Just a thought...

United States of America

~Senior

~She/Her

~Words are like blankets. I just want to be wrapped in them forever.

~ My drama teacher called me a chapstick lesbian. She really gets me.

~ I'm not uncomfortable but I feel so uncomfortable"
Wallows

Message from Writer

I only publish first drafts...good luck.

Sorry if I write like I'm twelve. I'm not.

Have fun reading my thoughts

Published Work

our journey to us

I thought I lost you, 
Again and a gain, 
We always knew each other, 
As lovers and friends. 
We both knew this would soon come to an end,
I just wish it wasn't so soon. 

It started a year ago, 
When we connected in a second, 
You were my best friend, 
After maybe one minute, 
How did you know me so well?

Then we stopped talking, 
We had to, 
But we knew how we felt about one another, 
You were my favorite person to talk to, 
So I hoped it would work out later. 

Around a year later, 
You were at my school again, 
I wouldn't have talked to you, 
But fate was on my side, 
Somehow, you were a filler in my room, 
We talked when we probably shouldn't have, 
It was great, 
Yet awful, 
Because you were "over me"

It hurt because it felt like we were done, 
But we weren't, 
We were both keeping a secret from...

just like in the movies

Just like in the movies,
When we first met,
You knew me.
Saw me inside and out,
And I knew without a doubt. 

Cause when you smiled at me, 
The world fell away, 
I stumbled around, 
Didn't know what to say. 
Just like in the movies. 

I came and then I left, 
Because I was scared, 
But after all that time, 
You still were right there. 

Cause when you smiled at me, 
The world fell away, 
I stumbled around, 
Didn't know what to say. 
Just like in the movies.  

You were standing right there, 
And my heart almost flew, 
Right out of my chest, 
And straight back to you. 
You felt the same way, 
Wish I could go back and stay. 

J u s t
    l i k e
        i n
           t h e
                m o v i e s. 
             Y o u
           r e a l l y
        a l w a y s
      k n e w
m...

my underrated favorite

you were my sunday morning sunrise,
roller skating eighth birthday parties,
bedtime stories,
forehead kisses,
a warm hug after a bad day.

you were my favorite underrated thing,
was i ever yours?

i remember the first time you kissed me,
the sun was setting in your eyes,
we had our foreheads pressed against each other,
you leaned in and kissed me,
and then you smiled.

that memory is on constant replay,
along with every other first and last,
every time we touched hands,
said the same thing at the same time.

i remember when i realized i loved you,
you weren't next to me,
but it didn't matter,
because you were there.

but the distance lasted too long, 
you stopped being happy with what we had,
the spark didn't light up fires for you, 
so we stopped.

and it hurts,
because you're still my underrated favorite,
was i ever yours?

not enough

Have you ever met the sun?
The extravagant,
Glowing orb of vibrancy
That makes the world brighter.
Without it,
The Earth would die.

Do you see the air you breathe?
Without science class,
You'd never know it existed.
It seems...bland, regular, plain.
But when you look on a molecular level,
It is so intricate and interesting.

But I am not the sun,
Nor the air.

I am the gum on the sidewalk,
Stuck in one place,
Wishing for something better,
But not deserving of it.

I am the twice recycled paper,
Outlived its usefulness,
Past the part where I was important,
Throw me away in the trash where I belong.

She is the sun,
Vibrant and beautiful,
Never failing to light up the sky.

She is the air,
Seemingly average,
But give her a chance to show you how amazing she is and you'll see it.

But I am trash in comparison to her.
I am not enough.

stuck

A man wakes up early to pour concrete. After losing his last job, this is the only job he could get after what happened. 

He used to wake up at seven every morning to get to the office on time, but now he had to be at work two hours before. 

He used to happily crunch numbers until five and go home to his beautiful wife and daughter, now he would sit in a position that felt like his back was being crunched only to go home to no one. 

You may be wondering, “What happened?” 

So does he.

He questions it every day. 

Sometimes you can lose everything so suddenly. 

He woke up to no company one day and no family the next.

Nobody would hire him because of what happened. 

So he poured his concrete in the blazing heat, for hours left alone with his thoughts. 

He smoothed the concrete until it was essentially without blemish. 

Then, a...

i love you

I love you. 
I love the way you say my name. 
I love your smile
I love your laugh
I love your music taste
I love having your hands and lips on mine
I love the way you look at me
I love that you think about me
I love you. 

what i love about her

Her eyes are gorgeous. 
I feel like I could swim in them for all of forever.
Her smile is radiant, 
It could light up a black hole. 
When she laughs…
Don’t even get me started. 
Just being around her makes me weak. 
She knows just what to say.
She is so trustworthy, 
And caring, 
And kind. 
Her awkwardness never gets in the way of our good times,
It actually matches mine. 
We have so much in common, 
It’s insane this didn’t happen sooner. 
She makes me happy just by existing, 
Somehow, with her, all of my problems fade away. 
She is the cutest when she flirts, 
Or tries to make a move on me, 
And when she makes fun of me, 
Especially when she’s right next to me. 
That’s my favorite thing, 
When we’re sitting side by side. 
Honestly, my favorite thing though,
Is when she sees me for the first time, 
After having to only talk through text. 
She’s...

almost there

I’m ready to be free, 
To sever the chains you’ve held me on for years, 
With every second, 
Step, 
Word. 

