alex-bandong

United States

Published Work

Poetry and Spoken Word Competition 2019

Overwhelming

Thanksgiving Day. 2018.
Enter a room full of family.
All eyes on you.
 
You stand still.
Voices fill your ears.
 
"Are you ready to graduate?"
"Ready to leave?"
"Ready for college life?"
"Ready to achieve?"
 
"College is important"
"Where are you going"
"College is difficult"
"Won't be easygoing"
 
"Have you thought of the future?"
"Thought about the past?"
"Thought about your friendships?"
"Think they will last?"
 
"What will you do after?"
"After you leave?"
"What job are you getting?"
"What will you achieve?"
 
The talk.
It overwhelms you.
 
Those questions.
Fill your head.
 
Palms sweat.
It's dreadful.
 
May 24, 2019.
Will you end up successful?

----------------------

listen to the spoken word version here: http://s20.onlinevideoconverter.com/download?file=g6b1e4b1e4f5i8

Poetry and Spoken Word Competition 2019

Overwhelming

http://s20.onlinevideoconverter.com/download?file=g6b1e4b1e4f5i8

Thanksgiving Day. 2018.
Enter a room full of family.
All eyes on you.
 
You stand still.
Voices fill your ears.
 
"Are you ready to graduate?"
"Ready to leave?"
"Ready for college life?"
"Ready to achieve?"
 
"College is important"
"Where are you going"
"College is difficult"
"Won't be easygoing"
 
"Have you thought of the future?"
"Thought about the past?"
"Thought about your friendships?"
"Think they will last?"
 
"What will you do after?"
"After you leave?"
"What job are you getting?"
"What will you achieve?"
 
The talk.
It overwhelms you.
 
Those questions.
Fill your head.
 
Palms sweat.
It's dreadful.
 
May 24, 2019.
Will you end up successful?

distant on 02-14 // an old piece of mine

I opened my eyes and found myself in a hospital room, and felt immediate pain shooting through my body. I shut my eyes, after getting blinded from the bright light.
“Painkillers?” I heard in the distance. I didn’t even recognize the voice. It felt distant.
“Is he awake?” I heard another voice say, distant. My eyes shot open and I shot straight up, pain shooting through my body again. The doctors rushed towards me and helped me lay back down, telling me to just stay laying down for now, saying it would help lessen the pain.
I agreed, not even remembering why I was in here. Where’s Mak, anyways? Hell, does she even know about this? I groaned, wracking my brain for where she was when this happened.

3 months earlier, I woke up at 6 am to book the best suite there was for Mak and I to stay in when we visited Aspen for Valentines Day. She’s never...

a thank you note to my best friend

dear best friend,
thank you for being there for me 24/7. thank you for all you do and are doing and will do in the future, for me. thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made and thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. thank you for teaching me things and learning things with me. thank you for all the love and affection you give me. thank you for all the little fights, and thank you for all the big fights. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to love and be loved. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to ask for help. thank you for putting up with me in my best and worst times. thank you for ruining my sleep schedule and for all of our awkward and/or awesome phone calls. thank you for all the awkward times. thank you for all of the shows and movies you’ve watched with me....

a thank you note to my best friend

dear best friend,
thank you for being there for me 24/7. thank you for all you do and are doing and will do in the future, for me. thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made and thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. thank you for teaching me things and learning things with me. thank you for all the love and affection you give me. thank you for all the little fights, and thank you for all the big fights. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to love and be loved. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to ask for help. thank you for putting up with me in my best and worst times. thank you for ruining my sleep schedule and for all of our awkward and/or awesome phone calls. thank you for all the awkward times. thank you for all of the shows and movies you’ve watched with me....

angsty relationship thoughts // 8-9-18

no. 1
it’s something you see happen in
so many movies and television shows and music and
even though it’s hard, the people eventually
get over it and then it is over.
 
they make it seem easy.
they make it seem doable.
well, welcome to reality, because
this shit is nothing close to easy.
 
----------------------------------------
 
no. 2
anger, close to foaming at the mouth
yet on the outside, perfectly
and utterly fine
to their eyes.
 
tears pouring down, can’t
handle this correctly or
well; yet still pulling off
the perfect façade.
 
happy as can be, yet
still unhappy; distractions
are the only thing keeping
them from going insane.
 
mood swings and keeping
the emotions hidden is
a huge part of this but after
some time, i know that this will pass.
 
time heals all wounds...or so they say.

constant lies // 9-28-18

Lies.
I have a college meeting on Monday.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
My dad can't drive you to school.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
I can't go to the meet tomorrow.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
I can't present today.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
I have work.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
I have enough money for dinner.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
I'll fix it this time.
Constant lies.
 
Lies.
I'm fine.
Constant lies.

the outdoors // 9-27-18

The sun is beating down on my arms, legs, hair.
 
It's warm, lively, happy.
 
I'm neutral about it.
 
The wind slightly hits my arms, legs, hair.
 
