You know that feeling when you think you’ve made the wrong choice but you know you’ve made the right one? We’ll I have been struggling with it about a year now. Yes, I know it’s not the thing you think twice about but as a very selfish, asocial introvert I don’t always “get” the reasonable way of thinking.
You see, it was a hot day of July. And I don’t mean oh thirty degrees hot, I mean more like the Sun is trying to kill us all and the water from the river we always sat next to is trying to protect us but failing miserably as it creates the steam we couldn’t breathe through while the trees are running away not being able to cool themselves down all while it’s thirty seven degrees Celsius outside.
So there we were, Aleksey and I trying not to have a heatstroke lying on the flaming rocks while sipping on something that used to be cold beer.
“This is disgusting.” he said, thinking about the beer.
“You’re disgusting, shut up and drink that.” we always had this thing where we would gently bully each other as a way of expressing love.
“Hey, Sara I need to tell you something.” he then kind of did this thing where he grabs his shirt trying to tie a knot. And I knew something was wrong because let me tell you, as long as I knew him, which was pretty much my whole life he always did the knot thing when he needed to tell me a secret. Like the time he crashed my bike, or when my dog died, or a few months back when he admitted he was gay and kind of into my older brother.
“I’ve got a letter from that physics academy abroad Ms. Andreyev told us about. They invited me to be a student at their faculty instead of going to... ”
…A town three hours away where we would live together while he studies physics and I psychology. He couldn’t say that. He was hurt as much as I was and it made the situation harder since he didn’t give himself right to be happy because he was too worried about me. I admit I am a pretty emotionally weak person, and I usually lose my mind over stuff like this and in that moment I gave my best not to yell “Don’t leave me alone you idiot, stay!” at that exact moment.
We’ve been through a lot. We’ve been through my mental issues and his parents kicking him out because he came out to them. From the first failed test to getting drunk so much that we weren’t able to get home, we’ve always been together. And a thought of that vanishing gave me such pain. Well pain, which eventually became anger. I didn’t even know who I was angry at; I just knew I was angry. More like, I was furious.
“I could make it as a scientist here. I mean it’s not bad as long I have my sidekick with me, right?” he smiled seeing my eyes broken, trying to make a joke. He wanted me to say “No” to his idea of staying so badly. I played along. I think so. I probably looked devastated but back then I felt like I was doing a pretty good job pretending I’m happy and not rethinking my whole life.
“I am not a sidekick, and you’re going.”
And indeed he’s gone. It’s been a year, sometime he calls but the time zone difference is too big. We’re still as close and I’m happy. He’s working on some big project on kinetic energy and he found a boy. I on the other hand blog about us every day, which fortunately he does not know about. And everything is great; well as good as it gets.
You see in conclusion that thing people always say “If you love someone, set it free” is really stupid. Don’t let go of someone you love, unless your connection is as strong as it gets. In that case, even ten thousand kilometers away they don’t ever leave, not quite.