No longer will I be stuck in this loop of insanity, 
Worrying that you’ll catch me doing something I told you I’d be doing, 
Asking multiple times to do things in order to make sure they’re allowed, 
Saying sorry when I’ve done nothing wrong, 
Lying but only when it’s convenient for you. 

It’s time to face the world, 
Test my skills, 
Face your fears, 
Show you that I can do this, 
Give myself the freedom I deserve. 

Six more months and I’ll be home, 
Not the place but the feeling, 
With friends, 
Chosen family, 
Warm hugs, 
Less anxiety, 
And people that will love me the way I want to be, 
Rather than how they wish I could be. 

I don’t want to lose you, but if you can’t love me for me then you can’t love me at all. 

not everything is terrible

There is a storm cloud over my head, 
Finals suck, 
She definitely doesn’t like me that way, 
I’m ugly, 
My closest friend is gone, 
Everything I say sounds annoying, 
I need to get a mindset makeover.

In order to do this...

I have to remind myself of the good things like, 
My musicality, 
Her smile, 
Optimistic humans, 
Baby animals, 
Love in general, 
All the good things. 

Then, I remember my reasons for waking up, 
The list still isn’t up, 
Jovana is leaving soon so I have to spend time with her, 
I haven’t seen my extended family in years and want to, 
My impact still hasn’t been made, 
It’s almost working. 

But finally, 
I remember to write, 
And that always calms me down, 
It worked,
I guess I can finally go to sleep now. 

breathe

What do you do when your 
Lungs aren’t where they belong, 
Heart won’t get back in its cage, 
Brain is turned to mush, 
Emotions won’t turn themselves off?

How do you fix something when no one else seems to think it’s broken?

You are my, 
Best friend that I won’t hesitate to confide in, 
Favorite person to be around, 
Most understanding and funny human I know, 
Crush even though I know it’s wrong. 

How do you get over feelings for someone you never thought you’d have feelings for?

It’s not supposed to be like this, 
Yelling because I’m overwhelmed, 
Staring because you’re gorgeous, 
Ignoring you because I’m scared, 
Being around you is necessary, 
You are my breath. 

What do you do when breathing is impossible?

dad (part 2)

Dear Mr. Z, 
        Today is a good day because after months of preparation, I made the first round honor group! I guess you were right, as always. I guess I really did know the audition pieces well. You did say I’m an overachiever. Anyway, the concert is next month and we still have to work together more. You can’t get rid of me that easily! See you next week for our lesson. 
                                                                                                                                                             From,        
                                                                                                                                                                    your student

Dear Mr. Z, 
        I’m sorry I left your class today. I just couldn’t handle it. Sometimes I bring issues from home to school without realizing it. The attacks just sneak up on me and I can’t help it sometimes. Thanks for trying to help me. Stop worrying about me though, I promise, I’ll be fine. I appreciate you listening. You’re a really good teacher. 
                                                                                                                                                              From,        
                                                                                                                                                                    your student
...

almost mourning

The sun is almost up, 
It’s almost morning, 
You’ve been gone for six months, 
But you’re still on my mind. 

You used to tell me you hated my melancholy, 
I never understood what that meant, 
Until now, 
Since you’ve left, 
I’ve been stuck there. 

I got your letter, 
You aren’t coming back, 
“Promise you won’t come looking for me.”
Were your last words to me, 
Of course I promise. 

Why did you leave?
You always said it wasn’t good but that you’d stay, 
I never thought you’d lie to me, 
But you did, 
And I’m still mourning the loss of you. 

The sun is shining through the mountains, 
It’s about mourning, 
Because you’re still gone, 
And I still miss you. 

dad

It’s been a long time since I first met you. 
    
In those years, 
You’ve shown me my passion, 
How to be myself, 
And most of all, 
How to be a good person. 

You are my biggest role model. 

Every time I was around you I felt, 
Safe, 
Heard, 
Understood, 
And loved. 

You are so effortlessly understanding and overwhelmingly kind. 

I almost always told you the truth, 
About my relationships, 
Feelings, 
Home, 
And life. 

You still have never given me a reason not to trust you. 

I told you everything about me, 
My dreams, 
Aspirations, 
Who I am. 

You helped me see that my dreams are achievable and that I am perfect the way I am. 

Every time I talked, 
You listened, 
Were there, 
Helped me through it all. 

You honestly saved my life and I don’t know how I could ever thank you enough. 

a mix of sadness and hatred

It's hard living this way. 
Crying so hard you can't breathe, 
Losing sleep, 
Or gaining too much, 
The anger, fear, and anxiety, 
I'm just beyond overwhelmed and hurt and confused. 

thought I was past this. 
I guess not, 
Have you ever hated yourself so much that you got chills?

