Souled Out

Antarctica

❝will you still smile at me
when the world is burning?❞

-

hi.
i'm souled out.

Message from Writer

he didn't like the way his heart fluttered when he thought of his enemy, the way he found himself yearning for those smiles and the few genuine laughs. they were supposed to be separate, fighting for their own causes, weapons aimed at the other's throat. but, instead, he found himself here, laying underneath the stars and pointing out all the constellations his enemy couldn't name. what a fool he was, what a fool they were. this wouldn't last. the world was never kind to those who deviated from their paths.

Published Work

the world is ending

the world is ending, love.
what was once
full of promises
is now rotten with lies.
the angels have
discarded their wings,
and the demons
have removed their claws.
what world is this,
where you still stand strong?

the world is ending, love.
look around at
what was once
lush valleys and
vast oceans.
see how it is now
rust and ruin,
the rubble and debris
crowding our world?
what world is this,
to still carry on?

the world is ending, love.
darkness and decay
is inevitable,
and where we once
spent our days in the sun,
basking in the warmth
and smiling and laughing,
carefree,
there is now nothing
but fire and smoke
and the ashes upon the ground.
what world is this? i ask.
what world is this?

foolish gods

oh, but how we are foolish gods,
borne of mortal flesh and blood.

we lived too fast, too loud,
and we wasted our childhood,
unaware of all that lay before us.

oh, what foolish gods are we,
to play with fate and destiny.

our love for the world was full,
and what we felt for each other?
it burned brighter than the suns.

oh, but we are indeed foolish gods,
and we spent our freedom unwisely.

what small matters of the heart are these

i fall in love with strangers
like i count the stars in the sky.
their names are colors
on my tongue,
their faces
flashes of brilliance
in my mind.

none of them know me,
nor i them,
but watching them from afar,
i wonder what it would be like
to wake up to their smile,
or to laugh alongside them
as we cringe at old horror movies.

i used to think of myself
as someone who
detested the very idea of romance,
but i’ve more recently seen
the way i crave what i’ve only seen
on television, or in between
the pages of my favorite book.

i fall in love with these
faceless strangers,
their smiles and their laughter
haunting me like a curse,
and my heart calls
for someone that’s truly mine,
and i laugh.

for what a fool am i,
to yearn for what i will never have?

i think i remember

love, i think i remember
that night on the bridge;
it was dark and moonless
with my mind running
and spinning endlessly.
even though
i'd left him far behind,
i could still hear nick
yelling at me to get to you
before our time ran out.
i think
i must have made it
because you,
you're still here.

love, i think i remember
the first time we danced;
it was at that masquerade
that you changed last-minute
so i could attend,
just so you could get
that one dance with me.
surely i drank too much
because it all blurs as i ponder upon it,
and how deeply i regret it
because i know your face
would've been beautiful.
i think
we must have danced
because you,
you're still here.

love, i think i remember
the night that we died;
it was the first time
we confessed our love
with the stars as our witness.
but i never did say ...

the darkness out the window

she stares out the window, at the darkness beyond. heavy, thick, smothering. there's no light. just the inky black that coats the land.
    and she's so tired in that moment, staring out at the featureless land. there's no moon, no stars. the world moves on as she watches, eyelids drooping. she wants the world to just go still, though, to stop moving. to trap her in this time where nothing happens. where she is safe.
    the world is cruel, though. it isn't cold, though, but unbiased. it's just. if it stops for one person, it must stop for all. and then where would we be? living out a thousand different moments with no one else.
    she still mourns, though. gazes longingly at the darkness she wishes she could disappear into. but somewhere out there, land exists. she can't be completely gone, regardless of what she wishes.
    so she tries to make herself...

the words are more than just a story i read

i have fallen too deep
into a world that is not mind,
talking to people
and living their lives
despite knowing nothing about them.
i am far too invested
in the challenges they face,
trying to distract myself
from the reality outside.

i take comfort in their words,
burying myself
in this new story that
isn't my own.
all the while, though,
i cry silent tears to myself,
knowing that
i was born in the wrong world.

part of me knows
that these feelings of
being in the wrong place are
partially circumstantial,
but the other knows,
deep down,
that i do not belong here.

my home
is on the other side of those pages,
in the world that i've created,
with the people that i
wish i knew and
with the people that i so desperately
want
(need?)
to be.

and the walls kept tumbling down

i am so afraid
of all these little moments
fractured things and

it's all breaking
why is it breaking
glue and duct tape and
stickers and band-aids but
the wall won't hold
there are cracks in the foundation
it is crumbling

the moments i have assembled
and this little world
that i have built
for a second
i marveled at the beauty
and for a second
i was not afraid
because i couldn't see
the darker edges all around

and then what i thought was true
shattered
the cannon having hit true
the walls were built on a foundation
of forgotten promises and
lies that it was all fine

the walls are breaking
the walls are breaking
the walls are breaking

and i am so afraid

time is moving faster

time ticks faster
as i count the seconds speeding by,
and i watch the rain drops
sliding down the window
til they pool and flow
down the roof.

just as i begin to accept it,
the mortality of this world
and my place in it,
it changes. and i scramble
for purchase
before i am another of those rain drops,
unable to stop myself
from plunging
into the abyss.

time ticks faster
and the world
leaves me behind.

i hope you know

i hope you know
of the oceans that blanket
our world.
i hope you know
what the sound of laughter
sounds like when you're
with friends.
i hope you know
there's more to this place
than anyone can discover.

i hope you know
what it feels like to be loved
even when you feel all is lost.
i hope you know
that you are never alone
when there's no one around.
i hope you know
the beauty in every facet of the universe
could be seen in your eyes.

