Shanti

New Zealand

I'm from India and New Zealand. Writing and reading give me hope. I believe in spontaneous cartwheels, forgiveness, and blank pages.

Peer Reviews

A Precious Ascent

PROMPT: Lunar Phrases

different title suggestion: a precarious ascent

unknown

Te Awa O Whanganui (The River of Whanganui)

PROMPT: Travel Writing Competition 2018

over 2 years

Double Meanings

PROMPT: FACT

unknown

Magic in Welly

PROMPT: Travel Writing Competition 2018

The idea of magic and romance is an undercurrent in this piece. I think it would be more distinct if you could bring out those concepts slightly more explicitly. Overall, though, this was a delight to read.

over 2 years

Delhi- Old with the New

PROMPT: Travel Writing Competition 2018

A few notes since the software wasn't letting me add comments -no need to italicize--roman type and capitals work fine and don't otherise the language you write in. Also, the Qutab Minar isn't a minaret--minarets are attached to mosques. -what do you mean by 'india being one of the world's most artistic countries? -'memorable memories' is redundant--of course memories are memorable, because you have remembered them. -'12th longest metro system in the world' isn't really something to remark upon imo -n general, be careful with your commas! you tend to overuse them -I really like that you mention pollution and what it was like to come back to Delhi after moving. That felt really relevant to me, as I've recently moved from India, and gives a deeper sense of the city. -be careful with the word 'development'--it's a very loaded term. Do you mean 'more like Western countries" 'more commercial options?' 'less poor' 'urban'?

over 2 years

A Family of Mexican Migrants

PROMPT: 25 Words

This is really good! a couple of things you could think about if you were to revise this piece further: -the title. at the moment it's pretty blatant, but you could maybe make it a bit more attention grabbing with keeping 'United States' there, so it's clear what you're talking about, but saying, i don't know 'United States Living' or something like that so that the title isn't more or less the same thing as the first line? if that makes sense? -I love the repitition of 'new' in the second sentence. I would suggest that you think carefully about the first few words in the sentence though LIke maybe say 'now they have new friends etc.' or 'now they've built new friendships, new lives, a new house' or something. Do you want to focuse on the 'new'ness (the transformation from life beyond the border to within the US, or the fact that the US has become their home? it's a subtle difference, and that sentence is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

almost 3 years

Once Upon A Grand Summer's Day

PROMPT: Poetry and Spoken Word Competition 2018

I'm not quite sure what the 'grand summers' day and the use of the 'diary' contributes to this poem. People don't generally write their diaries in poetry. maybe you could think a bit more about the role that the diary plays and how the framing sections add to it?

almost 3 years

New Boots

FREE WRITING

I love the alliteration in the piece, and the suggestions of journeying that boots implicitly suggest. (ps if you want to read a great book about the power of boots, among other things, I highly recommend Tess of the Road by Rachel Hartman)

almost 3 years

Burning Letters from the Traitor

PROMPT: 25 Words

almost 3 years

Finding My Writing

PROMPT: Poetry and Spoken Word Competition 2018

almost 3 years

Looking Back On The Past

PROMPT: My December Competition 2017

about 3 years

Opal of the Future

PROMPT: Dear Me

unknown

The Betrayal of Christmas

PROMPT: My December Competition 2017

As you revise this, you may want to consider a) tenses. Your tenses are sort of inconsistent, becuase you're half retelling it and half in the moment (I can't even stomach the fact should be 'I couldn't even stomach the fact', for instance) b) paragraphs. this is just one big paragraph. Your flow of ideas will be easier to follow and the piece will be easier to read on the screen if you break it up a bit. Look for spots where you transition between events to hit that enter button c) tying this to December. The piece is about December, but December/Chrismas only come up at the beginning and end. Try to suffuse the whole piece with what December means to you, that combination of regret and stregnth that show up in your beginning and ending. What made you decide not to let this boy ruin Christmas for you? How have the memories of your relationship troubled you over the year? Do you see this as a conclusion?

over 3 years

Cold and Dark, Bright and warm

PROMPT: My December Competition 2017

over 3 years

The smallest things

PROMPT: Talking to “You”

I really love this. You focus on the details that matter and show your characters so well. This piece is in such a good place, I don't feel like I much to say.

over 3 years

One Hundred Years of Culture

PROMPT: Interview Competition 2017

I love this interview. Your grandmother seems like a woman who is full of life and your reflection is insightful. Thanks for sharing! I feel like my interview is sort of useless now...

over 3 years

lucid dreaming

FREE WRITING

This is a very lovely poem. The image of swimming against the current is great; maybe a few more details about where/how you're being a spectator could help in the second stanza. The last four lines of the second stanza in general feel like a bit of a cliche...I think you could phrase them differently, which might help. Overall, I really enjoyed this, and think you've done a great job with the poem. Also, I read some of your pieces in the literary journal and loved them.

over 3 years

Midsummer words (from a stranger,)

PROMPT: Flash Fiction Competition 2017

over 3 years

QUEEN

PROMPT: Flash Fiction Competition 2017

This is very clever and quiet; you've done a lot with very few words. I'm excited to see where this wee story goes.

over 3 years

On the Other Side of the Fence

PROMPT: Flash Fiction Competition 2017

Good luck revising!

over 3 years

Rescue

PROMPT: Flash Fiction Competition 2017

To separate this out a bit and give the reader space to breathe, you may want to consider some paragraphs. I really like your transition at "then it all stopped" but it could possibly be even more powerful and interesting on a new line. Also, "shiny furrows" is a truly excellent turn of phrase

over 3 years

Maggie Magnolia

PROMPT: Flash Fiction Competition 2017

I genuinely enjoyed reading this. One thing you may like to consider for the sake of consistency is that the first bolded statement ends in a comma whereas the rest end in full stops. 'die the very next day' could be part of the bold. In the second section the part where it goes "magnolia. Maggie Magnolia" is a little hard to read because of the repetition. This may be intentional, but I found the names and contrast lost their power somewhat because of this. Otherwise, good work!