Yeah...
Me neither. 

the light always overpowers the dark

Part 1: Becoming the Dragon
 
I am engulfed by the flames of emotion,
Overflowing with rage, 
More spill out, 
Forcing me to become one with the fire around me. 
I can’t stop the demon from filling me with its evil, 
I feel every emotion enter and exit my body, 
The anxiety comes first, 
Then anger, 
Then love, 
Then so many they’re indistinguishable.
I feel myself writing in pain, 
But can’t help but smile at my new power. 
The scales grow harder with every terrible thought, 
Soon I’m covered from head to toe and I’m ten times larger.
What have I become?

Part 2: People are nothing compared to this power.

I envy them, 
Their loud, laughter, loosely tightens like a hand around my neck, 
Tighter and tighter until I feel my reptilian skin throbbing, 
The pain is unbearable, 
Until the claw is no longer clenched around my neck, 
But slowly squeezing the air from them, 
I don’t know what...

questions i'm not ready to have answered yet

1. Why did you abandon me when you sad you wouldn't?
All I feel is empty, 
Angry, 
Deceived,
Lonely, 
Hurt. 
 
2. Do you actually miss me?
Or are we back to where I was before?
With her and her lies, 
Her grip on my feelings, 
My heart, 
My life.

3. Where were you when I needed you?
You said you’d always be there, 
But you weren’t. 
I was and still am so lost.
The tears sting so much but you’re not there to stop them.

4. Do you still care?
When you wrapped your arms around me, 
It felt that way. 
But what did it mean when you walked away?
All of my questions have extra questions and I don’t know how to stop the doubt.

5. Did you ever?

i have so many questions and i don't know where to start

Why do you read things but not respond to them?
Maybe you’re busy, 
Or I’m taking it out of proportion, 
But it hurts when you don’t talk back.

Why did you leave me alone with my feelings and emotions?
I don’t know how to take care of my emotional health, 
You always knew how to bring me back, 
They keep building and getting worse but I can’t fix it.

Why do I miss you even though you clearly don’t miss me?
Maybe you do but I’m paranoid, 
Or you actually don’t, 
I hope it’s the former. 

Why do I cry over you when you're not even thinking of me?
My eyes sting at just the thought of you, 
But you were my best friend, 
My most trusted person, 
I miss you but you don't seem to care.

But my biggest question of all is...
Why did you abandon me when you said you wouldn’t?

true love

True love is one of the easiest things to find but one of the hardest things to let go. 

I’m not talking about romantically, 
I mean platonically, 
Parentally, 
Even just the bond of family. 

It’s everywhere. 
In friends, 
Parents, 
Siblings, 
Teachers. 

Shown in so many gestures, 
Things as simple as a smile, 
A high-five, 
Or just saying “I’m here for you”

The feeling of being truly loved is explainable, 
It’s like being hugged by your biggest role model after being honest and emotional, 
Being completely trusted by someone you completely trust, 
Knowing that you would do anything for this person and they would for you too. 
Again, not just romantically. 

The first time I felt true love wasn’t a romantic relationship but a role model. 
It’s hard to describe the feeling. 
It’s beyond happy but almost solemn but nowhere beyond nor between them...

Do you understand?

close

I want to feel close to someone again. 

I want a girl to
Hold her hand in mine, 
Wrap my arms around, 
Give all my attention to, 
Tell all my secrets, 
Be the real me. 

But it’s hard. 

I’m
Hard to deal with, 
Scared to hurt someone or get hurt again, 
Not your standard of beauty, 
Damaged goods.

Who wants that?

To be close is to know their
Hands, 
Secrets, 
Lips,
Quirks, 
True selves. 

But I don’t know how. 

How do you get close to someone when you’ve been hurt so many times?

not today

This hurts.
It's not your fault you don't like me back.  
I just wish you wanted to be with me.  
You told me you liked him but I guess it didn't register until I saw your reaction...  
How he makes you smile,  
The way you say his name,  
Your eyes lit up brighter than the sun.

I should've seen this coming.  
Maybe I kind of did.  
I never thought it would hurt this bad.  
Maybe I'm too attached.  
This need to tell you how I feel is so strong,
Yet I don't want you to stop talking to me the same way.  
I love being your friend.  
But I wish we were more.  

I want to like somebody else.  
Desperately.  
But I just can't.  
I've liked you for a while, but it was just superficial.  
What changed, you may ask?
Can't really say...
...

and I just want to scream your name

I've known you since we were little kids,
You set me on fire. 
Racing pulse,
Sweaty palms, 
My heart can't help but swell, 
and I just want to scream your name.

Your eyes are vibrant and gorgeous,
I could stare at them for a millennium.
You don't understand what I think is so special about them,
But how can anyone not stare? 
and I just want to scream your name

I live your brain,
No way I could be running though it,
Everyone knows that you are the embodiment of intelligence. 
Your brilliance never ceases to amaze me, 
and I just want to scream your name.

Every word you say is precious, 
I hang on to every one, 
You probably don't notice,
Never did I think I could love a voice this much, 
and I just want to scream your name.

one year later

It's been a year.

