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Caitlan McLerran

United States

My December

December 6, 2018

December
The end of a treacherous climb
The key to our paramount change,
The gas to my car of a new year,
My cold, boney fingers grasping the wheel of hope,
Guiding me, though I swerve
I crash, tumble, and roll,
My hands white from the force of my grip,
Though it was never enough
I rely on this car far too much, to take me where I need to go,
Treating the end of the year as a potion that will heal my pain,
Though I am the one with the power,
My own sweat and tears are the fuel - not the time of year,
Or the cold breeze on my rosy cheeks,
It’s the fire of my own determination,
Not the fire or the aroma of fresh burning wood,
It’s the frost of my pain that will drive me to change,
Not the frost on my dusty car window,
I rely so heavily on a reality we created,
That a new year means new people, better relationships, and more time,
Though the clock never stops ticking,
My heart hasn’t stopped beating,
And the universe will not pledge its devotion to me due to a change in temperature or a change in music the radio plays,
I am fully capable of creating change and driving my future whenever I please,
For time in all its glory doesn’t guarantee my change, I do.
December
Another month, another opportunity for clarity, just like any other month 
The year comes to a close, a finale where we have the ability to appreciate those we love,
Forgive those who hurt us,
And move on, though growth never ends
The first day of the new year will no longer symbolize immediate change or the instantaneous need to produce a change,
We drive ourselves wild with the thoughts of promises and aspirations that we won’t stick to,
And it causes us to start the year off with a bad foot,
A knife in our heart that we must spend the rest of the year slowly, agonizingly pulling out.
My December is now full of love, acceptance, appreciation,
And ignoring society’s resolutions so I can be joyous and content,
And tell myself that I am who I am, that I did what I did but I am here,
Completely and authentically me,
And I don’t need to lose weight, stop a bad habit, eat less or eat more just because the rest of the world is telling me to,
Not changing when prompted with the start of a new year doesn’t mean I’m incapable of change,
It means I will not change because society tells me I should, 
It doesn’t symbolize my failure, or prove my mistakes,
It shows happiness, comfort, and acceptance. 
My December
Doesn’t signify that I must change,
It doesn’t suggest that I ought to reflect on my bad qualities and change them,
To me it is surrounding myself with the ones I love,
It’s loving and appreciating the life I have been given and understanding that change doesn’t always have to happen to bring happiness,
That sometimes, happiness has to come from within. 

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