer bottle in hand. Michael instantly scrambled towards the door. His father said something, but his words were slurred and indiscernible. His father advanced, seeming to get more furious with every movement Michael made. He charged like a bull, and Michael barely had time to roll out of the way. Still, his face was sliced by an edge of the broken bottle his father held. He cried out in pain and sprinted for the door. His father was too drunk to react quickly, but after a second, he started towards Michael again.
    "Get outta here!" He said, his words slurring together. "You're no son of mine!"
    Michael quickly obliged, but it still hurt. His father used to love him, but ever since Michael's mother left when he was five, he had grown irritable. Then, he started drinking and everything went downhill...

Forest of fears


Oh how he was alone in the world,
He had no one there to guide him.
Oh how he had only shadows,
For his light was much too dim.
Every path he wandered was a struggle,
Every trail harder than the last.
The cliffs were near impossible,
Ease was a thing of the past.
He cut through thickening brush,
For his own path he would blaze.
But he was blind to the truth,
And couldn't see through the haze.
Right next to him there was a trail
That was so easy and clear.
His heart could have respite,
His mind be free of fear.
So a hand grabbed his
And tightened around him like a rope.
Oh she pulled him closer,
Onto the path she called "hope".
At first he was angry
and he started to fight.
But then he realized
That the end was in sight.
At then end of the path,
a light he did see.
The hope...

If you're having a bad day...

Okay, so if you're having a bad day or anxiety or anything like that, please please please listen to this guy called AcousticTrench. Watch that video and I guarantee your day will be a little better.

Bonus round (HelpMe512)

Ideas for Okapi's bonus round

Q&A Answers :D


Anna_19's Questions:

Do You like Taylor swift?
Yeah I'll listen to her if she comes on, but I don't really have any Taylor Swift on my playlist. That's not really my genre.

JakeFrommStateFarm's Questions:
If you could speak any language, what would it be and why?
I would speak probably spanish because it's very common, so it would be useful.
If you could play any instrument what would it be?
I would want to play piano because it seems pretty cool and it's very impressive.
What's your favorite movie of all time?
Avengers Endgame. The whole series really, but Endgame is the best. The cinematics, the story, everything is just amazing.
Which is better, Amazon or Ebay and why?
Amazon because Ebay is a little sketchy.
If you could change your name to anything with no regrets whatsoever, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't. I really like the name I have now.
Do you prefer to write poetry...

Q&A :)

Hey! I've been on this site for a little bit now, writing mediocre poetry and short stories. The thing is, I don't know many of you, and you may not know much about me. So, I'm hopping on the trend and making a Q&A! Ask me questions in the comments, and I'll try to answer them all in another piece! While you're at it, you can answer some questions too so I can learn a little about this amazing community! Questions can be about anything, they can be personal, and they can be silly or serious. Anything! I won't answer any questions regarding any info like my location, my full name, or anything that could give away my identity, but other than that fire away!

I'm excited!

My December Competition 2019

Music, Ice, and Christmas Lights


Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
   
    The words seeped through the walls of my room, and I curled the blanket around me tighter. I buried my face farther into the soft fabric. Of course Christmas music was playing. What else could be played in this frigid, dreary month? The upbeat tune kept playing from speakers down the stairs, the simple rhyme filling the air that surrounded me. I sighed in defeat and threw off the covers and trudged down the stairs.

Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
Oh what fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
    
    Yeah. Real fun. What could be more fun than cleaning for guests and putting up too-shiny decorations? I poked my head into the computer room (although my mom took it over for sewing) to see who was playing the music. My...

The birth of a storyteller in the dead of winter

    Around me, snow drifted around the air and eventually laid to rest on my bright pink coat. I buried my gloved hand in a small pile of snow and scooped it into the shape of a sphere. I dusted new snowflakes off the smooth surface of my snowball and laid it to rest in a small indentation I’d made. When I had a decent amount of snowballs, I got up and hit the slide as hard as I could with my five year old arms. With two good hits, ice broke off the structure and slid down to me. They were so clean, so perfect. I carefully selected the hardest piece of ice I could find and held it in my palm. It stuck to the fuzz on my glove. I went back to my little snowball hole and picked out one of them. Then, I set to work, shaving off little bits of the snow at a time...