It's cool, relaxing, peaceful.
 
I love it.
 
The clouds slowly peel away from the sky, leaving us with a foggy residue.
 
It's muggy, wet, uncomfortable.
 
I hate it.

coping // 9-26-18

Push it off
Just avoid it
That? You don't need to do that
 
So I skip it
I ditch them
I avoid
Almost everything.
 
It's okay
They won't care
You're not needed
 
So I don't go
I leave early
I avoid
Almost everything.
 
Nobody will notice
May as well do it tomorrow
It's unnecessary
 
So I hide away
I don't reply
I avoid
Almost everything.
 
It's a coping mechanism
So,
It's hard to change.
 
How will you fix this?
 
Good question.

breakups // 8-26-18

fresh in my mind.
time heals all wounds.
we can only hope.

i tried so hard to keep it going but
you were clearly uninterested.

"love is a fucking lie" is not true.
love is amazing and terrifying all at the same time.

fall // 8-26-18

I unlocked the front door slowly and stepped outside. A brisk wind hit me, allowing chills to run down my spine. I shivered slightly and smiled. As I stepped further into my yard, I could feel, smell, see the difference.
 
The 90 degree, sticky, moist air was finally gone and replaced with the somewhat chilly, somewhat cool, cozy air of autumn. The leaves were beginning to change from their deep green colors to their rich, red-orange ones. The smell of pumpkin spiced lattes even filled my nostrils as they woke up from their long-lived slumber.
 
This is it. The season of comfy sweaters and warm hoodies and skinny jeans. The season of apple pie and pumpkin-flavored everything and steamy hot chocolate. The season of Halloween and delicious candy corn and haunted corn mazes.  The season of beautiful trees and crisp cold air and jaw-dropping colors everywhere you look. My favorite season, Fall, was finally here.

school! // 8-26-18

school has begun, and
with school comes work
and work and work and
more work.

with that work comes
seeing friends and meeting
new people and new teachers and
experiencing new things.

with a new year comes new 
classes and more learning and
my favorite class ever...
creative writing!

i am now in
a creative writing class and
it is one of the best classes i have
ever been in.

with this class comes
writing for homework every day.

and with that, comes new content.

enjoy :)

angsty relationship thoughts // 8-9-18

no. 1
it’s something you see happen in
so many movies and television shows and music and
even though it’s hard, the people eventually
get over it and then it is over.
 
they make it seem easy.
they make it seem doable.
well, welcome to reality, because
this shit is nothing close to easy.
 
----------------------------------------
 
no. 2
anger, close to foaming at the mouth
yet on the outside, perfectly
and utterly fine
to their eyes.
 
tears pouring down, can’t
handle this correctly or
well; yet still pulls off
the perfect façade.
 
happy as can be, yet
still unhappy; distractions
are the only thing keeping
them from going insane.
 
mood swings and keeping
the emotions hidden is
a huge part of this but after
some time, i know that this will pass.
 
time heals all wounds...or so they say.

not knowing // 8-8-18

not knowing is one of
the worst feelings
in the world.

not knowing can lead to tremendous
amounts of anxiety and fear
flowing throughout your body.

nope i can't keep going

movie review #13: the kissing booth

On my quest to watch interesting Netflix movies, I found The Kissing Booth. The Kissing Booth is a 2018 movie about two best friends in high school who have a kissing booth at a school fundraiser to raise money for their dance club; the female best friend ends up kissing her secret crush at the kissing booth and it changes her life forever.

The Kissing Booth was a movie I wanted to watch for awhile but my boyfriend and I took awhile to watch it and I thought it was: good. It felt overhyped from a lot of people and I bet if I'd had lower expectations I'd think it was great! or awesome! It was still good though, just not as good as people had made it seem. 

Two things from this movie that I liked were cliche of two best friends since birth and their rules they had for one another (but sometimes they got old or...

movie review #12: premature

On my quest to watch interesting Netflix movies, I came upon Premature. Premature is a movie from 2014 about a male high school senior who keeps re-living the same day over and over again until he gets it right. I'm warning you, don't watch this movie if you aren't interested in anything sexual, because trust me - it is very sexual. 

Premature isn't your typical losing-your-virginity-story, it also involves re-living the same day over and over again. It stars Rob Crabbe, and begins with him waking up from a wet dream to his mom screaming. Every day ends with him masturbating and it only ends if he actually ends up finishing. It is not a movie to watch with your family, I'd be sure of that. 

Premature stars Craig Roberts (as John Karna (who plays Rob Crabbe)'s best friend); he also played Trevor in The Fundamentals of Caring. He's British and funny and plays a great best friend...

movie review #11: to the bone

On my quest to watch interesting Netflix movies, I found To the Bone. This was a movie that my boyfriend and I originally thought was a show, so we thought we'd watch it together. While we were disappointed to find out it was a movie, it was pretty good overall.
 
