Peer Review by Quille (United States)

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Online Shadow World Friends #cliffhangerqueencontest

By: xXlunagirlXx


Luna walks into her new school after waving to her mother and gently taps a tall guy's shoulder. He turns around, dressed in all black and currently, is wearing a scowl.
   "What do you want, four-eyed shrimp?" He growled out.
   "H...He...Hello .. I'm L-Luna... I'm new here... Would y-you be kind enough to s-show me to the office... So I can get my schedule?" Luna inquired, stuttering. Suddenly, tall guy grinned...
   "Yea, sure, gladly, I'm known 'round here as Reaper, just follow me." Reaper then walked off, Luna trailing behind him. They soon stopped at a nearby door, he opened it, shoved Luna in, and closed the door. Luna heard a lock click and teenage boys laughing on the other side.
  "Huh..?" Luna said, confused. Then she realized..she's in the janitor's closet... "HELP! I'm stuck in the janitor's closet!" Luna yelled, hoping someone would hear...No one heard her...

After the last school bell rang, the janitor opened his supply closet to find Luna in there.
   "Get out you ragamuffin!" Luna got out and ran outside, she still had all her stuff and her bookbag. She ran to her mum's car and got in...
  "How was school, honey?" Her mum asked.
  "Fine, just fine mum. I had fun..." Luna said, the lie burning her mouth as it came out.
  "Well, to celebrate this new school I got you a Shadow World VR set." Her mum announced.
   "Really mum?! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!" Luna hugged her mum, well, as best as she could while mum was driving...
  "Heh, no problem sweetie, especially with this new job, they gave me $500 on site!" Mum said as they pulled up to the house.
   "Wow! Really, mum?" Luna said astonished.  
 "Yes honey, your Shadow World things are all set up and ready to play, go ahead Hun, dinner will be ready in a bit so don't take too long," Mum said as Luna ran upstairs to set up her profile.
   She hurried to her room and saw everything was, indeed, set up. There was even a rig! She'll be free to walk without fear of running into something, even a wireless headset, with a mic! No tripping over cords! It almost made it so she forgot she was locked in a janitor's closet for eight hours. Almost. But, alas, the smell of chemicals clinging onto her won't let her forget. Luna sighs,'Oh well, maybe playing will take my mind off of it...'  She thought. She strapped in and puts the headset on.

     Welcome to Shadow World Online!

   The words faded to reveal a question...

  Which Do You Prefer;




Luna chooses to be a rouge( for those who don't know, rouges are mostly archers, they pick locks/pockets, set traps, disarm traps and are masters of stealth)
  What Will You Look Like?

    The game then shows an anime-looking boy. Luna touches the girl icon and makes the hair black. Then she chooses purple eyes and makes her short(like she is) and looks through the outfits 'Wait..." Luna thinks and looks through the eyes again. There are galaxy eyes!!! She can't believe she missed it! She chooses those eyes and looks at the clothes.

These are the options;

A Japanese yandere school girl outfit.

A Pink dress.

  A cute panda jacket (face and ears on the hood) with pink shirt and jeggings.

A cute wolf jacket (ears and face on the hood) cyan shirt, black leggings and blue, red, and black plaid long sleeve shirt around the waist.

  Luna chose the wolf one.
  Last but not least, Choose your name!

   Luna put xXwolfieXx.

   "Ugh..." Luna then taps in xXmoonprincessWolfieXx.

      What a nice name!

    The words fade.

   You may now pick a spawning area:


   Common area(player common area, cannot be killed or attacked here)

   Abandoned Village





Luna chooses the common area. It usually takes ten seconds to spawn.


      "Honey! Dinner's ready!" Mum says from the doorway, scaring the bejesus outta Luna. Luna logs off. Then she takes the headset off and unstraps herself.
  "Okay! Mum, I'm coming!..." Luna replies. Luna then walks into the living room. Dinner smelled heavenly. It also smelled like ham, croissants, and broccoli and cheese.
   "Honey glaze and cheesy, just how you like it, Hun!" Mum said.
   "YAAAASSSSS!" Luna said. She loves ham, croissants, and cheesy broccoli. "Thank you, mum!" She then got her plate, sat down, and opened her book (which was on the counter.) Then she proceeded to read and eat.

    2 Hours, 200 pages, and one empty plate later...

   "Alright, Hun, it's time for bed," Mum said.
   "Okay, mum..." Luna says, dreading school tomorrow. "G'night mum!" Luna yells on her way to her room. She looks longingly at the VR set and rig, then shakes her head. She can wait. Luna climbs into her bed and tries to fall asleep. She was awake until 5:00 am. 

   3 Hours later(8:00 am)

"Wake up! You have half an hour 'till school!" Mum was shaking Luna awake, an outfit over her arm.
 "I'm up...I'm up..." Luna says, groggily.
  "I picked your outfit to save time, now get dressed!" Mum then walked out, the said outfit is now beside Luna. She puts it on and looks into the mirror... She is immediately appalled. 
  "MOOOM!!! PINK?! A SKIRT!!!" Luna yelled, furious. She picked up a cyan shirt, a pair of leggings and jean shorts and changed into those. Then she tied a black jacket around her waist. She ran down the stairs, grabbing her bookbag on her way.
  "Worth a try, now climb into the car, I need to drive you, your bus just passed," Mum said, grabbing her keys. They both climbed into the car and buckled up. They drove to Cherry Grove High School.
  Luna jumped out, "Bye mum, Love ya!" Then she ran inside and saw the office. She face-palmed herself. 'I'm so stupid' She thought. Luna walked into the office.
   "Name?" The Secretary, Ms. Claire (or at least her name tag says so) said.
   "Luna Walker."
  "You were supposed to be here yesterday!"
   "I know...I'm sorry...There were... Complications."
  "Alright, hold on." She picked up the intercom and dialed a classroom's number. "Hi, Miss Wagoner, can you please send Reaper to the front office? He's going to be giving the new girl a tour of the school, so have him grab his things too."
  'REAPER?! SHOWING ME AROUND?!' Luna panicked.

This is not finished, and I am a fourteen-year-old girl who has loved writing since she was 7.

  Mum: proud of yourself for making these poor souls wait?

 Me: Yes, yes I am


Viva La Evil.

(P.s: I can only write at school so I only post during school hours)

Peer Review

I love the plot that seems to be developing here....... Is Reaper gonna be a rotten bully or is he going to turn out a bit more like Prince Charming??? Luna's character is really awesome and I like her mom too :DD Your descriptions are very apt and vocabulary choices are solid :DD

More on the Shadow World Online game would be awesome; I find it very intriguing! I'm also really wanting to know more about Reaper, his character has a ton of potential to be either good or bad :SK Of course, What happens after the cliffhanger??

Reviewer Comments

Great job on this!! It's super believable//relatable! :DD
I'm sorry it took so long to get to reviewing; I'll get the other two done asap :D
Thanks for entering my contest (so long ago! :) and keep writing!!!! :DDD