over 3 years

Bikini

PROMPT: All in a Minute

unknown

Lighting Stories

PROMPT: Writing Small

I really enjoyed reading this. One thing you could do to make the dialogue clearer would be to place each new line of dialogue on a new line, like "grandpa!" we called. "Tell us a story". "Yeah!" my brother called etc. You could also try not to repeat the word 'called'. I like how you included the matchstick, it's a delightfully salient detail. Title ideas: lighting stories Grandpa's tales christmas fire it's up to you, though! Good job.

over 3 years

matchsticks and snow

PROMPT: Writing Small

This story is exquisite! A few small details--e.g. the repetition of 'light' in the second sentence, and ending with an adverb, could maybe be improved, but overall, you've done a great job.

over 3 years

Cheating

PROMPT: Writing Small

I really like this story! You might want to get someone to help with punctuation/grammar errors--e.g. "oneway" should be "one way", "the what to do" doesn't quite make sense. Overall, though, good work for creating such a small story!

over 3 years

The whisper of sin

FREE WRITING

This poem is really interesting. I think some phrases are a little strange, e.g. "Their whispering influencing", but that really just adds to the ambience of the entire thing!

over 3 years

The Horror

PROMPT: Tweet-Tales

This was really excellent, Angelina! I just saw this prompt, and really like it. You've done a great job of building tension by separating each line.

over 3 years

Kisses and Cuts

PROMPT: Tweet-Tales

I love how the romantic first half of the story contrasts with the revelation in the second phrase. This works really, really well.

over 3 years

A Wish For A Rainy Day

PROMPT: Writing Small

I really like how you use two or three images and a few thoughts and string them together into a story.

over 3 years

Friendship, Love, and Death

FREE WRITING

You've told a story, but in some ways it didn't grab my attention as much as it could, because you don't really show any character changing, just happy cahnce. It might be more interesting to learn about a piece of the story, e.g. how Molly helped Edwin through story, why Edwin's mum hated Molly, how edwin felt when he saw Molly, since you have so few words. Still, it's really hard to tell a story with so few words and you've done a great job at that. You might also want to think about a more specific title :)

over 3 years

My Dreams

PROMPT: Into the Woods

I love the format of this poem, the repeat of the first name, and the consistent rhythm, which is so hard to do! I guess I would say to be careful that all of your imagery matches your vision for the poem as a whole. Great job :)

over 3 years

i wish

PROMPT: Truths and Untruths

this is a really powerful poem. Maybe you could consider using some imagery to show how this person changed the narrator of the poem and why there is still a connection between them?

over 3 years

Modern Angels

FREE WRITING

I really love this poem. I think you could consider the rhythm of your lines a little more, perhaps, and how the poem transition beween the angel that would and the angel that will. Overall, really interesting and lovely.

over 3 years

The Hummingbird

PROMPT: Creature View

This was a great story, I"m so glad you did it for a prompt. I love the hummingbirds perspective. One thing you could do is try to make the writing reflect the bird a little more (e.g. short sentences, not knowing words for things) but that would be difficult and complicated and it's also fine as it is.

over 3 years

Life has other plans

FREE WRITING

This is really lovely. One piece of advice is maybe to be more specific. How did the feelings manifest? but i loved how fluid your language is.

over 3 years

A Special Cat

PROMPT: Writing for Children Competition 2017

unknown

Prologue - Ten Days Left

PROMPT: Mystery Writing Competition 2017

This piece is a prologue, which implies that there's a whole story behind it. That's fine, but you might want to think about the title a bit--does it give a good sense of what this part of the story is? I also found that it was a little unresolved. I would suggest that you make a list of all the questions that are raised by the situations in this piece, then figure out how many of those questions you have an answer to. It's okay if not all are answered, but for the mystery to feel complete, you should answer most of the questions. also try to check for tense/grammar issues here and there. Overall though, I really appreciated your work on this. Good job :)

almost 4 years

For the Love of the Game

PROMPT: Mystery Writing Competition 2017

I hope I've given you some ideas for revising this piece. I really enjoyed reading it. Also, I wanted to say that your title for the piece is just right.

almost 4 years

Patrons of the Abyss

PROMPT: Mystery Writing Competition 2017

How can you use details to make this more surprising? Overall though, I liked your choice of subject and the tone you used to address it. Good job!

almost 4 years

Begin Again

FREE WRITING

unknown

A flawed Dove

FREE WRITING

unknown

Yard of the Dead

PROMPT: Turned to Stone

This is a great first paragraph, because it immediately makes the reader want to know more. I would reccommend checking your grammar so this piece is as elegant as possible, but otherwise, wonderful!

almost 4 years

You First

PROMPT: Timeless Counsel

I really like your advice, but it's a little hard to see how the pieces of advice link to each other. Could you make that clearer, if necessary.

almost 4 years

To You My "Bestfriend".