i hope you know
that your impact on this world
will never be forgotten.

at the end of your days, you will be abandoned

your future is approaching
we are running out of time
these days are going faster
the past is coming to an end

i've walked these halls a thousand times
and everyday the shadows grow
i count the passing hours
as time still doesn't slow

we are running of time, i say
the end is soon approaching
i've met my fate and soon it is
you'll get what's coming for you

the world between the pages

i just want to live in that world with you,
the one you told me
through slips of paper
and brief words.
one where
i was yours for more than a moment
and we never danced in an
empty ballroom
but under a willow tree
that grew in the courtyard
of some old, abandoned mansion that we
were going to buy some day.

tell me that story again, would you?
where we were anything more
than two strangers
who fell in love with each other
from little notes
left in books,

and i was anything more than
the person i am.

when the luster has faded, what then?

i miss those days
when the world still seemed
so wide
and it hadn't
lost its luster

because now
as far as the eye can see
it's darkness
and decay
and everything seems to be failing

there may be a light
at the end of what we thought
was an endless tunnel
but what next
what happens when
we can see our next step
when we know it exists
what then

there are so many things
that i can still do
but where is the luster
the joy
the motivation

where did i lose it
or do i still have it

maybe i need
a refund

the abyss

what was once
an empty hole in my chest
has grown; it is now
a gaping abyss,
and it threatens to swallow
everything i love and cherish
and me.

i pile things into it:
stories, both mine and
not, of people and places
that are not me nor my life;
friends, new ones that i am
learning to love
for all their little quirks
and habits;
work, that i complete when i can
before i realize how stranded
i truly am.

but i don't know
how to cope with this.
we were not taught
what to do when an abyss
forms in the place
where our heart should be.
but my heart is still there
because i feel it:
a sharp tug,
a dark feeling in my stomach,
like everything bad is
just waiting on the horizon.

i try and i try and i try
to fill this gaping abyss,
the words piling up higher and higher
and people i...

please stop

and i
i think i'm gonna puke
please stop please shut up please

your words spin round and round my head
i asked you to stop
please stop

but as much as i run
i have to return
you're no sun to me but
what choice do i have

without you

but i know you are already lost
and that the sun will never
never bless our faces
again

falling down

whenever i feel like falling,
you're there.
you pick me up
and brush the dirt from my knees,
twirl me around and smile and say,
it's okay to fall down, but
always get up, a'ight?


and it's been years and years
since you last picked me up,
but i do the job for you.
i feel like falling
but i pick myself up,
brush the dirt from my knees,
twirl around and smile and say,
it's okay to fall down, but
i always get up.


you're out there,
and i often wonder
about how you're doing.
do you know
how much you've
changed my life?

i don't know,
but i wonder.

cold

it's always cold here -
cold hands, cold feet,
cold heart, cold soul.

leeching through
your thick, warm coat
and settling into your bones.

your breath is always visible,
a chill running beneath
your skin as you
walk beneath the dark, clear sky
and the stars smile at you.

it is beautiful,
so far from anything worldly.
there is no pollution here;
no blinding lights
or honks of cars
to shatter the peace,
the calm.

there is nothing out here
but cold and calm.

when the world ends

but when the world ends,
you'll keep your promise,
right?

we stayed up all those nights,
playing pretend as we
dreamed of a future
where nothing existed.
and you turned to me once,
said to me,
i promise,
we will die together.


as the world crumbles around us,
will you keep it? or will you
forget your promise,
like you forgot about
all those nights?

just tell me,
be real
for a second,
don't lie.

when the world ends,
will you keep your promise?

a series of emails about mayonnaise


[insert a lot of random emails here]

me
i mean it's a nice name but idk if i'd name my kid after a doll
i'd name them mayonnaise

friend
ah yes my child mayonnaise
mayo for short

me
*may
why would i call them mayo
that'd give them away

friend
oh yea ofc
can't have your kid knowing their full name

me
the kid would know their name but they'd go by may
it's just that no one would know until someone did attendance and called the kid mayonnaise

to a younger me

i like the idea of going back and telling your past self something you wished you knew. i think i'd have a lot to say. for one, you're going to be the most stuck-up person in the world and first and second grade are going to be suck-tastic for you. have fun there.
    but don't grow up too quickly. oh my god, kid, don't do it. enjoy every minute that you get there, please. if you don't, you're going to regret it. every minute, every second
—soak it up. you only get one chance. there aren't any do-overs. i know that everyone says it, but really. don't waste it.
    and as a fact, you're going to say things you wish you hadn't. you don't talk a mile a minute, but you're pretty damn close. it's going to make you feel like trash for a while. that stupid time when you found that girl's pen on the...

we have to let go eventually

what is it about us
our on-off relationship
of loathing
but there's no one else
that knows us so
well
so we stay with each other
and we're just
we're making each other
that much worse

11:59 p.m. sure is looking swell

the good news:
no more math.
the beast has been
vanquished.
(mid-terms though-)

the bad news:
spanish is
coming.
and my geography
essay hasn't been
touched.

my lovely brother's
only response?
sounds like me
every night.


yeah. thanks.

a letter to my dearest homework <3

you know that song
in wicked? the one that goes
loathing / unadulterated loathing?
that's nothing
compared to how much
i hate you.

xoxo.

even a fool recognizes a queen

but they tell her that she is nothing,
and they are fools,
and she believes them.

they should bow when she walks past,
stoop so low their noses
touch the ground,
but they are fools,
and they know nothing of
queens.

where she walks is sacred ground,
and they tell her she is all that is wrong
in this world,
and they are fools,
and she believes them.