Dear young man who sings for an old woman

   
    Dear young man who calls my name,
    I do not know who you are, what you are, but when you call my name from a house away it sends a chill through me. You feel familiar. I should know you, yet my memory fails me. I have yet to see your face, probably for the better. I know you come by here every day, your reasons unknown to me. You check my mail, I see you do it. The curtain of the dining room window allows me to see you, mysterious you, go through my mail and put it all back where it was. Well, mostly. One time I saw you take one. What did you do to it, young man who calls my name? Who are you?
    Sincerely, old woman down the road

    Dear young man who watches,
    Why are you still here? You watch me, but say nothing....

Why I Write

Why I write and why I'm me


Why do I write? Why do I have stories overflowing out of my soul? Why do I feel the need to put pen to paper and create? The answer is this: I write for control, and I write to bring light to the world. I write because there are characters in my mind who are real to me, and their stories must be heard. I write to vent, I write to calm myself, I write to spread beauty. There isn't enough beauty in this world of suffering and pain. I intend to bring out the best in people no matter what. I want to melt the coldest of hearts and show the most beaten of souls that there is more than dark in the world. I write to take the bounds of what is possible and destroy them completely. I write to escape reality and head into a better place. I write to contain my emotions. I write to be...

My December Competition 2019

Music, Ice, and Christmas Lights


Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
   
    The words seeped through the walls of my room, and I curled the blanket around me tighter. I buried my face farther into the soft fabric. Of course Christmas music was playing. What else could be played in this frigid, dreary month? The upbeat tune kept playing from speakers down the stairs, the simple rhyme filling the air that surrounded me. I sighed in defeat and threw off the covers and trudged down the stairs.

Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
Oh what fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
    
    Yeah. Real fun. What could be more fun than cleaning for guests and putting up too-shiny decorations? I poked my head into the computer room (although my mom took it over for sewing) to see who was playing the music. My...

Who I Am | #whoamyou |


I was the one who has a normal life.
I was the one who you can talk to.
I was the one who gets good grades.
I was the one who has a caring family.
I was the one who’s nice to everyone.
I was the one who is soft spoken.
But that is not who I am.
I am someone who has a million stories inside me.
I am someone who wants to let them out.
I am someone who carries secrets and burdens.
I am someone who can’t tell others in fear of what they’ll think of me.
I am someone who is afraid that I’m not the perfect child.
I am someone who is different.
That is who I am.

The breath of life has chosen

Who said that I’m the one who gets to survive
When so many never even got a chance?
Why am I the one who’s alive
When some are more deserving of life?
Who said I get to live
When so many others are dead?
Others had so much to give
So why am I the one who’s still alive?

O Fairy | Round Three

O fae, O fairy,
O wanderer of the night.
Would you take my hand
and let us both take flight?

O fae, O fairy,
O bane of the devil's hand.
Would you take my demons
and banish them from the land?

O fae, O fairy,
O keeper of the weak.
Would you take my wishes
and give me what I seek?

O fae, O fairy,
O you are such a gift.
I will give you my sadness
and my spirits you will lift.

Here's me | #justoneq&a |


what was the weirdest thing you've ever done as a kid?
 
hmm okay I think it was when I bit my brother because he was on top of me. He was angry that I stole his nerf dart, so I bit him to get me off :P

which bird in the area that you live in do you hate the most?
 Don't be hatin' on birds. I think all birds are wonderful. My favorite bird is a magpie, and although it's not native to where I live they seem really smart and cool.

i know what google says, but do you consider turtles to be reptiles?
 I'm no expert, but I think turtles are reptiles because they're cold blooded. I could be wrong.

what is the meaning of life? (courtesy of whoever did the #capitallettersq&a, i can't find them for the life of me.)
 It's complicated. Different people can have different meanings. I have yet to figure out my...