FREE WRITING

This is an interesting poem. You might want to comb through the grammar a bit. But I love the rhythm of the piece; the anger almost pulses with your words. It's a little bit unclear who you and she are; could you clarify that a little? Overall though, good job!

almost 4 years

This Sliver of Advice

PROMPT: Timeless Counsel

I really enjoyed reading this. The images are fabulous! I would comb through this to check that all the sentences are clear. You could also enhance this piece by adding details like if anyone has given you this advice, what context it was in, or how you've used it in your everyday life. Overall, wonderful work.

almost 4 years

Wrath

FREE WRITING

You have some really nice turns of phrase, intriguing language, and an excellent sense of rhythm. However, I feel like this poem lacks cohesion to some extent? It's hard to tell what the main idea is. How does, for example, your phrase"when a baby cries for only help, I can't help but cry myself" connect to "My body thrashes without thought". You touch on ideas of rage, frenzy, powerlessness, and so on, but no single idea pulls the poem together (which can be okay, but I just wanted you to be aware of this). I'm sure some revision will help though, and this is an incredible start.

almost 4 years

Bad Habits

PROMPT: Collective Voice

I bite my nails and jiggle my legs sometimes too. I really love the structure of this piece; the dictionary opening is very compelling, and the grouping into parts shows our clear thinking. This is quite personal, and I applaud you for being so open, and having such an understanding and courage to share yourself. I would also advise that you check your piece for grammar issues--you have a few exotic commas.

almost 4 years

a girl of color in a pale world

FREE WRITING

This is really lovely. I think you may want to consider the format a little (e.g. why do you answer the first three questions but not the ones afterwards) and think about transitions (how do you segway into the painting part of the poem) but overall, I really enjoyed reading this.

almost 4 years

Gardening/ Farming

PROMPT: The Subject that Matters

This is a really interesting class idea, and I think it's be fun. Maybe try to describe a bit more clearly ( an you have a few typos to catch) but overall, great!

almost 4 years

We

PROMPT: Collective Voice

This is so intriguing; you language has this wonderful rhythm that really draws the reader in. I love you use of details too; you've struck a good balance between too specific and not specific enough.

almost 4 years

We Are Lost

PROMPT: Collective Voice

This was a really nice poem. I think you might want to consider your phrasing a little more, but overall it's quite effective. Good job :)

almost 4 years

Us and Them

PROMPT: Collective Voice

This is really interesting, and you get into the fundmental ingroup-outgroup divide, which may not be so fundmental after all. I think a few more drafts could smooth the piece out a bit; it's a bit confusing. But I love how you make the reader feel like part of the story.

almost 4 years

For the fallen petals turned black

PROMPT: Synchronized Sounds

This is really lovely. I find the repetition of fallen interesting, and I wondered why you included that with so few syllables (I really like it though). I was also wondering if you were inspired by Ezra Pounds "The apparation of these faces in the cloud/petals on a wet, black bough" This is basically what a haiku should be.

almost 4 years

COLLEGE

PROMPT: Beyond Reason

Firstly ALL THE SYMPATHY because I am a senior in high school and I absolutely share this concern. These are universal questions; however, I think using more specific images like hitting snooze will help the poem to be more alive and vibrant. For example, you could say "Does the future hole my parents dreams or mine". I really love the progression of questions, though!

almost 4 years

College

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed reading this *senior high five* As it is, however, this colection of thoughts seems a little random. Could you talk about how you felt when you got into places or waitlisted, or why specifically you're excited for college? I think that would make this piece more interesting to read.

almost 4 years

Snapshot

FREE WRITING

This is exquisite! I think you have a real eye for detail here. I would be interested to understand what the deserted box is and why it's dripping rainwater--a few extra details wouldn't be amiss. But all the implicit stuff about what the person who sees this is thinking is really well done, and it stands well and mysteriously as it is.

almost 4 years

Carefree

FREE WRITING

You have lots of quirky and interesting images, and I think that's what you really want to preserve as you pursue this poem. I also like that it has a awesome sense of rhythm. I think you really need to work on flow, because I don't see how it all fits together. That's okay--sometimes poems are just for you--but it's something to bear in mind. But it's still a lovely poem.

almost 4 years

Man's Bestfriend

FREE WRITING

unknown

Underestimated

FREE WRITING

I love the tone and style of this piece. It's so fun and bouncy to read. I think it could help with emotional resonance if you were more specific in some parts; for example "silent screams, secret thoughts"--could you tell the reader a little more about the origin of these things?

almost 4 years

Effort

FREE WRITING

This simultaneously manages to be wonderful poetry (clever metaphors, interesting rhythm etc.) and acute social commentary, on an issue that a lot of young people face: the demand to achieve more and more, to work more and more--to be exhausted, more and more. I really like your take on it. One way that you could try to improve this piece is thinking of a specific audience that you're saying it too (though you may be doing this already) and maybe tying the ending and beginning together more directly? But it works really well as it is.

almost 4 years

Haiku No. 1 - Drowning

FREE WRITING

This is a very intriguing poem, and I especially appreciate how you've managed to create something even with the harsh boundaries of a haiku. I think it could be more fluid, or specific--for example, you could name the emotion, rather than leaving it generic. But I think it's really cool how you've used the image of an ocean in three different ways--flowing, waves, and drowning.

almost 4 years

Begin Again

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed reading this poem; I think it resonates on many levels. The line breaks felt a little random, so you might want to think about why you chose to hit enter at those moments. I also found the phrases linked by a comma in the first two stanza's a bit puzzling; how are they linked? Can you make that clear? And what purpose does the comma serve? Good job, though, I'm excited to see where this goes.

almost 4 years

& your hand was holding mine

PROMPT: I Remember

I loved this poem, it made me feel all the things, like, in a good way. Thanks you for how beautiful it is! And I love the structure

almost 4 years

The Persistence of Pseudoscience

PROMPT: Op-Ed Competition 2017

To enhance this piece, you may want to talk about your personal feelings about the topic (why are you interested? Why do you care?). An effective argument often engages the reader's emotions.

almost 4 years

Identity in Sports

PROMPT: Op-Ed Competition 2017

You have a good understanding of his issue; remember to be clear about your own stance fairly early on in the piece. I think this would work better if, instead of presenting the evidence then summing up your opinion, you incorporate the evidence and the opinion together. But great choice of topic!

almost 4 years

On Xenophobia

PROMPT: Op-Ed Competition 2017

almost 4 years

#FeesMustFall!

