Despite my greatest efforts I have not been able to renew myself.
I've simply had good months, and bad ones.
Black and white.
I've tried again and again to rush myself into happiness and healthiness without dealing with the forefront pains.
Shoving my trauma into the back of my mind.
Fear hiding behind the door.
Slice and dicing and inhaling all my pain,
Abusing myself to make it all go away.
That's the only way, I tell myself.
What a lie.
If I would just accept the truth.
Into who I know will make it all better.
Who will make me happy.
Then I would be okay.
Yet rebellion and bad judgement plague me.
Dear God, speak to me.
I drown inside my mind.
The pools of my own blood fill the room, making it hard to keep my head a float.
I'm a twisted and foul, or divine?
I'm a truly good with missteps along the way,
or terribly deranged?
Mistake after mistake cause me to worry over and over.
God forgive me.