His Heart Like a Star | #Outerspace |


I look to the stars
and they call to me.
Their fiery power blazing
in a glorious light.
I wish I could go up
and touch them.
Live with them.
Cry with them.
For stars know no judgement,
and stars know no evil.
Their earthshaking brilliance
overpowers the darkness.
Stars shine through the night,
and comfort the weak.
Just a speck in the vast realms of space,
their light still pierces through
the curtain of night.
I have no stars under the sky
but I have a light that shines
just as bright to me.
His radiance is brighter than a star.
His radiance comes from his heart.

Alone and Afraid | #novelistofthefuture |

I am calling out,
Louder and louder
To anyone who will listen.
Yet all I hear is silence
That chills my heart
And mind
And soul.
Will no one hear me if I’m falling?
Will no one care to see me broken?
If I’m alone in this wretched world
Will no one come to help me?
Now people are surrounding me,
Yet I am alone.
Heart-wrenchingly,
Mind-numbingly
Alone.
So I weep
But no one stops to listen.
Because I am
Alone.

my blood taints the words of the wicked

i walk down the street of lies,
my hands curled into fists
of sorrow and rage.
shadows flicker in the darkness,
and my eyes are drawn to them.
they whisper in my ear
their twisted tales of turmoil.
deceit laces their words
and they fiercely command
all to be
still.
heart pounding,
legs shaking,
fists clenched,
i stare at the demons.
they snarl to me:
worthless,
failure.
and i listen.
i believe.
all is well all is well
they say.
i believe.
poison of the soul
leaks into my heart
and the dagger stained red with lies
pierces my mind.
all is well all is well
they say.
i believe.
nothing can stop them now.
they are immortal,
impassable.
what i wouldn’t give to just
stop.
and believe not the shadows
that plague my thoughts,
but the people
screaming all around me,
pulling me back
from the edge
of abyss.
what i wouldn’t give
to believe in what’s true.
but...

The Beast of Burden | #GOrwell1 |


The beast of burden.
It pressed its filthy claws into my chest.
My heart twisted up in agony
And it seemed like living was a futile quest.
It snarled and reared,
Ready to sink its teeth into my soul.
Its fangs were just one inch away,
I had lost all of my control.
It roared in rage raw and pure,
Then it bit down into my mind.
My agony was fleeting
The pain so hot and blind.
But what I didn’t know that day
Was that the beast had never killed me.
The pain had made me stronger,
The cuts had made me free.
Because as that beast tore through my heart
It took the chains that bound me with it.
And although I was completely ravaged,
And although all I wanted to do was quit,
I stayed alive through all the trials
And refused to let the burden win.
So the beast in all its rage and glory
Helped...

Autumn's Graces | Round Two |

Autumn.
What a sickly sweet sound in my ear.
It pushes back the summer
And invites the cold creeping near.

Fall
Is another word for the season.
Falling apart.
Being broken without reason.

Change
Is what autumn does represent.
But what if I don’t want
Any change to be present?

Trees
In autumn are dying.
But the death makes them beautiful,
I don’t see them crying.

Beauty
Is what the trees seem to call.
So if you’re ever down just remember
Beauty comes with the fall.

Who I Am | #whoamyou |

I was the one who has a normal life.
I was the one who you can talk to.
I was the one who gets good grades.
I was the one who has a caring family.
I was the one who’s nice to everyone.
I was the one who is soft spoken.
But that is not who I am.
I am someone who has a million stories inside me.
I am someone who wants to let them out.
I am someone who carries secrets and burdens.
I am someone who can’t tell others in fear of what they’ll think of me.
I am someone who is afraid that I’m not the perfect child.
I am someone who is different.
That is who I am.

