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its ya boi

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let her linger
blink and coo
as she lays in my arms
so bright 
so shiny and

the last goodbye

she had packed her bags
"I'm gonna miss you," the orange streak in her hair was blotchy in my teary haze.
"I know."
"You aren't coming back?"
"No, Anthony, I'm not."
"Iz, please reconsider."
"I can't. My mom says I have to go."
"People at school are gonna miss you."
"No, they won't. Leave me be."


a message to my followers

I’m sorry for writing such depressing stuff  lately; I’ve just been super down in the dumps the past few months; I won’t be specifying what happened in is sort of overrated, and love hurts. I’m trying to come up with a story told through poems, so they might actually connect into something that people can comprehend.
Also..Izzi Fynnheart isn’t, er, won’t be coming back for a little while, sadly. She left home a few days ago..for a sabbatical if you can even call it that. Till then, I’m catching up on the episodes of Riverdale and Voltron that I missed.

time's fabric

some of them want
to abuse you
some of them will be abused
sweet dreams
are made of this?

the thought of being in "holy matrimony"
is different for all of those who 
their sweet dreams

im a boy
sweat and dirt in my pores
my job is to make noise
to crack the earth in two
so atlas will scramble in a frenzy

who am i to disagree?
everyone's looking for something.

i will wear a tricorn hat
and hold the tatters of jackets
that belonged to my fallen brothers
blood on my face
a big disgrace.

stomp your feet
to the beat of sorrow
but it is masked over
with the pandemonium 
of notes
he lies wth a spiked armband
in a casket lined with velvet.

i sing with john denver
peering at me through thick glassed lenses
and loose flowered tops.

dance with Mary, The Virgin Queen
hope to catch her eye...


the only thing I have left of you
is the polaroids of 
the waves riding up to your knees
the light orange dress you wore
billowed around you
with grace and beauty
no one else could assume.
you pulled me in with you
was a cold shock. 
but your lips on mine warmed
me up
just fine
we collasped in Poseidon's
piece de resistance
a tangle of limbs and love
and came back up gasping
your laugh disentigrated 
towards the sky
"i still love you," your voice faltered
i cupped your cheeks gently
knowing that i could never admit the same
at least 
not with the baby in the way
your belly grew, rounded.
you blushed whenever someone asked to touch
creepy much?
you're safe now
from all that brings sorrow
one day
i'll see you once more
just not tomorrow
i'm sorry
that i still love you
when you cannot 

la mujercita

i n

t h e








she sobs, her dress billowing out from under her

la llorna, ella es muy triste.

my love, she's so sad

but she blinks; a misty haze glowers with amnesia.


when I say she isn't coming back
she isn't
she can't
she won't 
leave her in the shallow
submerged in inky waters
beyond her control
i cant pull her free
i ever want to.

gone girl, gone girl, gone-

watch her
reach out
as she fades
sweet melancholy 
"i have to go."
i hug her
last time
the tears
pour down
as i press a kiss to her lips
and we linger
for a moment
she pulls on my t-shirt
all the while
she's gone
isn't coming
"i have to go."

Izzi is gone

I can’t tell you where she’s gone
except that she left last night
without a trace
her parents said
shes visiting family
in South Carolina 
just not where.
she left her account though
maybe she left clyes

shes gone

she’s gone
and she isn’t coming back
her eyes faded from the world
and is never coming back.
she sobbed as she held her child
in her arms 
shes gone


she was leaned up against
the kitchen 
that the baby was
i told her to calm down
telling her she was crazy
and she was only 
three months in
baby fynnheart
wasn't due for a long long
and she wasn’t even showing.
but her mom
peeked under her skirt
and saw the crown of 
a baby’s head.
“okay, i’m going to have to you push, izzi.”
her legs shook as she strained
to push, still standing up
”mommy, i can’t!”
i held her steady, pushing back her hair back.
”push, sweet girl. push.”
she screamed, her legs wavering.
there was a wail. in izzi’s mom’s arms was a screeching baby girl, covered in blood and vernix.
”look, liza.” I sat her down, she was still shaking. “you’re a mama now.”
her eyes fluttered closed, and her head
lolled to one side. 
her breathing slowed
”izzi? izzi? get up!”
her lips parted and the words flowed...


