I tell myself I will fail so later down line it doesn't hurt as bad.
But that’s a lie. It still hurts, the fear of not being good or failing.
It still creeps into my mind when it's dark in my room.
So it's a lie, a lie that I tell myself over and over.
"It's okay if I can't do it. It's okay if I fail."
But I still hold my breath when I get a low score. I still feel anger hissing in my ear when I don't do well.
So I lie to myself, tell myself it's okay if I'm not the best.
I tell myself it's okay to not be good enough for them, for anyone, because no one's opinion matters more than my own.
But that's the thing, my opinion tells me I'm never going to be good enough, for myself or for anyone. That I don't deserve the affection and love if I can't push harder, be better.
And that's all I want, is to just be better.
They say if you lie to yourself enough, you'll eventually believe it.
I'm still waiting for a night where I don't stare into the darkness, hoping for it to swallow me whole.
i have absolutely no clue what this is, but enjoy?