Fallen Angel

With beauty and power and might
Like a fallen angel
You’ll appear in my sight.
And your wings will expand
As if ready for a fight
But then they will fall,
Wrapping me in an embrace so light.
And I will stay close
And you will tell me it’s alright.
You will shield me from my monsters.
Not the ones who scratch or bite,
But the ones who lurk in my head
Until I wish I could take take flight
Away from the monsters
Who prowl the night.
So you shield me, protect me
And hug me so tight
Like a fallen angel.
I’ll be safe for tonight.

Forest of Monsters | #CuriousWriters2019 | #letsdothis |

    October 5, 2074,
Subjects are confused, but getting along. Currently there are fifty and none have died yet. Variables will be released tomorrow. Subject 1A is our last hope, so let’s hope everything goes according to plan. Will update tomorrow.
    
    Lillian woke up to a harsh light glaring down on her. She squinted and rolled off of her back. She felt the ground beneath her was bone-dry dirt and leaves. Her vision was fuzzy, but she could make out the image of trees around her. The leaves were all magnificent shades of red and yellow, indicating that it was autumn. The light that abused her eyes when she first opened them looked to be the sun that hung just above her. She approximated that it was close to noon.
    She sat up, feeling like she did when she got black out drunk at a party. Her head throbbed and she couldn’t remember how she had...

The Ghosts of Regret | #tirelessregret |

    
    You’ve failed me, Connor. A voice hisses to me. I jump and look around, but I see no one other than a few people walking on a path. I’m standing on a little wooden bridge in the park, the rushing water below my feet calming my nerves.
You could have saved me, The voice continues, its voice frighteningly familiar. What a wonderful brother, letting me take the blast, it drawls in a bitter, resentful tone.
    I recognize the voice. It’s my brother Andrei. My brother who died last year. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and whisper, “You’re not real,”
    It laughs sorrowfully. I’m as real as you, Connor, Its laugh isn’t the joyful laugh I’ve heard a thousand times, but a laugh that’s full of anger and hurt.
    “You’re notreal,” I insist, my voice getting louder. I wrap my hands around my head and lean against the rough railing of the bridge. The splintered wood digs...

Teacher Gratitude

Teacher, Inspiration, and Friend

    Walking into school, the first day. Deep breaths. It was a new school, so I knew nobody. I clenched my fists and stayed close to my brother. When we had to split up, I kept to myself and stayed quiet. On the second day, we had classes. I went through my schedule and kept my head down. There were only unfamiliar faces in an unfamiliar school.
    Then I walked into history class with Mr. Shea. I was apprehensive at first, since history wasn’t my best subject. I went to the back and tried to not be noticed. Mr. Shea introduced himself and the classroom, and I couldn’t deny that he was… different. He didn’t talk down to us, but made it clear that we weren’t to act up. He had structure, but at the same time he was cracking jokes and laughing. We thought he was strange.
    The next few weeks passed, and I got moved to different classes for...

Ghosts of Love | Round One |

    The wind howled in the night, the fog obscuring everything in sight. The inky darkness of the night made it even more difficult to see. Trees already bare towered above the graveyard, their twisted limbs casting the stones below into deep shadows. Clouds covered the moon, making the sky have a faint, eerie glow. Creatures unknown moved across the darkness in streaks of black. Crows cawed in the trees, but their cries were drowned out by the wind that tore across the landscape.
    Down in the graveyard, the gravestones crumbled and cracked. Ivy grew along more than one, giving them an ancient look. Sculptures of angels were laced with cracks and missing limbs. It seemed empty. The only sound was the scuttle of rodents and the flap of birds’ wings.
    But down in the old church, there was someone there. He was a tall, thin boy with pale features. His features were rounded and dulled, and he...

