I Didn't Realize-

I didn't realize what I did until I did it. 
I drew my own blood.
My snotty nose ran.
I don't feel pretty, or beautiful.
I'm disgusting. 
You call a girl sitting on the edge of her bed crying and doing- God it's to horrid to say.
You call that. That. Beautiful?
God please.
It's not.
It's sad.
It's disgusting. 
Perhaps not repulsive, but it makes you feel a way in the pit of your gut. 
A special, unforgivable way that only happens when you see it. When you do it. 


I didn't realize what I did until I did it.
I just crossed a line I could ever return.
I wanted to try anything once,
be daring and exciting,
loosen up,
chill out,
I felt so called out by every one and their mother for being so "stiff" and "plain" and "boring"
I was scared of missing out on something in my youth.
But I missed out on nothing, because how I felt after wasn't worth it.


I didn't realize what I had done until I did it.
I was a big secret.
No lies involved, just scared.
Scared of rejection,
Scared of disappointment. 
I wanted to improve, but how could I if I had no one to rely on?
What if I trusted the wrong person and they rejected me? Betrayed me?

I didn't realize what I had done until I did it.
I broke.