Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
I'm writing this for NaNoWriMo this year! :D I'm in DESPERATE need of a title. I've literally been referring to it as "Creepy Vacation Packages", for reasons that are later explained. Any feedback is welcome! :D Thanks for reading, and hope you like it! :D
1. Good grammar. You don't know HOW MANY things I've read where the author doesn't understand conventions. When I see something online that is polished, I am immediately drawn to it and appreciate the author's efforts.
2. The introduction paragraph brings a source of conflict to the story right away. ("She didn't even know her!")
You do a good job with adding Willow's personality in the narrative's diction. This is something I struggle with as a writer, so I'm awed that you can do this.
What I know so far: Willow gets lost in books easily, and she doesn't want to go to this wedding.
What might be interesting to know: Willow's sense of style (which can be shown at the dressing-up-for-wedding part), deeper into Willow's relationship with Carson/Rhiel (or if the relationship isn't deep, make that clear, so the reader isn't left wondering), more on the parents (do they ever argue with the kids? Do they ever argue with each other?—these can be great sources of conflict)
The "spit-up and baby formula" part needs to have more. I expected it to go a little more in depth about what exactly happened at that time.
Actually, there is a scene that should be condensed. The car scene with the GPS—there is a lot of unnecessary detail there. Is all that dialogue necessary? And those dialogue tags? What about the motions they make? (I already address some of that in my comments.)
Your story takes place 1) at a house, 2) in a car, and 3) at Wendy's. The family is traveling to Iowa, but I don't know where they're traveling from, which means I don't know what to expect time-wise with this car traveling.
Setting is something that needs a little more work. Maybe a tiny detail somewhere about the car?
This is simply an exposition, so I won't get nitpicky with setting. Just remember, as you continue writing, that you can meld a detail in with action or dialogue. This way, you don't infodump, and you don't forget that readers really don't know where they are unless you give them these details to remind them!
I think this should be the place where I go, "AY I FINISHED," and slouch in my chair and start using emojis. :D
Great job on the novel you have here. As a novel writer myself who has had several beta readers in the past few years, I can say that there are certain things that beta readers just don't know. For one, they don't usually tell you whether they'd keep reading or not. This is probably because they view beta reading as an assignment that they HAVE to finish (otherwise they'd feel guilty). So I will tell you this: I would keep reading this novel. Second of all, you have potential. I see it in your grammar, and I see it in your diction and syntax. Third of all, you manage plot, action, and back story well, which is something many people can't do. Good job.
Hey, thumbs up to you for participating in NaNoWriMo. I am as well this year, so I hope we can both win! :D
Note: Look at the highlights carefully! There are some overlaps, where I highlighted two different parts that include some of the same phrases. The highlight mark there is slightly darker than normal.