Winter

United States

Published Work

Blaze

let’s light the world on fire
set the trees ablaze and
watch the sky burn

I am the Wind and I can Breathe

I am the wind,
I am free
So free
And all that I want to see
Surrounds me
And I can breathe
Warm breezes
Icy gusts
Sticky mist
Delicious air
I breathe it all in
I am the wind
I am free
So free
And all that I want to see
Surrounds me
And I can breathe
Oh I can breathe.
 

The Meaning of Life

I hear all these stories
About
learning the meaning of life
in the midst of fear
So, why
Why
When I’m stuck
At the hardest part
The climax
why
When I’m
Fighting for my life
A war against myself
Battle
Raging
Storming
why
Can’t I find
Anything
Other
Than a
Splitting headache
And a
Fat load of nothing.

Twins....

I'm always one step behind
you
build me up
you
break me
you 
share my blood but
you
couldn't be more different
you
couldn't be more perfect
you 
have less but
you
always have more
you
build me up
you
break me
you
can't contain me anymore
you
can't smile to me anymore
you
are beautiful
you
are hideous
you 
build me up
you 
break me
I
love
you

Silent Storm

the clouds of anguish
rain pelting 
fat drops 
in anger
in pain
in sadness
rain like tears
hail like fists
falling from grey skies
brewing in
the misty heart
the foggy mind
a ceaseless storm of panic
encompassing all
yet invisible
for this battle is internal
lightning hasn't struck the surface
thunder hasn't changed the outer smile
but still
underneath it all
reigns the silent storm
 

Ski

You might hear a bit of profanity
on a powder day
cause the chairlift line's insanity
thats just the life
when you ski
truth be told
we don't get enough publicity
for I can assure you
the crazy tricks we do
aren't risk free
the snow does a great service
to humanity
it makes you let go of pain
it gets you to see
that life's not so bad after all
you just gotta ski

 

Haiku

Agony it is
to sit in silence smiling
while you are in pain
 

I am Not Beautiful

Shame
Disappointing
Different
I am a minor character.
Illness
Interests
Stories
Only in the background.
Aching to the core
Blaming myself
Maybe if I was thinner,
I am not beautiful.

Snow

Crystals of ice
are forming on the window 
sill from which I peer
Snow weighing
pine's branches
Come morning disappears
and you wonder
was I imagining
the snow was ever here?

Celiac Disease

Celiac Disease
Not Silly-ac
Not Celiacs
Just a chronic autoimmune disorder
Sorry to inconvenience you
It’s a mouthful of words
Don’t worry
They don’t contain gluten, no
cross-contamination
and
I’m not gonna die.

Coming Home

Sometimes when I say goodbye in the morning
I don't know
you aren't coming home tonight. 

 

This Is A Tale Where Somebody Dies

A sickness
A secret
A mask
A disguise

This is a tale where somebody dies

A bitter truth
An ancient pain
A friendship
And lies

This is a tale where somebody dies

A death sentence
A telling of things
A forced honesty
A cry

This is a tale where somebody dies

A once hidden disease
A doctor left cureless
A saying “it’s too late”
A dead one to rise

But don’t be surprised...
I already told you... 

This is a tale where somebody dies

The Girl Staring Back

I act as if
I have been dealt
a great load of pain.
That is what you're supposed to do 
nowadays.
So you can be
respected
So you can be
noticed
but you have to be
pretty too.
It didn't used to be true
but everyday
it gets harder
to smile
harder
to laugh
harder 
to look in the mirror.
When I do
I no longer like
the girl staring back.

The Girl Staring Back

I act as if
I have been dealt
a great load of pain.
That is what your supposed to do 
nowadays.
So you can be
respected
So you can be
noticed
but you have to be
pretty too.
It didn't used to be true
but everyday
it gets harder
to smile
harder
to laugh
harder 
to look in the mirror.
When I do
I no longer like
the girl staring back.

Who I Want to Be

I always spit them out
words carelessly
thrown about
into your judging ears
I don't think 
about how much you will tease
just focused on the fact
that you might pay attention
to something about me
for once.
All of the times
it is never worth it
but in the second
I'm almost important.
I am always
supposed
to be smiling, stupid, and
ugly.
I want to be
smart.
I want to be
sad.
I want to be 
pretty.
I don't want you to have to 
let me be
who I want to
be.
Remember though
that I can't do that.
I am locked behind this door
and you took the key.

City of Steel

I have built
A city.
Tall fence
No one will come in.
Guards with their
Guns
Defend me.
Everything is gray
Everything is safe
You will not touch my city.
The city of my heart.
Everything is gray.
In this
City of steel.

