Just a thought...

United States

~Senior

~She/Her

~Words are like blankets. I just want to be wrapped in them forever.

~ My drama teacher called me a chapstick lesbian. She really gets me.

~ I'm not uncomfortable but I feel so uncomfortable"
Wallows

Message to Readers

I hope this is good.

I'm sorry that I'm gay

November 18, 2018

FREE WRITING

12
I say this phrase a lot
To myself mostly, 
But occasionally to others as well. 

I've known that I liked girls my entire life. 
I just didn't realize that I liked them "that way" until middle school. 
I spent years hoping that I was maybe bi or just straight...
I wasn't. 

I didn't realize until I was in high school that I was a lesbian. 
I still have to remind myself that it's okay. 
I get so hopeful that maybe I'm straight or bi but I know that I'm not. 
And for some reason, I'm sorry for that

I sometimes wish I could change the fact that I like girls. 
It makes things harder for me. 

I used to cry every night.
I used to ask God to fix me. 
I used to think that there was something wrong with me. 
I still hope that maybe it's just a phase. 
I worry that I'll get assaulted. 
I constantly get weird looks, 
People still act like it's catching. 
So why do people think that this is a choice?

I feel like I have to justify giving compliments to my friends by saying things like
"no homo"
"not like that though"
"but like in the straight way"
"but like, platonically"

Why do I have to make these comments?
Why do I feel sorry for being myself?
Why do people hate me just for who I love?
Why would anyone think that this is a choice?
Are all questions I ask myself constantly. 

I just wish it wasn't assumed that everyone was straight. 
I just wish I could love myself for who I am. 
I wish internalized homophobia wasn't a thing. 
I wish I could stop feeling bad for being gay. 

But until I can...
I'm sorry that I'm gay. 
 
I don't know why I wrote this. There will be more to this though. I plan on writing about these three questions. 
  1. Why do I feel sorry for being myself?
  2. Why do people hate me just for who I love?
  3. Why would anyone think that this is a choice?

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  • November 18, 2018 - 12:10am (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • Calling4Rain

    I relate to this poem on a deep level, I hope you can overcome that emotional block and love yourself. It's sad that people judge others on who they choose to love.
    I also understand what you mean about justifying giving compliments to you friends by saying things like "no homo", It's frustrating.


    over 1 year ago
  • Aussie23

    It's not wrong being gay!! I know you know that but I'm just reminding you. You seem great!


    almost 2 years ago
  • fatpanda

    Well, all I can say is I hope you start to love yourself the way you are. :)


    almost 2 years ago