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Shalom Kouaka

New Year New Hope

February 16, 2015

            As the clock strook 12 and the grips of 2014 finally slipped away from my hand, a shiver went along my body. Me being in church I thought it was the positive energy and the hopeful nature I had in faith. As I buckle the seat belt in my fathers car to head home I remember every new years day before that I could. There was always a sense of excitiment but there was never a shiver, one hour later that cold feeling was still inside my body. As I lay in bed thinking about all that the year had in store I realized what the shiver was. Fear.

         January 1,2015 I was more afraid then I have been in my entire life. In two months I would be taking the SAT, in five months it would be my last summer going to colorado and in 10 months I would be applying to colleges. Today was the beginning of the rest of my life and the pressure weighed heavy on me as I slept.I was deathly afraid of not making it into a good college. Ever since I started school I had made sure I had good grades so I could go to good college and make something out of myself. I had always thought that if I dont get into that top one percent school that I would be a failure. Everday in school I would ask seniors their college acppetances to see where I match up. Every night I would look up certain colleges requirements to make sure I was on the right track. Then I realized I was afraid because my whole life I was living to please other people and was living to meet their expectations. It stemmed from when I first came to the U.S. Like most immigrants I came for better oppertunities and a good education. I always felt like if I didnt do well in everything then coming here would be a waste. There was a constant dark cloud hovering over my head made me afraid to branch out, be myself, and even take interest in things other than academics. Being an 11th grader I realize that my high school career was coming to an end. I didnt want to look back and only remember me staying up until 1 am studying, and I didnt want to look back and wish I did this and that. I longed to be happy and have fun for a change. I never once did what it takes to please myself but there was something different about this year. I was determined to get my life back and live for the pure happiness of myself. Despite the fact that getting good grades and having good test scores was a must, I stopped letting numbers define me. I made myself believe that I was more than a test score, I was was more than a grade point average, I was more than making other people happy.

                       After that my goal for 2015 changed from the typical temporary goals that everyone had because it was no longer a year goal, it was life goal. I wanted to be happy, truly happy and live my life for me and not through the eyes of anyone else. I no longer feared my future or taking the steps to start a memorable one. I know that however I finish high school and wherever I go to college that I will be succesful and I will become what I want to be in life, professionally and personally. My life no longer revolved around the people who wanted to control it. It belonged to me again, and I am never letting go.

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