connor.davis

United States

He/Him
eighteen
Musician
Amatuer writer

Message from Writer

I accept anything can happen at anytime. I accept death and life are one. I am ready for everything to just stop in a second. I just try to do as much as I can before that time.

My Experiences of Losing Hope

November 4, 2020

FREE WRITING

3
WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY HURT I SUGGEST YOU SKIP THIS ENTRY AS I WILL DISCUSS MY EXPERIENCE WITH SUICIDE AND LOSING PEOPLE TO SUICIDE. IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING AND NEED HELP TALK TO SOME ONE. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO CALL 800-273-8255. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE AT ANYTIME WHILE READING I SUGGEST YOU DO FOR YOUR HEALTH. I AM BETTER NOW AND I AM IN A BETTER MENTAL STATE AND I RECIEVE HELP FROM FAMILY AND A THERAPIST. ANYWAY LET'S BEGIN

I started thinking badly about myself after 7th grade. I saw how good everyone else was with their friends and felt I was not worth anyone's time. I got called a lot by older kids and just was ignoring everyone. This is when I met my then girlfriend. She knew my problems and my flaws. She left me in the summer and I lost it. I felt as if I wasn't good enough for anyone. As the years went on I took more s**t from other people when I finally met my friend. (I won't be saying her name so I will just call her F). F was 18 at the time and loved parties. She was always safe and stayed with friends. I had a huge crush on her and worked up the courage to ask her. When she texted me she had bad news...she was r*ped. I did everything to try and help her through it. I put off my plans of asking her because I did not want to hurt her and make her think that is all she is. After 6 months of trying my best to help her through, I got a video from her. 

Again if you are sensitive to this kind of stuff I ask you leave for your health. Again I am in a better mental state and this is like a therapy for me. Last chance to leave. Alright if you got this far you are going at your own risk. 

The video that was sent was of her cutting her arm. Blood pooling down from the cuts. The second and last video I got was her saying "I always loved you Connor". She then cut her neck and coughed. Her mother texted me from her phone telling me that she wanted to travel to see me two months prior but didn't think I liked her. The date this happened was June 26, 2018. I miss her dearly and I wish I could go back and do things differently. She inspired me to help everyone no matter what happens. I sadly have to admit several times I have given up and thought about harming myself but I thought of her and remembered how much it hurt to lose her. If you feel like giving up, remember that people care about you even if they don't show it. 

The moral of this, is to just remember that while yes the pain ends for you it moves to someone else. If you feel hopeless remember my story and think of your parents, siblings, friends, and people you talk to daily. Imagine what they would feel if you removed yourself from their daily life. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and understanding my pain. 

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  • November 4, 2020 - 12:35pm (Now Viewing)

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1 Comment
  • mirkat

    oh this must have been terrible and heartwrenching wow i am sorry, but sorry sounds like an excuse so i will say i hear you and am here if you want to talk.....wow. sending love. this was such a betiful and sorrowful piece full of emotion.... <3<3<3


    6 months ago