i crown her queen,
tell her she is more than
everything they say,
tell her the truth:

that she is power,
she is beauty,
grace and strength,
and she is a queen,
and they are fools.

i have not made it this far to lose

maybe i was
doomed from the start,
but there's no quitting
at this point.
i was taught
to bathe in blood,
and i will raise my sword
and keep my head high,
and no blade of mortal man
will cut me down.

what she fears is not what we know

lightning crackles in her eyes;
i take a step back.
i'm afraid, i'm afraid.

she's here to burn
my kingdom down.
i'm afraid, i'm afraid.

and when she ends the world in flame,
we burn to ashes on the ground.
i'm afraid. she's not afraid.

sometimes i run into doorknobs

i've been closing doors
for the last three
and a half hours.

i know what i should be doing
and yet
i close a door.

door
after door
after door.

it slams shut.

it's not late but it is late and it would be so easy but i make it hard

i don't think anymore
it's just
words words words
spilling out

and it'll be five a.m. and i'm waking up
but there's an essay due
and a spanish assignment to be done
and a tv show to be watched

there's everything i should've done
and i don't know anything anymore
and i'm a fool
an idiot

all i have to do
is make it through this week
but i can't
this week is back to school
day after day after day
and i have not been prepared
i am not prepared
i will never be prepared

for it feels like i am cracking
breaking at the seams
and i'm starting to realize
that maybe
the words pouring out of me
the worlds that i'm retreating to

might be the poison after all

the lies keep rolling off my tongue

i feel like i'm
always, always
lying.

you ask me how i am,
i reply, i'm fine.
i'm not fine. it's
a cry for help.

they ask me if i'm
struggling in class,
and i tell them, no,
i understand perfectly.

i lie. i'm drowning in
everything that's
too complicated.

i ask what i'm feeling,
and half the time,
sad. but
i lie. i don't know a
damn thing
about what i feel.

i lie to myself,
let myself drown
in the weight
of everything
i'll never truly
comprehend.

the blankets have claimed me as their own

today
feels like a good day
to lie in bed
and do nothing
productive

can i talk to you?

i'd talk to you
if i knew how.
because when i see you,
it's like i'm seeing
two different people,
but it just you.

i think i fell in love with you
when we dressed up as
power rangers in preschool.
and i still smile at the picture
of us at your birthday;
we were iron man and a
butterfly princess, if you don't
remember.

i have your phone number,
your email,
but i haven't talked to you
since fifth grade,
and i don't have the words.

the last time i saw you?
second grade.
the grocery store.

and goshdarnit,
i'm still in love with you,
amn't i?

i'd talk to you,
but i've never
had the words.

i can't be your superman

but i am not invincible;
i can't be your superman.

no flying over in the dead of night
or secret meetings.
no pretending to be someone i'm not,
wielding superhuman abilities,
and saying to you
i'll always be there.

i get hurt
and i will fall,
so maybe i won't always
recover.

i am not invincible,
no knight in shining armor.
i can't be your superman,
and we can't keep pretending.

not your fault


but it's not your fault
that my world is ending
just as yours is beginning

*turns up how far we've come*

when it's midnight
and everything's dying
so you crank up the music
and just let yourself
drown

maybe we were something

maybe i looked up,
and maybe one time
you were there

and i think, maybe,
you laughed? i can't

i can't remember
but i think, maybe,
i used to love you?
it feels so broken.

and i see you on the
streets sometimes with
your hair up and you

i don't know.
you always had it
easy. easier. i don't
know, not really.

but i think
i may have
once
loved you?

and maybe one day
you loved me?

but i don't know
because like you
always liked to say

i'm just a fool
and i don't live in your
world.

the world's funny

but it feels that,
when i try to
find all the pieces
to fix myself,
the world loves to be
a sledgehammer

bam!

and send me
right back down that
godforsaken mountain

i had it figured
out, and now
i'm at rock bottom

apologies don't fix anything

it's not your fault
i'm sorry
s o
rr y
y


i push this on myself
and i hate it

why does this world
love to rip us to pieces
our own mistakes
come round
and i hate it

i shouldn't have
shouted
i'm so sorry
this is my fault

my problems are
my responsibility

but i hate problems
pr ob l e
s

and dear god
it feels like i'm just
losing it

i need help
and i'm drowning

there are people
on the streets
but they can't hear
we're all deaf

so i'm sorry
it's my fault

orr
y

the day is a punishment of my own creation


7:23 a.m.
i wake up. the clock is ticking.
my mind is whirling with
the half-forgotten dreams of
last night. so when the blankets call,
i fall right back into them.

7:40 a.m.
the second alarm goes off.
i lay in bed and stare at the
ceiling, and hope something
terrible will free me.
by

7:50 a.m.
i'm turning off the camera and mic,
entering a meet, pretending that
i'm not in my pajamas,
watching a kid's show and writing
fanfiction.
i log off.

10:38 a.m.
i put down the phone, turn off
the tv, and try to do something
productive. spoiler alert,
it doesn't work.

12:28 p.m.
it's torture time, baby.

1:47 p.m.
the first round of torture is over,
but a new challenger
rises:
the phone.

4:29 p.m.
i'm having a full-on
breakdown from stress
because everything's due and
i haven't even started.

9:01 p.m.
still haven't done anything.
bye-bye, sleep!

