Peer Review by paperbird (United States)

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By: singaporeandreamer


People. On the bus. 
Doing different things. 
Glued to their phones. Or a book. More the former than the latter.
Headphones plugged into the sockets they call "ears"
Pumping music, that electric flow, into their comp--I mean, brains
Talking, or pushing out sonic frequencies that carry
A meaning that I'm not parry to.
Human behaviour confuses me.
They are just
Lumps of flesh and bone
Connected by their tendons, made of "hopes" and
"Dreams". And yet, I stare at. Boarding, getting off.
Shutting themselves out, completely.
And, somehow, behind their mask of
They live lives richer than I can imagine.
Slowly, they weave, skilfully or unskilfully, but weaving all the same,
Their lives of love, loss, friendship, betrayalHATRED, among
Other things
They prick and they are pricked,
Over and over again.
Where it will lead, I don't know.
All I know is
Oh, my stop. It's here.
And I go to my life,
Which a stranger can only imagine when he stares at me. 

Message to Readers

I actually wrote this poem out a few months ago, but I never really got around to putting it here. I've made a few changes to fit WTW's format, so it's not the original version. Please tell me which parts you liked and which parts you think could be improved! Thank you!

Peer Review

The ending really got me. It made me understand the entire point of the poem, which didn't make sense at first. The way that this was played out was expertly done. Great job.

I want to emphasize the point I made on the last highlight---be sure to tie in the rest of the poem with more lines. I also think there's something to be added in the third stanza. You could even add a different forth stanza with this added detail: Along with talking about their weaved emotions, you should add more elements to describing a human's life---color, faces, thoughts, etc. I really like the way that this was done, but it doesn't quite capture everything that humans are.

Reviewer Comments

I really enjoyed reading this poem. The ending was powerful and it made the entire poem shine. Aside form the highlighted bits and critiques in the question above, this poem is really perfect and masterfully crafted. Great work and keep writing!