Lily Collins is so beautiful and it was beautiful and terrifying to see her in this state. I love how sarcastic and funny her character, Ellen, is. I also love Ellen's sister.
 
I love Dr. Beckham and his relationship with Ellen. He's such a great person ahhhhh.
 
I actually hadn't watched this movie in awhile so I went to refresh myself on it and got so hooked that I started rewatching it. If that's not a good movie, what is?

This movie also includes a lot of informative things about anorexia which is nice because it allowed for a learning experience. Overall I'd give it a 4/5...

movie review #10: the fundamentals of caring

On my quest to watch interesting Netflix movies, I found The Fundamentals of Caring. I saw Paul Rudd and knew it was going to be a good movie, so I had to watch it.
 
I thought that this movie was going to be dumb at first but made myself keep going because Paul Rudd was in it. I couldn't pass it up then. I love Paul Rudd.
 
The beginning makes Ben (Paul Rudd) seem so sad and it made me want to know more about why. So at least there's that. I was intrigued by this movie because of how sarcastic Trevor is. It made me laugh so much. He's so dumb and funny and I love his character and the actor.
 
It's interesting to me how Trevor and Ben's road trip to the World's Deepest Pit gets sidetracked by Trevor wanting to visit his father. I knew it was going to be a bad idea...

movie review #9: happy anniversary

On my quest to watch interesting Netflix movies, I found Happy Anniversary. Happy Anniversary is one of those movies that I came across while searching for something, anything to watch. I read the caption and fell in love and had to watch it. My one mistake: I should've watched it with my boyfriend. (Dear boyfriend - I am very sorry!)
 
Happy Anniversary was intriguing to me because it was about a couple who had been together for awhile and realizing that maybe they weren't happy. Unfortunately, it was really relatable for me and that made it even better.
 
In the beginning, I was kind of bored by it and didn't get why I was watching it (as per usual with most of these Netflix movies I'd watched) but as it went on, I realized I actually liked it.
 
It makes me mad how I can relate to Molly because I'm currently in a relationship right now...

movie review #8: dude

On my quest for interesting Netflix movies, I found Dude. Dude peaked my interest when I saw Lucy Hale on the cover (probably their intention) and at first I thought, oh, it's just another Pretty Little Liars. I'd say it's Pretty Little Liars without all the killing and instead with a lot more weed.
 
While it does deal with death, it is in another way. It is a lot about high school drama and being seniors and going off to college. It is relatable for me because I'm going to be in that spot soon. It is very sexual though, so beware of that if you're not into that. It also has that cliché cool mom but it's okay.
 
It's also really funny and has some great quotes and I love it. Lucy Hale's character is a lot like me because she's really planned out so I understand how she feels when her plans don't go her...

movie review #7: coco

On my quest to watch interesting Netflix movies, I found Coco. Coco is a movie I've actually had a slight interest in watching since it came out, but I thought, nah. I'd also just never really gotten around to watching it. And when I found it on Netflix, I thought, hey, this movie is supposed to be good, right? And it's Disney! I love Disney. So I watched it. And I loved it.
 
Coco is a movie about a young boy named Miguel who is an aspiring musician whose past doesn't allow him to. His family hates music due to his great-great grandfather leaving his family to go after his dream involving music. Miguel sneaks around playing music and decides to try and bring his hero's (Ernesto de la Cruz) soul back to him on Dia de los muertos. He has his typical sidekick dog named Dante who follows him around; he is quite the eccentric street animal....

Paint Swatch

glorb!

purple glorb. it's purple with spots of sky blue and leafy green and deep, depressive black and colorless white.

movie review #6: love actually

On my quest for interesting Netflix movies, I found Love Actually. I'd wanted to see this movie for awhile actually and didn't realize it was on Netflix. This is one of my favorite movies. I love love, so it makes sense.
 
The beginning of this movie is beautiful to me. It makes me happy to see so many happy loving people. It makes me tear up. I love how it talks about love. I also love how it sneaks the movie title into the introduction and then transitions to a beautiful scene of a man somewhat badly singing. Lovely.
 
I love the different couples in this movie. I also love all the curse words in this movie, it just makes it. I adore how funny the movie is and all the dumb, weird jokes that are made. It's great how it deals with many different forms of love - love between husband and wife, young love, love...

movie review #5: you get me

On my quest for interesting Netflix movies, I found You Get Me. Within the first few seconds, I knew this would be a bad movie. It was made by Awesomeness Films. It also seemed like a bit of a cliché plotline - a guy with a girlfriend, good friends, a job, etc. The girl changes him! Wow. Intense. I'm in love. And then he meets a girl at a party and she's cool because his girlfriend just broke up with him. So naturally, he gets into a strangers car and, instead of freaking out like a normal person, just seems quite relaxed in a strangers car. And then she takes his phone from him. If it were me, I would've made her stop the car and gotten out awhile before all of this crazy shit happened. Alas, he did not do that. This movie is just crazy shit after crazy shit. He gets in a car with a stranger,...