11:56 p.m.
i'm almost done. i'm almost ...

i don't think myself a romantic

maybe it's so cliche
(i don't think myself
a romantic) but
there's something about
the idea of my hand in yours
that makes my heart flutter

have you heard that song by the beatles
i want to hold your hand
because i'd sing it to you
if i actually had a decent voice
but i don't
so i stand over here
and make myself content with your smile

don't get me wrong
i'm not a romantic
i hate romance novels
but those fantasy action stories
with the star-crossed couples
they make me feel like maybe
maybe we stand a chance

numb

falling over herself
to put these pieces back
where they belong

and how she hates this feeling
the tears pricking her eyes
everything falling apart

in the eye of the hurricane
do you still feel
or is it all just

numb

it's following me

everywhere i go
you're behind me.
a whisper in my ear
an inhale by my skin
sharp edges and jagged sides.

i'm screaming,
tripping over myself,
but whispers whispers whispers -
they follow me.
there's nowhere
nowhere to hide and

i fall down
with you stalking over.
you are shadows
darkness and bitter
words with crooked sounds
like glass breaking and
creaking floorboards.
a shadow not cast by me
nor by anyone else.

the next generation hasn't grown up

i think i
remember the day
we all stopped laughing,
the day we all
decided to listen
and i wish
we hadn't.

they hammered that lie
into our skulls,
over and over and
over
until we could recite it
in our sleep.
and i hate it.

we were supposed
to be kids,
not the next generation.
but that's all we heard,
wasn't it?

you're the future.
you're the only ones
who can fix it.


well
damn
excuse me.
i didn't realize
you'd already given up
and dumped all your failures
onto us.

we're supposed to be kids,
not the next generation.

what's another broken rule?

we're not supposed to win
this world is against us
it disapproves
but we were rule-breakers from the start
and we're not stopping here

we climbed from the depths to get here
broke free of the cage
those straight lines they said to obey
and for how far we've come
there's no turning back

we're not supposed to win
it's against the rules
but we were rule-breakers
and with our hands entwined
i'm prepared to be a winner
by mistake

are you?

i really hate ladybugs, okay?

why
why are you
so, so dumb
it's a lightbulb
in a fan
stop flying into the fan
but no
you're an idiot
and you reappear
once a year
like clockwork
where do you even come from
i swear

a lost connection

i think maybe we're
losing connection
every time i call for you
it takes so long for you to come

and falling out of touch
feels like i'm dying inside
why do i have to grow up
without you by my side

we're drifting apart
and i see you laughing
i don't know those strangers
they don't know me

who have you become
with the static between us
tell me before time is out
before the connection is

severed

i wish we didn't talk

you're laughing
people are crying
it hurts to hear your voice

you crown yourself queen
insult those you call friends
and to remove you from my life
would be cutting out a piece of my heart

why do we get attached
to the things that hurt us
and regret fighting them
when it only betters us

your voice hurts
i'm the one crying
and you
you're still laughing

why we live in the moment

we're running through the night
no one to stop us
you laugh so loudly
you wake the stars
and i fall a little bit
harder for you

there's a fire burning bright behind us
but we can't hear it
only a step ahead but
it'll never reach us in time
you laughing and
smiling at me

this is us
a moment before the end
a step ahead
and to think
soon
it'll all be gone

a coin has two sides

we like to smile at each other
hold each other close
laugh at the stars
but we hide

even together
we are so alone
that we play pretend
and say it's all good

you tell the truth
and i keep saying lies
two heads to a coin
you and i

spoken on the power of a thousand stars

i will make the world shatter. it was her promise, sworn on the power of a thousand stars. she was now blood and oath, bound to this vow. even past death, the curse would remain. the moment she spoke, she ceased to be human.

but what was she now?

we are stardust brought to life

we walk on clouds
the stars shining in our veins
a universe in our eyes

we talk to strangers
the sun in our smile
a fire in our hearts

we are a new breed
children of galaxies
and we won't be brought down

rising

it takes a moment to rise
but if that wasn't the plan
there'd be no purpose in falling

we change, whether we notice it or not

i've been told that
i've changed,
but i don't feel any different

but maybe they're right

because maybe i smile a little bit brighter,
and maybe i laugh a little bit louder,
and maybe i walk a little bit lighter,

and maybe the world isn't looking so bad after all

why are essays a thing? i hate them.

and sometimes
all i can imagine
is the look of complete
and utter disdain on her face
as she gazes upon
my procrastinated
coffee-fuelled shpiel
that i wrote at 2 a.m.
that sounds a lot like
kronk telling yzma about
the poison for kuzco

the ilmestys

the crew of a doomed vessel
slipping through the abyss
inky darkness
sparks of light as they drift
the cosmos are vast
overflowing with danger
and the crew
was destined to die here
the moment they stepped
onto the ilmestys

forge a path of your own

you burned the story
set the palace aflame
left behind the ruins
and made your own way

i should be asleep

i am lost in ways
i cannot
explain

a haunted chorus

there it is
that single, pounding note
two inches from my face
screaming
echoing
soft voices in my head
whispering what i cannot hear

and so i leave
slamming the door behind me

gone

i've been gone for a long time
it's just that
you haven't noticed

it is what it is

i don't know who i am
or where i'm going
and honestly?
that's fine with me

alone

i'm starting to find that
there's nothing quite like
being both lonely and alone

caught

standing here
looking both ways
i'm caught
caught again
this scene looping
reluctance blooming
and i find myself
trapped

i just really like dogs

i'd like to present a perspective.

me, stealing all the dogs in the world.
every pet owner in the world, uniting to save the dogs.

you'll never get them back.
it's me against a couple billion people.
i'll still win.