Mad at you

There is no feeling
like when the whole world is mad
and all mad at you

The Death of the Pen

A spurt of ink
final words
and then

we all
cry quietly
for the death of the pen

Panopticon

In the end
if all the walls are gone
Will we choose to escape
the panopticon?

Not ready

Panic grips my throat
I can’t do this, not ready
Shaky hands lower

I am Coming

I am coming.
You know I am coming.
I am always here.
You cannot forget.
Every bad choice
I get closer.
Every
Second
Minute
Hour
I get closer.
Come little one
into my waiting arms.
Rest
away from the pain surrounding you.
We only have forever in oblivion.
I’ll keep your soul in a jar
in my library.
Perhaps in a case
in the castle.
In the nothing here
I have everything.
It is awfully lonely, but
there is nothing to harm you.
Oh how it would be to be mortal.
To have a choice.
life or death.
Only one lasts forever.
Come to the gray
Come to the emotionless.
Oh and you don’t have a choice this time.
I am coming.
-Death

Silence

silence is deafening
silence is painful
making you think
about all the things
better left forgotten.

silence is suffocating
silence is agony.
a place where
you can't hide
anything.

Tiny Love Story

Gray

Your eyes shone like gold,
your heart was gray. 
but I didn't know. 
I fell for your tricks.

You liked me
but not my looks
and our lives aren't
like ones from story books.

You took my heart
and broke it like glass
but I still liked you
anyway.

Endless was the fighting
but still we needed each other
to bandage the pain
and keep us here.

We were the outcasts
two girls liking other girls.
we couldn't be 
together anyway.

and after it all
I'm just like you now
my heart is finally
gray.

 

Our Shadows

They crossed paths
our shadows did
I liked the way it looked
just you and me
and me and you
like something from story books.

You were the cap
and I was the pen
but you saw the truth
and then
after bullying 
my shadow sat alone again.

Mask

sad girl
sick girl
insecure girl
freak girl
strong girl
weak girl
hiding behind a mask.

Lost

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Used To

i used to like showers.
Until the pattering of water on my back
sounded too much like the voices.
Liar 
Thief
Freak
Ugly
Immature.
the little drops once soothing
turned painful.
overwhelming noise
in the deafening silence of everyday
save for the judgements.

There comes a time
when the colors fade to gray
leaves abandon trees
songbird take flight.
and I am left alone with the truth.
That this
sick
ugly
broken
car won't run,
and 
i t  a l l  fa l l s  a p a r t
 

Sorrow

Fill a bath full of sorrows
watch me drowning in it
In the end
I'm going down the drain with everything else

Celiac Disease

Celiac 
the invisible disease
stop hurting me
I'm begging you please.
 

Pain

I sit down slowly
wrapping my arms round myself
try to stop the pain

Sick Girl in Hiding (Haiku)

I'm always afraid
could tomorrow be the day
that I don't wake up

Porcelain

Masked face
calm facade 
won't break
like porcelain.

another day
another challenge
another box
to conform in. 

Inside she is
a doll in pieces
everyday breaking
a little more.

gathering dust
icy cold as light fades
forgetting
what life is for.

Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Quiet Beauty

sparkling drops
that fell from the sky
and you never think about it
but they know how to fly
glorious sights they must've seen
the hideous, the marvelous
and all in between.
voiceless they sit
a kind of quiet beauty

Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Quiet Beauty

sparkling drops
that fell from the sky
and you never think about it
but they know how to fly
glorious sights they must've seen
the hideous, the marvelous
and all the in between.
voiceless they sit
a kind of quiet beauty

Open Prompt

Reflection

Goosebumps rise on worthless skin
How am I in the body I'm in.
Pinching fingers measure fat
behind unsuspecting peoples backs.
Cry at mirrors, hide in stalls
Try to run behind the walls.
I cannot escape myself
and the ugly will not fix itself.
Searching for something close to perfection
But I can’t bear to face my reflection.
Rising numbers on a scale
Are constant reminder of how I fail.
Try to exercise and eat 'healthy'
Still the ugly won’t be free.
binge almost purge but I am too afraid
To do anything but scold myself for changes that need to be made.
Slowly I am just my calories
And soon I live just to be skinny
Trying to fix what I see before me
Don’t know how to be.
Losing control of the mirror and also the knife
Trapped in a reflection, losing my life.  

Mixtape

C'est Mon Vie

1.  Cancer Twenty One Pilots
2.  All I want Kodaline
3. Human by Christina Peri
4. Dark Enough
5. Down Jason walker
6. Unstoppable Sia
7. Bird Set Free Sia
8. To Be Human Sia
9. Happier Ed Sheeran
10. Elastic heart 
11. Let Me Down Slowly
12. Sweet But Psycho Ava Max

My life in 12 songs.
 

2019

Je voudrais, sil vous plait

1 dream come true
2 working hands
3 problems solved
4 friends turned nice