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Antiochian Orthodox Christian
Music major
Former homeschooler
Voice teacher
The world, the flesh, and father smith

Message to Readers

This is satirical, so it's suppose to be sarcastic and a little exaggerated.....but what can I say? I'm Italian :)

My Big Fat Italian Family

December 10, 2018


Dear John Wiley,
    As you are preparing to enter into the beautiful bond of marriage with my sister, I feel it is my duty to remind you that you are also entering into a beautiful bond called my “big-fat-sixty-membered-Italian-family.” So out of the kindness of my dry blunt heart, I would like to give you some pointers to get you started. You’ll find that many of the Italian stereotypes are actually true. Firstly, you should know that the only thing my family loves more than food is each other (bear that in mind each time you and Olivia are tempted to bicker). At the first cousin wedding, Bella, Susanna, and Emily, all 11 at the time, sang “Daddy’s Got a Shotgun” to our newest member, John, as he sat with his bride. We may have calmed down a bit since then, but Italian family fidelity is an all too real thing. As I go on, keep in mind that I don’t mean to scare you—well, maybe a little—but instead, I want you to understand the patience, humility, and forgiveness you can learn from family.
    I advise you don’t tell any of us your secrets; as we live within fifty-yards of each other, it will only take about a week for it to reach each house. If you decide to settle on the property—more commonly known as the hundred-acre-woods—make sure you review the expectations which include but are not limited to waking up at six-am to herd Pappy’s cows off the highway, driving around the property at eleven-pm to find Kelly, the bear, who tore off the dumpster door again, and caring for our eight cats and four dogs while we’re on vacation. At least be thankful we don’t have four pigs, twenty chickens, one-hundred chicks, ten goats, and five cows anymore, but who knows, my father is fairly impulsive when it comes to being able to make his own goat cheese. You might want to refresh yourself on the family tree before holidays as well as be warmed up for improvisational singing—oh, did I not mention you’re expected to sing? And don’t worry about arriving at the scheduled two-o’clock time; if we’re lucky enough to get everyone there by two-forty, the eating will probably start around three. As a side note, here is a word of caution regarding family gatherings: we have dramatic personalities, booming voices, and animated expressions, which you probably find amusing and maybe even a little enjoyable. But put sixty of us in a room and the result edges closer to chaos—a cow is hardly intimidating until it rushes at you in its herd.

    When around Pappy, eliminate politics from your vocabulary. In the unfortunate but very likely event that he mentions politics, smile and nod. Also, make sure you set aside time to visit Pappy and Mimi—I advise you give yourself three hours or so. The only subject we will not make fun of is Jesus, so work on that skin of yours. I don’t recommend singing or humming unless you mean to start a chorus. Don’t challenge Daniel or Bella to an arm wrestle: you will lose. We laugh at everything everyone says out of politeness; you’re not that funny.

    I’m sure you’ve heard the story of my other sister’s engagement to Jacob. It was New Years Eve and all of us cousins were at our annual New Year’s Eve party listening to my cousins’ band. My sister, Bella, didn’t get a chance to tell Emily, one of my cousins who has been her best friend since childhood. Unfortunately, Emily’s skin is as thin as paper. As the band was transitioning into another song, Jacob took the opportunity to jump on stage and announce their engagement. Emily was of course on stage as the lead singer. As she heard the words emerge from Jacob’s lips, she froze in shock before running off the stage in tears. She and Bella then spent a solid twenty-minutes arguing. Hearing about her best friend’s engagement with the rest of us was an unthinkable notion for Emily. For Bella, it was nonpreferable. For the rest of us, it was simply trivial. Everyone has an expectation of everyone else, especially in a big family, and—how can I say this sensitively—you’re going to disappoint them. But in this family, holding grudges is a childish waste of time. Emily and Bella have a perfectly healthy relationship despite their differences just like the rest of us. The hard truth about life is that we’re surrounded by idiots who make mistakes. Sometimes you’re stuck with those idiots i.e. your family, and there will always be something else to get upset about. But you have to learn to buck up and let it go, because I can promise you, no matter how angry or upset you feel, no matter how offensive a situation may seem, your pride is not worth more than the selfless, unconditional love that family can teach you.  


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  • December 10, 2018 - 4:47pm (Now Viewing)

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1 Comment
  • f l o r a

    yes, Italian pride..I can say that this is pretty true.

    7 months ago