s:)

Singapore

// swimmer • runner // us • jpn • sg // class of '23 //

Message to Readers

I actually wrote this for a school assignment, but never ended up submitting it. It is a part of me that I don't tend to share, but I thought I'd give it a go :) It's a 100% true and recent story. Any feedback would be great!

Rainbow Love

January 6, 2019

FREE WRITING

6
     To the rest of the world, my life was practically perfect. There’s always that group of kids at school who are known to be really well rounded; smart, athletic, artistic, kind, and really fun. After a while, I realized that I was actually part of that group. My friends and I did well in school, excelled in sports, and so on. We had an amazing friendship, and were always happy together. I was never the loudest kid, but I had a healthy social life, chatting with lots of people throughout my day. To the rest of the world, I lived the life that many others wished for. The “perfect” life. 
     Damn, I wish that was true.
     There were enough things that weighed me down; my unsupportive parents, my grandma who’s dying of cancer, and my constant silent battles against myself. Though these things were definitely tough on me, I could push them away during school, masked by a smile and a happy group of friends. One thing, though, that I couldn’t hide from school, was something about myself that I noticed in around 7th grade. It was the first time someone came to our school and openly stated “I’m gay, I like girls and there’s nothing wrong with that.” Her name was Zoe, and she would prove to make a big impact on my life.
Throughout that year, I started noticing the way I got the same fluttery feeling about certain girls than guys. Slowly piecing together fractions of suspicions, it finally hit me: I’m not straight. And not gay, either. I’m bisexual. The thought terrified me. What if people found out? Will I get judged? Will my friends ditch me? My mind raced nonstop for months on end until 7th grade finally came to an end.
     Over the summer at camp, I felt a pull towards someone. I liked someone. But not just anyone. A girl. Laying in my dark and cold dorm one night, my stomach hurt from doing a hundred somersaults of fear, the same voice echoing in my head. You like a girl. You’re one of those LGBT people now. How can you do that to yourself? But I learned soon enough, it wasn’t a choice. I thought that as long as I kept my mouth shut about it, it wouldn’t be real. Just another thought in my head.
8th grade was creeping up, and conflicted between wanting to be proud of who I was but not wanted to be judged by others, I didn’t know what to do. Finally, after working myself up for about an hour, I texted the girl from last year, Zoe. She was the only person I felt safe coming out to. When I told her, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest. But a whole new one was right placed back on. Now, it’s real. Now, I can’t turn back. Now, it’s a fact, not a thought: I’m bi.
     Soon enough, I was able to tell some of my best friends and eventually my whole friend group. The reactions were scattered. Some were okay with it, others not so much. It was painful that some people might leave me because of it. I was planning on taking everything slow, but a major factor prevented that. Zoe revealed that she had feelings for me, and I couldn’t deny the feelings I had back. Before I knew it, thinking we could keep it private, we started dating. Unfortunately, as I quickly learned, that was not how middle school works.
     It spread throughout the whole grade. I don’t know whether it was Zoe or my friends who told everyone, as they both blamed each other. It was hard enough knowing I was outed to the whole grade, and even harder knowing that whoever did it was someone I trusted. This brought on a lot of friendship conflict, which was the one thing I couldn’t bear as the rest of the grade both silently and loudly judged me, seeing me as a whole new person.
     I stopped being that “perfect” kid. All of a sudden, everything people saw me for disappeared, and the only thing they saw of me was “the one dating a girl”. Every stare burned through my skin, every whisper screamed in my head. I relied on what was most important to me in my life: my friends. After we worked everything out, we were one happy group again. We did everything just like we used to. They saw me for who I always was, not who I became labeled to be. And with the strength that we built together, I was able to deal with everything else. No, I’m not the “perfect” kid anymore, but was I really ever? Nobody is perfect, and our flaws and differences, invisible scars that give us strength, only make us more unique and real. More human.

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  • January 6, 2019 - 4:23pm (Now Viewing)

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4 Comments
  • Johanna

    This is such a positive and real piece- thank you for sharing your story. <3


    11 months ago
  • N.

    This is a really great piece... first off, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. That fear is what has kept me in the closet for years now. But that ending gives me hope :) I wish you the best of luck as you continue to navigate school and relationships. Thank you for this piece- it's beautifully told.
    -And, I couldn't help but notice that you're a swimmer. Hello, fellow swimmer. Not to be dramatic but I could wake up from a month-long coma and need a nap from the effort. You feel me?


    11 months ago
  • green.eyes.gurl

    When I was in sixth grade I developed a crush on a girl in my school whose name was, coincidentally, also Zoe. I told my friend Olivia, because I thought "She doesn't judge me. She doesn't tell anyone my secrets. She will accept me." Oh, how I was wrong. She said her and her family are "disgusted by me." She said at one point in seventh grade "My parents don't want me to be friends with you, and honestly, I don't want to be friends with you, even if I was allowed." It hurt. I haven't lost more than five other friends because of it, and I'm grateful, because some people lose their families. Your ending was so strong and gives such a positive tone to this. I might write a story about my situation now. Thank you for this <3


    11 months ago
  • The Bubbling Pen

    This is such a beautiful piece and I really appreciate the truth and sincerity behind it. Your ending "Nobody is perfect, and our flaws and differences, invisible scars that give us strength, only make us more unique and real. More human." carries a really positive message that I think everyone could learn from <3 I'm glad that now your group is happy again and that you can be proud of who you are =)


    11 months ago