Fresh leaves and frosty grounds, her favourite season.
"When new life brings warmth to melt deprived frozen hearts, stolen by holiday's greed." Beautiful, right? She always had a way with words, the ability to make sense of things without having to think twice, then managing to interpret them in her own mesmerising way. Although, comfort was her initial strength when it came to lying helplessly on the floor, lost and delirious with me in the dark, deep within the daunting world that I hadn't been able to face sometime or other.
Memories flood into thought as I recollect her happy, brighter states bouncing along and entering familiar corridors usually at this particular time of year. Only, this time her ghost replaces her presence trapped by that of the taunting emptiness. Caged in, held back by bare walls to guide me along instead. No secret smile flashed at the turn of the pretty head in front. No soft whispers to tickle my ears with belonging.
"We could be more than this. Just you and I, taking on the world together. We'll have to wait to escape this sodden materialistic system first but after, there would be no stopping us. We would be magnificent. Along side one another whilst conquering the highest mountains and fighting our deepest fears. Unstoppable." "And how would we pay for such a trip?" I'd reply challengingly, wearing my teasing grin which she loved to hate.
"We wouldn't," she'd laugh, "for it would be an adventure not just a trip. Maybe even a journey-" "Like that one the hobbit took, unexpected and full of horrible surprises?" I would then press.
"No! Unexpected and full of beautiful surprises," taking my hand and slowly rising her head to look me in the eyes. "Just you, me and-" "The seven dwarfs! Wait, no-the twelve dwarfs and crazily tall grey wizard!" By that point, laughter would take over and we would be suddenly snapped at by an infuriated teacher, disapproving whilst shaking their heads at the volume of our dreams.
I yearn to see her, embrace her, yet again. My angel in shining armour who rose me from the slump of the bedroom floor, stained in tears wept in confusion and frustration. She understood. She was there with me and deeper yet. Upon even rockier grounds than I, able to survive just enough not to crumble. Although she appeared brave and undeterred, I knew how much her insides were slowly wasting away, and could see beyond the mask that had clung on to her face since the day Death had claimed her mother. I guess I loved her in admiration of her bravery in some way. She was like some sort of goddess who had wonderlessly risen from the ashes of her blackened past.
"Great people don't get Oscars...they get Tumblr fandoms! Just like Leonardo DiCaprio," she replied after I'd informed just how much she seriously deserved one.
"So I don't suppose you have one by any chance?" I remember the raise of her eyebrows in mystery followed by the outburst and jerk of her head backwards.
"How much would you love to see it if I did?" I sigh and clutch on to my dangling bag straps, tightening my grip until it stings. Grudgingly, I turn the corner and get stuck behind a group of straggling first years squeaking at the top of their voices. Frustrated, yet again alone with only the thoughts I cannot out walk. If only someone would pass and say hey just to momentarily distract me. Suddenly, they disband running off in all directions, caught up in some pointless game.
Finally I see their faces at the far end, their waves in greeting. Almost there. Just a couple more steps-
"Come on! Stay a little bit longer - please? For me?" She's splayed across the sofa buried under a mound of dogs which refused to move against her fighting struggle."Look, I don't know when I'll next see you again - if ever again," I began hastily picking my schoolbooks off of the swept floor, ignoring the words which I'd dreaded.
"I'm sorry," jumping to her feet she admits, grasping my arm to restrain my fail attempt to avoid the conservation that had played over and over in my head leading up to that moment. "You know how much I'd rather stay if I could but it's not my fault there's no one leftover to care for me." "What about me? Don't you think I care about you?"
"You know what I mean-"
"Sure. But once you leave there'll be no one left to protect me or turn to either and don't get me started on surviving school," my selfish self couldn't get her head around the possibility.
"You don't know that. Things might change in a way that you'll be glad I left-" I try to protest but she steps closer cutting the breath from my lungs. "I'm sorry I'm the flaw to our plans of escape, I'm sorry I won't be there to get through those excruciating days and use my powers to make them that more bearable," a smile escapes my lips. "Who says it's the end of us and our amazing adventures?" We had hiked along the coastal path the previous summer and danced all night long in the middle of a meadow thinking, believing we were on top of the world right, then in that moment. "Just make sure you never forget that ok? Or me?" "Who could, Rosie?" Rosie, such a spring name. Flowers and showers to wash away the grief that winter had brought.
One last step and I'm away but her words, her ways, ring to remind me one last time that she will always be with me to conquer all that is both possible and impossible in my consciences' mind.
Confident, I take that step. Raise my head, clench my jaw.
"Hi, how were your hols?" Embraces. Laughter. Her.
"Great, the usual. You?" Remember. Forget. Her.
"A journey" Us.