i guess we missed our chance

i used to laugh with you
under the night sky
as you pointed out all the places
i'd never heard of before
and your face would shine
brighter than anything out there

and we'd watch movies together
everything you'd never seen
(i still can't believe you've
never seen star wars
and i guess you never will)
but we would sit together
smile at their visions of the future
and i wondered how beautiful ours would be
but i bet you thought about how horrible
the world had turned

there were so many cities to see
that we plotted out together
a notebook exploding with pictures
and newspaper clippings and
brochures you'd found and sticky notes
because neither of us had made it out
of this godforsaken town
and i guess now
neither of us will

she is power

and when she looks up at the stars,
feels the power flowing through her veins,
she can't help but wonder

how was anyone fooled?
she was forged in darkness
and the poison runs like a river in her soul.

the fire is burning
and as she ascends,
she sheds her mortal skin.

do not trap a god
in a mortal body
for she will return.

that dumb grin

what is it about your smile
that makes me freeze up?
i swear, one day, you'll
be the death of me.

aren't we all pretending?

and when our feet leave the ground
it's just the two of us
and for a moment, we can pretend

pretend we're not running for our lives
pretend that we're destiny
take a moment to just
pretend

because these moments
when we're just you and me
not the hero and the villain
these are the best moments

when we don't have to pretend

sometimes being petty is fun

i o n c e h a d a f r i e n d
w h o t o l d m e t h e
"spreading apart words" t r o p e
w a s o v e r u s e d
s o i j u s t w a n t t o b e p e t t y
r i g h t n o w
p     e     t     t     y
i ' m t h e o n e l a u g h i n g
n o w
a r e n ' t i

stories are homes that you've built for yourself

coming home to you
falling into your insubstantial arms
it's like coming alive again
and hearing your words
feeling that you're here for me
there's nothing fictional about it

let yourself smile

let yourself smile, my dear
you've hit rock bottom
but you were meant to fly
so ascend

let yourself smile, my dear
feel the sun on your face
there's nothing chaining you down
not anymore

let yourself smile, my dear
and when you reach the heavens
look back at how far you've risen
and remember all you've overcome

a portrait without me

i'm living my life
and painting a portrait
cutting you out
removing myself from the picture

live your life
leave me behind
but please
don't forget me

the weight of the world isn't mine

sometimes it's hard
knowing that without you
the world would keep spinning

magic mirrors don't work anymore

mirror, mirror
they say it knows all
a god of truth
incapable of lying
and all my answers
lay before me

the glass is cool
a smooth pane
shimmering at my touch
but while they crowd around
i know
i will never be able to face
what i already know

and the glass shatters when i look at myself

don't listen to me

we close our eyes
the monsters can't touch us
not if we can't see them

so don't listen
not to their words
not another word

and on the other side
i'm waiting
as i always am

who are you

when was the last time
you knew who you were
without a doubt?

i showed up, and that's what matters

i know
i'm a little fractured
a little broken
a little off-kilter
i don't fit in the picture perfectly
but what matters is
i'm here

sometimes you need to have a mini crisis for no reason

did i stop lying
or was it that
the lie became me?

do i lie, or is it the both of us?

you tell me
i know when you're lying
so why is it that
when i look you dead in the eyes
and say
​i'm fine
you never question it?

piece by piece

i've always been a sucker
for a pretty face

you've always loved
someone who looks beyond

and we are both so wholly broken
it's no wonder we spend our days
trying to piece each other
back together

the poison we taste

what a poison
i bow to
not the evil spirits of our ancestors
not malice and cruelty and lies
no, what a different poison this is

it tastes sour and bitter
sharp and biting
so quiet and invisible in its poisons
some cease to believe it's even there
but this poison
oh, it's so much more than nothing

this is
claws sinking into my heart
either cutting it out
or starting it again
and needles against my skin
the small scars on my soul
stitches ripped open
screaming
bowing to not a cruel king
but the poison our hearts gladly pump along

fall away

i can't go in there
not without feeling the brunt of an attack
like being slammed into the wall
and crying never makes it worse
just harder
harder to breathe
harder to scream
so easy to fall
let everything
fall away

not enough to understand

when there are all the words
before you
but even if you picked
all the right ones
they would never understand

the ramblings of a dead, tired teen on an hour of sleep

swiss cheese
cheese swiss
baloney baloney
what

we tell lies; lies tell us

but what if
i'm the one
lying ?

lie

pretending to be something i'm not
building up these lies
buried under them
saying i'm strong and i don't break
i just want to break
i lie, we lie, they lie
it's all the same in the end
the outcome is the same
misery
denial
acceptance that lies are protection
a lie i've lived
i'll always live it

18 assignments due by 11:59 tonight and there's everything in the world

and there
lo and behold
tis a squirrel
a squirrel of epic proportions
distraction distracting

orange leaves on the trees
a really annoying fan
cardboard clipboard
(cardboard? is that what it's made of?)
pinterest
(oh, god, pinterest-)

everywhere
everywhere is distraction
and that unappealing world i come from
grows ever fainter
as i fall farther
and farther
sinking into this spell

answers

i am moments
fragments of myself
of a lost piece.
am i shattered? broken?
what is and what isn't and what will be​
i have so many questions
and none.
there are no answers
no book with everything i seek
a mystery only i can solve
that can only be solved alone
that i do not wish to touch.

my sleep schedule died seven years ago anyhow

it's late
no it's not
well it is nearly eleven p.m. but that's not that late
go the frick to sleep
you're waking up at five a.m.

yeah but
tv with the fam-
go the frick to sleep
no
go
the
frick
to
sleep

no.

afraid

i was afraid
so afraid
too afraid?
i dunno
it's where i went wrong
losing myself and finding myself,
both at the same time
ending in the abyss
questioning this and that
and everything.

stars of angel tears

there was a time when we tried to count the stars
laughing as we dance in the rain between thunder and lightning
reaching for the stars without heartbreak, without strife.