she was leaned up against
the kitchen 
that the baby was
i told her to calm down
telling her she was crazy
and she was only 
three months in
baby fynnheart
wasn't due for a long long
and she wasn’t even showing.
but her mom
peeked under her skirt
and saw the crown of 
a baby’s head.
“okay, i’m going to have to you push, izzi.”
her legs shook as she strained
to push, still standing up
”mommy, i can’t!”
i held her steady, pushing back her hair back.
”push, sweet girl. push.”
she screamed, her legs wavering



in blankets
her eyes open
at half mast
the traces of blood
on her lips

i wipe them away with a wet rag.
"ant?' she mumbled her head lolling to one side.
"just..know that i still love you."

i press a chaste kiss to her forehead
"you're tired, iz. just rest."
she reached out for me
her slender
fingers wrapped around my bicep
"please, stay," 
her eyes water over
in diamond droplets
and i sit back down
running my fingers through her hair
"i'll stay as long as you rest."
she buries her face in my chest
and settles
her breathing
matches mine
and we settle
under the warmth 
of her lamp
"i'm scared, ant. i'm so scared."
"i know, babydoll. i know."
"what if adam isn't happy?"
"babydoll, who cares
what the baby will look
like? adam will be a proud papa 
no matter what."
she smiles, her eyes 
and her freckles
show through ...


watching her spin in
f a s t e r
help her stop
but she can't
for she lives in
"izzi." i scream out to her
she gives me a look
terrified one
she doubled over
coughing up blood

i caught her wilted figure
as she fluttered down in defeat

can you see

to rise

i only
carribean sands
are real
if you look
at those who surround you

can you see?


i run to help her
as she
in pain.
she's doubled
yellow skirt
in her eyes.
"help me, ant."
she whimpers
i pick her up
like a porcelain doll.
and reassure her
"you're gonna be okay."

you're his girl

she holds her stomach
swollen and round.
she glows
with her yellow skirt billowing out 'round her
"ant," her red lipped smile wavers
"what if this baby doesn't turn out the way.."
"adam will be happy either way, izzi"
"i already miscarried one.."
i cup her cheek in my palm
wiping away her tears
"he'll be happy, angel. you're his girl."

Do you know what you did?

You hurt somebody
using your own body
as a weapon
you manipulated him
and made him shed tears of rust
you made him come out on top
and i made it out in second place
do you know what you did, sweet girl in yellow heels
with the red lipped smile

Things I Did Wrong.

I was dating the user, most of you know her as queen elizzi, in real life. 
We wrote pieces about each other, which now that I think about it, was all I really wrote about.
But I did some bad things, things that cannot be fully refuted even if I tried.
When elizzi, or Izzi as she was known to me and tons of others, and I were dating, I was happy, or at least I tried to be.
But I lied, I kept so many things from her.
I kissed other girls, had a boyfriend as a predecessor, and..I was sort of a man-whore.
Nothing sexual ever happened, I made sure of that.

I finally told her a month ago, and she just broke down. 
God, I hate hearing her sobs ring in my head.

But she found another beau, one that I hope can treat her right. Not that I have much of a say.
She won't even...


my excalibur is the piano
ivory on ebony
my fingers make sweet love
to hear the halos fall
and break

hey kids

I m back kids, and I've got shit to say-so look out.

No one told me

no one told me how much words can hurt
once they're spoken
I saw her face crumple
and the tears flow down her cheeks in delicate pearls

Poochie Problems

 "Ant," Izzi gave me a worried look. Her face was illuminated by the glow of her phone. "Eliza's going into labor."
The whines of my dalmatian came from the whelping box that had been set up in the corner of the living room. 
"What? She's gonna have the puppies?" I gave her a wideyed look. Eliza wasn't supposed to give birth for another week.
Izzi was already by the box, calming Eliza down. "It's alright, Mama. It's okay." She said softly.
There was a splash and a yelp. "Ant! Her water just broke."
"Okay." I grabbed my cell-phone and dialed up the vet's number. 



