Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
draft ii. kind of proud of this.
feedback appreciated. how could i make it better?
by the way, this will be the last thing i publish for a week or two. going overseas.
The ending, of course, was very surprising. But, I'm sure you've got that a lot, so I'll move on. A part that really moved me was how September changes and develops as he has to continue to grow around a woman who doesn't speak and a man who is sort of crazy. The change was warranted and expected, but he was also still accepting despite how odd his family was.
Nothing much. Despite the time periods (the emoticons were around in the eighties, so I'm kind of confused about how old-fashioned the computers seemed), I can understand everything. You did well with incorporating the reader within the story. Random Thought: There was so much figurative language throughout the first introduction. As the story goes on, the figurative language and description winds down a bit too much; it's kind of dramatic. Maybe decrease the amount of description within the introduction to make the change a little more gradual.
This was a very descriptive and vivid story. I love how relatable it is a metaphoric way.
I have to admit, the completely lowercase form of writing throws me off quite a bit, but it's very interesting. I've tried writing in lowercase, but I'm only comfortable with doing it with poetry.
Anyway, more notes:
-- Work on the timeline. Computers and emoticons were well developed at this point in time, but your story makes them seem much more old-fashioned.
-- Lots of description throughout, great job with that.
-- Does the mom make actual faces or not? Sorry, another random question.
-- September's pov and tone remains constant throughout the story, so no points there.
-- Try to explain how the father feels about this a bit more. We get how September and his mother feels, but the father is kind of left out in that sense.
Anyway, great story. I enjoyed reading it