PROMPT: Op-Ed Competition 2017

Remember, your reader does not know your argument as well as you do. Therefore, try to be a little clearer about your evidence, and maybe think about order of ideas in your piece and how they build towards your stance?

almost 4 years

Grief

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed this piece. Your images are peculiar and lovely. I don't think there's much you can do to improve this poem, except think about flow and order a little? But it works very well as it is :) I also loved the ending!

almost 4 years

Miss Fortune

FREE WRITING

Firstly, I love your clever title! I think this poem could be improved by either a more or less strict rhyme scheme--it's a bit dodgy as it is (which is okay! rhymes are soso hard). You might want to also think about using words like 'surely' and constructions like "Gambling away at everyone." In both of these instances, slightly more elegant phrasing would lend ease to reading the poem. Overall, though, good job!

almost 4 years

we are no better

FREE WRITING

You may want to check for some simple grammatical errors (e.g. Who's should be whose and tigers should be tiger's) and check that you're okay with mixing your metaphors (is it a lion or a tiger). I also think that the transition between 'puny weak creatures' to a 'a lion and a man fighting' could be clearer; this would lend fluidity to the piece. This is an angry piece, and I think you could use more specific modern imagery to enhance that (blowing up hospitals, gunning children from a helicopter) to help you to effectively comment on the role of violence in the modern world. Great job!

almost 4 years

Rhyming Time

PROMPT: WILD

I think you could show the girl's wildness more clearly. How is her spirit wild, what does this mean? Why was she forced to be mild? How does time connect to it all? And why does she smile? You don't have to answer these questions explicitly, but understanding them will give a better flow to the poem, and help the reader to understand the ideas you're trying to convey. However, I like how you've written an almost limerick--dealing with such a strict poem scheme is hard!

almost 4 years

A Sonnet to Forgotten Mail

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed this sonnet! I love how you wrote about the forces of memory. In some ways, the non specific grief is effective, but it would be interesting know a little more about the story of the letter and how it looks and feels. But overall, wonderful job!

almost 4 years

Heart break

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed this piece! I think the one thing you might want to think about is how to transition between the different stanzas. Why are they in the order they're in? How can you show the reader how they fit together?

almost 4 years

Feeling

FREE WRITING

unknown

Those Times

FREE WRITING

I like this piece, Jess. The ending is perfect, and you might want to think about how you begin it. The other question I have is about the phrase 'times in life'. I think you could use 'times' on it's own equally effectively. But that's up to you!

about 4 years

Secrets of the Universe

PROMPT: Beyond Reason

You maaay be able to tell that I loved this poem. Great job! You have amazing, beautiful questions which absolutely made me think. You have this theme of nature running through the piece, but you might want to make that clearer, and maybe think about why each of these questions is grouped together. Overall, though, I love it!

about 4 years

Fake Sea

PROMPT: 1 Photo, 100 Words

I really love some of the images you use in this poem: they're magical and alluring. You may want to consider making a transition in this piece (there's stuff about the fake see and the longing to escape, but to establish those two separately may help reading). You might also want to think about how strictly you want to stick to the rhyme scheme, because it feels like it interrupts the beauty in some parts. Overall though, you've done a great job with tough constraints.

about 4 years

A Nobody

FREE WRITING

I really love how you've used both repetition and rhythm in this piece. It's a really melancholy piece, and perhaps too true--you might want to consider adding some hope to it. You might also want to think of the order of the items (how does mouths lead to eyes lead to ears) But it's tragic, and an effective use of poetry. I think.

about 4 years

The Sea

PROMPT: WILD

I really liked how you view the sea in this piece. However, the first and last lines are sort of versions of each other, and you might want to make it more specific: without the title and the middle line, this could be about many wild things. I really enjoyed the haiku form, though.

about 4 years

:

PROMPT: Open Prompt

This is a really inspirational piece. I mostly don't have a problem with the pain you speak of, but the encouragment is lovely. You might want to do a check for grammar. Otherwise, good job!

about 4 years

Dot-Dot-Dash

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed this piece. You might want to think about which stanzas are most important, and keep the rhythm and rhyme consistent, but you've done a great job as it is.

about 4 years

I Will Always Love The Jellyfish

PROMPT: 1 Photo, 100 Words

You use a very tell-y voice in this piece. Can you balance telling us what happened with giving us a few more details to show us how you experienced it? I really love how you've told a succinct story with so few words, though!

about 4 years

Love?

FREE WRITING

I really liked this poem. It plays on a very typical theme for poetry, but you definitely give it it's own twist. Just be sure to think about the images you use and what effect they achieve.

about 4 years

Hello

FREE WRITING

I really enjoyed reading this! In future drafts, you could think about how to integrate your message more clearly--do you want to state it blatantly or not? HI!

about 4 years

Stranger in Japan

PROMPT: Foreign Correspondent Competition 2017

Okay, so here's my problem with this piece. While you have an interesting experience to relate, in a foreign country...it's not exactly journalism. You're describing your personal experience of meeting a stranger, not an event that affects more than two people. There are ways to contextualize your own experience in a greater issue, but for the most part journalism focuses on events that affect many people. Your story is interesting, but you might want to 'zoom out' to improve it for example writing about foreigner experience in Japan.

about 4 years

Who's Going To Play the Trump Card?