A year ago…
you were 17 and I was 15,
I was hopelessly infatuated with you,
we were good friends,
talking every day,
the smell of your perfume made me smile,
seeing you overwhelmed me with happiness.

Today…
you are 18 and I am 16,
I am hopelessly infatuated with you,
we are barely friends,
talking scarcely,
the smell of your perfume makes me unbelievably melancholy,
seeing you overwhelms me with anxiety but still a wave of happiness.

A year later,
I still miss you,
and see you everywhere...
in my hands that you used to hold,
lips you almost graced with a kiss,
works I wrote about you,
I still see you in everything that makes me happy.

you are still what makes me the happiest.
 

thinking...

My thoughts like to roam free and remind me of things.

Things that I wish I could forget
like the way her perfume smelled
and how perfectly her hand fit in mine,
The way she said my name,
her vibrant personality,
how easily she could make me laugh and blush and feel whole.
It’s not like I want her, but I need her.

Then I finally come back to reality...
I know that she’s past me and onto the next.

Now I’m thinking about who she’s holding hands with,
resting her head on,
surprising,
calling names in that cute way,
and everything else that almost happened but never did
because I was young and scared.

I keep going back to that day in the band room when I held her and grasped her hand and almost…
But all of that regret turns to anger and sadness but mostly happiness because we had such an amazing time and she was so...

everywhere

It’s been a year...

A year without you
holding my hand,
calling me yours,
getting jealous over me,
laying your head on my lap,
showing off your perfect smile,
turning me into a toxic person right along with you.

But I miss it.

I miss you
calling me stupid,
grabbing my hand,
stealing my jacket,
borrowing my attention from everyone else,
making me think I had a chance.

And you’re everywhere.

I find you in the worst places,
favorite songs,
my best friend’s perfume,
writing, scribbled in my notebook,
a jacket I wear every day,
talking to an old friend…

and even when you’re gone, you still run through my mind.

want

I want to hold your hand,
Feel your heart beating close to mine,
Hug you for all of forever and more,
Stare at you until my eyes hurt,
Listen to your voice until you run out of things to say,
Make you laugh that laugh that I swear was reserved for me,
Smile that smile that made me melt.

I want you to feel the same about me, not him.
Make fun of me again.
Lay your head on my lap,
Call me stupid,
Be jealous of everyone I give attention to over you,
Hold my hand and tell me you’re there,
Slow dance with me in our friend’s kitchen,
The way you did before.

I don’t want you to ruin my life again.

I need you to ruin my life again.

everything and nothing

I miss when getting hurt was called an ouchie.
Sometimes I forget about that feeling in my heart .
When I see your face:
I still feel your hands on mine,
Your heartbeat against my ear,
The warmth your smile brings to my cheeks,
The everything and nothing you made me feel all at once...

Our happy content.

But then it all comes rushing back to me:
Sleepless nights I spent thinking about if you were with him,
The weeks I spent crying over you,
Words poured onto paper because it hurt too much to say your name,
Months spent wondering if it was all in my head,
Analyzing those stupid messages over and over until I could recite them backwards,
You gave me everything and nothing.
You put a major ouchie on my heart.

sketches in math class

He watches as she stares off into space.
Every so often, her lips turn upward into a smile.
He wonders what she's off dreaming of.
Tenderly, he sketches her detailed features onto his unfinished homework.
Drawing the lines on her hands, showing all her thoughts and emotions.
He draws the way the nape of her neck carefully curves, the way their hands fit together perfectly, how right it is when their lips press together.
The equations are no match for her obvious beauty captured on this page.
It's beautiful.
She's beautiful.
Knowing that she's in the same place, he passes it to her. 

She pretends to take notes while imagining them together. 
Their lips gently brushing together as they can't help but smile. 
All of their time spent together is wrong but they don't think about it when they're together.
She spends every second so occupied on how perfect everything feels.
"I hope this never ends" she scribbles across the...

to the girl in my english class

Your words are a blessing;
Scribbled across your body, they flow out of you like a waterfall.
My favorites are the ones scribbled across your lips,
I would trade the world for a book of your expressions. 
But you gave your gorgeous story to him. 
I hope that he appreciates it. 

Your eyes are intoxicating. 
I don't think I'll ever tire of the world you hold in your gaze.
The colors blend so beautifully but you can still distinguish the two colors,
Just getting to look into your gorgeous eyes is a blessing.
Someday you'll see the beauty in them, 
Hopefully he can make you see it. 
I hope he sees the beauty in your vibrant orbs. 

Your kindness if infectious. 
I love seeing you interact with the people around you.
Everyone I know absolutely adores you. 
You are so easy to talk to, I wish you could see that.
Maybe he can see it too, 
I hope that he...

All I know is...

I miss holding your hand, 
Our conversations where I fully opened up even though I never do, 
The stupid jokes I cracked that you couldn't help but laugh at,  
My feeling of candid happiness,
The texts saying "I miss you."

These feelings are just so confusing, 
I know that if you were here with me; 
I'd hold you and tell you I loved you, 
And I'd kiss you on the forehead. 
Because "Forehead kisses are so underappreciated."

