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Ruthh

United Kingdom

you know that ancient egyptian embalming technique where they pull out the brain through the nose? that’s what i do with writing. if i were you, i wouldn’t lick my pencils.

Message to Readers

was it funny or just cringe?

It Was Just A Prank, Bro

April 9, 2019

FREE WRITING

21
“Officers, for the last time, it was an accident.”

Dubiously, the police officer gazed upon the teenager sprawled in the hospital bed. He was not a pretty sight: his brown hair was messed up, his grey eyes were bloodshot and his left arm was embraced protectively in a sling.

“I know what that look is. You don’t believe me,” he continued, an exasperated sigh dripping from his lips. “Disgusting. Unbelievable. I was promised a fair hearing of my experiences and you continue to look at me as if I meant for this to happen? I’ll tell you again: it was just a prank!”

“Let’s go through the story again, Richard.” She suggested calmly, fingers tapping impatiently on the radio at her hip. “Slowly.”

“Gotcha,” with a flourish of his right hand, Richard began his account of the day for the second time…

Everyone had been waiting for this day for months: sixteenth birthdays were a big thing. They only happened once, and when you’re the first person to go through the esteemed rite of passage you not only get the pressure to buy a car first and drive everyone to school, but you get the biggest recognition.

Alas: Richard had been planning his big prank for months. Frank was the man of the hour (oh, he had aged so well, so tall and big and strong) and Richard was determined to make his best mate’s birthday a day never to forget.

The day started with the usual birthday treats: a silly tagged photo on Instagram, helium balloons rapidly purchased from the cheapest shop they could find…

But one thing did not fall into this conventional category of congeniality. Whilst all that was happening, Richard and Elijah slithered like snakes into the sacred, secret confine of Miss Muffet’s Little Tuffets Cake Emporium.

The two boys were greeted like film stars on a red carpet of blood and lava; smiled at, winked at, waved at and adored. The shop was not open for normal business: all the silly routines of everyday life had been shed like a cocoon for the notorious occasion that had been brewing and bubbling in the most exotic regions of Richard’s average B student brain ever since Frank had mentioned he had wanted the best cake he had ever seen, and Richard had promised that he would deliver.

Richard never broke his promises.

The team got to work at once. Working like a well-oiled machine, the employees of the Cake Emporium whisked up gallons and gallons of their finest chocolate batter. The beautiful silky cake mix writhed like the Olympics rhythmic ribbon: a stretch of heaven that had fallen to earth with the knowledge that what they would find in this modest bakery was a hundred times before special then anything the sky could behold. Stars paled in comparison! The universe spluttered out and choked on its failure! The planets danced their last dance before crashing into each other with mutual defeat! To be honest, if Donald Trump could’ve tasted just a speck of what was cooking, he would stop being bigoted and maybe realise that the tan really wasn’t working—

“Richard, was that appropriate?”

“Right. Sorry, it wasn’t. I got a bit carried away. But please, don’t do that again. You’re disrupting my flow.”

“Just get on with it.”

The biggest ovens had to be utilised in order to contain the beast. Carefully constructed, the cooked result was a giant cake – bigger than Richard – with a hollow box in the middle that could hold a person.

The plan was simple: put Elijah in the cake and have him burst out like the alien in John Hurt’s stomach when Frank least expected it. It was going to be epic.

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Richard received a text: ‘Mate, Frank’s coming! Hurry up!’

Panic ensued: a tsunami of nerves washed over Richard. The surprise couldn’t be spoiled! They had to move quickly. Piping bags were whipped out and hastily administrated on the ridges of the cake. Quickly, Richard pushed Elijah into the box inside the cake and the lid was fastened on top. Muffled words pushed their way through the cake as it was wheeled down the room. “Shut up!” Richard hissed back, supremely worried Frank would hear. The cake fell silent.

The crowd of gathered friends and family had only just started singing Happy Birthday as the cake was majestically wheeled out. Beaming, Richard slapped Frank on the back. “Happy birthday mate. Go on, have a bit!”

Frank gazed in awe at the massive cake that loomed before him like a skyscraper. Grinning, he gave his thanks and went to cut a chunk of cake.

Everyone fell silent in anticipation.

It was now or never.

Just as Elijah rushed on to the scene with frenzy etched into face, the cake erupted with a monstrous roar. Richard, in his haste, had shoved the wrong man into the cake. Instead of Elijah, Mason – the claustrophobic karate black belt cake shop employee – had been smothered in darkness. He wasn’t happy.

Snarling and whirling and lashing as if there was no tomorrow, Mason leapt out of the cake and flattened Frank to the ground in his desperation to escape the suffocating dark. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he landed punch after punch after punch after punch after-

“Yeah, that’s basically when you lot arrived,” Richard scratched the back of his head with a trickle of nervous laughter. “I didn’t mean to! I won’t get charged for anything, will I?”

“No. Don’t worry,” the police officer made some last few notes before shaking her head and rising. “I’m sorry for what happened. You must be devastated that it went so wrong.”

“Are you kidding? It’s gonna look so cool on my Youtube channel.”
i was doing a practice english language paper response (any fellow britons with gcses looming) with the prompt 'write the opening to a story about an event gone wrong' with the picture of a hospital corridor to help. i mean, my first thoughts were all doom and gloom and deeeeeeep, intellectual pieces but sod that. i honestly don't know whether or not you get more or less marks for how serious your piece is but i guess i'll find out when my teacher marks it ahahaha fingers crosseddddd

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  • April 9, 2019 - 12:28pm (Now Viewing)

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10 Comments
  • JCWriter

    I agree, that last line is great! Nice job with this!


    3 months ago
  • The Bubbling Pen

    hahahahah the last line really got me X'D. Awesome work and all the best for your gcses <3


    5 months ago
  • Zixdude

    I love tongue-in-cheek pieces. That's why I follow you. Thanks a ton!


    5 months ago
  • pencils.and.paper.roses

    *applause applause applause* XD


    5 months ago
  • Ashleigh2403

    so funny


    5 months ago
  • f l o r a

    nope this is H I L A R I O U S


    5 months ago
  • Johanna

    Ahhh this is amazing!! It was hilarious!!!


    5 months ago
  • RainAndSonder

    Omg, that Donald Trump bit was amazing. Honestly this whole thing is. I started out reading it thinking it would be a super dark, grim piece about a prank gone wrong where someone ended up dying or innocent people got hurt or something, but this is just as good if not better than that. Fantastic work!


    5 months ago
  • loveletterstosappho

    this is BRILLIANT and i love it


    5 months ago
  • Misfit

    This is hilarious!


    5 months ago