Travel Writing Competition 2018

​The Older But Shorter Sister

Being old can suck at times; you can be out of the loop, your bones can get brittle, you fall a lot more. Being short can suck at times; you can't reach the cereal at the top of the pantry, you can't readjust your showerhead without slipping, you can't see in crowded places. Sometimes, the worst feeling is being the 90 year old in the room who is shorter and much older than everybody else. That is essentially how my hometown, Cary, probably feels, because it is older but smaller than its "sibling", Raleigh.
 
My hometown was founded in 1750 and began as a settlement that was later founded by a man who was both a farmer and a lumberman. It houses people who grew up there as well as many from upstate New York. Even less than 30% of my hometown's population originated in it. Typically, New Yorkers come to live in my hometown because of its cozy...

summer prompt #3 // 7-10-18

prompt: write a story or poem that starts with the word "hello".

hello, welcome to the world, your pacifier and helicopter parents are here to keep you safe.
hello, welcome to elementary school, hiya innocence.
hello, welcome to middle school, and hey, puberty.
hello, welcome to hell. i mean, high school. immaturity is welcome.
hello, welcome to the act test, take a seat.
hello, welcome to adulthood! are you okay? you look like you just got pushed out of the nest.
hello, welcome to college; ramen dinners and late night work sessions are going to become your life.
hello, welcome to the work force. you have no experience? good luck.
 
hello, welcome to the complex intricacies of life! all are welcome - some survive, some thrive, some just make it through each day.

summer prompt #2 // 7-10-18

prompt: write from the pov of someone who hates summer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
i roll my eyes in disgust as people splash around in the oily, dirty pool water just two feet away from me. i prefer to observe from afar as there is usually one too many kids in these pools, overcrowding it.
 
this, my friends, is thanks to the dreaded season of summer. summer typically involves either sweating in the eighty-five degree heat, sloshing around in the vile chlorine or desperately trying (and failing) to stay cool in the shade. all of these things suck. while i would've included chillaxing in the ac of my home, that isn't an option for me, since my lovely mother forces my siblings and i outside for all three months of summer. at first, it may seem fine and all, since we're out of school, but after a while it gets boring and incredibly unpleasant. and it's so hot out.
 
spending...

a thank you note to my best friend

dear best friend,
thank you for being there for me 24/7. thank you for all you do and are doing and will do in the future, for me. thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made and thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. thank you for teaching me things and learning things with me. thank you for all the love and affection you give me. thank you for all the little fights, and thank you for all the big fights. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to love and be loved. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to ask for help. thank you for putting up with me in my best and worst times. thank you for ruining my sleep schedule and for all of our awkward and/or awesome phone calls. thank you for all the awkward times. thank you for all of the shows and movies you’ve watched with me....

summer prompt #1 // 7-9-18

prompt: someone is driving with the car windows down, singing at the top of their lungs to their favorite song. who are they?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the drone sneaks in from above and from our pov (a large flat screen tv in a conference room at the top of a 50 foot building), we see a girl who looks to be about age 17 or 18. she has dark brown, long, wavy beautiful locks tied up into a messy side braid. her skin is lightly tanned and her big green eyes are staring out into the abyss of the highway. she looks to be screaming - no, singing - to some sort of audio. what is that? suddenly, the drone projects sound with the footage and we hear that the girl is listening to some kind of music. music? she's not supposed to be listening to that, it's illegal and has been outlawed by our almighty President. 

"we're moving in" we hear...

movie review #2: nick and norah's infinite playlist

Going along on my quest to watch Netflix movies that sound interesting to me is my second move, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

The first hour or so just felt like it was Nick, Norah and the gay band trying to find Norah’s drunk friend Caroline because she’d run away. It felt dragged out. I didn’t like Norah’s relationship with her ex. After that it was funny and I liked it.

In general, it was quite relatable. I think there should’ve been more of the last 20-30 minutes as the whole movie because it was romantic and funny and cute while most of the movie, like I said, was a chase for Norah’s friend. I don’t really know how I watched the whole movie. Maybe I missed something but the chase for Norah's friend may have been a huge part of the movie. I thought it was supposed to be all about the romance so maybe that’s why I was...

movie review #2: nick and norah's infinite playlist

Going along with my second review on my quest to watch Netflix movies is Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

The first hour or so just felt like it was Nick, Norah and the gay band trying to find Norah’s drunk friend Caroline because she’d run away. It felt dragged out. I didn’t like Norah’s relationship with her ex. After that it was funny and I liked it.

In general, it was quite relatable. I think there should’ve been more of the last 20-30 minutes as the whole movie because it was romantic and funny and cute while most of the movie, like I said, was a chase for Norah’s friend. I don’t really know how I watched the whole movie. Maybe I missed something but the chase for Norah's friend may have been a huge part of the movie. I thought it was supposed to be all about the romance so maybe that’s why I was disappointed. Overall, I'd say...

movie review #1: set it up

So, I’ve begun my quest to watch Netflix movies that sound interesting to me with my first movie, Set It Up.

