Roses of auckland

Jey Min (SOTA)

Singapore

I write when I gain inspiration. I aspire to be a published poet someday.

Message to Readers

I'll like some feedback on how I can make the poem flow better.

Mountains in a distance

January 19, 2019

FREE WRITING

4
There is something about the music,
The way it worms through the head
the way it makes shapes dance behind my eyelids.
How your voice intertwines with the radio's
static-laced dream, 
the road so much more open,
your smile so much wider.
Though I know that after the light
there will be dark.
(But after the dark fades)
comes the vivid colours of a new beginning
(tinting the sky a rising blue and orange)
After dark comes another day under the burning starlight
(of the sun)
and we’ll be back here,
running away from the past,
singing along to the melody of wanderlust.
 

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  • January 19, 2019 - 8:54am (Now Viewing)

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2 Comments
  • Gabriel Goodwin

    In my opinion, this poem flows nicely in a narrative sense so you've done well to convey that. Plus the lines in parentheses are an interesting stylistic choice (clear to say, you were experimenting right?). If you want to make your poems even more fluid/flow nicely, try these:

    1. Make your poem dynamic (Combine long lines with short lines to achieve a sort of rhythmic fluidity).

    Ex:
    I travel along the path of darkness,
    Ruthless,
    I sought everything meaningless

    2. Basic way of adding flow is by adding rhyme at the end of each line...An interesting way to do it is to add rhyme every line at different parts of that line.

    Ex:
    Yellow are the ROADS
    That GOES back and ROWS,
    SHOWS the FLOW,
    My time can only KNOW

    (All my examples are made on the spot so sorry if it sounds random)

    Good Luck and keep writing! Have a great day!!!


    5 months ago
  • RainAndSonder

    Personally, I couldn't find anything wrong with the flow of the poem. I actually thought it flowed quite nicely. I love how vivid this piece is, the descriptions you use to paint a picture of a hopelessly hopeful relationship and the "melody of wanderlust." I loved the line "the radio's static-laced dream," and I thought that the part with the parentheses "(but after the dark fades)" was an intriguing stylistic choice and worked quite well. The only advice I have, and this is just a small thing, maybe put "my head" instead of "the head" in the second line? Just a suggestion. Anyway, fantastic poem!


    5 months ago