Room 136 is a constant reminder of you. 
I remember waiting until we both had free time to hold you hand, 
Stealing glances from across the room until you were seated near me, 
When we'd kiss the back of each other's hands, 
You calling me your girlfriend even though it made your boyfriend upset, 
Our never forgotten tradition of hugs before and after class. 
I miss hearing you say "Hi beautiful."

I don't know why I'm crying writing this. 
Maybe it's because I...

to my most memorable crushes

To that one from eighth grade...
I remember when you first showed up in history class. 
You were understandably confused, 
You kept looking at this new room, probably wishing you could go back to your previous school, 
I kept hoping that you would sit next to me, 
Please, please, please, I kept chanting in my head over and over again. 
Our friendship blossomed after you got assigned the seat next to mine. 
I ruined it by telling you in the dumbest way. 

To the one that helped me to realize I like girls...
I remember thinking in fifth grade that if I ever had the chance that I would take it. 
Yet...what happened on the bus was a mistake. 
Five years ago, if someone told me that I'd be denying you...I wouldn't believe it.
But to be fair...you're straight. 
The only reason you tried to kiss me was because you needed to feel wanted.
You're kind of a bad person. ...

Population: 2,000

I just want to run away. 
I want to feel the beads of sweat rushing down my face, 
My feet pounding against the pavement, 
My legs go numb and give out from pushing so hard, 
My breath to burn in my chest, 
My face to be red from the exhaustion, 
I want my hands to be so cold I think they'll fall off. 

Maybe when I finally stop, I'll be somewhere different. 

Most people want to leave because they're tired. 
Tired of living in a one stoplight town, 
Tired of everyone knowing their business, 
Tired of seeing farmland everywhere, 
Tired of living in a place where the cows outnumber humans. 

I'm just tired of the people. 

I love how close we all are. 
I love that everyone knows everyone. 
I love how quiet the streets are. 
I love how beautiful everything looks. 

I don't like how gossipy everyone is. 
I don't like that parents don't want me around their kids...

christmas isn't magic anymore

I remember that feeling of wonder. 
I remember when waking up at 4 am was magical.
I remember playing with our new toys and being so overwhelmed with joy. 
I remember when I counted down the days until Christmas.

What happened?

When did it stop feeling overwhelmingly amazing?

Why don't the presents make my eyes as bright as the lights strung around the tree? 

Maybe with everything else, I just can't see it the same anymore.
My friends are dealing with so much on their own; 
Taking care of their own children or siblings, 
Terrible bosses, 
Terrible mental health,
Homework by the busload. 

Maybe because something else makes me feel like it's always Christmas...

Maybe because someone else makes me feel like it's always Christmas. 
She makes the lights and presents seem like chewed gum on the sidewalk in comparison. 
Instead of being happy for just one day a year, I feel it almost every day. 
She makes the...

Happiness

What is happiness really?

I remember when it used to be:
Popsicles on a hot day, 
Five dollars after a year of good grades, 
Getting to ride in the shopping cart, 
But somewhere along the way something changed. 

It's just so much different now. 

I feel happy at:
Her smiles,  
The start a new book, 
A good piece of writing fresh from my head, 
Songs reminiscent of the past, 
My friends. 

Maybe happiness grows with you.

Like a tree with branches.
They grow longer
and longer
until the tree forced to move onto another one. 

Whether it's mine or yours; I hope it never stops growing. 
 

Trying to sort out my feelings

We've been friends for maybe a year now. 
When I'm with you I'm constantly laughing. 
You're a really cool person to be around. 
I'm glad to call you my friend. 

We became friends in our science class. 
I miss the others a lot. 
I miss our laughter echoing through the halls. 
I miss our inside jokes. 
I miss everyone making fun of each other. 
I miss our amazing friendships. 

You make fourth period bearable.
I probably would've dropped that class if it wasn't for you. 
I actually do work now, because of you. 
I can actually stand that teacher, thanks to you. 

I like having classes with you. 
You're funny and weird. 
You're hardworking and influential. 
You are a truly amazing friend. 

I just really hope I don't have a crush on you. 

Wishes

I wish I could tell you how I feel.

That your smile makes me warm,
That I have to remind myself not to blush, 
That it's hard to be your friend, 
That I like you more than I probably should, 
That I have the biggest crush...

I wish you knew how amazing you are. 

You kinda smell like Christmas; even in the spring, 
I just wanna lose my mind, 
You make me wanna sing, 
You're so sweet and kind to everyone, 
You're just so...

I wish you were into girls.

That you weren't so obviously straight, 
That the thought of you coming out didn't seem so out of place, 
That the hope would stop being "unrealistic",
That you would maybe just pretend not to like guys. 

I wish you knew how I feel.

That I used to smile all the way home when I would talk to you, 
That you make my heart physically hurt, 
That I turn to mush...

What I wish you knew...

It hurts.
It's not your fault you don't like me back. 
I just wish you wanted to be with me. 
I knew that you liked him but I guess it didn't register until I saw your reaction... 
The way he makes you smile, 
The way you say his name, 
The way your eyes light up brighter than when you talk to me. 