I loved this movie. I loved Harper and what’s-his-names' characters. I hated their initial relationships (Harper with golf guy and what’s-his-name with Suze) but loved who they became as people, throughout the movie. Rick was an asshole, Kiersten was an asshole, and of course they didn’t work well together - they were both assholes.

I honestly didn’t pay a lot of attention in the very beginning of the movie but I got into it eventually and couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I absolutely loved the ending and how what’s-his-name stood up to Rick. I loved what’s-his-name and Harper’s friendship. It was adorable but obvious that they’d end up dating in the end, because that’s how predictable movies like this are. Or, I guess, movies/media in general these days. Or maybe everything is always predictable, some just get...

movie review #1: set it up

So, I’ve begun my quest to watch Netflix movies that sound interesting to me with my first movie, Set It Up.

I loved this movie. I loved Harper and what’s-his-names' characters. I hated their initial relationships (Harper with golf guy and what’s-his-name with Suze) but loved who they became as people, throughout the movie. Rick was an asshole, Kiersten was an asshole, and of course they didn’t work well together - they were both assholes. I honestly didn’t pay a lot of attention in the very beginning of the movie but I got into it eventually and couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I absolutely loved the ending and how what’s-his-name stood up to Rick. I loved what’s-his-name and Harper’s friendship. It was adorable but obvious that they’d end up dating in the end, because that’s how predictable movies like this are. Or, I guess, movies/media in general these days. Or maybe everything is always predictable, some just get...

movie review #2: nick and norah's infinite playlist

The first hour or so just felt like it was Nick, Norah and the gay band trying to find Norah’s drunk friend Caroline because she’d run away. It felt dragged out. I didn’t like Norah’s relationship with her ex. After that it was funny and I liked it. In general, it was generally relatable. I think there should’ve been more of the last 20-30 minutes as the whole movie because it was romantic and funny and cute while most of the movie, like I said, was a chase for Norah’s friend. I don’t really know how I watched the whole movie. Maybe I missed something but the chase for Norah's friend may have been a huge part of the movie. I thought it was supposed to be all about the romance so maybe that’s why I was disappointed. Overall, I'd say 3/5 stars. 

movie review #1: set it up

So, I’ve begun my quest to watch Netflix movies that sound interesting to me with my second movie, Set It Up. I loved this movie. I loved Harper and what’s his names characters. I hated their initial relationships (Harper with golf guy and what’s his name with Suze) but loved who they became as people, throughout the movie. Rick was an asshole, Kiersten was an asshole, and of course they didn’t work well together - they were both assholes. I honestly didn’t pay a lot of attention in the very beginning of the movie but I got into it eventually and couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I absolutely loved the ending and how what’s his name stood up to Rick. I loved what’s his name and Harper’s friendship. It was adorable but obvious that they’d end up dating in the end, because that’s how predictable movies like this are. Or, I guess, movies/media in general these days. Or...

movie review #1: set it up

So, I’ve begun my quest to watch Netflix movies that sound interesting to me with my second movie, Set It Up. I loved this movie. I loved Harper and what’s his names characters. I hated their initial relationships (Harper with golf guy and what’s his name with Suze) but loved who they became as people, throughout the movie. Rick was an asshole, Kiersten was an asshole, and of course they didn’t work well together - they were both assholes. I honestly didn’t pay a lot of attention in the very beginning of the movie but I got into it eventually and couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I absolutely loved the ending and how what’s his name stood up to Rick. I loved what’s his name and Harper’s friendship. It was adorable but obvious that they’d end up dating in the end, because that’s how predictable movies like this are. Or, I guess, movies/media in general these days. Or...

movie review #2: nick and norah's infinite playlist

The first hour or so just felt like it was Nick, Norah and the gay band trying to find Norah’s drunk friend Caroline because she’d run away. It felt dragged out. I didn’t like Norah’s relationship with her ex. After that it was funny and I liked it. In general, it was generally relatable. I think there should’ve been more of the last 20-30 minutes as the whole movie because it was romantic and funny and cute while most of the movie, like I said, was a chase for Norah’s friend. I don’t really know how I watched the whole movie. Maybe I missed something but the chase for Norah's friend may have been a huge part of the movie. I thought it was supposed to be all about the romance so maybe that’s why I was disappointed. Overall, I'd say 3/5 stars. 

worrying too much // 5-28-18

okay i have realized that i
need to stop writing or reading or
thinking about my best friend going off to
a foreign country because the more i read
things i’ve written about it or
the more i think about it the more
i want to cry and
i think i’ve cried enough and i
can’t do that all the time so to
make it through this i just
need to focus on
other things, make myself
busy while still putting in
the effort to stay in this.

unique? probably not

i worry that nothing makes me unique.
 
