Other than minor grammatical errors -I would mark them with comments but my computer is being stupid- I think it was very good. I think you could work with the syntax a bit to combine some sentences as they can be a bit short at points, but this is kind of nit picky. I think that this piece has a lot of potential and you should be proud of it. Good job!
over 3 years
I thought this piece was great! It was slightly strange at first and sounded kind of stalkerish/yandere but it was very interesting. Then to find out that the one he'd been head over heels for actually a mannequin made me laugh. I thought it was a good twist! Nice job! The only thing is that you spelled mannequin wrong but that's just grammar. But yes, I really liked this piece because of the creativity of it and the twist. Good work. If you didn't get an A on this assignment, I would have strong words with your teacher :P
almost 4 years
I loved this piece. It was beautifully written and the description was lovely. The only thing I would suggest is that you move the paragraph talking about this creature that is hunting the girl to the very beginning. You don't have to. It just might sound interesting like that, but it is also amazing the way it is. I hope you expand on this further and good luck in the future!
almost 5 years
PROMPT: Profile Feature Writing Competition 2016
I absolutely loved it. It really encompasses what it is to be human and the emotions run high in this one. It is truly great. Keep on writing!
almost 5 years
I am really impressed with this piece and hope you continue on writing. Awesome job!
over 5 years