Peer Review by Aarushikrishnan (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?

#firstraycontest - Trials of a Tight Rope Walker



“Some people seemed to get all sunshine, and some all shadow…” 
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
There I was on a beautiful Sunday morning running away from the law... again. Its not my fault that almost everything I do goes against the law, I just happen to be the epitome of blight. All I was trying to do was see if I could tight rope over The Church of Sacred HeartsI ended up dangling from the roof by one leg. Some good Samaritan decided to call the police. Hence my dilemma.
Well after a few hapless attempts of losing them on the winding roads of Brooklyn. I did the one thing I knew would loose them for good. I hid behind a wall waiting for the uniformed pigs to pass me. Then I jumped into the closest water body which happened to be the Watchung lake.
A few minutes later I surfaced near a set of shady apartments-home sweet home. Jake or as he prefers to be known a ’the shark’ was waiting for me on my front stoop. after the  formal grunts of greeting he went straight to the point (as always) ;
“are u ready for the big one ?”
“just like my answer yesterday , I still need practice.”
He was standing next to me in an instant his hand was alarmingly close to my neck.
“ listen now, listen clear smart ass, tomorrow is the last day I’m waiting.”, and then he was gone.
So if you were wondering , that’s why I’m standing on top of The Church Of Sacred Hearts for the second time today , at around 11:50 in the night . luckily all my supplies were still where I left them. So after about seventeen failed attempts I called it a night at 3 in  the morning the next day .
I fell asleep that night looking at a picture of my inspiration ..Charles Blondin - ' the great Blondin'  one of my great, great, great, grandfathers ( I estimated the number of greats I’m not completely sure about the exact number) ,thinking about how in two days I would be attempting to conquer my fear and achieve my dreams .
The next day was spent on trying to walk over as many buildings as possible most were monotonous ( surprise!) by the end of the day I managed to scale three bijoux bridges , seven minor households and dodged my combatants - the law in the form of torpid boars . Not an optimal day but still one of my good ones.
I was roused from my world of fantasy at the crack of dawn by three brisk knocks. I was granted the sublime sight of Jake at my front door.
“are you ready?” he sneered
“Do I have a choice?” I deadpanned
So if you are one of the million people looking at me standing on The Brooklyn Bridge wondering why the hell a sixteen year old is standing on The Brooklyn Bridge, now you know - you are welcome.
 This was the moment I’ve been training on for almost all my life and now I’m going to do it ( if you ask me the moment came way to fast) . I know I’m no way close to being remotely ready but I ‘ve got bills to pay.
I looked straight ahead, and I imagined walking on a normal road. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. If I fall I was going to be sailing down the bridge straight to the jaws of imminent death, but I had nothing to live for if I’m being honest, so I don’t mind any of the possible outcomes for the current proceedings.

Without realizing I had entered my mind palace the place that keeps my inestimable memories safely locked. I was transported to a meadow standing next to my parents. We were smiling at my little sister who was having a very animated conversation with a squirrel. Then out of nowhere there were explosions going around everywhere, my parents asked me to run. For a moment I was stuck in place staring at all the damage around me, then I ran as far as I could. I never saw my family again due to The Chelsea Bombing. I was ten when this happened.
I was then struck back to reality when I heard a chorus of cheers. I had done it I had annihilated the bridge. I was surrounded by a crowd of people. For the first time in forever I felt acknowledged.
Looking back the bridge reminds me of the first ray of sunshine. And now I plan on conquering all the other rays of sunshine.

Peer Review

I liked the beginning and ending, I felt like they were very powerful!

I'd like perhaps a bit more of a backstory, and find out more of the protagonists start. Maybe you could bring out first ray motifs there too, for an extra pop!

Reviewer Comments

Thank you so much for participating in my contest, this was superbly well written!