i worry that my cute laugh is just derived from my parents,
and i worry that my jokes are not original in any way,
and i worry that i will cry over this because i am hormonal,
and i worry that my boyfriend will get hurt or scared or that something will happen in argentina,
and i worry that i do take him for granted.
 
i worry that I just made this into something that wasn't talking about my uniqueness, so
i will get back into it.
 
i worry that nothing makes me unique.
i worry that the things i like aren't good enough.
i worry that the things i feel unique about don't actually make me unique.
 
i worry and i worry and i worry and i worry
 
that i'm not good enough.
 
i worry that my unique hobbies, quirks, quotes, and other weird things, are...

you will be okay // 5-27-18

"it is going to be okay", you say,
"it is going to be okay," he says,
"you will be okay." so i begin to
repeat this over and over and over and over so that
i will not forget it.
 
i forget just about 50% of what i hear, and
i remember about 50% of what i am told.
 
to try and remember, i
repeat things over and
over and over and over and
over, so there is maybe even
just a slight possibility that i could remember it.
 
so when he told me that i would be okay, i
walked into my bedroom and started repeating it,
over and over and
"you will be okay"
over and over and
"you will be okay"
over and over again.
 
And i think i
will be okay.
 
i really think i will.
 
i think i
will get through this.
 
i mean, i have to, right? ...

i'm laughing // 5-27-18

it's raining,
it's pouring,
life is so boring.
 
i'm laughing,
i'm crying,
we're all fucking dying.

just some thoughts // 5-25-18

5-25-18
today i was having a generally meh day because i saw my boyfriend once this morning
he took the pact and then i spent 3 hours in a dumb session about college and
then we had intense free time and i spent it kind of just listening to a somewhat
friend of mine rant about her boyfriend and their issues.
 
then i went to lunch and planned to eat with my boyfriend but
per usual, had forgotten that we hadn't planned it and then i was kind of sad
but got over it and had some fun talking with one friend of mine who
i don't talk with too much.
 
then i planned to have a jolly fun time with my friends during a 2 hour assembly but i was put
next to a guy i despise, instead of my friends,
which indeed did not make it a jolly good time.
 
after it ended, my
boyfriend...

a thank you note to my best friend

dear best friend,
thank you for being there for me 24/7. thank you for all you do and are doing and will do in the future, for me. thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made and thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. thank you for teaching me things and learning things with me. thank you for all the love and affection you give me. thank you for all the little fights, and thank you for all the big fights. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to love and be loved. thank you for teaching me that it is okay to ask for help. thank you for putting up with me in my best and worst times. thank you for ruining my sleep schedule and for all of our awkward and/or awesome phone calls. thank you for all the awkward times. thank you for all of the shows and movies you’ve watched with me....

i don't know what to do // 5-20-18

so im quite hormonal right now and
it doesn’t help that my boyfriend is
going off to a foreign country in about a week and then
he'll be away for 2 weeks and he
will probably change and
i could hate him but
if i do i won't be able to get the courage to
break up but at this point
i probably won't even need to do that because
he is probably going to break up with me
tomorrow because i've decided to spend one of
the last nights we could have together, with
my other friends because
they are always busy and i never
get to talk with them anymore because i am
always eating lunch with my boyfriend and
spending essentially all of my free time with him
and i'm going to be graduating in about a
year and 5 days and i don't want
this upcoming year to be friendless and
lonely and depressing and
i...

ramble

so my dad wants me to write a blog and
i feel like putting my feelings out in front of
a real audience - not that you
guys aren't a real audience but
i really don’t know if anyone is
actually reading this so maybe
a blog would be a better idea but
then it wouldn't be anonymous and i'd rather
have it be anonymous because then
i can rant about things and nobody would
know what it was about or who
it was about and
that was a lot of
rambling sorry.

radioactive

i have so much anger inside of me and
i can't get it out and
i need to cry and scream and
i want to break a glass and
rip a hair tie and scratch my
legs up and throw things at
the wall and bang my fists against
a pillow and a desk and the ground and
i'm scared and crying and hurt and
i can't do this i can't do this
i
can't
do
this.
 
senior year scares me, and
college scares me, and
real life scares me and
i don't know how to do anything and
i'm just uNstaBle.

we are all products

we are all products of our parents--
some are raised to be outgoing,
some to be reserved, kept to themselves,
some to be cynical,
others, to be loving.
 
we are all products of our environments--
some are raised in a wealthy, white collar family,
others are brought up as blue collar workers,
some are raised to be truthful, caring people,
others, to be ruthless and selfish.
 
we are all products of our society--
most of us try and conform to it,
trying to be extroverted and loved by all and
wearing neutral colors to blend in;
some are the best type of people,
wearing their orange obey hoodies and their steven universe cheeseburger backpacks and
not giving a shit what anybody else thinks.
 
we are all products--
yet still our own people,
and, frankly,
there will never be another
person like you or
like your grandfather or your
sister or your best friend;
so we must all...

