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Message to Readers

Are the sentences too short and choppy, or are they OK?

Heaven's Economics

October 16, 2018

FREE WRITING

1
    I approach the counter.  A man is working there,  smiling and humming to himself.  His name tag says JESUS.
    I set my bundle on the counter.  "I'd like to trade this in," I say in a very small voice.
    He sets down a rag He was wiping the counter with and examines my bundle.  I squirm.  It's an ugly black bundle, full of Hate and Pride and Sin and Shame, and I know it.
    Jesus takes out His wallet and starts putting cash in the register.
    "What are you doing?" I ask, startled.
    "I'm paying for you," He replies with tender matter-of-factness.
    "Why?"
    He smiles and peels back the fetid morass that is my bundle.  Inside sits a tiny pearl called Potential.
    I look back up at Him.  He smiles again and points to His eye, His heart, and me.  I remember that; my mom used to do it to say "I love you."
    He bends over and heaves a huge shining box done up in colorful rapping paper with an enormous red bow onto the counter.  "Here's what you traded in for."
    I gasp in disbelief.  "For me?"
    "Absolutely.  C'mon, lets' open it up."
    I think we spent the rest of my life unpacking all those wonderful gifts.

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  • October 16, 2018 - 4:33pm (Now Viewing)

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2 Comments
  • Silver Pen

    Thank you very much. :)


    8 months ago
  • Quille

    Wow, this is really good! I was thoroughly impressed reading it :DD Good job and please write more pieces like this!
    The last sentence is definitely my favorite; short, simple, and to the point. It provides wonderful closure :DD


    8 months ago