Peer Review by Writers of the World (United States)

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Dance of the Flowers #fire

By: Majestically Awkward Manatee


FREE WRITING

i remember the glass shattering
the blood dripping 
the brutal screams
that were kept inside us

i remember their ashes
the fire in their eyes
the fire that killed them
the lies that chained them

all our past tendencies 
were just deceptions
i wish I could find comfort in warmth
and just live

but as our ashes blew away
i could only remember that time
when we were simply just us
when we did the dance of the flowers

 

This is for PureHeart’s contest :)

Peer Review

Word choice in this piece was wonderful!! It seemed like you picked out each and every word carefully, and fit them together like it was a puzzle, creating this masterpiece. Each stanza/section has four lines making it a great, creative, and consistent set up. You were able to fit the whole piece within sixteen lines, and I love how you were able to compose this piece. Metaphors, smilies, descriptions-your figurative language was precious and memorable. From beginning four lines to the very last one everything about this piece draws a picture.


At first, you talked about 'their' and then 'our', which was slightly confusing. It seemed like you weren't originally included, and then suddenly you were. What happened? The reader reads about the before, and after; the beginning, and the end; the past and the future; what about the now? The middle? The present? What happened?


Reviewer Comments

Great piece! Wonderful and unique!