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Colette Nourie

There Was Something Different About This Year

February 8, 2015

I've always wondered when the time will come that I will no longer feel like a child. Of course being a junior in high school I am not a child I am 17 years old. I still act like a child, more than I should it seems. But there was something different about this year, because this past year my innocence was taken away from me.

 

I saw my brother fall in love with a beautiful girl. I saw my best friend fall in love only to get her heartbroken. I myself got my heart smashed in two. 

Learning that the human heart is so delicate and fragile, and when tempered with the wrong way can mentally and physically destroy a person.

 

I got drunk for the first time and wondered how my dad got drunk every night for 10 years. I smoked a joint and fell in love with an escape from reality. I guess drinking was his escape.

 

 I made new friends and finally realized that true friends don't judge you for who you are. So I stuck with those people. Then I spent two weeks in a big city with strangers and left with three new friends a whom i love dearly. 

 

I learned that time passes faster that I thought. When people say the years in high school fly by, I now could relate. It only feels like yesterday that I was walking down the cluttered hallway as a freshman with sweaty palms and a bad haircut. 

 

I started playing my guitar again and realized not only what I wanted to do with my life, but what I wanted to do with my like that makes me happy. Shorty after that realization, I was invited to multiple college fairs, college tours, college everythings. My anxiety  crept up behind me and now I'm not so sure. 

 

So this loss of innocence, made me feel older. Everytime I have new experience I think of Scout Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird losing her innocence. Scout is exposed to Tom Robinson's court case and recognizes racism as a part of society. Also getting attacked by Bob Ewell makes her lose the perception that all adults are good people who never hurt children.

 

Of course this is not true. Because 70 years racism still exists it politics and in social classes. There are parents who abuse their own children verbally or physically. I lost my innocence too.

 

I learned that my father had been a alcoholic for more than half of my life. First I was confused because I felt betrayed. Then I felt angry because he didn't care about his family anymore, he only cared for his booze. But only a few months ago did I come to terms with the situation, realizing that I will never trust or love him again, maybe anyone ever again. 

 

Where does last year put me in terms of my maturity in the scheme of life. Honestly, do most or all teenagers feel this way or experience these sometimes horrible things? 

 

I find it curious that even though I have been through a lot in 2014, even in the first two mins of 2015 I have made the same mistakes again. Why do I not process these faults and remember not to do them again?

Why do I still trust the wrong people? Why do I think that my personality will get me into college when there are thousands of other people just like me? Why do I think my dad will never change? Why do I feel so separated from my brother when all I have to do is pick up the phone?

 

I have so much control over my life and I don't appreciate that, I don't realize it. I could jump out my window, I could all my hair off one side of my head, I could kiss that cute boy im my gym class, I could stop talking to the people who make me feel worthless. But I still do the opposite of all these things.

My window stays shut. My hair reaches all the way to the small of my back. I can't even muster a word to that boy. I still talk to the people who are mean to me because I fell guilty if I don't.

I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I wasn't so concerned with making sure other people are happy, because at the end of the day I'm sad and I'm alone. 

This year I want to change that. 

 

 

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