Peer Review by AbigailSauble (United States)

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Bleed

By: Doktor Habit


FREE WRITING

    
fandom-related content: detroit: become human
contains spoilers: YES
tw: (android) death, flynn writes scenes he cries at in story form, "androids can't feel pain" (x) doubt, flynn can't write pain
note - i don't ship conhank!! i see em as like..father n son. that being said please don't drop anything like that here
~~~~~~~~~~~

    The world was spinning. It took Connor a few moments to reorient himself.
    Pain. Pain was the first thing he felt. Terrible, shooting pain--burning, roaring agony--a horrible sensation that tore him apart from the inside out. He remembered claiming androids couldn't feel pain. He also remembered that was a fucking bold-faced LIE. Reality itself was slowed down. His vision cleared--he saw the deviant, fleeing the room. Another bullet of pain struck him in the head. His wounds were..unfortunate, to say the least. His right hand was impaled by a knife that was stuck into a table as a temporary distraction to hold him in place. This wasn't as worrying as the torn out thirium pump regulator. Torn out pump regulator. Torn..out..
    A terrifying realization struck Connor; If he didn't act fast, he was going to die. A feeble, silent wail erupted out of the android. He was dying, and he knew it. He had less than a minute to save himself. A new feeling crashed over him like an ocean wave--he didn't understand. Was this fear? Was this 'adrenaline?' Was this...was this the feeling of not wanting to die? He wasn't meant to feel how he did. Something must be wrong with him. Help. He needed help. Helphelphelphelp. What is help? A hand reaching out from the dark to pull him from the abyss. A creature willing to lift him when he's down. Someone. Help is a person. Who is help? Who COULD help? Who? WhoWhoWhoWhoWho? One person he knew--one person, he was here, just in the other room--if he could just--
    "HANK..!--" The name tore from his throat like an animal tearing its way from a cage. His voice--not loud enough. Not enough. It cracked under the pain, it was strained and painful, it was falling apart at the seams. The wounded machine forced more words from its bloodied, trembling mouth.
    "Hank..!! I..I NEED HELP!" Nothing. Only the call of the void, tugging and clawing and screaming out for Connor to fall into it. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. The time until his shutdown seemed like it couldn't move any faster. In desperation, he tried to kick a chair, wincing as his hand pulled against the blade holding it onto the table. The chair clattered across the floor and hit a wall. Still nothing. Okay, help wasn't coming. It's fine. That's fine. He'd live. He'd live. He'd live. HE WAS ALIVE.
    Alive. Alive, alive, alive, alivealivealivealivealivealive. No..No, he wasn't a deviant. He wasn't going to cling to that mindset. Untrue, all untrue. Without wasting a second more, he used what strength he had to rip the knife from his hand. He lurched forward. Cold floor. Cold, hard floor. Cold as human death. Death. Cold. It was as if he couldn't move for a moment. What if he just accepted it? What if he allowed himself to fall...? What if he allowed the coldness to embrace him, and he allowed it to all fade off?
    No.
    NO!
    NO! 
    
0:45.
    Connor propped himself up with his elbows. He forced an arm forward--again, again, again. Thirium blood formed a trail where his body dragged across the floor. Almost there.
    0:40.
    His vision spun and glitched. His hearing was starting to become distorted. Almost there.
    0:35.
    Weak. He was weak. His right hand faltered constantly, splattering more blueblood onto the floor. The pain was like a jarring bolt of electricity shot directly into his brain, like a cleaver was being hammered into his eyes at full force, like a sword was being jammed directly through his arm from the palm.
    0:30.
    Was time passing by faster? He could no longer tell.
    0:25.
    Almost. There. He tried once more to cry out.
    "hhhkk...HANK..!! I NEED HELP..!!"
    This time, the cry for help was offered an answer. Connor would smile at Hank entering the room if he wasn't in the pain he was in. He continued trying to drag himself across the floor. Hank was..speaking, he believed. He couldn't understand a word that came out of the other's mouth. The android felt himself get turned over and pulled towards Hank, who he assumed was now kneeled down on the floor. He could only make out his name being called.
    "D...Deviant..there was..a deviant.."
    0:15.
    Connor looked upwards. His vision was blurring and glitching, but he could see Hank's face. He couldn't hear the other, but he could try to read his lips.
    'We're going to save you. It's okay.' Hank spoke with an urgency. He was panicking, shouting, constantly turning his head towards the door.
    0:10.
    The wounded android jolted slightly. Pain. Hank took his good hand and squeezed it gently. Connor looked up at the Lieutenant, half-conscious, eyes half-lidded, half-alive. He could tell Hank about the pump regulator, but he...chose not to. He didn't know why. Maybe it was the knowledge he'd be brought back.
    0:05.
    "H..Hank.."
    0:04.
    "Will I..."
    0:03.
    'Will you what, son?'
    0:02.
    "Will I...dream..?"
    0:01.
    'I don't know.'
    0:00.
    Connor allowed his eyes to flutter shut. The LED in his head faded to gray. His body froze.
    Game over.


Message to Readers

i'll get back to working on chap 5 of ace of spades soon for now y'all gotta deal with my dbh shenanigans


Peer Review

It was incredibly 'drawing in'. Sometimes it's hard to build up the suspense, but you did it very well! With the count-down you have in the last half, it gets more intense, like a boulder rolling downhill, it picked up more speed as you went. Then the ending ... kick to the gut. In a way I'm sad, but I'm also glad that Connor knew that someone cared about him. Even though they couldn't save him, they tried, they wanted to, and that counts for something.


I'd love to know more about Connor, and how he got hurt. I love how you begin the piece: with a terrific starter sentence that catch's the reader's eye.


Reviewer Comments

Really well-written! I haven't read this kind of fast-moving story for awhile, so very good!
God bless!