Peer Review by Araw (Australia)()

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How I Singlehandedly Murdered the Stars

By: mayfly

PROMPT: Enlightenment

Beyond the sunset, I saw them
Forlorn and despondent
I craned my neck towards at all their disconsolate little eyes:
“Describe light for me”
“Woebegone, I’ve never seen the day”

I nearly spat, they nearly fizzled to my feet
Woebegone? Woeisme!
For the sun carries a backwards light that will take you, you desolate stars, as it steals every piece of me.
‘Describe the light’; this demand cancelled any resemblance of their martyrdom.

You desolate stars, stop looking down at me, I am not your slave.
Look down upon me as the pirate, on his high horse, looks upon the siren
‘Describe the light’; Yes, I had the words to call the world beautiful and to lay it on thick, but I didn’t.

When my lover begged for me to be a poet, I laid it on thick.
When he was dark, I was the star
When red was dull, I offered him my blood
I abducted the air, ransacked the sunrays, appropriated beauty.
When my lover begged me for beauty, I became every stolen bit I could find

But I, a feeble light reflector, cannot hold the stars in the sky
When I asked myself: ‘describe the light,’
She said: everything you drain from the world.
So this was when I craned my neck towards at all their disconsolate their little eyes
In hopes, they would console my self-inflicted wounds
But all they had to say 
All. They. Had.
Was: “Describe light for me”

So, rather furious, I didn’t answer right away
Days later, I did (mostly to myself)
“I am light, I am the stars, and I will not be humbled”
Just like that, in a final heist, I stole the stars.
And in their last blink they said “no, I am the light. Don’t be mistaken, I never asked who the light was.”
“What do you want then?”
“Light was dull until you described it. I never wanted the sun, I only wanted you”
And just like that, I killed the stars.
Dawn hit me like a freight train.

Peer Review

"When I asked myself: ‘describe the light,’ /She said: everything you drain from the world. " Yeah, that is hands down the best line for me. The way you refer to yourself as "she" adds a certain power to the already strong lines. It's just one of those things you read that sends a chill up your spine when you read it because it was so good.

Honestly, your vocabulary and technique is amazing. Your use of italics really adds something small but effective in the piece. It separates your thoughts from what you see and that extra facet to the narrator's perspective rounds out the piece perfectly. The motif and symbolism of stars really ties it all together into one. The way you use structure in such a free form, but at the same time, ordered way is also quite refreshing. A lot of poetry is very structured and a lot of poetry that isn't seems too lackluster in how ideas are conveyed. You, however, have pulled it off very well.

Reviewer Comments

This is an amazing work. A few things in word choice can be improved, as with most pieces, but all in all, you have a talent. This work gives the impression that you are a very detail oriented writer and arguably no trait is better in writing poetry. Be proud of yourself for this work.