Friendship Tweet

two opposites

it is the fights, the support;
the love, the hate;
the drama, the peace;
the tears and the laughter.
 
it is about the experiences, the new things;
the hobbies, the work;
the common themes, the differences.
 
it is friendship, and
friendship is two people coming together,
is about two people being able to count on each other,
and share clothing and food and stories.

The Unknown

politics?

i don't know much about politics yet
sometimes i feel like i know more than
some of those goddamn fucking
idiots who have voted and
can vote for these elected officials.

society makes us care too much

i always get caught up
in the little things;
like how i look,
how others see me,
things like that.
 
i bet you all do the same,
considering we are all slaves to this thing,
this thing called society.
 
society causes us all to worry
about the little things that
really don't matter in
the grand scheme of things.
 
how i looked at a dance won't matter in
a week, a month, or a year.
 
how i looked for that first day of school,
my junior year,
doesn't matter, wouldn't matter, won't matter, in
a week, a month, or a year.
 
how you did on that english analytical
paragraph won't matter in
a few months, next year, or in 5 years.
 
frankly, the issue, this
stigma of caring about the smallest,
littlest things is engrained
in our brains and
it's not something you can just
*snap* and change.
 
like most things, not ...

throughout the years

throughout the years, i have
met people, made friends, and lost friends.
 
through all of these people, i have
grown (not height-wise) to become the
person i am today.
 
when i was in 6th grade, i had a friend who was generally outgoing and
loud and crazy and
never afraid to be themselves - that friend taught me
that it is not bad to get a little rowdy and weird.
 
when i was in 6th grade, i met a friend who is somewhat quiet and
incredibly intelligent and kind and
easily confident and unconfident at the same time - that friend taught me
that failure isn't an option and food is always a motivator.
 
when i was in 6th grade, i met a friend who is brutally honest and
reserved and funny and
always up to listen to me talk - that friend taught me
that you must try your hardest at everything and that honesty...

society makes us care too much

I always get caught up
in the little things;
Like how I look,
How others see me,
Things like that.
 
I bet you all do the same,
Considering we are all slaves to this thing,
This thing called society.
 
Society causes us all to worry
about the little things that
Really don't matter in
The grand scheme of things.
 
How I looked at a dance won't matter in
A week, a month, or a year.
 
How I looked for that first day of school,
My junior year,
Doesn't matter, wouldn't matter, won't matter, in
A week, a month, or a year.
 
How you did on that English analytical
paragraph won't matter in
A few months, next year, or in 5 years.
 
Frankly, the issue, this
Stigma of caring about the smallest,
Littlest things is engrained
In our brains and
It's not something you can just
*snap* and change.
 
Like most things, not ...

just some thoughts // 4-23-18

i realized that i missed
april twelfth this month so the
poem is way too
late but hey
that's okay because
today i am purely
and frankly
very happy.
 
so i guess
this is the first of
its kind.
 
today there was no
fighting or yelling or
getting angry
 
today there was simply a visit
to my man
and a school day
full of feeling very, very loved.
 
it wasn't even that
much of a day
but i just felt loved
and maybe i'm being dramatic here but
it was pretty great for one of those ordinary days.
 
it is sad that this is what it takes to make me this happy
"no fighting" and "no yelling"
but hey, it's the little things,
i guess.
 
I don’t have much more to say, so;
here are just some thoughts
from a girl, at
ten twenty four, on
a monday evening

Open Prompt

(an angry letter rambling to myself) just some thoughts // 3-12-18

"it's fine" you say, yet
you feel like shit
"we'll talk later" you say, yet
you try your hardest to procrastinate it as long as possible
"i l o v e you." you say, yet
you barely even know what that word means
 
you are a lazy, piece of
shit, good for nothing sonuvabitch who
doesn't know how to commit to anything.
 
you don't know how to initiate things, or
do things, or not take people or
things, for granted.
 
you don’t know shit about
love, and if you ever try telling yourself that you
do, you are telling yourself a complete and utter lie
because you, for one, know nothing,
nothing,
about love.
 
what is love, you ask yourself,
staring at your bedroom wall,
wondering what you did wrong,
wondering why he keeps threatening to leave,
wondering why,
why,
why.
 
you don't get it, you
say to yourself. you just don't
get that he...

anger, obviously

i take a deep breath before i write this and
yet i am screaming inside my head and
my hands are freezing and
my stomach hurts and
now i'm just complaining and
nobody wants to hear that.
 
my head is full of so many thoughts and
so many noises and
so much.
 
it is too much sometimes, while
also not enough.
 
my head can't think straight and
i can't get work done and
i can't do anything.
 
i am not enough, therefore
nothing will ever be enough.
 
this is about much more than
i am alluding to.
i mean,
obviously, or
this would be a much shorter
happier poem.
 
if you can even call this a poem.
it is probably just
a ramble, and
a rant, and
a worthless piece of shit that nobody is going to read.
 
i am screaming into
the dark abyss, just
wanting to be heard,
just wanting to...