PROMPT: Foreign Correspondent Competition 2017

Could you please cite your sources? I've commented on this a few times, but you definitiely don't sound so objective in a few spots. Perhaps you could go through your piece and figure out what the main sections are, how they relate to each other, and use that to shift the order around a little bit. For example, it might be better to describe the cultural significance of the land and the environmental implications a little bit before saying how the DAPL will affect these. Smoother transitions will also help the piece. Overall though, this is easy and interesting to read, which is everything journalism should be.

about 4 years

Kuri, the Robot Nanny

PROMPT: Foreign Correspondent Competition 2017

1. You spend a lot of time describing what Kuri can do. Can you spend more time describing the context and controversy of AI in the home? 2. This isn't a 'event', it's a thing, which is okay, but some dates would be interesting. 3. At least one of your sources is the company which sells Kuri. Remember, it's biased. There's a press section of that site, maybe look at some of those articles? 4. It would be great if you had quotes from creators and users of Kuri if you can find them. I believe that Kuri hasn't been released yet, so maybe explain why you're writing about it. 5. Can you give us a sense of place in this piece. That's what makes foreign correspondence great. Kuri could be anywhere, but how is she changing the socioeconomic landscape? What do different countries think of Kuri? 6. Why is the information in your article in this order? I'm not saying it's illogical--it's in fact very easy to follow--but think about transitions. Try to see it from the readers point of view, who has not done as much research as you. 7. What is your tone in this piece? Is it consistent? this is a really enjoyable piece to read. It's a great start, and I love all the little examples, which really bring the piece to life.

about 4 years

Gambia Africa: Presidential Conflict

PROMPT: Foreign Correspondent Competition 2017

A couple of notes: 1. Use paragraphs! This whole piece is just one paragraph, which makes it hard to read and follow. 2. Some quotes would definitely help this piece be more interesting. 3. Can you tell us a little bit about the significance of the Gambia within Africa and beyond? What is coming in the future? What does the new president stand for? 4. You describe the sequence of events very well (though again, I don't know this in-depth) Is the sequence of what happened the important part, or is the change in political situation important? Can you draw parallels to elsewhere? (for example in the 1980's, Indira Gandhi in India declared a state of emergency to help retain power. She was assassinated in 1985) How can you add details to this to make the reader feel like they experienced it? 5. Where did you get this information from? Can you cite your sources? 6. I would recommend that you comb through this to improve the grammar. Read it aloud to yourself so you can hear how it sounds, and think about having shorter sentences if there's a lot going on in one sentence. 7. This is a really interesting event that you've chosen to report on, and you've remained objective. Good job!

about 4 years

Time to Live

PROMPT: WILD

I really liked reading this! I would love to understand more about how leaving home is 'wild'--I think that could be clear in your poem. The capital letters are also interesting, sorta like Emily Dickenson, and I would love to understand why you chose to use them. Overall, though, a very effective poem. Good job!

about 4 years

Hope

PROMPT: What Came Before

I really enjoyed reading this piece. You write great dialogue and really engage with the characters. However, I would recommend that you just hit enter every time there's a new piece of dialogue. As it is, it's quite difficult to know who is saying what. This piece might also be improved by a really clear lead-up towards the end--you seem to introduce some extraneous details at the end, so really question what is vital to the story. But I absolutely love how you make us care for characters in such a short space of time.

about 4 years

Life is a Gift

PROMPT: This I Believe

This is a really good piece. You might want to refine the sentences a little bit, but I really love how you've taken an image and run with it.

about 4 years

Darkness of the Mind

PROMPT: WILD

I really liked this poem! There are some startlingly good rhythmic moments--though you might want to aim for more consistency--and lots of interesting commentary and ideas. As you revise, I would suggest that you try to think about the content of each stanza. What is holding these three lines together? How do they lead to each other? What is the stanza's place in the greater poem. I really love your last stanza, but the rest of the poem might be improved with some thought about order and flow.

about 4 years

Please

FREE WRITING

I really like the form of this poem and how you've phrased everything as a request. It really challenges the reader to interact with your message. However, it's a little bit generic in some ways, and if you do have a specific person who you're addressing in mind, it could help to refer to or think about that as you revise the poem. Why does this person have power oven the sun, ocean, and wind? Why are you begging them like this? Thinking about your answers to this question might make it a more interesting read. However, you've got lots of good material here.

about 4 years

Cartography

PROMPT: Writing Synapses

This really confused me because I thought you had copied the prompt, and then I read the actual prompt, haha. That means that you did a great job! I think there have been similar prompts to this before (like the Invisible Cities one a while ago), and you might want to think about a length--fictional worlds can be huge, though of course it's up to the writer. Describing a map will definitely make this simple. Sometimes just describing things can be a little dull, though, so maybe include suggestions about how to write descriptively but still show not tell. Another great example that you could bring up in your intro part is establishing shots in movies (like the part in Bridge to Terabithia when they're drawing the map)

about 4 years

A Black and White Soul

FREE WRITING

This is a really lovely piece, and only needs a few changes. One thing I especially admire is your paragraphs--each is focused and fragile, and the transitions between them are perfect. I'm not sure if you're interested in pursuing publication, but there's a literary journal called half mystic which publishes pieces about music, and this totally fits the bill (and matches the theme for their third issue). This is a link to their submission page if you're interested http://www.halfmystic.com/submit/. Good luck editing this lovely, powerful piece!

about 4 years

Modern Poems for an Old-Fashioned Lover (#22 Free Verse)- His Idiosyncrasies

FREE WRITING

I'm a total fangirl for your poetry, Angelina. I love how the music features in this piece, though I play viola more and piano less, so I had to look up some terms (aka, I've forgotten all my music theory) Anyway, I guess I would just say to think about the order? The beginning and the ending make sense, as do the pairings of music terms and stanzas, but why are they in that order, because it wasn't quite clear to me.

about 4 years

X, Y, Z

FREE WRITING

I really love the form of this poem, it's totally relatable, and has a sort of rhythm. You could thing about playing with the beginnings of the questions (for example, I think that 'when did this become my life' makes more grammatical sense). It's absolutely okay for this to be a sad poem, but if you wanted it to have a glimmer of hope, you could also try 'how can I keep myself together'. But the poem is absolutely effective as it is!

about 4 years

my hallelujah

PROMPT: Why I Write

I really like this piece. Your language is exquisite and your expressions sensitive. There are a few clarity things you could improve, but that's just a personal choice.