unburdened.

and then the abyss rose up to claim us
the darkness swallowing the light eagerly without hestation.
perhaps that was when we all started to fall,
wings giving out as we came crashing down.

but for all those bitter little lies the dark whispered
there were the stars so high above, so numerous that we once wished upon
called them our saviors, tears shed by angels turned into our guardians.
superstition based on nothing other than our imaginations
a simple salvation from the cruel world that awaited us beyond the gates of memory.

hopelessness is a word we've long become used to
pessimism clouding our lives, a devil leaning over our shoulders
darkness and misery laying waste to our path.
there was hope and now there is none, wasted...

broken

and looking back
i see
i was broken all along

melting stars

the stars melt in my hands
gooey chocolate sticking
their glow all-consuming
and it spreads

blinding light twisting
wrapping my arm like a cast
fire embracing me
a mother hugging her child

pain is senseless
like love
numbing after a while
vanishing into the air

pinpricks dancing along my arm
the glow circling
ends and beginnings
wrapped in a bow

the end
whispering
a finality enters
rising and falling

trapped

trapped in a loop
stuck but not frozen
unable to wiggle free
just the same thing
repetition
over and over
and over and over
repeating until someone helps
stuck

round and round
banging at mental barriers
just stop
unable to pause
trapped in this loop
aware but unable to break free
looping
looping
looping

the garden

how has everyone buried their hope in the garden?
their vivid blossoms have grown gray within the garden.

there’s a child outside with blue ribbons in her hair;
she’s trying to find her place somewhere in the garden.

torn petals sink to the ground, lost but not forgotten,
resting upon dirt and earth, fallen in the garden.

some strive for the sun, their search parting heaven and earth.
others flee, unable to find worth in the garden.

a tree towers over the unfurling newborn blossoms,
its raw strength sowing greater problems in the garden.

they long for when their flower inevitably blooms,
i among them, searching for my place in the garden.

end

the heavens torn from the sky
two hands entwined
their empire is crumbling but their thrones do not fall
and they will end a world that is not theirs to end
our downfall will be their uprising

tracing a hand over the ruins of what once was
whisper a prayer as they come
the end draws closer with every breath
they draw near
their blades are drawn

hold the children close
shield them from the end
a world too harsh for them
they were not made to survive this world
our flaws are passed to them and they make it
they survive

braced for the end
this is how the world will be forgotten
do not forget
the stars will turn their backs
watching the world crumble
they have left us behind
let us suffer and we will return
they will not be the end

suffocating

i'm suffocating
the crushing guilt falling upon me
please save me i cry out
just someone save me
it hurts too much to breathe
this destruction
it's ravaging my heart

the flames crawl higher
say goodbye to the sky
watch the sparks die
everything left behind
the end is near
and i'm suffocating

crying out for help
begging and screaming
but those stars
so impassive
their cold eyes turn away
ignore the death
turn away, turn away
they can't see us
let us die
suffocating

the odds

and in the sunlit parlor
our hands entwined
everything seems together
the stars and the moons
the fates we've deceived
all our faults and flaws that we've overcome
after everything we've suffered
we've beat the odds

insanity

too much, too fast
the world is spinning round and round
everybody's everywhere
can't stop to take a breath
lost in this insanity
looking for something to hold on to

fear of tomorrow

hold me tight
just sing a lullaby
soothe my fears
rock me to sleep

the sky is too dark
the night is too deep
i'm too afraid
to fall asleep

shadows creep closer
time draws near
the clock is spinning faster
there's everything to fear

but with you cradling me
whispering reassurances in my ear
sometimes i find myself
beyond their reach

rock me to sleep
soothe my fears
just sing a lullaby
and hold me tight

song

beyond the song
a melody
twisted harmonies
spires of music
just say anything

the mirrors around
towering overhead
reach for the clouds
and they're too far gone

an unseen rhythm
unheard beat
between the lines
a song so sweet

stilted

drowning in my own tears
is this nothing
or more than i bargained for

a stilted moment
leads to a question
and an answer i already knew

questions not to be asked
answers not truly wanted
an ocean to fall underneath

and her
she turns a problem
into a competition

her words just as stilted
as what led me
here in the first place

the sky

do you see the sky?
i cried into your soul
and the stars started to fall
we are doomed, i promise

when the fates collide, i hope you live
don't forget me when we're gone
let me stay a moment longer
linger a second more in this world
i want to touch the sky someday
don't take this away from me, please

your reality is tearing apart
don't leave me behind, please
i'm scared of the dark
it's lonely and cold and
i don't want to be alone
it scares me
and i don't want to turn back
take me with you
when it's all gone

music and raindrops

an eternity at rest
strings humming gently down the hall
rain and hall and all above
the sky pouring
crashing down
and the music's crescendo

an ominous tune
solitary dancer in the dead of gray
a whisper of feet
the thunder a scream
three haunting notes on the balcony
over and over and over
again

lights twinkling
red and blue and green and gold
drifting silently
the splatter of raindrops on the window
murmurs of time ticking away
falling and crashing
and gone in a breath

seconds

sometimes i fall
i stop
a moment lost to time
a second wasted
never returned
gone before you can turn back
something you once wished for
now missing
thrown away
left behind before you made the decision
seconds ticking away
lost to the abyss

ask the stars

ask the stars
are we meant to be free
and listen to their quiet

ask the flames
are we supposed to fly
and listen to the crackle

ask the days
are we doing what we'remeant
and listen to their silence

but ask your fears
are we worthy of life
and listen to everything you've overcome

empty world

an empty world
a soul out of time
misplaced, misnamed
corrected, replaced

fragmented memories
cuts from glass
scars unhealed
tears not shed

missing, forgotten
ruins rediscovered
a time out of time
beyond the barrier

a list of things that should not be scary but are

10 things that should not be scary but are, in no particular order

1. dust that falls off the ceiling fan but you didn't know it was dust at first
2. laying in bed with your head facing away from the door so you don't know who's coming in
3. laying in bed with your head facing toward the door so you do know who's coming in
4. it's late at night and it's dark in the room and you see a dark spot on the wall so you reach out and touch it and it's a spider
5. you're up late watching tv and you see a large dark spot on the wall so you calmly pull at your phone and turn on the flashlight and it's a cockroach
6. you're home alone and you hear something creaking so you look around and it's just the washing machine
7. you're sitting in bed and you can hear this buzzing...

