so it's a day since i posted about my experience with the wtw censorship, and more importantly, my sexual assault. the comments i've received at this point (nov. 13, 5:09 pm) have been wonderful.
sending support and love from somewhere kinda close where the rain has stopped. isn't it beautiful that the rain has stopped? i don't know why this made me cry so much - maybe cause i was in class when i read it, and when i turned to the window i noticed for the first time that the rain had ended. (we must be close, then.) it's sort of drizzling now. but the sentiment kind of hit me really hard. (also, yes, you are a supremely weird older sister) your entire comment, in general, was genuinely one of the best i've ever received. thank you so, so much, elle.
i'm a little nervous that posting these poems might result in my account being suspended or deleted since i've had about 5 pieces taken down at this point. if my account disappears soon, i promise it wasn't me. fight wtw to the death. after all, the terms do say:
"WTW retains the right to: (i) remove such User Submissions from the WTW Website, (ii) terminate the account of any User responsible for such User Submissions, etc."
but here we go, since a couple of you encouraged me to put them back up and i really want to.
he was always your favorite;
big cousin big clothes big smiles
and you can remember begin twirled around the room to mozart,
a concerto that he was eager for you to hear
and live and be
head spinning, eyes wide shut
wearing that white blouse with red lipstick stains
and tight jeans that barely fit you
he ruffled your hair,
even now you wonder if it was a sign:
the way he watched you dance
the way he held you close,
but when you were little
it was the most natural thing
knows how to cheer me up
stays by my side
you wonder now how long he watched you
if he used that window above the shower
to watch you dance, naked, under the steam
or considered it
tapping on your bedroom wall when you were fast asleep
seeing you in his mind:
what would you wear?
did he imagine your young body
and the day you wore silk
he must have decided it was time.
times he kissed your neck - 2
times he kissed your hair - 8
times he kissed your cheeks - 12
times you said no - 3
times you said stop - 14
times he didn't listen - 17
times you wanted to die - 4
minutes it happened - 4
times you wanted to scream - 4
times he touched your waist - 5
times he touched your hair - 3
times he touched your stomach 2
times he touched your neck - 6
times he called you a baby - 6
times you wish he hadn't - 6
times he proved you right - 6
times you suffered - 6,857
times it started - 1
times it ended -1
times you survived - 1
i. when he was finished with you, you stumbled into the shower. you could hear your mom yelling. you weren't supposed to shower; you were about to get in the car. but there were ants crawling all over your skin, and the taste of his kisses on your head. you threw the clothes you had been wearing across the room. they felt radioactive.
ii. you knelt down under the running water. it was too hot; your skin was turning red. you didn't care. you grabbed the brush and scrubbed your neck and butt and stomach until it bled and crimson currents were chasing the water down the drain. you'd taken off several layers of skin - at least now his hands hadn't touched you. at least you couldn't feel him lingering on you.
iii. the pajamas you'd been wearing were tossed across the bathroom. even now, a week later, you can't look at that shirt without remembering him. you sleep without blankets because blankets remind you of his arms around your chest. suffocating you. stopping your heartbeat.
iv. two days ago, you were at your aunt's house. other side of the family. baby cousins, six and four. they tickled you. and all of a sudden he was there again, and you were screaming, and screaming, and screaming so loud the neighbors knocked on the door to ask if everything was okay.
v. the neighbors were right. everything is not okay.
vi. but yesterday you let your mom hold your hand while you cried. yesterday, you hugged your dad. today, your mother touched you and you didn't jump. today, someone said his name. lucas. you didn't cry.