"Ant? She's starting to push out the first one." Izzi's voice was level.
I grabbed a towel and tossed it to her. 
Eliza whined again, but it was soft.
"Good job, Mama." Izzi's voice became cheery. "Now, push again."
I knelt by her side, feeling awkward. Izzi was leaned...

My Dog Had Puppers.

Izzi and I had to help my dog give birth, while alone in my house.
more on this later?

Celestial Bronze

You are powerful.
Possesing the power of the Gods
And the mortals that bow at your feet.
But use it wisely
Or be consumed by the wrenches of Tartarus.



Gear J. Moonlight, is my gay fetus nephew. (well, he's Izzi's nephew, but I'm his surrogate uncle?)
Go check him out!

Izzi's On The Sidelines

Izzi came back to dance classes!
To watch me dance..she's still not in the best shape to be dancing just yet.
But it's nice to have her there. Gear, her nephew is taking classes, and he's an insane dancer. To him, I'm "Uncle Ant".
Cool, I guess. It's just that we're the same age.
Cupid's thriving, he learned not to pee on my dance shoes.
My mom's really mad at me for that prank, still.
Gear told me he was gay, and I immediately hugged him. I'm such a softie.


My Dearest

I wrote you a sonnet on a napkin.
You shed tears of joy, and wrapped your arms around me.
All was forgiven, my dearest.
After you fell.
And had needles poking out of you.
You wouldn't let me go.
So I stayed.
And held your hand.
Let you cry into my shoulder.
You danced until your feet bled, darling.
The pain you felt
You kept bottled up.
I would have let you.
Scream in my face.
You needed help, darling.
But you sat in the corner.
And let it wash over you.
You fluttered to the ground in a flash of lilac
Your hazel eyes faded.
And I cried.
I cried.
Deep heaving breaths
Didn't calm me down.
But in the dim lights of that hospital room

We held hands.
Dozing off.
My Dearest.

My (Kitten) Son: A Prank I Pulled On My Mom

"Ant, Oh my God, is she really pregnant?"My mother's distraught voice blared through the speaker phone. I grinned at Izzi, who smirked back.
"There's more to it, Ma." I tried to sound like I was freaking out. "It was an ectopic pregnancy. Izzi didn't know until now. She's..she's in labor."
Izzi started to breathe heavily, as she was trying to hold back her laughter.
"H-hi, Mrs. Chanel.." Izzi tried to make herself stutter, but she was crying with laughter. "How's your morning going?"
"Fine, dear." My mom said gently. "How are you feeling?"
"O-Oh, I-I'm f-fine." Izzi started wheezing. 
"Hold on, Babe." I pretended to comfort her. I bit my lip. My mom was going to be so mad, but it would leave us with a smile.
I gave her the queue to start screaming. 
"Mom, she's about to start pushing." I was about to press the end call button, But she stopped me at the last minute. "No, sweetheart,...

The Awkwardness Of Exes (4)

"Can I please see my baby? She's my only girl." Elenora looked on at the doctors, mascara running down her rounded, youthful cheeks. 
The doctor, a woman with kind blue eyes and a smile to match, shook her head solemnly. "Miss, you might want to sit down for this."
Elenora put her hand to my shoulder, trying to keep me from shaking even more than I already was. "It wasn't your fault, Ant. Not at all."
I didn't say anything; all I wanted to do was cry, and I felt like I couldn't even do that. We sat down in the waiting room on those hard cushioned chairs.
"Miss Collins, your daughter might be pregnant."
I froze.
Elenora's grip on my shoulder loosened. "What?"
I shook my head vehemently. "Izzi and I chose never to go that far. Nothing has happened between us like that." I felt that same embarassed blush rise to my cheeks. 

Her expression softened. She turned...