mandatory family time

and yes
i'm dying internally

do you really think
i'm thrilled
about getting every article of clothing i'm currently wearing
drenched
simply for
"mandatory family time"

so if i
choose to sit out
i'm not touching another piece of technology
for as long as i live

what happened to
the audience

and yeah
if i'm cursing the whole time
in my head
and being the most
freaking miserable
person on the planet

not
my
fault

pieces

and broken tears
will fall
color your soul
a mess of stars
as your heart
it breaks into
ten thousand pieces
and when you reach down
bloody hands and bruised knees
count each fragment carefully
look up and see
nothing left to return to
a gap filled
and an important piece
you
has gone missing

the sky is exploding

you look up
into the sky
and it's like
the sky is exploding
raining down star tears
mixed with angel feathers
falling down to earth

when the stars align

when the stars align
the sun will shine
washing away our fears

the grass will grow
the wind will blow
blessing all our tears

the rumors will stop
the stories will swap
and the skies will start to clear

the stars are screaming

the stars are screaming
it's too loud in my head
crashing cymbals everywhere

and what world is this
splitting apart at the seams
everything, everything falling apart

miracle of miracles
a soul risen from the dead
how wonderful for them

the skies are bleeding
it's too dark in this cave
so close and yet so far

quiet

and sometimes
she's so quiet
it's like she isn't even there

long hair

my hair is a mess
ugh i hate having it long
but also no i don't want it short
asdfghjkl why does it have to be thick
I SWEAR I BRUSHED IT YESTERDAY
yet here i am with 45678902345678 knots in it
long hair sucks
D:

reality

and she took to the sky
with wings born of hope
unconquerable for a moment

and then she fell
crashing back to reality
trapped in her cage

a lack of motivation

there's one thing that
i absolutely, one hundred percent
d e t e s t
-no, loathe-
about being quarantined
and quite simply that is
motivation

a relatively unnoticed aspect of life
yet without it
there is no purpose

motivation isn't confined to one area
it's the urge to read
the desire to write
the fire to speak your mind
and without it
without it there is nothing

a lack of motivation
a hole in the mind
a gaping pit in the soul
a missing piece in the puzzle

midnight snack

darkness surrounds me,
my feet silent against
carpeted floors of the upstairs.

i creep down the stairs,
freezing at every creak,
moving onto tiled floor.

i slip across the foyer,
through the living room,
into the kitchen.

my eyes adjust to the dark
as i walk to the cabinet
and climb onto the counter.

i pull it open and remove a great treasure from it,
setting it cautiously on the counter before
sliding onto the ground once more.

i pad over to a drawer and open it,
removing a fork soundlessly,
then creep back to my treasure.

i open the jar quietly
and dig the fork into it
when a soft creak comes again.

my head snaps up,
fixating on a pair of eyes
a foot closer to the ground.

i level the fork at the beast.
"don't you dare tell mom,"
i hiss, gripping the jar tighter.

the creature doesn't move,
only stands there quietly,
gaping in shock at...

lost

lost
missing
can't be found

no longer
in a world
of uniformity

emptiness within
stronger in a moment
breaking like waves on the shore

everything shattered
reality fragmented
hard to see

gone in a breath
missing instantly
forever forgotten

enjoy silence
the only thing
left

glass

waiting in silence
glass suspended in air
reach out, touch one

the atmosphere
s h a t t e r s

glass crashes down
smashing into
little fragments

skin broken
a drop of blood
red on the pavement

and in the reflection
there is not you
but someone else

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry

the sunset

the sun is a blessing,
setting on a
sleep-deprived world.

finally, after ages,
sleep is approaching,
eyes growing heavy.

exhaustion fills every bone,
every step feeling like a mile,
the stress pulling you down.

this is the first time
in years that it seems
night is coming.

you drink up the stars,
something you've
only heard about.

finally, the sun has set,
and when it rises again,
the world will be born anew.

fire

the flames creep higher
with sobs echoing,
tearing apart the sky

embers swirl as
the ashes pile higher
and the smoke thickens

sirens wail
but they'll be too late,
a building consumed in flame

embarrassment

embarrassment
ohhhh hekk i messed up
i just kinda wanna die in a hole

embarrassment
haunts your life for the next 89646 years
instant regret in seconds

10/10 would not advise

chocolate chips

oh for heaven's sake
stop lecturing me on eating sweets
you're my little sister
and i know what you eat
so you can't say anything

and trust me
i'm much more scared of my power
to gulp down 1/8 of a cup
of "semi-sweet chocolate morsels"
than i am of your pitiful threats

after all
you're only seven
leave me alone please
let me run upstairs
with my bowl of chocolate chips
thank you very much
and don't you dare tell anyone

