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Jeremy Houle

United States

There is no better way to improve yourself than braving your storms.
Hi, my name is Jeremy, an aspiring hero of your heart.

World traveler.

Message to Readers

I decided to try a new writing style, so please tear it up with honest reviews! lol and of course if you liked it you can leave a comment. :)

What They Want Is To Lack

February 3, 2016

FREE WRITING

1
There comes a time in almost everyone's life when all they want is nothing. What they want is to lack.

What is it, exactly, that they want to lack? It has been used to make soy sauce(1), it can be donated, it can be sold, NASA has considered using it to clean up oil spills(2), and it has been used for art and banner making.(3)

Still don't know what it is? Well, here are some easier hints:
Every mammal has it,
Gandalf has a lot of it,
and millions of people shave it off every morning.

Now you know what it is: hair. Hair, hair! That embarrassing moment when you remember you didn't shave your legs all weekend and now it's Monday and you're wearing a skirt. Oh the pain when you realize that you forget to shave underneath your chin.

Fortunately for humans worldwide, I have discovered an absolutely free way to ensure you get every last hair off your whole body. Every. Single. Hair. No more missed areas, no more embarrassment. No more oops-the-laser-people-missed-that-spot-and-now-I-look-like-I-have-some-serious-problems.

Here is what you will need:
transportation,
a way to press buttons(your fingers will work)
an average sized brain(the one in your head will work- just leave it in there)
and an incredible amount of bravery. Or foolishness. Either one will work.

Now before I get to the solution, I think you may be interested in learning how I came across such an important discovery. It is a true tale of fear, sweat, and hair-raising adventure.

THE DAY OF THE DISCOVERY, 6 AM
I woke up early today because its a Friday, and I work on Friday. I skipped breakfast, jumped in the car, and went to work. I work in New Albany, Indiana. The year is 2016. I walked in the door on time, as usual, and there sat doughnuts on the workbench. Yay! Today I will get to eat breakfast.

THE MORNING OF THE DISCOVERY, 10 AM
I was working a normal day, 7:30 to 5:00 pm, and I had just re-imaged a dell laptop. Success. I turned to go organize computer cables until my boss gave me a more specific assignment.  
But there would be no cable organizing today. I had a productive day ahead of me, and my boss wasted no time giving me my next task.
"Jeremy, do you see these 8 foot cubicle dividers that are 4 and a half feet wide? Yeah those ones that look like they're about 50 pounds? Take those and go put them in the basement. Grab one and follow me. I'll show you where they go, and then you can do the rest."

So I grabbed one and followed him to the elevator. It opened and he stepped inside while I maneuvered the giant thing inside. I pressed "B". 

Approximately 28 seconds later, we felt the elevator reach the bottom.

THE DISCOVERY, 10:23 AM.
And we waited for approximately 9 seconds longer. The door didn't open. My boss said, "Oh, sometimes you have to push the button." Now which button, exactly? It made logical sense to push the open door button, so I look for the one that looked like " <|> " and pushed it.
The door slid open.
About 4 and a half feet in front of my lay a cinder block wall that went to my right. The 40 foot hallway had 3 bare light bulbs pretending to illuminate the entire thing. I figured the place must have a really low budget, because these guys were really bad actors. It was dark.

Now the first hint I had was the fact that the door had to manually opened. I don't know what that spells to you, but to me is spells sketchy. 

Anyway, I continued down the hall and glanced to my right through dark doorways to barely make out the limp forms of hundreds of clothes hangars under white sheets. 
So this is where the consignment store in the office beside ours hides the bodies.
I kept walking to the end of the hallway with my boss in the lead. As long as he was there, everything would be all right.
At the end of the hall, we went through a doorway to our left. This room was about 20 feet wide and went an unknown number of distance to the left or right. I couldn't be sure because both sides ended in inky blackness that was so black I thought it might just stain me if I ventured into it. I looked up at this ceiling. Creepy. Pipes, pipes, and more pipes all over. I couldn't see the actual ceiling. There was a super creepy vault to my left with locks,  levers and probably booby traps from a now extinct culture from somewhere else.
 Even my boss seemed to step more carefully now. We went forward to a large doorway across the large room. As I crossed the threshold, it felt like the perfect place for a dark lord to address his evil minions, because to access the floor below I had to walk down an 8 foot foolishly thin piece of plywood. I'm sure if I had a blacklight, I would have seen S-K-E-T-C-Y written all over.
After walking down to perilous ramp to the cavernous room below, I was immediately and simultaneously choked and punched by the smell. Pizza. And grime. And children. 
If I could see the spiritual realm, I might have seen a demon Chucky Cheese's. Or maybe this used to be a Chucky Cheese millennia ago and something terrible happened here. 
Darkness was now dripping from the ceiling. The only illumination was from a single bare bulb directly above me. My boss turned and whispered, "Down there you will find a pile of cubicle dividers like the one you are holding. Just put it on the pile."

Then my boss turned and walked away. I could hear his steps grow fainter and fainter until they stopped and the elevator binged a quiet and fearful tone. The doors shut meekly and took my boss to a higher place. 

I was now alone. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't leave for at least a minute, because the elevator was upstairs. And anything could happen in 60 seconds.The darkness crept in further. The floor was made of purple and tan tiles that were 2 foot squares. And the smell. That was the worst part about it. There was a fridge. a couch. A 10 foot tv from decades ago. and clothes. Everywhere.

I turned to walk into the ocean of darkness. So this is what it feels like to die. 
I walked into the darkness. further. further. A motion activated toy rabbit with tortured motors rolled into my foot as I walked past it. I yelled in surprise. And I rarely ever yell. I am the only person I know who does't ever scream, no matter how bad the scare is, and I've only jumped a small handful of times. I could make out a tiny bit of light through a door to my left, and I turned to see what was inside.
And as I fully completed my turn, I screamed. 

Now it wasn't out loud, it was my body. My blood was screaming- the pressure in my head was almost unbearable. I couldn't hear anything, like when you stand up really fast from sitting. There were thirty life-like, human colored, human shaped, fashionable mannequins all staring at me in prom dresses.
It scared me. Really bad. They were so lifelike in the sun-has-already-gone-down-and-you're-an-idiot-to-be-in-such-a-dark-place blackness. I leaned against the cubicle divider I was carrying- I was so weak. Probably my blood was only 66% blood at the moment due to all the adrenaline in my body.
I saw to my left the pile of cubicle dividers. I walked over and put mine on it. Only three more to go.
As I tried to walk quickly and inconspicuously out of there, I suddenly regained my sense of touch, and i felt hundreds of needles pricking me everywhere all at once. My back, my neck, my head, my chest, my legs, my arms- even my hands. Every single hair on my entire body was sticking straight up.



And that was my discovery. If you shaved down there, you would never miss a single hair. just take a brisk walk into the basement of my work every morning as a quick check to make sure everywhere got shaved. Brilliant, huh?














DISCLAIMER: This is a mostly true story. There wasn't a toy rabbit, and there were only about 15 mannequins. Apparently the consignment shop stores all their stuff down there. But everything else was real.
I bought pepper spray the next day.
(1) http://boingboing.net/2004/05/26/chinese-company-make.html

(2) National Aeronautics And Space Administration. "NASA Tests Hair-Raising Technique To Clean Up Oil Spills." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 24 April 1998. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/04/980424032349.htm>.

(3)http://www.nbcnews.com/id/20322700/#.VrJHpvkrJhE

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