i'm just gonna be very brutally and simply honest. i am so happy. tonight, i felt like i was totally on top of the world. i felt like i was literally standing on top of the pile of my sadness, anger, heartbreak, worries and tears, saying "f*ck you!", to everything that hurt me the past couple months. i talked about everything i would collapse onto the ground in tears for a few weeks or months ago, as if it was nothing. in a new perspective. i ran and played tennis and talked and laughed and honestly, deeply enjoyed myself. i know i will be sad again, and i will break again, but tonight, i felt like i left all my past pain behind me. i don't really care if i'm really over everything. i know i'll still be worrying. but today, i was truly, genuinely happy. and i deserved that. god, i deserve the happiness, no matter what i tell myself sometimes. read that again.