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Message to Readers
Hope you enjoyed reading this :) It took a while to write, but it was fun, trying out a new style of writing! Any feedback is appreciated, and please do comment, I will read them and respond!
Whoa... I could really hear the emotion in this piece, every time a character would shout while sobbing. This idea is super cool, the dialogue is gripping; it's a great piece.
I'm curious as to what exactly was happening, especially what was going on in the world, and what is the real world. It was a bit confusing, but I feel like it was supposed to be that way.
This is a really good piece that really draws the reader in; I can sense the emotion, the desperation. Normally, dialogue being exchanged is separated with line breaks so they're clear as to who's speaking. Also, make sure you stay consistent with tense (past v present).