about 4 years

My December Dread

PROMPT: My December Competition 2016

Try to think about tone and flow here: what is the tone you want to have? The piece is sad, but the tone is cheerful. How can you make the reader feel sad as the y read, even if they don't know what you're talking about. If this is consisten, the flow wil be improved also, which is how the pieces of the piece fit together; the order of ideas should feel logical and natural, so it's not something you have to think about. What is the main idea of each paragraph, and how is it connected to the one after it? Can you show that link more clearly? But thank you for writing this pice; despite the sadness, I enjoyed reading it.

about 4 years

Winter skies of mine

PROMPT: My December Competition 2016

This piece has a lot of potential. It just needs some focussing. I would recommend looking at each paragraph and trying to discern the main idea. If it's not clear to you, then maybe try to focus. This nonfiction piece takes us on a journey with you, so make it a little more logical by transitioning between different parts of your narrative description. But I really love the content of your piece--it works so well, and is so lovely for Decembertime.

about 4 years

Northeast Wonder

PROMPT: My December Competition 2016

Firstly, you are not the only one who reads books for fun. I do too! As you revise this piece, I would consider the structure. How can you make it flow, and transition between ideas? Something that might help with this is breaking up the paragraphs a little. You have very few, very long paragraphs. By making longer paragraphs with a clear focus contained in just a few sentences, it may be easier to follow. I really love your ideas though, and it's got a lot of potential, and is easy to read, so good job!

about 4 years

Christmas Rain

PROMPT: My December Competition 2016

This is a lovely piece, mostly because you use amazing imagery, and have such exquisite writing. I would encourage you to look at how you can weave december all together with this, so the piece flows.

about 4 years

The Issue with Jolly

PROMPT: My December Competition 2016

You use a lot of rhetorical questions, and I think that diminishes their effectiveness. Also try to connect the different parts of the piece together. But overall, this is really enjoyable to read, a good combination of opinion, information, and personal experience.

about 4 years

things that fall

FREE WRITING

I really love this piece, and the imagery and words you've used. It fits together really well. The no-capitalisation also is very effective. I feel like this piece doesn't need much refinement, but just think about the questions above.

over 4 years

Message To My Father

FREE WRITING

This is a really expressive piece, with powerful emotions, which I appreciate. Again, I would encourage you to go beyond phrases like 'harsh reality' 'pain in my heart/ripping me apart' 'indescribable love, to make the poem more unique. You could do this by playing with words in unusual combinations like maybe 'too-shiny reality' or 'the pain is even in my elbows' this will make your poem feel more unique. Still, the emotion here is real and delicate, and I like that you can make te reader empathise.

over 4 years

Paint

FREE WRITING

I really loved reading this poem. Your repetition of the phrase 'watching the paint peel' was exquisite. I think you could sort of thing about the form of your piece (how are you using rhyme, and the symbolism of colour) so that it runs more smoothly, but overall: great job!

over 4 years

Naming the World

PROMPT: Names, Names, Names

This list is lots of fun to read, and I really like of your names! Realistically, not everything in a story can be a pun-name, but your references are totally on point.

over 4 years

Blank Snow

PROMPT: My December Competition 2016

I really appreciated your story, and I think it has lots of personal meaning. You really need to consistently clean up your grammar, though, because improper constructions often obscure your meaning. I would also encourage you to think about which details are necessary, even though I love how many you have, so as not to overwhelm the reader. Try to be aware of the flow of your story, and how each paragraph fits into the next one, and how words, repetition and detail, can make your story fit together like a whole jigsaw puzzle. So far though, this is really good progress, and there's so many directions that 'blank snow' could go in.

over 4 years

Lost

PROMPT: Missing “E”

This was a really clever story. I would encourage you to think about the purpose of the short paragraphs and how to show the narrators mindset more clearly. Good job! (p.s. I love your profile pic. Yay hamilton!)

over 4 years

Love

PROMPT: Emotion by Association

I really like your description of love. I would suggest the you do try to show how your experience of love is unique, maybe by using more original phrases, or playing with well known ones. For example, you could say 'heels over head' instead of 'head over heels'

over 4 years

Once in a year

PROMPT: 10 Words

I really like that these words are paired into some sort of flow, not isolated in a list. You might want to think about the order of ideas- you could go from warm to cold or physical things to figurative things- to make this more powerful. But I love the content!

over 4 years

Honeysuckle Blossoms

PROMPT: Unnamed

I really love the imagery here, and the title that you use for this description (though I would recommend a spell check-the s, not o, is double). I love how you also talked about how this color can be used to hurt others as well. Just work on having a really clear flow of ideas within sentences.

over 4 years

Gainsaying

PROMPT: 10 Words

I really liked this list, and I find the title quite intriguing. Be sure to be specific so that you're really sharing your experience of December.

over 4 years

Thank You All

PROMPT: Missing “E”

I don't exactly agree with everything you've said here, but I think that it's really incredible how you've used language in a way that the missing e never feels awkward- or even noticeable, most of the time.

over 4 years

Blue

PROMPT: Unnamed

This is a really good piece. Just try to be consistent and think about flow of ideas, but great job so far!

over 4 years

Nothings

PROMPT: Missing “E”

I think you've chosen a really great title for this piece, and I love some of the imagery you use, like 'smudgy sky'. It is unclear, but I did this prompt too, and the struggle is most certainly real.

over 4 years

the calm before the storm

PROMPT: The Peace of Wild Things

I just loved reading this poem. The solace is all implied: calmness, opportunity and peace. To some extent, it's hard for the reader to know exactly what your feelings are as you experience the burgeoning storm. You could make it clearer by replacing words like 'hurried' and the description of the moving clouds--but again, I understand that this your experience and fast things happen while your heart beats it's slow rhythm and a storm creeps across the horizon, so it's totally up to you and what you feel like needs to be conveyed.

