Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Here it is! The very first part of the novel I've been working on for the past three months.
Please criticize it VERY harshly. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. According to my sister, I don't have any :D
The title drew me in, of course, and the first line intrigued me. After that, it was the mysterious kid on the bus, and all the weird details about him, as I mentioned in my highlights.
There are a few details about Chris that made me sympathize with him. For example, I liked his reaction to Julie comforting him, and the part where he mentioned that he thought he would be picked on. However, I feel that you could add a little more emotional depth to him. We don't know much about his personality, his likes, his dislikes, et cetera. Of course, it's only the first chapter, so a lot of characterization can come later, but it's still important that the reader sympathize with the MC in the first chapter. Character is key.
Yes; I highlighted the parts that I thought should be expanded.
Although you provide us with a technical location, I feel like you could add more sensory details and description to really transport us there. Try to put on paper the location that you have in your head, the mental image. Remember all five senses. Corner Writing Club had a piece about how to do setting description (sorry, I had to include a promo). Setting may not be as important as plot or character, but that doesn't mean it's not still important. If the reader can't picture the location and be transported there in their head, then it'll be more difficult for them to picture and follow along with other aspects of the story.
I've read the rest of it (or at least, what you've published on WtW), so I know what happens later on, but when I was first reading this, what really got me was the plot. I was intrigued by the mysterious kid and all the little details about how everyone else seemed to be scared of him. That was what made me want to keep reading the most. You have knack for capturing the reader's attention, and amping up the suspense.
I hope I didn't seem too harsh in this review! You said you were looking for as much criticism as possible since you were going to revise and edit it based off of what we say, so I purposefully nitpicked. Although there are details that could be improved and things that could be added, this was, overall, a really good first chapter. It drew me in and set up the rest of the novel perfectly. Great work, really!