Monostich

this-isn't-real

The screaming, the fighting, the anger - it's all in my head.

anger, obviously

i take a deep breath before i write this and
yet i am screaming inside my head and
my hands are freezing and
my stomach hurts and
now i'm just complaining and
nobody wants to hear that.
 
my head is full of so many thoughts and
so many noises and
so much.
 
it is too much sometimes, while
also not enough.
 
my head can't think straight and
i can't get work done and
i can't do anything.
 
i am not enough, therefore
nothing will ever be enough.
 
this is about much more than
i am alluding to.
i mean,
obviously, or
this would be a much shorter
happier poem.
 
if you can even call this a poem.
it is probably just
a ramble, and
a rant, and
a worthless piece of shit that nobody is going to read.
 
i am screaming into
the dark abyss, just
wanting to be heard,
just wanting to...

anger, obviously // take 2

i can barely express myself in words,
phrases, or
sentences, yet
i am still here, typing
away at my four year old lenovo keyboard,
trying to make a piece of writing out of a shit of a paragraph.
 
or a stanza, i guess, i
don't really know how poetry works.
 
anyways, i
kind of have a lot to say.
 
as i type this out, i am
angry and stressed and cold
and trying to not throw these various pieces
of glass across my floor to
make myself feel any better than
i do right now
but even this is just making me more and more
and more and more
stressed out by the second and i
don’t know what to do
or how to handle this
or how to do anything, frankly
 
i don’t draw lines in the sand like you may do at the beach
and that makes things much more
complicated than they should...

today // 4-3-18

today,
i talked to someone and
it was really nice because
i felt listened to
and heard
and understood.
 
i really
needed that.
 
i feel like i'm always just spoken to;
do this,
do that, and
i follow it.
i do what
i am told.
 
i feel like i say things
and they go unheard
or misunderstood.
 
today,
i talked to someone and
it was really nice because
i felt cared for
and loved
and happy.

Open Prompt

(an angry letter rambling to myself) just some thoughts // 3-12-18

"it's fine" you say, yet
you feel like shit
"we'll talk later" you say, yet
you try your hardest to procrastinate it as long as possible
"i l o v e you." you say, yet
you barely even know what that word means
 
you are a lazy, piece of
shit, good for nothing sonuvabitch who
doesn't know how to commit to anything.
 
you don't know how to initiate things, or
do things, or not take people or
things, for granted.
 
you don’t know shit about
love, and if you ever try telling yourself that you
do, you are telling yourself a complete and utter lie
because you, for one, know nothing,
nothing,
about love.
 
what is love, you ask yourself,
staring at your bedroom wall,
wondering what you did wrong,
wondering why he keeps threatening to leave,
wondering why,
why,
why.
 
you don't get it, you
say to yourself. you just don't
get that he...

Open Prompt

(an angry letter rambling to myself) just some thoughts // 3-12-18

"it's fine" you say, yet
you feel like shit
"we'll talk later" you say, yet
you try your hardest to procrastinate it as long as possible
"i l o v e you." you say, yet
you barely even know what that word means
 
you are a lazy, piece of
shit, good for nothing sonuvabitch who
doesn't know how to commit to anything.
 
you don't know how to initiate things, or
do things, or not take people or
things, for granted.
 
you don’t know shit about
love, and if you ever try telling yourself that you
do, you are telling yourself a complete and utter lie
because you, for one, know nothing,
nothing,
about love.
 
what is love, you ask yourself,
staring at your bedroom wall,
wondering what you did wrong,
wondering why he keeps threatening to leave,
wondering why,
why,
why.
 
you don't get it, you
say to yourself. you just don't
get that he...

dearest red

bright lights blinding your
precious eyes
 
loud pyrotechnics exploding into your
beloved ears
 
everything goes silent as the sky glows that
special deep color you love
 
ashes practically crashing down onto your
irreplaceable small body
 
while you are merely just watching everybody's
favorite firework show -- wishes

 

just some thoughts // 2-12-18

"you're fine" they say, yet
you feel like shit
"you're going to school" they tell you, yet
you try your hardest to get out of it
"eat" they yell, yet
they don't make your sister eat

they're always telling you to do things, yet
you just want to sit in your room, and
let the world fade away, around
you.

you'd be perfectly content with something to love,
something to cuddle with,
something.

something more than the dumbass turtle you decided you wanted, back
in 2013

"i want a cat" you say, yet
you don't say it, you type it because

we live in a world, where
we communicate through cell phones

we live in a world, where
we refuse to talk to our family members, because
interacting with them is worse than
avoiding them altogether

i'm being hypocritical here.
i myself
am better through text.
through fake communication,
through...a screen.

and what's good about that?

---

what a world...

Love in 13 Words

what is love? it depends

we're all different and have different lives, one thing still stands - love is love