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• i'm lizzie!! an enneagram 4 that likes a good metaphor and a strong cup of coffee •
my wtw page aka my actual diary

Message from Writer

"seize the day, boys; make your lives extraordinary"
find me on instagram also @cabinghost for some more fun times :-)

Published Work

i wish you'd spare the details

Before you came along, I didn't know it was so possible to be in love with detail. 

I grasp on to every word you say and the way you say them. I grasp on even more tightly to the coffee cup between my hands to keep it slipping from my freshly sweaty palms. I study the corners of your mouth the same way I'd watch the waves in the sea. It's something about the way they'll occasionally twitch upward, or tighten, or turn down, that makes it so difficult to tear my eyes away.​ The color of your eyes and how it matches that t-shirt you wore once. The kind of jokes you laugh at, and that look on your face you get when you listen to someone else speaking. 
And I notice how my breath will catch, my thoughts will spin wildly around in my brain without warning. I feel every individual wing of every individual butterfly in my stomach, and...

Micro Memoir

the fourth sunday last june

Just a week before, I'd have killed to be anywhere else. Now I'd kill to stay forever. 

The kitchen table is covered with food combinations I've never seen, and surrounded by people I feel like I've known my entire life. The conversation is nothing special; coyotes, fires, the weather back home. For once, time moves by at just the right pace. And it feels so vivid, as if we've somehow found ourselves in a Rembrandt painting or a well thought-out storybook illustration. I can take in every word, every laugh, every flavor in every sip of coffee. You don't say much, but I can read past your eyes that you feel the same.

But eventually real life catches up again. I step out of the house and into the street. I fight a happy cry even before I turn around to see you standing there to see me off. I raise my right hand and wave goodbye as if I'm...

truth/lies (#escapril)

"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" 

With those words, I am the most powerful person in the room. I could refuse to be honest. I could turn down jury and judge and throw my drive out the window (although I don't doubt that I would pay for it.) Lying is an invisible, but powerful, weapon. It's a knife that severs bonds built up for decades. It has torn me down and left me wondering how I will ever fight against it. Could anything ever be strong enough to fight against it? 

With those words, I am the most helpless person in the room. My truth is all I have; it is the only thing that cannot be taken away. My truth is now my weapon. Once hidden away out of pure fear, I will use it to fight back against those who instilled that...

when the party's over (#escapril)

I don't remember much about the party itself. I remember the fuzzy socks and the glitter and the hot chocolate. I remember the little circle in the floor, singing carols softly accompanied with an acoustic guitar. But mostly I remember what happened after the party. 

I remember the frustrated crying in the floor. The cursing myself for allowing myself to feel that way at such an inopportune time, the questioning why it was even happening in the first place. But then came the redemption, the "why don't you tell me about it?" and the conversation that followed. 

I remember the "I feel for you" and "sometimes I wish I could take our problems and throw them away like football players throw those footballs of theirs". It made the December air feel like midsummer; the adrenaline coursing through my veins come to a still. And even when the party had come to a close, when the people around us began to...

photosynthesis (#escapril)

Pear and oak leaves of brilliant green
Red roses, blue violets swarming with bees
Blades of grass and tallest trees
The earth and I, we bear a similar role 
Their needs will be met by the sun's brightest rays
I yearn for the light in the same trusting way
Together, we anticipate the next breaking day 
For our sun, our light, our food for the soul 

femininity (#escapril)

you took what i loved and twisted it at the heart
every ounce of innocence, trust, and pride 
you reached in and you pulled them apart 
one by one, and yet all at the same time

but i will be the better person here 
until i reach the clouds, i'll stand tall
with not a sword or chestplate or shield 
just that pen and dress and glittery eyeshadow

only the very things you wanted to make me ashamed of

12:00 AM (#escapril)

On Friday night it was heavy. I'd spent the better part of the night in a panic that left me feeling like I'd never be able to breathe evenly again. The other part of the night I spent in an exhausted daze. I didn't bother ordering at the restaurant with the nice waiter and an English menu. I didn't even joke about how wobbly I was after stepping off the bus to the hotel. This wasn't how I was supposed to feel now

By the time midnightrolled around, I just wanted it all to be over. There was the tossing and turning, the crying (and crying, and crying) and moving into the bathroom as not to wake up the others in the room. There was the wondering if I'd be able to carry on through another day with all of this heaviness, and that might have been the worst part of all. When sleep finally came to me, it...

padova (escapril)

Plane and train and boat.
Laughing until it hurts;
dancing until it doesn't.

I think I want the rest of my life to be lined with cobblestone
Filled with ceiling paintings and pigeons 
(Just like you) 

anxiety (#escapril)

Everything all at once
Nothing there at all

White-hot and angry
Icy cold and numb
Scorching sun in the desert
Tidal wave in the middle of the ocean

Ticking clocks 
Not knowing the time
Breathing too little?
Breathing too much!


yellow raincoat (#escapril)

A hope for the sun to return, but you can't stop the rain.

I've heard springtime is for new life
Flowers that push through the cold, stony ground 
It's a coming out of hibernation,
finally feeling the sun on your skin after months of gloomy winter

But this springtime is for storm clouds 
Shades of gray that will not be scrubbed from the corners of the sky
It's stepping into a rainy season,
the sun is still very much hidden away from sight 

Winter should've taken the gray on its way out 
And yet it persists, keeping life behind a windowpane 
It doesn't know that I am equipped this time around 
My armor is a yellow raincoat pushed aside 'til today

The weather is not what it's supposed to be
Dark clouds censoring the sun's rays 
And why should I let that stop me? 
I will be the light that dances through the gray

You can't stop the rain, but...

a fresh start (#escapril 1)

(april 1, 2019)

i'm brushing off the dust 
to plunge back into the dirt
and down, down, down

i'm withdrawing the dead roots
to give the garden a fresh start
pulling up, up, up 

and it's beauty beyond recognition