The Awkwardness Of Exes (3)

Izzi's skirt splayed out from under her in a lilac splash, Her hands were poised gracefully above her head, as her dark, short waves flitted around her.
Dr. LePonce clapped as she finshed her routine. "That was wonderful, Izzi." He put a hand to her shoulder. 
She gave him her coy, shy, smile before lowering her gaze to the ground. 
"Now, Anthony," Dr. Leponce's mouth was set into a grim line. "Come, we have work to do."
I took Izzi's hand and got into position, my hand on her waist as she looked up at me, "longingly".

"Now start." Dr. Leponce started up the music, and Zac Efron's voice boomed from the speakers.
"You know I want you; It's not a secret I try to hide."

The steps were etched into my brain, but still, I couldn't perform the way i wanted. I missed footsteps and turns. Still Izzi didn't look at me.

We weren't allowed to finish until I...


I know you think im shitty.
believe me, I think so too.
I'm sorry.
I never meant for this to happen.
I'm sorry I never told you.
I was afraid..
I know you're an accepting person.
It irked me.
Would you not accept me.
But I waited too long.
And it wasn't the right time.
We made a pact.
To never lie.
We hugged.
I kissed you for the very first time.

That magic didn't fade. 
But He rained on our parade.
I didn’t have my umbrella to keep us dry.

 Maybe we can rewrite the stars?
Tango with me..
Dance class isn’t the same without you..
I want to see you in that flowy  purple skirt as we twirl..
with no means  of ever stopping.


my love life is pretty much over ;(



The Awkwardness Of Exes (2)

"Dude, you really, really, fucked up." Matt chugged down his half of Coke before twisting the cap back on. "Dude, Izzi was the one, I legitimately shipped you guys. You had an official ship name."
I picked at the hamburger I'd ordered and sighed. "I know I fucked up. And we didn't break up; she's just angry."
"Why'd you lie to her to begin with? You didn't tell her you were bi?"
"No, man."
Matt raised a dark eyebrow before realizing. "You're afraid she's like, a homophobe, right?"
"Yeah," I nodded.
"Well, that's a dumbass move, 'cause there's obviously something more than that bothering you."
"What?" I almost spat out my soda. "You're crazy."
"You never told her, man. You probably lied to her, telling her that you had never dated before."
I choked back my soda, gulping it down in one sugary sitting. 
"Yeah, you''re right."

"That's a low, low, move man." Matt furrowed his bushy red brows. "I...

the Awkwardness Of Exes

"Iz, I'm so, so, sorry." I wanted to cry as she walked away, her hands shoved deep into her pockets. "I really didn't mean for that to happen, I swear to God."
It was cold, super duper cold. The wind bit at our cheeks. 
"You told me that you hadn't dated anyone before me, Anthony." She turned to me, fire in her eyes. "You lied to me."
"Izzi, please hear me out." I squeezed her shoulder, but she jerked away.
"Please," I scuffed my boots against the sidewalk. 
"Okay." She turned to me, her eyes cast downward.
"Kei and I dated for a little while, four months, before I met, er, saw you." I said, feeling the burn of guilt bear down on me.
"Four months?" She raised an eyebrow. "T-That's a long time."
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier."
I heard her exhale. "No, no, you didn't have to tell me. I was being clingy."

Let's rewind.

I'm Freaking Out.

Izzi just...met my former accident??

The Playbook Pact: A True Story (3)

I knew that when Izzi didn't come back to school the next day that she was sick. When I saw her on the football field the night before, her eyes seemed glassed over. They always got that way when a migraine was coming on. 
I tried calling her, texting.
She didn't answer. 
That only confirmed my fear.

I made no haste to go over to her place after class, worry was starting to eat at me near the end of seventh period.
Her dad, Thom was home, working on repainting the dining room. He was a stocky, but tall guy, with green eyes that crinkled when he smiled. He had jet-black hair, streaked with some grey. 
"Izzi's upstairs in her room," He said, pointing up the grand staircase. "I'm assuming you know since you two are up there a lot." He grinned and winked, while I tried to hide the blush that was rising to my cheeks. It was cool...