Still He Walks | #writerswords2 prompt 1 |

    Through the rain he walks, the drops beating on the back of his head. The water runs through his hair, pressing it flat against his head. It isn’t a gentle summer’s rain, but a vicious, autumn gale. The wind seems to have hands, pushing at him with great force. He doesn’t try to stop it; he just let’s himself get battered by the storm. Thick, dark clouds cover the sky, making the night pitch dark.
    Still he walks, though all forces of nature are against him. Each step is a struggle and each breath labored. Tree branches slash at his arms and lightning strikes painfully close to him. He just pushes his hair out of his eyes and keeps walking. His feet are drawn to the ground by mud and his face stung by tiny balls of ice.
And still he walks, getting up each time the wind blows him over. His jacket offers little protection against the violent rip...

My Rock


I found a rock under a tree.
It seemed like it was calling out to me.
It had words written on in ink,
with a heart colored in pink.
“You matter” is what the rock did say.
That’s just what I needed that day.
I kept that rock in my sweatshirt,
and looked at it when I felt hurt.
Feeling its weight made me feel calm.
When I was anxious I had it in my palm.
So thank you to whoever put that rock under that tree.
It is such a blessing to me.

I Hate | #thingsihate |

I hate:
Watching the time tick tick tick away.
Seeing the sun fall to end the day.
Thinking that he will not be okay.
Knowing that he had so much to say.

I hate:
Leaving everything unsaid.
Crying ‘till my face turns red.
Hearing his voice in my head.
Thinking of what would happen if I’m dead.

I hate:
Walking down the busy street.
Knowing my life just isn’t neat.
Knowing I won’t accomplish any feat.
Acknowledging my defeat.

I hate:
Knowing he’s so far yet near.
Seeing all the things I fear.
Thinking of the next year.
I hate
being here.

Fireflies | #songofmysoul |

    I wrap my fists around the soft fabric of my bedsheets, sleep foreign to me. I roll over and gaze out the window, hoping it will make my mind stop whirling. As I peer out the window, I see tiny flashes of orange lights. The lights glimmer like a beacon in a stormy sea, and wink out faster than I can think. Entranced, I sit up in my bed, forgetting that I’m supposed to be falling asleep. I have to get a closer look at the fireflies that dance just out of my reach.
    I open the window to the cool wind of a winter’s night. I shiver slightly, and pull on a sweatshirt much too large for me. Before I know what I’m doing, I climb out the window onto the roof overlooking the yard. I stare up at the night sky speckled with stars. The sight of the full moon shining brilliantly against the inky sky makes...

At First Sight | #NewSight |

    The rain beats gently on the top of the bus. My head leans against the window, the vibrations from the bus gently lulling me to sleep. Raindrops trickle down the window in a mesmerising pattern. I find myself staring at the little beads of water until they slowly fall out of sight. Soft piano music plays through headphones in my ears.
    Next to me, there’s a rustle and a quiet murmur of something I don’t quite catch. I tilt my head up to see who has sat next to me. They have a large black backpack and are wearing a gray, oversized hoodie. Their head is turned away from me, so I can’t see their face. But I do see long, brown hair tumbling over their shoulders and disappearing into the folds of their sweatshirt.
    I move my bag from the floor to my lap to make room for the newcomer. As I move it, the person...

If I Build A World | #this_is_my_world |

If I built a world, it would be beautiful. The valleys would be speckled with tiny wildflowers and have soft grass that you can fall asleep on. The streams would be gentle and inviting. I would put my hand into the cool water and it would shimmer like crystals. The mountains would be grand and vast. They would tower above everything else and when I stand on them, I would touch the sky. At the tip of their jagged peaks, the forests would look like dots and the rivers like mere lines.
    There would be oceans that would be powerful and daunting. The waves would slam against the shore in a display of their might and splendor. The sun would rise in an explosion of gold and orange light. The ocean would rejoice at the sunrise with sparkling colors and the water spirits would dance in delight. At midday, beams of golden sunlight would break through the leaves. The...

