Peer Review by clos (United States of America)()

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?

Mexico (Draft 2)

By: Jessica Garcia

PROMPT: Dual Existence

We take the steps off of the plane and I smell the same smell of familiarness. Whether it's raining when we step off or dry as ever, the smell is always there. We walk into the airport and head to customs. I already know it's coming, the wave of mosquitoes that bite you until you have bumps all over your skin. I came prepared though, I'm all covered up so they won't bite me. We hurry through customs and walk out to a crowd of people waiting to greet their families. People are smiling and hugging and catching up with each other. We finally find my tia and tio (aunt and uncle) and we talk as we walk to the car. We stuff into the same little white car they've had for years and make our way back to my grandma's house. We drive for about 15 minutes and I see the same colorful sign that states "Bienvenidos a Guadalajara" (Welcome to Guadalajara). Then start to see them, the colorful string of houses/apartments. None of them look the same, they all have their own personality. Then finally, I see the street sign that says "Javier Mina" and I get so excited. We park and I'm ready to see my whole family in the cochera (some type of garage). And there they are. All around me I hear, "Hola Tia Jesy" "Hola Jessica Baby" "Hola, hola" "Te extranamos tanto" as we walk into the cochera. Suddenly I feel, as if I've never left. 

Peer Review

For me personally, I'm hispanic, so I can definitely relate to many things you are talking about in here, which is awesome, but the thing I see that really sticks out your voice and how you describe the things you see. You start with your steps out of the plane then your experience inside the airport, to meeting your tia and tio, then driving over to your grandma's house and finally arriving there. I like the flow of the story. And everything you do in the present time, you directly relate it to experiences you've had in the past. Showcasing great moments of dual existence. The way you describe the things you see and how it was in the past, all while allowing the events in the story to play out one after the other, is a great aspect of this piece. Good job!

Because I really enjoyed the experiences you've had both in the past and present in your time in Mexico and hearing about that, I encourage you to carve more of that and translate it into the story. Some things that I thought that were cool and suggest you can expand on, is the smell of familiarness. What did it smell like? Perhaps you can make a metaphor or a simile or some form of descriptive language. Also I think it would be fun to visually describe your tio y tia. Maybe noting similarities or differences in their physical features from now and before. Describing la cochera would also be pretty interesting. Visually placing that familiar image into the reader's head to show them what you were seeing. Also may be describing the weather as with the smell would be fun to expand on. So what did it feel like to step back in time in terms of weather.

Reviewer Comments

I really liked this piece, even though it's just a draft. It's filled with a concrete storyline that describes you experiencing the present while recounting the past. With the descriptive detail you use to recount these memories and the tone of your writing, it made me interested to learn more and experience what it was like for you on this journey through the past. It would be fun to expand this story through various details, but that's up to you. Good job, hope to see more!