That one time I tried to skateboard-and failed.

Okay, let me get one thing straight. 
I'm probably the least graceful person on earth, and I'm especially clumsy in front of my girlfriend.
Don't ask me why I even attempted to do it, just to impress her.
It was late September, and it was still pretty warm out. T-Shirt and shorts weather, definetely.
"Ant, you don't have to do this if you don't want to." Izzi had said, gripping my shoulder.
"If you can do it, Iz, I probably can too." I stared down at the purple penny board that sat in front of me.
"Just don't break your neck."
I stepped on, trying to keep myself level. One foot and then the other. I slowly build speed as I scooted down the street.
"Iz, I told you!" I looked back at her and grinned, but she was burst into full blown laughter. 
"Watch out!"
I looked down, and was terrified to see a patch of thorns right in...

The Playbook Pact: A True Story (1)

The locker room always smells of gatorade and feet. 
And when Coach sat us all down, we knew something was up. 
I forze when the word "mono" passed his lips.
Everyone turned to look at me. I was the only freshman on the team with a serious girlfriend. 
But that didn't mean..I had mono, right?
Well, try telling that that to the rest of the team. I could feel their eyes all on me, especially when coach droned on about the physicals and tests we would have to take.
And they let me know when Coach left.
"Ant, you asshat." Charles, our quarterback, groaned, his brown eyes pierced mine. "You do know that mono is a kissing disease, right?"
"What are you suggesting?" I said softly, looking down at my cleats.
"I'm suggesting that you and your little tramp have been getting busy." Charles grabbed a half full gatorade bottle and waved it in my face. "And you probably gave...

things i guess you should know about me

1. im a bisexual mess.

2. I have a girlfriend, Izzi..whose on this site as Izzi C. Moonlight. She's the DoPEST goRL

3. I play football, im a linebacker

4. the maze runner and coraline scared the shit outta me. izzi didnt get scared. shes probably a witch, but i love her.

4. i took salsa dancing lessons when i was a kid, i now teach 'em to younger kids. (Iz helps me run the classes sometimes. She's my partner in crime)
5. i love memes.
6. i have a love hate relationship with my doggo.
7. my last name is chanel, but im not related to the fashion designer Coco chanel
8. i tried to parkour once and broke my nose
9. i love 'hamilton' lin-manuel is the dopest (his twitter is lit)
10. I hate fortnite
11. i love my girlfriend
12. My full name's Anthony Jerry Chanel
13. the "jerry" is meant to be an homage to...

what my younger brother told me about love

my brother is only four years old. His name is toby.
sometimes he can be a whiny litle crap, but some of the things he says intrigues me.
this was only a few weeks ago.
izzi was over at my place and we wanted a little time alone to talk about something that was bothering her.
she showed me the bruises on her forearms.
"are these from the accident?" i asked, fingering them lightly.
"Mm-hmm." her voice shook, and she grabbed my hands. 
"are they hurting?"
"yeah," She sniffed. "everything hurts, Ant."
"i know, i know." i felt that pang in my chest. i didn't want to see her in pain. she barely even smiles anymore. "but it'll be okay."
"tony?' the door creaked open, and i was met by the sight of my little brother, pale skinned and brighteyed, wearing one of my dad's old white dress shirt. 
"yeah, toby?" I tried to keep quiet.
"what's wrong with Iz?"...



11followers celebration..

