to my eyes, the repetition of the "trees hauling..." and "we're all..." stanzas breaks the easy flow of the piece. the language is too similar in certain parts ("stooped atlas, california sky, etc.), but i think that the definition at the end really does tie it together and give reason as to why there's such repetition there. regardless, i love your writing and please take this as concrit and don't weigh too heavily on the criticism. there are some people who are easily insulted (read: sensitive) to criticism, regardless of whether or not it's constructive or plain ol' nasty insult. keep an eye out for more reviews from me, and keep writing.
another good job, gremlin. can't wait for the next part to be finished
why you gotta write so good, man?? what the heck? how can a dork write so good?