over 4 years

An Instinctual and Unplanned Justification for What I Do

PROMPT: Why I Write

This is a good piece! I think the title could be a little more succinct, and the phrasing could be clearer at times, but overall a really lovely examination of the power of procreation given to us by pens, paper and keyboards.

over 4 years

Stricken Youth

FREE WRITING

This is a quirky, fun little piece that reflects your emotions quite well. I love how you've confronted the truth in poetry. As you edit this piece, maybe try to make the reader question their beliefs about first love, as well as your own. I also think that you could try writing this with a less rigid structure. It's up to you, though-- and great job!

over 4 years

Green

PROMPT: Unnamed

I love this poemish thing, Jess. (and thanks so much for your feedback on my novel). There are a few little changes you could make, but overall, it's lovely. Green is also the colour I chose for this prompt. The metaphor structures of 'It is' work very effectively.

over 4 years

Evelyn Beautiful Bell

PROMPT: Novel Writing Competition 2016

How could you foreshadow or use some other techniques to create more investment from the reader and tension within this short piece? Also, I would recommend reading this aloud to yourself- it really will help you notice where the sentences flow and where they don't. Overall, though, I really like the character of Ryan, and this piece feels so alive and fun to read.

over 4 years

Power Of Greed

PROMPT: Novel Writing Competition 2016

This piece is such a cool idea! I really hope you can use my ideas to refine it, and good job and good luck writing.

over 4 years

Longing

PROMPT: Emotion by Association

I like this piece. It feels universal without being excessively cliche, which is hard to do, but well executed. It doesn't have much imagery, which you may want to change, but it's also fine as it is. Great job conveying emotion!

over 4 years

Ground Cumin

PROMPT: Novel Writing Competition 2016

This piece doesn't really have a plot- it more shows a state of mind. Apart from slowly showing more of the protagonists condition, I would ask how you can create more tension for the reader, and make them anticipate what's going to happen more. The way you write is different to how I write, but you're using a specific voice to great effect, which I love. Also be careful to avoid contradictions- there are parts of this where the information didn't quite fit together. Working out what's going on, for both the narrator and us, should feel like a mystery, or perhaps a journey, so how could you create more of this effect. This is such a creepy, weird, concept, and I love how you've used it!

over 4 years

Long Lost

PROMPT: Novel Writing Competition 2016

This story has lots of potential. The next step is polishing: make the characters sparkle, and use language in interesting ways to engage your readers imagination and show how your story is unique. However, good job so far! You can do this! 'Long Lost' is a lot of fun to read, and I want to know more!

over 4 years

Because Of You

FREE WRITING

I really like how you use repetition in this piece, it makes it very powerful. Your poem has a clear message, and that really shines through. The feelings you express do feel a bit isolated at times, so perhaps you could contextualise them with a description of what the speaker is doing as they muse?

over 4 years

Flight

FREE WRITING

This poem has utterly lovely phrases. Sometimes, they don't make much sense. It's a poem, so that's okay. However, it's hard for me to see the connect between 'a flyby nomad' and 'roseate of hair'. When writing poetry, it's my opinion that every word is important. Okay poetry might have nice phrases, but in excellent poetry, every word feels like without it the poem would be incomplete. to me, your poem is on the border between them. I love the lowercase though, and this poem has lots of potential, as well as being a delight to read.

over 4 years

Why I write

PROMPT: Why I Write

I think your structure with beginning every sentence with 'I write' until the last one works really well. Your different phrases don't always connect--you may want to think about order- but that's not a big deal in a piece like this. Thank you so much for sharing the emotional connotations of writing for you.

over 4 years

Captured By Moonlight

PROMPT: Walking

I've left a couple of comments in this vein, but basically the one part of this piece that may need some work is your phrasing. In certain spots, I feel like you are saying things with more words than necessary, or adding extraneous detail. When you're writing something that is as short as this piece, you really want to be as simple as possible, so it's easy to follow. This doesn't mean sacrificing beauty in your words, but just cutting down on everything that is extra. I love the concept of this piece, though, and your description of the awe of a massive thunderstorm is stellar.

over 4 years

Crayons and Observations

PROMPT: Walking

In this section of writing, you describe a child and a woman. The child's response to the woman is very interesting, but a little confusing, because neither of them have names. Could you give one character a name to make things more clear? Or maybe just focus on the woman? You also describe a change in the child, but the change is very generic. How could you show what a massive impact this is in more specific terms? However, I do think the little child as a lens for the narrative is a very effective framing device, so well done!

over 4 years

Cracked Inside

PROMPT: Walking

I really like this piece! I think that there are some issues with phrasing, but overall your use of imagery and understanding of how personality/circumstances can translate to footsteps is excellent.

over 4 years

Gorgeous

PROMPT: Word

This piece could be even stronger if you were more specific about what drew you to the word gorgeous, not just that it sounds good and makes you feel alive, but why you like the sound and why it makes you feel alive. Great choice of word, though!

over 4 years

High Treason

FREE WRITING

This is a very interesting poem, because it really pushes the reader (in my opinion) to consider the act of condemnation and exile within society. I love how thought provoking it is! I think you could shift the phrasing to make that clearer. I also feel like you could separate it into stanza's a little more, shifting the focus from the traitor to why 'we' hate her, to her punishment, and I've marked places where you could do that, and maybe make the focus more obvious within those groupings if you want. Overall, though, a fascinating examination of the act of betrayal.

over 4 years

Wild

PROMPT: Walking

This piece is really interesting. I would say that you use a bunch of tenses in this piece, so try to be consistent and pick one. Overall, however, I love how you show what it is to be a wild human.

over 4 years

Paper Wings

PROMPT: Paradoxical Phrasing

This poem doesn't make much sense, but is exquisitely beautiful. I love your use of imagery. I think you could strengthen the idea of music and paper wings running through the poem, so that the flow together, but it's also wonderful as is.

over 4 years

The Greatest Triumph

PROMPT: Unlikely Triumph

I really like how you split this into little sections; it lends an immediacy to your tale. You have a very distinct style, with the short sentences and fragments, but it works very well to convey the main characters state of mind. I would read over it a few times and make sure that the style is consistent and clear at all times, because that can sometimes be a problem. Overall, however, this is masterfully executed.

over 4 years

The Moon's Haiku.