Izzi does these all the time-



my celebrity crushes

I HAVE A MAN CRUSH ON LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA. HE'S JUST SO COOL AND I LOVE "HAMILTON" plus, he sang at his wedding to serenade his wifey-
Emma Watson is cool
Emily Blunt is ubercool
Halsey is pretty-and cool too
Dove Cameron is a m a z i n g

my doggo is wearing an elf hat-i'm dying

MY DOGGO SPONGEBOB MCGEE (yeah, that's his real name. My nephew named him.) is wearing an elf hat and he's so confused, I love itttt-

she's-got-a-story| q&a thingie??

do you still live where you were born? 
no, I don't. I was actually born in Paris, where my mom is from. I live in Massachusetts now.

how many languages do you speak/study? 
eh, I know some french, and i like to use it on my girlfriend. What can i say, i like to see her blush.
do you consider yourself a good student? 
i do okay in most subjects, ELA is difficult though. That's part of the reason why i got this account.
do you sport? 
i sport. i play football, im a linebacker
are you religious? 
not really. i dont go to church that often.
what should you be doing right now? (me, studying for two tests i have in about 12 hours) 
physics homework
who was your last crush and why? 
well, my girlfriend Izzi is also on this site, {she's Izzi C. Moonlight}. And what can i say? She was the supporting role in the school musical,...


"Ant, this is wonderful." Izzi had said, squeezing my hand as we looked on at the screen.
"I know," I felt a smirk play on my lips. "I'm great."
It was a lazy date, we decided. We're still fifteen, and we didn't have enough money to go to an actual place. Like kids do.  So we binge watched The Office in our sweatpants and sweatshirts. With pizza. Pizza was always good.

"You're so full of it," She laughed, leaning onto my shoulder. "So full of it."
"And that's the way I like it." I kissed her on the head, and stroked her hair.

Then it happened.
Izzi was in a an accident.
She was injured pretty badly.

That scared the shit outta me.
I mean, what about blunt force trauma? Broken bones?

Her mom gave me updates and things.
The scars and bruises faded.
But the migraines and nausea didn't.
She stayed home for two weeks, just leaned over...

Health Class is Hell for Me.

Okay, I know it may seem super cliche to say this, because I'm pretty sure that every kid in the entire world could do without healthclass.
It's gross.
It's boring.
Am I right?
But the only thing that makes it worse is that you and your girlfriend coincidentally get put in the same class.
Your girlfriend.
Of course, there are always those few super annoying kids who decide to poke fun at you.
Especially this one kid, let's call him Noob.
Noob thinks its hilarious to make jokes about the birds and the bees in front of my girlfriend.
And they're not even good jokes.
One of my aliases is "Ant-BONE-y"
I'm sorry for the immense amount of cringe that may have caused you. I'll pay for your medical bills, I promise.
And the nicknames that Izzi gets, Oh, my God.
They're awful. 
She doesn't say anything during class, she just blushes and looks down at whatever script...

super weird (but cute) my girlfriend has said

She's pretty and small, but she's got one big mouth.

"We bow down to the tallest purple."
"Thomas Jefferson is a THOT; I love him."
"You've been banned from the Mickey Mouse Club for innapropriate behavior."
"Ew, Ant. That cologne makes you smell like a Calvin Klein magazine ad."
"James Charles is the queen of queens, okay?" (She actually hates James Charles, I don't know why.)
"DON'T TOUCH MY GLUTEN!" (She legitimately screamed this at me when I tried to steal some of her sandwich bread.)
"Ant, you would be a frickin' son of Hermes, okay?" (Actually, I see myself as more of a son of Apollo. She knows it, too.)

Izzi, I'm so Frick-Fracking Proud of YOU.









How I met My Girlfriend: A True Story

She was onstage, singing her heart out about lost love.
I was in the front row, knowing I had found my first love.

She had short curly brown hair that curled at the ends, just past her chin. Her skin was a fair peach color, spalttered with bits of freckles. Her rosy, pink lips were curled up in a shy smile. And when her hazel eyes, flecked with green and gold, locked with mine:
I squeaked. A fifteen year old linebacker on the football team, otherwise known as me, squeaked when a girl I barely knew locked eyes with me.

I was smitten. Absolutely smitten.
And I wasn't letting go..

I learnt her name was Izzi from my friend, Matt. He looked at me strange, even after the show.
"Dude, you have the hots for Izzi?"
I nodded.
"Are you getting hard for her?"

I told him to fuck off. 
But I immediately shut up.
Because there she was, standing...