Peer Review by lina13 (Australia)

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McKenzie

By: PineappleGirl


FREE WRITING

I walked out of the building. My red hair flowed behind me as a walked out in my bright yellow flats. My pretty short white dress blue in the wind. The dress came down to my knees, it was soft and comfortable. Perfect for what I was about to pull off. I saw a boy looking at me. He winked. I put my fist up and raised my finger. His mouth dropped, I smiled. I kept walking. I walked into Italiono's, a rich Italian restaurant in the center of town. I walked up to the waiter standing at the door. I smiled at him.
"Can I see your manager?" I asked.
"Why?" he responded with a questioning look on his face.
"You see, I heard news that there was an attacker in this neighborhood. I would like to protect you." I said calmly.
He leaned over the table top close to my face.
"Ms, I don't know what your playing at but I sure you this neighborhood is safe," 
"Of course," I whispered.
Then I walked out.
Three weeks later I heard a fire engine roar outside of Italiono's. I smiled. Of course, I didn't set the fire. I sent people to set the fire. You see, I'm not a normal teenage girl, I'm...special. Well, I had a special childhood.


Message to Readers

Working Title. Chapter One.


Peer Review

This piece had a very unexpected ending. The twist at the end means that I was intrigued and wanted to read the piece multiple times before forming an opinion of it. Well done on building tension and mystery.


At the moment, the short length of the piece means that it lacks clarity - try to deepen the characterisation of the persona, as well as her motivations, and lengthen the plot.


Reviewer Comments

Keep up the good work! To make this piece even better, look over the notes on grammar/punctuation highlighted. Also, keep working on making your dialogue as natural and similar to real conversation as possible, by reading it aloud and pretending that you yourself are the character speaking.