PROMPT: Season-a-Changing

I really love the different, contradictory images you use in this haiku. It gives me a feeling of the sadness and the hope that is inevitable in literal or mental transitions.

over 4 years

Him

PROMPT: Illumination

I really like how you focus on the eyes and the smile, stripping down the descriptions to the bare bones. With phrases like 'more beautiful than any jewel' and 'true beauty' and 'light the way in the darkest of times', you might want to think about how you are using these more cliched words, though they don't really take away from the description.

over 4 years

icarus

PROMPT: Pantoum

This is a really lovely piece! The lines you've picked to repeat according to the style draw the reader into the narrative very cleverly. I'm not familiar with this poetry form, so it took me a few stanza's to get used to, but once I did I really enjoyed both the story and your interpretation.

over 4 years

Nebula

PROMPT: 1 Photo, 20 Words

This is, in fact, 19 words if I counted right, but that doesn't matter too much. You use repeated structure to great effect here. You might want to weave the suggestions of a soul through the words (which I get is hard with such a short poem), or you can just leave it as that wonderful suprise with the last two words.

over 4 years

Silent Trees

FREE WRITING

This poem is filled with really rich imagery, and I loved that. The semi rhyme-rhythm scheme does seem to be a little bit obstructive, to me; maybe just leave that behind and make the poem more like free verse? I would also recommend that you leave some things to be said in-between the lines; it's okay for a poem to have lot's of implicit meaning!

over 4 years

The Unknown

PROMPT: 1 Photo, 20 Words

This poem is, obviously, brief, but very powerful. I like the idea that humans are inferior, but that's an acceptable part of life. A few small tweaks could make that even more clear.

over 4 years

Further

PROMPT: 1 Photo, 20 Words

This is an excellent piece. You manage to avoid cliches, but also play with them--how overused are the words star and moon. I loved the tone of this piece. I would just recommend that you think about your linebreaks, to ensure the poem flows naturally.

over 4 years

10 Things That Remind Me That It's Okay to Feel

PROMPT: Enumeration

This list feels like it only applies to you, to some extent, but it's certainly interesting to read, so that's okay.

over 4 years

Today I Am Sixteen

FREE WRITING

This is exquisitely written, but very sad. I love how you present the ideal of what it means to be sixteen and how it has collapsed.

over 4 years

TV

FREE WRITING

This piece is totally wacky, and I think it's supposed to be. Apart from some obvious grammar/spelling/formatting stuff, I would reccommend having shorter paragraphs so that the change in events of the story seem more obvious and dramatic.

over 4 years

10 Shorts About Stories, The World and Reality

PROMPT: 10 Second Essays

I really like this piece, even though I don't agree with all of the 10 second truths. You phrase things in a really unique way that prompts thought!

over 4 years

When Death Tells the Story: Markus Zusak's The Book Thief

PROMPT: Book Review Writing Competition 2016

This is a great review. Just keep on being specific and showing how much you love this story.

over 4 years

Review: Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass #5) by Sarah J Maas

PROMPT: Book Review Writing Competition 2016

I was sort of on the fence about reading this book, but now I'm sure that I will sooner or later. Say what you will about the torment Maas puts her characters through, but she can tell a great story.

over 4 years

We Don't Know

PROMPT: Mysteries Abound

I really love this piece. The words resonate in my head, and leave me still curious, and very full of whimsy. I love your use of the plural pronoun to refer to all people.

over 4 years

Respect

PROMPT: 7 Cubed

This is a very interesting reflection on the notion of respect, and earning it. But I don't really see a change in the character, even though you use repeating structure to great effect. Even with a short story like this, it's possible to show a change in character, so you could attempt to do that as you continue to revise this piece.

over 4 years

Certain Things My Mother Told Me Which Somehow I Have Not Forgotten

PROMPT: 10 Second Essays

This is a piece that comes across as really sad. I saw that you said it was a mother to a daughter, and that knowledge helps me to make sense of the piece; however, it's not totally obvious without seeing the title--I thought that this could be something someone was writing as they left someone. I like the idea of advice, though, and love how you've phrased it as a conversation. Your ideas could perhaps do with some clarification, but your imagery and sentence construction is amazing.

over 4 years

To Want and to Remember

PROMPT: Letter Writing Competition 2016

This letter has great content, but I feel like you spend a lot of time on describing things/places. Focus more one how you experienced those things and places--what you thought and what you felt--and it'll be much more appealing. But good job so far!

over 4 years

Belief

PROMPT: 7 Cubed

I tried this prompt too, so I get how hard it is to work within the sentence constraints. However, the sentence from 'But-return" definitely runs on, with too many commas. Try to clarify your ideas here.

over 4 years

Tick tock tick tock

PROMPT: One Sentence Story

Even in one sentence, you want to create plot, which means tension. I get your idea with this story, but if you tried to create tension, perhaps by mentioning that while some people's lives change utterly, others are totally still,

over 4 years

12 Reasons I Write

PROMPT: Enumeration

Some parts of this list (e.g., #4 and #6, #1 and #2, #8 and #9) feel a little bit repetitive. How could you phrase them so that the subtle distinction between each of these ideas is a) clearer to read and b) maybe more decorative in the language aspect?

over 4 years