Maybe I should've seen this coming. 
I kind of did. 
I just didn't think it would hurt this bad. 
Maybe I'm too attached. 
I need to tell you how I feel,  
But I don't want you to stop talking to me the same way. 
I love being your friend. 
I just wish we were more. 

I want to like somebody else. 
Desperately. 
But I just can't. 
I've liked you for a while, but it was just superficial. 
What changed, you may ask?
Can't really say...

I wish you liked me more. 
I wish you felt that electricity when...

Reminders of You

The piano,  
I remember when you talked about your lessons
and how fun they were. 
You look so beautiful when you play. 

My Spotify playlist, 
Songs that I've heard you sing make my heart grow two times bigger. 
Music that just reminds me of you and the two of us together. 
I like to think of us making music together.

My textbook, 
When I see it, I think of your stressed face. 
Even when you're struggling, you're gorgeous. 
Your smile when you finally understand something just makes me happy. 
 
My notebook, 
Everything that I wrote about you I remember how I felt when I wrote it. 
The poems about your eyes and lips. 
The stories I wrote about us together. 
I wish I was brave enough to let you read them. 

The gym, 
Watching you do so good at sports and admiring from afar. 
Memories of you acknowledging my existence. 
You in your uniform. 
Us being friends even though...

Normal

I saw you again.    
The feeling was...
different. 
I no longer felt my pulse racing, 
My heart was no longer on fire, 
You didn't take my breath away,
My eyes were no longer fixated on you and only you,
You were just another friend. 

My mind was at a full sprint with thoughts of someone else. 
Finally I could see you as a friend more than that "something else"
When I looked into your eyes, I could finally see us being just friends. 
Maybe I can stop writing about you. 

I've already started writing about...
Well you know. 
If I could tell you the name of this heart thief, I would.
But that's a secret I'd like to keep to myself. 
But let me tell you about the one that released me from your clutch. 

The most charming, 
funny,
sweet, 
attractive, 
and charismatic person that I think I've ever met.

But you're not being replaced. 
Let me just put...

Do you get it? - Quote

You could hear her voice breaking alongside her heart as if they were singing in an agonizing harmony.
- A

Her

You were my first love. 
You taught me what it felt like to truly love someone. 
You made me happier than I'd ever been. 
You gave me a reason to keep going. 
You made me feel so special.
But I guess it's too bad that you never liked me. 

You led me on for months. 
You told me that I was yours. 
You held my hand. 
You flirted hard.
I wasn't the only one to see it.

I spent months being your friend, 
I spent longer as your "something more"
That didn't stop you from dating him.
You took my heart and smashed it to pieces,
Yet my heart is still set ablaze when I think about you.
 
I just can't stop writing about you.
Your touch, 
My hurt,
Your voice, 
My confusion,
Your smile, 
My love,
Your everything...
I miss you. 
 

Just a Quote



Sometimes to keep the ones you love most in the light, you must keep them in the dark. 
- A

Again

I can't stop thinking about you. 

Maybe it's your heart melting smile,  
Your time stopping laugh, 
Your soft voice, 
Your piercing gaze. 
Your simple yet sweet words, 
You. 

When I think of the perfect couple, I think of you and me. 

Your hand in mine, 
Others being jealous of our relationship, 
Me supporting you at basketball games, 
You supporting me in the only thing I do, 
Us. 

Sometimes I can't hide my feelings for you. 

I can't help but replay our conversations over and over in my head, 
Beaming at the fact that you even talked to me, 
Thinking about that one funny thing you said, 
Our one inside joke from a long time ago, 
Everything and nothing. 

But we're just friends.
 

Hollow

I can't get this terrible taste out of my mouth. 
Or this feeling of a rock in my stomach. 
This weird lump, out of my throat. 

I'm hungry but I can't eat.   
I can't even have my favorite foods anymore.
I just feel sick. 

I want to do something but can't seem to find the will to get up.
I can't even get out of bed.
I just feel worthless and disgusting all the time. 
I hate myself.

I'm so stuck in my head. 
I just want to curl into a ball and cry. 
I want everyone to leave me alone so I can just...

Maybe if I fall sleep, the thoughts will go away. 
Maybe I'll be better in the morning. 
Maybe not.
But they'll help me through this. 
Because they love me. 
And I know that love triumphs all. 

So thank you to those of you that make me feel less hollow. 
Thank you to the ones that...

It's Complicated

Somehow I fell in love with you. 
It didn't take too long.  
I wish I knew what switch clicked,
Maybe then I could turn it off. 
All I know is that I'm in love with you. 
I wish I could stop these feelings. 
But I've felt them for too long. 

Why did I fall for you?
Was it because of the weird humor we shared?
The way our hands intertwined perfectly?
The way your eyes felt like they were supposed to look into mine?
The way you used to smile just so beautifully?
The way it felt as if the stars had aligned just for us?
Was it because when you flirted with me, I felt special?
Just tell me why I fell so hard.

