My mother. She was everything to me. It was me and her. I loved her and she loved me. Then she got sick. We moved in with Aunt Dana. I never realized how sick mom was until I was 7. I was going over to a friends house. Aunt dana asked me if I was going to say goodbye to my mother. I told her it didn't matter, I would see my mom again. She died overnight. I don't remember much from the next days. I was given a day off of school and then i went back and had to pretend everything was fine. It wasn't fine. I'm thirteen now. I still miss her. I still love her. I just wish I could go back and say goodbye.
A bar. How did I end up here, I really can't remember. Everything has been a haze since may. Its july now. I should be over her. the bartender pours me another drink. Why do I still love her. Good lord why. She was everything for a year, probably the happiest year of my life. And then she left. And now I'm here in a bar trying to drown out the pain. And then I see her. She looks great. How is she fine when I am still suffering. How has she moved on when I can't get her out of my head. Then I see him come in. He pulls her close and kisses her, and it's like my heart breaking again.
This is very uncomfortable. Why am I even here? Jeremy knows I hate parties, but he invited me anyway, and how can i say no to him. He probably doesn't even realize that I have a massive crush on him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. He's the life of the party while I sit in the corner holding a plastic cup. He's probably flirting with some girl. All the girls here in their pretty dresses look better than me in a T-shirt and jeans. You can barely see anything the lights are so low, and the music makes it impossible to hear. I can't even see jeremy anymore. I don't know anyone here, and if I do, I don't like them. I would rather be anywhere but here. Why am I even here again?
Sometimes I wonder what my future will be. A lot of people want the same job as their parents. I don't. I don't want to be in and out of jail, my face splashed on newspaper covers titled "Criminal responsible for 9 deaths in a mob fight arrested." I want to be someone who makes the world a better place. But what if that's not what I'm meant to do.What if I end up like dad, In and out of jail, never around for my family. Or mom a lady who goes out, gets drunk, and then says she'll change but she never does. What if my kids hate me like I hate my mother. What if my kids feel the loneliness that i felt from missing a father. What if I can't be good. What if it's in my DNA. What if I was made to be bad.
When I go places people stare. It's not the admiring type of stare, like I'm a celebrity. It's the kind of stare that makes your skin crawl. The kind of stare that makes people pray their future children don't end up looking like me. The kind of stare that makes you want to shrink and shrink until you are small enough that people can't see you. And then I met her. Her stare was different. There was something about her that set me at ease with her. Her smile maybe, that was true without any traces of pity. Or her eyes that lit me up from the inside with warmth. Maybe it was her embrace, like a cloud wrapping around me washing my worries away. No. It is the fact that she thinks of me as what I am. A human.
I walk through crowded halls head down back slouched. My first class, chemistry was with amy. As I walked in I realized amy was already in the class. That was a first. She usually is late due to hanging out with her boyfriend in his class. She's surrounded by a bunch of other girls and when I walk closer, I see tears streaming down her face. Her boyfriend broke up with her. I want to help and comfort her but what can I do? I'm practicaly invisible.
Beep Beep Beep. I open my eyes to white walls and a white ceiling with bright fluorescent lights. There is a faint beeping in my ears, I try to look around and see the source of the beeping but I can't move. I try to take in the most of my surrounding as I wait for my body to start responding. Then the beeping starts picking up until it's one straight buzz. I startle awake, The odd dream still ringing in my head, but I know it wasn't a dream. It was a memory.
Life and death and all the strength, weakness, beauty, ugliness, hate, and love in between.
What is love? I've always wondered. Love has always seemed so strange. To me love seems like obsession, addiction, and pain, but others describe it as bliss. I've felt attraction, of course, maybe sometimes interest, but never love. Some people seem more affected by love than others. Some people can walk away from a breakup, nothing more than a small heartache. Others I'm told feel indescribable pain. I do love people. I love my mother and my father, but thats different I guess. But For now all I can do is watch and wait to see if love will find me.