Peer Review by engi_aek (France)

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all i wish for is snow

By: Onion3102


FREE WRITING

Sipping sweet lukewarm cocoa,
the three mini marshmallows drown in the sweet milk.
Knitted sweaters too big for me,
the marmalade coloured wool form holes big enough for my thumb.
Colourful light bulbs dangle from the eaves,
staring at that one red bulb flickering occasionally. 
A raspy voice humming lullabies,
sweetly out of tune.
All I wish for is snow. 

 


Message to Readers

Forecasting temperatures of around 48 degrees Celcius (118.4 Fahrenheit) for Christmas down under. yike


Peer Review

I loved the form of this poem, it really drew me in. I love when poems are written in this form, with two lines that are one and end with a period, and it continues on this way. It really draws me into each line and focuses an intensity on that statement, but also provides a great cohesion and unity for the whole piece. I was delighted by all the warm details full of imagery and adjectives that lead to the final statement, that really wraps up what this piece brings to mind while reading it, at the back of your mind.


I would have asked for a little extra on the weather that the speaker in the piece sees outside, or feels! You included your weather, so I am given more of an insight, but it could also possibly be added somewhere. The piece is almost perfect now, though, so...


Reviewer Comments

The only thing I have to comment on, is the tense. Although it's not a huge deal, if you revise this piece, you might want to check for that (although the flow is good now). Like, sipping, staring, and humming are all the same tense, but different from drown, form/s, dangle which are all uniform to each other. I think that maybe the staring line could be kept, as it seems difficult to changing, and it also has a different ethereal tone to it...
Really, this piece is wonderful, full of great descriptions, moments that I could feel and see as a reader, and the ending, which really drew me in and kept me thinking of it!

P.S. I wish for snow too!!!!! 48 degrees is insane, good luck!