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Wbrown2017

United States

Allison Claire's Journal

February 16, 2016


8/14/15, 10:00pm -
 
I gasped desperately for air as the panic set it. My lungs felt as if they were being crushed. It was like I was drowning in air, like my lungs were incapable of working. I was still dizzy from the alcohol as I stumbled out of the house knocking over a chair on my way out. Once outside I ran as fast I could trying to get away from the hurt I was feeling. I wanted desperately to forget what I saw, but there was no escape. Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, I was like an open wound and the gash was too big to close. I felt like I was slowly bleeding out but would never die. All these emotions and feeling came rushing in as I tried desperately to make sense of what I just witnessed.
            I had just caught my best friend making out with the guy I have been in love with since the 4th grade. The one person I was supposed to be able to trust with my life, but yet there she was all over Aiden and he was all over her. When I first walked in on them my body couldn’t process what I was seeing. I just froze and couldn’t move it was like I forgotten how. Then it all hit me and it was like no other pain I had felt before. It was soul crushing and heart breaking. You could see why at this point I was desperately hoping what I saw wasn’t real, that I was just seeing things. But in all honesty I knew it was true. That what I saw wasn’t just my imagination and that all the trust and love that I had for my best friend was truly gone. She has hurt me far worse than any boy ever could.
 
           
10/14/15, 4:00pm -           
 
It’s been two months since that accident and I yet the pain hasn’t stopped. I feel like I have no one and nothing to hold onto. I want desperately to fix things with Sydney because she was my best friend and I feel like its almost impossible to live without her but lately its as if she has changed. She isn’t the same Sydney that I knew, it’s like a switch flipped inside her brain. She has found new friends, more like groupies, and they follow her around everywhere. They help her torture me with snide comments like “fat bitch” or “do the world a favor ad jump off a bridge.” That wasn’t even the worst of it. Sydney flaunts Aiden in front of me daily and every time I see them together its like another piece of my heart falls apart from the rest. A piece of my soul I am unable to retrieve and every time a piece falls I lose more of myself. The more I feel like I’m living in a world all my own, fighting with my inner demons and slowly losing the battle.
 
10/14/15, 9:00pm-
 
I lay tired in my bed. I was always tired, tired of continually fighting these thoughts that made me feel like my own existence wasn’t but a burden on the people around me. The thoughts that made me feel as if nothing mattered because I was never going to get anywhere anyway. I just wanted the thoughts to go away. They made me feel so empty inside and all I wanted to do was be the same Allison I was 2 months ago before I caught my best friend with the guy I liked. I couldn’t take the thoughts anymore so I got up out of my bed grabbed my favorite grey coat and walked out the front door.
            The night air was cool as it blew across my face stinging my cheeks. It was mid October and the air had the sent of fallen leaves and oak trees but there was something else. A scent that reminded me of bonfires and campout but that’s strange. No one has fires in town it’s a hazard. Then I saw it. The billowing smoke in the night sky right over the area where Sydney’s house has sat for years. I quickly picked up my pace until the panic set in and I found myself sprinting. The cold air stung my lungs but I kept going until it was in full view. I stopped abruptly as I took in the sight in front of me. The house was completely engulfed in flames. Outside where fire trucks, police cars and an ambulance. I could see Sydney’s parents hugging each other with tears falling down their cheeks but where was my best friend. My brain started jumping to all kinds of conclusions and I knew in that moment that I had to find her. I ran pushing through the crowd of people outside the burning house searching frantically for my best friend. Until I saw her, her body was laid out on a stretcher. Her skin charred and burned, she wasn’t moving. She just lay there limp and lifeless. I watched emotionlessly as they pulled a white blanket over her body, covering her face. I was still trying to figure out how I felt about this and how I should of reacted to seeing her like that when they pulled away in the ambulance but I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to, trust me, I desperately wanted to feel like it hurt when she was gone but all I can remember from that moment were one string of words running through my head on repeat the words that still repeat in mind every time I think of the accident. If you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. Maybe these words where true from Sydney, maybe because of the things she did and the mistakes she made karma finally fought back and she felt the same burning hate physically as she made me feel emotionally. 

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