Peer Review by Zen (United States of America)()

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Vagabond

By: Kii


On the day she was born, she didn't know anything.
Naive and careless like any other child.
Smiling and laughing with no care in the world.

As time passed, she grew older.
She couldn't bear to stay in one place. So she moved.
She walked. She ran. She fell.
Nevertheless, she keeps moving forward.

Wandering endlessly
Finding my own path selflessly
I kept going. Then I stopped.
Standing still, thinking.

Although, the answer was clear as day.
I was fearful of my consciousness.
I knew after my break I would continue to wander.
Although, this time I wasn't alone.

 


Message to Readers

I wrote both in third-person and first-person, although I wonder if it clashes too much. Should I stick with only one perspective?


Peer Review

I can't believe this story is written at 100 words long! It is very well written and sequenced. I was actually drawn in by the first stanza. They write, "Naive and careless like any other child." this sentence clicked in my head and also tells me that the author is pretty self-conscious and it continues with the second stanza.


The use of perspective and alteration between third person and first person is astonishing! I really like how the 1-2 stanza are in third person and the 3-4 stanzas are in first person. They also described things in their story well like for example, "Finding my own path selflessly", which is a beautiful sentence also adds on with self-conscious author.


Reviewer Comments

I love it please keep writing! I don't see anything to add, maybe make one more sentence for the first stanza to be the same length as the others below it. Other than that I don't have much to say than this was amazing to read. I was really touched by it!!