Peer Review by The Dreamer (South Africa)()

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NICOLE

By: Lopiekins


PROMPT: Turned to Stone

                Walking through this house is torture. The social worker is waiting outside, talking with the police; even she didn't want to come into this nightmare. Nothing has been cleaned since that night. They've moved the bodies, but that offers little comfort. I will still have to identify them later this week. I finger the lace curtains my mother sewed to cover the windows, trying to avoid looking at the rest of the room. The curtains are free from bloody stains and gunpowder. I've been told not to touch or move anything, but the stench is threatening to make me sick. I pull back the beautiful curtains and crack open the window, breathing in the fresh air. I catch my breath then walk across the living room carefully, not wanting to step in the sticky patches of blood that haven't quite dried yet. The sight of Mother's creamy white carpet, marred by bloody streaks is making the nausea worse. I run to the staircase and fly up the stairs to my bedroom. I find my door wide open. Why is my for open? I definitely remember closing it before I left last night. I walk up to my desk, where my laptop is sitting, open to a brand new document. I'm puzzled by this; I've never used the writing program on my laptop. I slide into my desk chair and begin to read. With every word my stomach cramps harder and the screams in my brain are amplified. It's a note from my parents' murderer.
    HELLO, NICOLE. DO YOU LIKE THE REDECORATING IVE DONE IN THE LIVING ROOM? I THINK THE CRIMSON COLOR REALLY ADDS CHARACTER. I DO HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MY DEAR. IF ONLY YOU WOULD HAVE AGREED TO MY REQUEST. BUT ALAS, WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST. THERE IS ONLY HOPE FOR THE FUTURE. YOU ARE A SMART GIRL, NICOLE. DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS LETTER, NOR ABOUT OUR LITTLE DISAGREEMENT. IF YOU SHOULD HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY WITH THAT, I ASSURE YOU THAT I CAN EASILY DISPOSE OF ANOTHER ONE DEAR TO YOU. PERHAPS WE COULD START WITH YOUR HANDSOME LOVER? MEET ME AT SIX O CLOCK IN THE PARK TOMORROW. COME ALONE. OH, AND GIVE HANDSOME CHRISTIAN MY BEST. 


Message to Readers

Working really hard on characters, transition, and consistency. I need your help!!


Peer Review

Its about a girl, whose parents have just been murdered, when she finds a letter: from yhe murderer to her.


The description. It builds up tension.


"With every word my stomach cramps harder and the screams in my brain are amplified." This lets me see into the character's mind and learn how she feels about this whole ordeal. It builds a better connection and understanding of the character.


It is a depressing tone. It made me feel upset, sad and depressed.


I feel angry at the murderer and at the writer for leaving the story at such a critical point!


Reviewer Comments

If this was a book then I would definatly buy it just to know the conclusion of the mystery.