:)

chocolate chips

oh for heaven's sake
stop lecturing me on eating sweets
you're my little sister
and i know what you eat
so you can't say anything

and trust me
i'm much more scared of my power
to gulp down 1/8 of a cup
of "semi-sweet chocolate morsels"
than i am of your pitiful threats

after all
you're only seven
leave me alone please
let me run upstairs
with my bowl of chocolate chips
thank you very much
and don't you dare tell anyone

:)

we are made to be broken


we are made to be broken
humans are fickle things
easily shattered and torn apart
nothing left behind but memories

we are made to be broken
our souls are fragile birds
ripped down the middle with a word
never to be found again

we are made to be broken
our hearts are delicate songs
one small mistake and they're gone
you'll never earn it back

we are made to be broken
as these words state
but whether we allow it
is up to us

Humans

the sky burns overhead
torching our lands mercilessly
and we praise what brings our death

our tomorrow
will never come we suspect
but our hope will make us stay

and it is in our nature
that we will always wait for something
that is never coming, even if we die.

humanity will be
the very thing that finally ends
the human race

Trainwreck


I.
a gaping hole in my heart
a rip in the universe
a trainwreck careening away from the story that was supposed to happen

we are all broken now

II.
another chance at life
another chance at death
another chance to screw up everything good that once was held in my hands

we are all broken now

III.
she was supposed to be born complete
she was supposed to be born with talent
she was supposed to be born with the stars in her eyes, but look what she is now, an old toy in the attic

we are all broken now

IV.
we were friends
we were family
we were together until you went ahead and got in the car with the person who wasn't your lover and never came back

we are all broken now

V.
there are holes we are meant to fill
there are rips we are meant to sow
there are souls we are meant...

When the Rain Falls

When the rain falls,
I lose my senses.
I become just another
droplet in the puddle.
We all pool together
and I am forgotten
once more.

When the rain falls,
I lose my mind.
I become another
mindless worker
in this colony of nothing.
We all do our work as told
and I am gone
into the abyss.

When the rain falls,
my heart shatters.
I become another
useless person in society.
We are all built for nothing
and I have vanished
into the crowd.

But when the rain stops,
my soul blossoms.
I emerge from the ashes
like a phoenix rising.
I have become someone else
and I will never disappear
so simply again.

When the Rain Falls

When the rain falls,
I lose my senses.
I become just another
droplet in the puddle.
We all pool together
and I am forgotten
once more.

When the rain falls,
I lose my mind.
I become another
mindless worker
in this colony of nothing.
We all do our work as told
and I am gone
into the abyss.

When the rain falls,
my heart shatters.
I become another
useless person in society.
We are all built for nothing
and I have vanished
into the crowd.

But when the rain stops,
my soul blossoms.
I emerge from the ashes
like a phoenix rising.
I have become someone else
and I will never disappear
so simply again.

Writing Streak Week 4, Day 5 - Chocolate

It feels like I
rarely eat chocolate
these days.

Of course, I'm aware that I
ate three (large) scoops
of Nutella yesterday.
I'm just saying,
it doesn't really feel
like I've had much.

Not to mention that
Easter was a week or two
ago and yum,
chocolate bunnies for life.

Honestly, I could use a
Hershey's bar right now,
just to savor how delicious it is.
At least they aren't doing the
"Pity, you're in quarantine,
come buy a Toyota" commercials.

I need some chocolate,
and I swear on my life,
if anyone tries to eat my chocolate,
I will stab them with a fork.

nutella

we rarely ever have
nutella in the house
simply because we forget to buy it
so when i see it
i take huge scoops
and put it in a bowl
and find somewhere to eat it
with a fork

of course i can't
let anyone know
i'm eating it in
buckets
but i think as long
as i don't eat it
frequently
no one will notice
and i am safe to
eat my nutella
in peace

i take it out of the cabinet
and find a fork
and put two or three
big scoops in one of the
small orange bowls
and then i screw the lid
back on and
run for my dear life
so no one will ever know
and then i eat it
because there is no chocolate
that can rival the taste
of nutella

the falling of a broken kingdom

fires flicker, illuminating the burning city;
angels sing the chorus to a dead anthem.
despair settles in the hearts of the lonely,
a bitter drink selected by the emptiest of souls.

the queen bows her head as her world crumbles,
her throne of glass cutting her skin as she remains;
her knight watches silently, mourning the oncoming
as the apocalypse surges around the unchanging walls.

the hero wastes away in a field of enemies and allies,
wading in the blood and lies of broken promises;
the villain lays on the ground with a halo of blood,
eyes staring up, unseeing, at the bluest of skies.

as the world comes crashing down on the hopeful souls,
the queen stands with her knight at her side, finally
departing the throne to look over the remains of
the kingdom she abandoned in its darkest hour.

the hero stirs, eyes flickering open, fingers entwined
with the dead villain's in a hopeless conflict;
he lifts...

Rain

at last, the heavens have opened,
bringing forth fresh water for days;
it floods the valley with purity,
washing away the broken souls.

a purge of the weak, without
speaking the truth aloud:
everything is shattered
and we all fall down.

The Queen, part one

The queen sits on her decaying throne,
    told to stay there until it's over.
The king is a man twice her age who
    she loathes and barely knows.
The princess is a girl who isn't his
    child, and her brother is
the prince in a faraway land with
    the man who they call father.

She mourns for her children who she
    is forbidden to see by the king,
and she mourns for the man she
    wishes was her husband,
and she mourns for her kingdom
    which she's not allowed into.

This queen is not made weak by her
    inability to rule, nor is she weak
by her lack of knowledge on her
    kingdom, and she isn't weak from
her caution to speak out against the
    man she was forced to marry.
The queen is not a weak ruler, but a ...