Haunted Memories

    Sitting on the cold concrete steps that chilled me to my bones, I looked at the little girl who sat next to me. She was only nine, and she wore a dress that was covered in little pink flowers. Her warm brown eyes looked at me inquisitively and she smiled softly. I tried to ignore her, but my eyes kept being drawn back to her. And still she stared at me, her eyes so full of life and love.
    “What do you want from me?” I finally said in a hoarse whisper. I brought my ragged blanket closer around me as if it could protect me.
    The girl turned her head so that her eyes seemed to pierce my heart. She remained silent.
    “What did I do? Just leave me alone!” I begged her, my voice rising. People passing by glanced at me and quickened their pace.
    “What’s that in your hand?” She finally asked after a pause.
    I looked...

You

your laugh is like a symphony
of a thousand chimes.
your touch is like hot cocoa
on a winter's day.
your love is like a fire
fending off the cold.
your smile is like a beacon
in a foggy night.
if only i could see you
one
last
time.

A Daughter's Love | #tellastory |

    Mariah giggled, and ran around the field, a red rose clenched in her hand. It was her birthday, and she was turning five. Her father sat on a bench next to the park, smiling as Mariah approached him. She held out the rose with her pudgy hand.
    “Daddy, look what I found!” she said proudly.
    Her father took the rose gingerly, the soft red petals brushing against his fingers. “Thank you, my sweet angel,” he said to Mariah in a deep, soft rumble. He kissed his daughter atop her head, and she threw her arms around him.
    “I love you, daddy!” Mariah said, hugging her father. The two smiled to each other, and with the rose in one hand and his daughter’s hand in the other, he walked down the path back to their house.
    The next year on her birthday, Mariah again gave her father a rose that she had picked from the field next to where they lived....

Stardust

    The boy looked up at his mother, who held out a star to him. He stared at it in awe, the silver star shining with an alluring glow. He reached for it, entranced at its beauty.
    His mother held it away from him though. “Listen closely, love,” she told the boy, who was still gazing at the star. “This is your star. Everyone’s stars are different, and you’re the only one with this star. Wear it proudly,” his mother told him.
    At last, she handed him the star. “Be careful who you choose to share it with,” she warned as the boy gingerly held his star.
    The next day at school, the boy proudly presented his star to his class. “This is my star!” he announced, holding it up for all to see.
    The other boys snickered at him, and the girls giggled and pointed to his star. “Look at mystar!” another boy said,...

The Magician's Forest

    The forest shifted, branches weaving together to create walls. Thorn bushes snaked up and down the twisted wood. The trees bent and shaped, constantly moving to the will of the magician in the center of the forest. With a flick of his hand, a vine crawled up a tree and wound tightly around a thick, sturdy branch. Leaves were ripped off trees and added to a swirling whirlwind around the magician. As he moved, the forest moved with him. Where he stepped, wood appeared to carry him. Trees were left bare and warped in his wake.
    Wind whistled through the trees, and tendrils of magic seeped into the ground. Where the magician stood, trees began to grow, and plants blossomed with flowers. Like a ripple in a pond, green covered the forest. All that he destroyed, the magician restored with a swift motion. And the parts of the forest that he had previously harmed sprung up more beautiful than ever. ...

Open Prompt

Loser

I've had some time to think
'Bout what I'm gonna do.
I've always played it safe,
How am I gonna choose?

Jus' blend in with the crowd.
Nothing here to see.
But then who am I?
What does it mean to be me?

"You be yourself!"
Is what they always say.
"Don't be afraid",
"Seize the day!"

But then they turn against,
Kill you with their words.
So I follow in the crowd,
I won't be heard.

As each day passes
I play their little game.
What's "cool" what's "in".
Try hard not to be "lame".

But still they laugh.
How is this not right?
I've done all they asked,
I don't want a fight.

Friendless. Loser.
"Stay away, you're not cool".
Spitting out their evil,
I feel like such a fool.

I've always had to wonder:
Is it my clothes? My hair?
Why do they all hate me?
Why isn't life just fair?

The rest laugh and watch
Like...