Why did you hold my hand, 
Lay your head on my lap, 
Steal my jacket, 
Shamelessly flirt,
Call me yours?
Why did you do those things if you were just my friend?

Maybe I'm getting...

If this is love, I want a refund

Five minutes. 
It took me five minutes to fall for her. 
My first love. 

I'd met her in the past but that didn't count. 
It was middle school and I was infatuated with someone else. 
I was eleven and she was friends with the older kids I looked up to. 
It was girl scouts and I thought I would have to marry a man. 
I was eight and my mom didn't like her mom. 

This one counted. 
I was close with one of her friends during the play my sophomore year. 
I wanted desperately to be their friend too, but they were seniors.
I threw candy at my friend across the room. 
This got their attention and they started getting candy too. 

I was fifteen and I didn't know much about her. 
I had started giving her candy and talking to her friend group. 
We joked for a bit and I couldn't stop looking at her. 
I didn't realize until...

Why don't you like me?

I've spent years keeping this secret and I'm tired of hiding. 
I am a lesbian. 
And for some reason, people hate me for this. 
Of all the things you can hate me for... why this?

Some people dislike me because,
I'm annoying, 
I talk about myself too much,
Or I talk about myself too little, 
I try really hard to be politically correct, 
Maybe I have opposing views from them,
I get it.  

Other people hate me because, 
I like dressing androgynously, 
I shaved the bottom side of my head,
I own a pride flag and took it to school, 
I've yelled "I'm gay" at least twice,
I am trying to start a GSA at my school, 
But mostly because I can only see myself with a woman. 

I have a few questions for you, 
Why do you hate me just because of who I love?
What gay person wronged you?
What do you have against love?
Because, all that...

I'm sorry that I'm gay

I say this phrase a lot
To myself mostly, 
But occasionally to others as well. 

I've known that I liked girls my entire life. 
I just didn't realize that I liked them "that way" until middle school. 
I spent years hoping that I was maybe bi or just straight...
I wasn't. 

I didn't realize until I was in high school that I was a lesbian. 
I still have to remind myself that it's okay. 
I get so hopeful that maybe I'm straight or bi but I know that I'm not. 
And for some reason, I'm sorry for that

I sometimes wish I could change the fact that I like girls. 
It makes things harder for me. 

I used to cry every night.
I used to ask God to fix me. 
I used to think that there was something wrong with me. 
I still hope that maybe it's just a phase. 
I worrythat I'll get...

But You're...

You make my heart forget how to beat. 
You just walk in the door and my mind scrambles. 
You send me one glance, and my heart melts. 
I never know what to say to you. 
You're so beautiful and perfect. 
I know you'll never like me. 
And I'm okay with that.

You make my head feel like a tornado. 
All I want to do is kiss you,
hug you,
hold your hand, 
but I know that I can't. 
And I'm okay with that. 

You make me want to scream. 
When I'm thinking about you, 
I can't help but say your name over and over. 
I feel so many emotions toward you that I want to go outside and scream. 
I want you to be mine. 
And I'm okay with that.

You make me happy. 
Everything you say makes me smile. 
Every time you speak, it's exquisite. 
Every time you accidentally graze my skin, my heart swells. 
You make me happy.  ...

Thank you

I spend my days laughing and making others do the same. 
I hate crying in front of people. 
I hate talking about myself. 
I hate people knowing what's wrong with me. 
I hate...myself mostly. 
I hate that I never told the people who mattered. 

It was just any other day. 
There was an assembly during our favorite class together.
It was about depression and what to do if you know someone that is depressed. 
Everything he said I'd felt before. 
I couldn't cry in front of these people, 
I just couldn't. 
I held in the tears as they threatened to expose my true feelings. 

The speaker finally finished talking and I went back to get my bag,
I got my backpack and knew that I wouldn't be okay, 
So I sat down and started crying. 
I cried about all the things I felt, 
I cried about all the things I've done, 
I cried about everything and nothing. 

I don't know...

Why I Write

a

I talk a lot but people don't really listen. 
When I talk,
people don't like what I have to say. 
When I talk, 
they don't want to hear me. 
When I talk, 
they say my problems are too small.
I write to be heard.

I like to make people laugh.
I do stupid things to make people laugh.
I hurt myself when I try to get people to laugh.
It's okay because for that second, people forget about their issues. 
I try to be funny because I'm so hurt but don't want other people to feel that way. 

I love reading a good book. 
I used to read a book a day instead of facing my problems. 
I would stay in my room and just read. 
I loved seeing the words on the pages. 
I loved seeing how they worked so well together. 
I escape from my reality with books. 
I use books to forget how sad I am. 

I...

I miss you

It hasn't even been a day and I miss you. 
My heart literally hurts.
I swear I can still smell your perfume. 
I can still feel your hand in mine. 
And while the tears stain my cheeks, 
I can remember the time I almost kissed your lips. 

I wish I could grab your face and kiss you. 
I wish you would do it for me. 
I wish you would acknowledge the fact that we flirted all year.
I wish you would remember when you almost kissed me. 
I wish you would let me be yours.
All these wishes make me feel like I was never with you.

