Write the World ?


Peer Review by Crescent (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


My December

By: Opal Drop


PROMPT: My December Writing Competition 2018

    December. When you say it, you can feel the chill run through you. I don't celebrate Christmas, but December brings something to me still. The cold wind that shivers every now and then, pushing into you. Your breath that forms a small cloud in front of your face. To me, that is December. 
    When I think December, I see snowcapped mountains, and iced grass with frozen dew drops, suspended on a single blade of green. The trees are barren, but still there are leaves strewn on the ground. Everyone is cuddled in a warm jacket, some with earmuffs to protect the human body's delicate ears. The little snow spread over a wide area melts to the touch.
    Every pore shivers with the intense cold. I love it! That's my December. My dream December. It's happened once. But once is more than enough for me. That dream is a rare occurrence where I live. It happened last year, the December of 2017. And I was simply ecstatic. Now again this year, I am too greedy to hope for it again. But still, I am happy with what I have.
    With December approaching, lovely, lovely December approaching, the winds chill. Crisp as the autumn leaf, the breezes are not breezes anymore. They are harsh winds, that have mercy every now and then. You can hear the Polar Express theme playing when you step out even just onto your porch. That beautiful melody that plays when you feel the strong wind blowing your hair back, maybe even blowing you back. That is the true wonder of December. 
   
    
    1 month of caressing wind. 
    

    31 days of joyful breezes. 
   

    744 hours of huddling for warmth.
   

    44640 minutes of dimmed skies.
   

    2678400 seconds of happiness.

    December is truly wonderful isn't it? I suppose that winter, how much ever that cold exterior lashes at you, it actually is the most beautiful thing. The cold raindrops that freeze before they can seek sanctuary on the ground. The beauty of December that doesn't hesitate to express itself to the entire Northern Hemisphere. I suppose the June of the Southern Hemisphere is like this. But December, delightful December, is truly sublime. Glorious! 
    

    

Message to Readers

I don't celebrate Christmas, and my goal is not to offend anyone with this piece. I just want to express how I feel about December.


Peer Review

I most enjoyed the counting done in the latter half of the piece. It certainly illustrates the extent to which the author likes December—down to each second. I believe that the description that followed each number could be expanded with imagery to be more endearing.

December is the taste of wind as it tousles your hair and bites your tongue with its own merry breath.

I think the set up could be done better. While you list some casual descriptions of the mountains and dew and wind, it wasn't enough, and it wasn't unique. Many of what you've written describes what December is to you, but why is it unique to just you? This is where detailed, precise description comes in handy.

What sorts of trees are there? What are the people in your community like during the winter? What are some activities that you do in December—because of the snow or the atmosphere? What is an interesting thing that has happened to you in December? WHY does your December matter to you?
I.e. I hate the freezing cold and ice and snow, so describing those things in your piece doesn't make me feel at home. Instead, describe your traditions (religious or not) and feelings and family and fun. Describe your unique experiences that make me relate and connect. Make your readers feel at home, or at least, make them see YOUR home.

I wished their were more people involved. We don't need any action scenes or dialogue, but I wish references to other people existed. Did anyone make your December very happy or festive? Who were they, and why did they do it? I feel like including more experiences would've created a more satisfying ending.

I gave you a lot of criticism, but I do appreciate your story and writing as a reader and as a writer. You have good storytelling skills, and if you improved on craft (better descriptions, better sentence flow), you'll be able to forge stellar pieces in the future.

Keep doing what you're doing, and don't give up. I like spending my time editing for other people because I know that they want to improve, and they want feedback. :)

Reviewer Comments

Note: There is a place that is double highlighted. The color is darker there. I also highlight commas sometimes, so those highlights may be hard to see.