I hate the tricks my mind plays on me. 
I hate thinking I see you when I don't. 
I hate that I still look for you everywhere I go. 
I hate the way you made me feel.
I hate that my feelings for you always cloud my judgement. 
I hate that you don't...

Tell me when you meet her

I've never been what people expected me to be. 
Happy.
Straight. 
Normal.

What even is normal?

Is it me not being gay?
Is it having straight, blonde hair?
Is it having white skin?
Is it wearing dresses and liking it?
Is it fake friendships and pretending?

Or is it

Me loving girls and letting the world know?
Me having dark brown, curly hair?
Me having light brown skin?
Me preferring not to wear dresses?
Me liking the genuine connections I make with people?

The girls at my school would say that the ladder was absurd.
My mom used to tell me that it was great that I was different from the crowd. 
She used to say that I was beautiful despite not looking like the other girls. 
She said that I shouldn't worry about what the other kids would say to me. 

But now it's not okay that I:
Prefer a good book over basketball, 
Love musicals, 
Don't dress like...

You

Why'd you have to do this to me?
Finally there were,
No more words on a page, 
No more remembering the scent of your perfume, 
No more thinking of you calling me yours, 
No more missing you every day, 
No more worrying if you were okay. 

But suddenly there you were, 
As beautiful as I saw you last, 
Wearing that same perfume, 
Calling me the same name, 
Acting funny and young,
Holding my sweaty hand, 
Being the girl I fell in love with. 

When I saw you,
For every one step that I took forward, 
I took six back, 
My heart jumped, 
It felt like I could breathe again, 
But it was still stuck, 
You still didn't want me, 
At least not that way. 

You hit me like a wall, 
You made me feel love again, 
You made me fall all over again, 
You put me through that heartbreak again too, 
You made me say those stupid three words, 
I  ...

Ruined

You ruined my favorite album. 
I used to sing it and smile. 
It used to remind me of you...of us.
I used to sing it and think that everything was okay. 
Now I just listen and cry. 

You ruined my favorite class. 
I used to love being there. 
It used to be a place where I could be happy. 
I used to walk in and see you. 
Now I just remember you.

You ruined my favorite jacket. 
I used to see it as a symbol of an achievement. 
It used to be a symbol of happiness.
I used to love seeing it on you.
Now I just wear it when I need to.

You ruined my friendship.
I used to talk to her every day. 
It used to be the closest I was with anyone.
I used to tell her everything. 
Now I just hope that someday we'll be friends again.

Her

You were my first love. 
You taught me what it felt like to truly love someone. 
You made me happier than I'd ever been. 
You gave me a reason to keep going. 
You made me feel so special.
But I guess it's too bad that you never liked me. 

You led me on for months. 
You told me that I was yours. 
You held my hand. 
You flirted hard.
I wasn't the only one to see it.

I spent months being your friend, 
I spent more being your "something more"
That didn't stop you from dating him.
You took my heart and smashed it to pieces,
Yet my heart still gets set ablaze when I think of you.
 
I just can't stop writing about you.
Your touch, 
My hurt,
Your voice, 
My confusion,
Your smile, 
My love,
Your everything...
I miss you. 
 

and I just want to scream your name

I've known you since we were little kids,
You set me on fire. 
My pulse starts racing,
My palms sweat, 
My heart can't help but swell, 
and I just want to scream your name.

Your eyes are happy,
I could stare at them for a millennium,
You don't understand what I think is so special about them,
I don't see how anyone could not stare, 
and I just want to scream your name

Your mind is gorgeous, 
I wish I could see inside,
You are the embodiment of intelligence. 
I will never not be amazed by your brilliance, 
and I just want to scream your name.

Your words are precious, 
I hang on to every one, 
You probably don't notice,
I can't let go of your voice, 
and I just want to scream your name.

Unfamiliar

I wrote about you again. You filled my mind, my heart, my soul. You made me happy to be me. I finally understood what people were talking about when they said their life was better than their dreams. It was something that I didn't think I'd ever understand. I knew it was you. It was you that I wanted to wake up to every morning. It was you that I wanted to sing not only to but with. You were the one I wanted to tell everything to. You were the one that made life worth living. You gave me that unfamiliar feeling of home. The feeling that everything was alright. The feeling that maybe, just maybe, I'd found the other piece of me.

But he took you away. He got all of the things that were supposed to be mine. He took the part that finally made me feel whole again. He took the laughter, the hand holding, the...

Words can be deceiving

You held my hand for "good luck",
You said they were warm,
You said you liked to hold them,
You said that to him too.
Was I supposed to think we were just friends?

You smiled at me, 
You said that you liked my smile,
You said you wished we could share it,
You said I was funny,
You said I was the only one you could really laugh with.
Was I supposed to think we were just friends?


You looked into my eyes,
You said they were beautiful,
You said you could tell I was staring, 
You said you liked it, 
You said nothing when our faces were inches apart.
You said he had dull eyes.
Was I supposed to think we were just friends?

You wore my things,
You said you liked my jacket, 
You said you liked the way my last name looked on your back,
You said you liked my arms around you,
You never once...